Navigating a world of mean school mums?

[OctanuTs]

Okay I know that sounds dramatic but my youngest child has started reception in September so nearly a year there. I never made any effort with school mums for my eldest as I worked long hours and hardly ever did drop offs or pick ups. I really regret this as I saw the impact it had on my daughter with me not being friendly with the mums. I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake for my youngest but I’m finding it tough!

I find a couple of the mums really rude such as don’t say hi unless I say it first. Will zoom past me looking busy but then stop to chat with another mum even if it’s pouring with rain. I’ll stop the same one for a chat too but will be met with I have to run I’ll chat another time. Do t want to have play dates but when we’ve brought the class pet home (a teddy with a photo book!) I’ll see there’s been numerous play dates my child hasn’t been invited to, I’ll try to arrange he a playdate and be met with comments like “maybe next month”. It’s nearly the end of school year now and we haven’t even met up with the kids my child actually plays with. We have had some play dates but not with the kids he actually plays with.

just for context I saw the effect it had on my eldest that I’ve reduced my hours just for the purpose of getting friendly with my sons classmates mums. My daughter is in year 5 now and it breaks my heart to see her excluded just because I’m not best mates with the mums in her class.

I found suggesting group playdates a bit more helpful than one on one tbh. In DD’s nursery we set up a class whatsapp and would organise playdates on that, like meeting up at softplay or the park. What you find is parents who also want to encourage their children to mix will turn up. We usually had maybe half the kids turn up. A lot of parents will be having playdates with other parents they know/like, your child can’t be invited to every playdate. But in a few years I’m sure kids start picking their own friends instead of the ones their parents have chosen for them.

Also a lot of parents with older children already know other parents or are often running to get to work. I wouldn’t take it personally, there are parents who are genuinely mean but they don’t tend to be the majority in my experience. Very much the minority and with those, just avoid. If someone doesn’t want to talk to me then I just don’t make an effort. It took me a year to realise I could do that.

I do understand OP, I stop to chat to anyone who wants a chat, I’m really not fussed or picky because I have no idea who my child is actually going to be friends with in a few years and I generally tend to like people, so try to keep it positive with everyone.

Definately this - there are a lot of parents who play date with the parents they know at this age, and the parents you're trying with at present may have long established friendships prior to reception/know each other from a nursery party etc

Class WhatsApp to maybe ask about a park meet-up can work quite well, as well as throwing a class birthday party 😔 that's the exhausting option but if you don't have the parents numbers you'll get quite a lot of them en mass, and can work out who's keen/not during the party and speak to them/arrange play dates accordingly after

Thank you. Good advice. I have in past suggested park meet up but the weather was awful in the end and everyone cancelled.

How would asking about 5 boys mums for a play date at our home sound? I’m very friendly with the girls mums but hardly know any of the boys mums. Should I set up
s WhatsApp group or message separately saying I’m planning to have a few kids from class around

Exactly, you may have been asking the wrong parents. DD has a little friend that I didn’t know about until her mum made an effort to join a club Dd goes to because her daughter talked about mine a lot. They now do another one together as well.

Most parents will be more open to a playdate if they have met you in a group setting as well, then they know you a bit and aren’t uncomfortable with coming to your house cold.

I much prefer group playdates tbh, I’m more at ease with a group of people than being stuck in someones house one on one, also people can leave when they want without it being awkward.

Also don’t forget some of us are introverts by nature and school is a minefield because you have to keep putting yourself out there for your kids and it can be demanding on people who aren’t naturally sociable.

You're putting a lot of onus onto being popular, essentially.

My advice is you can't force friendships just because you've got kids the same age, it's the same as anything. Is there a park close to school? If so, you'll probably find the same kids go often and it's a good opportunity to chat to the other mums.

Does your child have a group of friends/best friend? It's better to try with their parents because otherwise you end up with a mixed bag of kids who in a couple of years don't really play together but are being pushed together at play dates. It does get easier to become friendly with the parents when friendship groups start to become clearer.

I really regret this as I saw the impact it had on my daughter with me not being friendly with the mums. I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake for my youngest but I’m finding it tough!

I think you're creating imaginary problems tbh. I very much doubt not doing school runs "really impacted" your daughter. In 2024 there are loads of other ways to build links with parents, I barely did any school runs with my eldest but made sure I got the contact details of the parents of his closest friends and organised play dates that way, ive never needed to be friends with any of them to ensure that happened. We've done sleepovers, lift sharing, day trips, had people to contact when something was going on at school, ask questions when not sure what uniform was required that day etc etc. I have done most of the school runs for my youngest and have done exactly the same for him; plenty of party and play date invites.

It's really odd you think your daughter has missed out because you haven't made friends with other school parents, I think you're projecting some other problem. You don't need to make friends, you just need their phone number, with my youngest's best friend I just popped my name and number on a piece of paper explaining who I was and if their son would like to come over to our house to play, and my son passed it on to his friend who passed it on to his mum, play date was sorted for that weekend! I've had parents find me on Facebook and organise play dates.

It is a shame that it’s been so difficult. Most parents I have found quite want to be friendly with the parents of their kids’ friends. I am no alpha mum or mean girl but made a huge effort with playdates with my kids’ friends. I worked full time so it was even more effort. But it paid off. My kids are at uni now but we meet up with the parents of their friends from age seven every couple of months. So it is worth it in my view as I gained a lot from it!

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. Just continue.

One thing though, nobody is obliged to be your friend. I don’t think it’s fair to call people ‘mean girls’ unless they are actually being nasty or deliberately excluding you. They are free to talk to and befriend who they want. As are you.

Are they parents of children your child is actually friends with?

