Navigating a world of mean school mums?

[OctanuTs]

Okay I know that sounds dramatic but my youngest child has started reception in September so nearly a year there. I never made any effort with school mums for my eldest as I worked long hours and hardly ever did drop offs or pick ups. I really regret this as I saw the impact it had on my daughter with me not being friendly with the mums. I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake for my youngest but I’m finding it tough!

I find a couple of the mums really rude such as don’t say hi unless I say it first. Will zoom past me looking busy but then stop to chat with another mum even if it’s pouring with rain. I’ll stop the same one for a chat too but will be met with I have to run I’ll chat another time. Do t want to have play dates but when we’ve brought the class pet home (a teddy with a photo book!) I’ll see there’s been numerous play dates my child hasn’t been invited to, I’ll try to arrange he a playdate and be met with comments like “maybe next month”. It’s nearly the end of school year now and we haven’t even met up with the kids my child actually plays with. We have had some play dates but not with the kids he actually plays with.

just for context I saw the effect it had on my eldest that I’ve reduced my hours just for the purpose of getting friendly with my sons classmates mums. My daughter is in year 5 now and it breaks my heart to see her excluded just because I’m not best mates with the mums in her class.

So I’m a little bit hard of hearing and also I work FT so after drop off I usually am getting my day squared in my head. I sometimes realise that someone has said hello and I didnt say hello back, and then later on apologise, and sometimes people have told me I’ve ignored them.

The expectation that women have to be ‘on it’ no matter what, and always be alert to other people no matter how their day is going, is very problematic. If someone ignores me I always assume they didn’t hear or see me rather than taking it overly personally and assuming they hate me

Those kids are probably in training to be as nasty as their mums, so you've probably dodged a bullet.

What exactly are these mums doing that is nasty??

It's often said that it's people complaining about school gate drama and "cliques" who ARE the drama. I wonder why 😂

Apparently if you have a vagina, you have to be friends with all the other vagina owners whose kids go to your kid's school.

Otherwise you're a very nasty woman.

God forbid you should exercise any kind of autonomy in choosing who you want to be friendly with.

You also have to say hello and stand in the middle of the playground shouting “all women are invited to join in with our conversation”.

Otherwise they’re <checks notes> cliquey, cunts and nasty

Crikey. On this thread we've had 'mean' 'cunts' 'bullies' 'cliques' to essentially describe mums who are friends with other mums, and done nothing mean whatsoever.

But God forbid your husband or any other man tells you who you must be friendly with.

That would be controlling and bad.

The ones who complain about the ‘cliquey mums’ whilst seemingly making no effort at all - I just picture the “cliquey mums” and wondering what the fuck that sour face woman is who’s always glaring at them.

Absolutely and utterly this.

I work full time and have managed it. At this age all you need to do is say hi and talk to the mums in a friendly enough way and the play date requests should fall into your lap. I’m a mess in the morning - barely have time to comb my hair or brush my teeth — but I always smile, always say hi, always try for conversations and will only suggest playdates with mums who respond.

I’m not sure calling them mean covers you in glory there op. They are entitled to be friends with who they wish.

I notice we have also had "really odd", "pathetic", "sulkers" and "insane" directed at the OP, and some of the most snide and unpleasant posts have been by people who are preening themselves on calling out misogyny.

The OP is just trying to set up a few playdates for her child in reception class. The other parents keep saying no, but have plenty of time for other playdates. Most people would find that somewhat hurtful, as does the OP. She is making a particular effort because her older child has struggled socially at school, and she doesn't want that pattern to repeat itself. That doesn't make her odd or pathetic or insane in my view.

Because it IS pathetic to take exception to other women having friends.

The other parents keep saying no, but have plenty of time for other playdate

Where did you get this impression from??

It is in the OP.

Just because other mums don’t stop to chat it isn’t rude. They might genuinely be in a rush or just not up for a conversation. I don’t really talk to other mums much. I’m an introvert, I find playground small talk exhausting. I honestly don’t get school gate chat and don’t know what the mums find to talk about day in day out. I say hello and smile but I’m not being rude. It actually really pisses me off that parents arrange play dates around which mums they’re friends with rather than who their children are friends with.

No it isn’t.

She said some people haven’t responded to play dates. She did not say they are going elsewhere for play dates. She’s assuming it’s because of her and not because of the many other reasons that it probably is

I organise play dates with mums who are my friends because it’s nice to see a friend too. I didn’t leave behind my friendships or personal enjoyment when I became a mum

Yes it is.

"Don't want to have play dates but when we’ve brought the class pet home (a teddy with a photo book!) I’ll see there’s been numerous play dates my child hasn’t been invited to"

OP does your school mix classes every year? Are you somewhere where the local population doesn’t change much and the friendships continue to secondary? Small town, big city?

Tbh I think people are being a bit unfair on OP. She’s clearly trying and being repeatedly dismissed. Thats really painful. I would also say kids will still gravitate to other kids they like at school, regardless of who their parents arrange playdates with. My DD appears to adore a child she’s never mentioned to me EVER, never had a playdate with her, only see’s her at group playdates but they still seem to be happily playing at school according to her teacher.

@TheYearOfSmallThings but the kids who are having the play dates may already know each other, have parents who are friends who are catching up for a coffee, be childcare or may be neighbours.

You don't need to have play dates with everyone and it's ok for a parent to choose who their kids play dates with.

When my kids were in reception we only did play dates with familiar children as both my children had a few additional needs and it was stressful for them and us with someone new. It wasn't personal to the others but was the reality.

@TheYearOfSmallThings thank you for understanding it really means a lot when I’m feeling so low x

To the rest of you who are calling me pathetic: I’m trying to arrange some play dates for my child not trying to run for PTA president! (or whatever the term is). I couldn’t care less if people like me or if I’m popular but I want my son to have play dates. Do you really think he didn’t look at the photo book and ask me if he can have play dates too? He was upset looking at the pictures. He hears other kids talking about play dates etc. I think some of you posting are much older that’s why having play dates is not a done thing in your circle so you cannot understand how left out kids feel.

@NerrSnerr no they don’t know each other from before, most have made friends recently. I didn’t want to mention this incase it derails the thread (how much worse could your nasty comments get I suppose I don’t care now) but we are of colour. Predominantly white school. I know that’s not the only reason I’m sure there’s other reasons like they don’t feel anything in common with me. My kids don’t understand this concept right now they just want friends.

I feel really upset re-reading some of your comments. My kids have years left in school how cruel are some of your remarks. Some of you should be ashamed. So I should just let them be left out , that’s being a good mum. I was hoping to get advice that’s it. I won’t be coming back in here.

Thank you to those who were lovely and understood me x