Not all the mums will be mean. Forget about the mean ones and look out for nice ones. There will be some who are shy and hang back. Talk to them.

I'm not sure how I'd feel about being out in a side group chat containing random other mums unless the kids were absolutely in a tight friendship group?

I do feel for you, but with DS2 I just didn't have the same time or energy as I did with DS2 to make pals with new mums, are these all first kids?

If you're already friendly with some mums that's brilliant! You can't be friends with everyone x

Ime people are much less socially capable than you’d imagine. They talk to the parents they already know because they’re not confident at talking to someone they don’t really know. They don’t notice that they’re being quite rude or standoffish because they think they’re in neutral.

Play dates are tricky because people have so much going on, and it can be hard to coordinate around several extra curriculars, siblings’ school pick ups and cousins’ first communions and birthdays. The easiest way is to get your dc into some of the same after school classes, clubs and trainings then you’ll end up sharing lifts.

I did initially try to contact the kids parents he actually plays with but as I think I mentioned it my Op I was met with “maybe next month” and next month becomes another maybe next month.

Maybe you think they are rude as you have more expectations than they can give you, when I was at school it was to say a general hello and to chat to people if the situation arose I never thought anyone was rude as I took people as I found them

I am not sure if it feels concentrated as it is ona forum but it sounds like people who post about 'the evil school mums' come across worse than any of the children would speaking of their own friends

I’m surprised you think it’s had a big impact on your daughter’s friendships in year 5. Nearly all my daughter’s friends parents work too, I don’t know them well at all. She’s made her own friends though, gets invited to parties, we occasionally manage to squeeze in play dates in the school holidays. School night play dates aren’t much of a thing in my experience, because everyone is much too busy! By year 5 parental influence isn’t usually much of a factor in who is friends with who.

I really feel for you OP as I had 7 years of this whilst my 2 children went through first school. The other mums all lived in the village and we commuted from the next village. I was excluded from everything and they would avoid me on the playground to chat in their cliques. School events were a nightmare so I volunteered for the PTA and helped at events just to pass the time. I was always given the job no one else wanted but that was fine with me. I was embarrassed at a coffee morning by alpha mum and totally ignored at a party despite trying to engage with the other mums. Whilst it did give me massive social anxiety that I am still dealing with today it didn’t affect my children and they made good friends and have good social lives.

I did initially try to contact the kids parents he actually plays with but as I think I mentioned it my Op I was met with “maybe next month” and next month becomes another maybe next month.

Well this only shows how insane it was to change your hours around some kind of illusion you can make friends more easily to benefit your child.

Your child will have lots of different friends over the years, just keep trying, maybe you've just got unlucky, tbh play dates etc were things that developed more for us probably year 2 onwards. I wouldn't fret about it too much, so long as they've got friends at school the rest will come a little more naturally.

Are these mums being mean or are they actually chatting to people they're actually friends with and have known for years (since before reception). It sounds like they're polite in their interactions.

To make friends at the school gate, like anywhere you need to find the right people for you. They may not be the parents of your children's friends though.

I have a daughter in year 5 and although she's still friends with the kids whose mum I know she's also friends with others and now will arrange play dates and trips to the park herself (she knows what evenings she is free and then will double check she's allowed after school)

In reception we only did play dates with people whose parents I already knew. It wasn't being mean to others it was just easier to arrange when life is already stupidly busy.

No way would I be trying to be friends with this lot.

you sound like a lovely person, you don’t need to tout for friends.

I understand that you want to do your best for your children in this situation I would say that teaching your children to be resilient and self confident is a better way to go.

This is akin to someone trying to be friends with the school bullies, which will have a worse impact on your kids by letting them think that this is they way to behave.

Have confidence in yourself, get the wee ones involved with other activities etc

One thing though, nobody is obliged to be your friend. I don’t think it’s fair to call people ‘mean girls’ unless they are actually being nasty or deliberately excluding you. They are free to talk to and befriend who they want. As are you.

This ^

A lot of parents on the school run can be quite aloof or just aren't interested in widening their social circle. I am friendly and open to new interactions, but not everyone is. That's life.

It's a case of finding the "right" ones who are interested.

Going to the park after school helps a lot and joining clubs outside of school that others attend. Most kids in my child's class do something out of school. Then things can develop naturally other than a standing start "let's play date".

Some people give off from the get go they want a big friendship, and for most, that can be a bit much. I can sense this and pull back a bit and I'm open to new friendships, but I don't want anything intense. As long as your child has some friends, they don't need lots and very few of us in life keep our primary school friends all through.

Remain friendly but lower your expectations and just keep open to new opportunities and people and stop expecting those who aren't interested to change

You only know what the OP has put, projecting?

Try helping out with school events, get chatting to parents then

Socially involved doesn't mean an obsession with popularity. It is normal to want to encourage outside school socialising

Stop thinking everyone is mean, they're just getting through life like you

If you read the OP again you will see that she has invited others to have a play date but keeps getting rebuffed.

My DD is in Year 3 now, we didn't really do play dates in reception because they generally required a parent to be there and we had a very busy life and limited free time and honestly didn't really want to spend it with people I didn't know. At that age my DD would play with the children of my friends and attend whole class parties etc. I'm not a mean mum but I wouldn't stop for a chat with either as would have been dashing for work and definitely would have put you off re meet up because I wouldnt have prioritised it at that point.

As she has got older and built specific friendships in school I have made connections with those parents to facilitate them having playdates. We have thrown some all class parties which has helped with that. I'm not friends with these parents, though of course am friendly with them in my interactions. We don't need to be friends for my DD and their child to be friends. For example, this week my DD is going to a couple of her different friends house after school and they will drop her back home after and then next week we are having a couple over and I'll drop them back.