Navigating a world of mean school mums?

[OctanuTs]

Okay I know that sounds dramatic but my youngest child has started reception in September so nearly a year there. I never made any effort with school mums for my eldest as I worked long hours and hardly ever did drop offs or pick ups. I really regret this as I saw the impact it had on my daughter with me not being friendly with the mums. I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake for my youngest but I’m finding it tough!

I find a couple of the mums really rude such as don’t say hi unless I say it first. Will zoom past me looking busy but then stop to chat with another mum even if it’s pouring with rain. I’ll stop the same one for a chat too but will be met with I have to run I’ll chat another time. Do t want to have play dates but when we’ve brought the class pet home (a teddy with a photo book!) I’ll see there’s been numerous play dates my child hasn’t been invited to, I’ll try to arrange he a playdate and be met with comments like “maybe next month”. It’s nearly the end of school year now and we haven’t even met up with the kids my child actually plays with. We have had some play dates but not with the kids he actually plays with.

just for context I saw the effect it had on my eldest that I’ve reduced my hours just for the purpose of getting friendly with my sons classmates mums. My daughter is in year 5 now and it breaks my heart to see her excluded just because I’m not best mates with the mums in her class.

What is it about being a school that brings out the unreasonable sulkers that often use misogynistic language? Is it because of the juxtaposition of the school makes them think they are in school?
I understand it myself- as I said above I’m rarely in the position to properly chat to people or try to make friends but in general because of kids/ being it relationships (eg moving away from home) people can have moved a way a bit from all the friends they had pre kids and then suddenly you’re back in with grown ups again, and not only that, people you have actual things in common with. Of course a lovely scenario is that you make a new group of friends!!

1. It takes time, these mum's may well have been friends from baby groups or have kids who are friends in older years.
2. Park visits are invaluable for connecting with other mums.
3. When you do a birthday party, hold on to the numbers from RSVPs and invite via text.

This is true right through to secondary school. Never force a friendship and never address it with the parent if the Lloyds have fallen out. It either will or it won't work but meddling means it 100% won't work.

It is an issue - the main one being that these mums bonded over playball/mini rugby/ballet/laygroups before they even got to school. It’s already a clique and you’ve sort of missed the bus on this, sadly. The only way to break through is to volunteer - be a helper at Beavers, secretary at the football club, join the pTA and go to every bake sale. It may still not grant you admittance, but they can’t ignore you of you’re on the cake stall with them and then you have a small chance of getting to know them.

I tried organising playdates with the mums of children my son was friends with and they were both bloody bonkers. One talked about horoscopes the whole time and the other thinks that Russia is spying on us and the moon landings were fake. It's a risky game.

I’m so sorry. I found the school mothers really difficult. Very similar to the mothers on this thread tbh

If you swap out 'school mum' for 'woman I want to date' then a lot of the responses here are a bit incel.

Women are not cunts or nasty for politely declining spending their time with you.

Is this actually thing in the UK? Having to become friends with school mums so that your child has a great social life?

I have seen so many threads about this here.

My son is starting reception in September and I wasn't born in this country.

I'm a friendly person, but I work full-time from home and don't really have time to hang around at the school gate.

I started school at 6 and always walked to school myself, so there weren't many parents hanging around at the school gate.

You're overthinking it op.

I was friends with most of the mom's in DD1s class. They were the people I always chatted to, so I didn't become friends with any of DD2s parents (smile and say hello though, some small chat). Now DD1 has left primary and I don't really know anyone 😂

However I do the school run on my 'lunch break'. Sometimes people do try to chat and I really have no time, because I have to get back to work. I might come across as aloof or mean, but it's nothing more than that.

I also barely get time to see the people I am friends with, so if I do have some spare time I can be booked up for months in advance. It sounds really awful but I literally just don't have time for new friends 😭

I totally get this as my now 15 year old didn’t get invited to play dates and I couldn’t host them as I was a teacher so never did any pick ups etc. I have FOMO as although I knew some parents as would see them at parents evenings and events to smile at I didn’t know anyone.

I joined PTA and found them even worse for cliques. But I helped at events etc.

I see FB posts of the friendships made by the mums and am envious as they have pub nights etc but I was never there to get to know them.

what about making friends at out of school groups and clubs as I made a friend whilst sitting watching swim lessons etc. your kids will have similar interests then. Get your kids involved in scouting or guides etc as you will meet people there.

I think you’re really expecting a lot from these mums op and to cut your hours just to make friends with them seems a bit much and I’m sorry but a bit desperate too and maybe they can sense that? It’s not important at all for you to make friends with any mums for your child to have friends I just feel that’s not how it works at all in real life?
i think you need to take your child’s lead on who they are naturally forming bonds with and even then maybe play it a bit cooler for example if she tells you she’s had a nice day playing with Lisa and then you bump into Lisa and her mum at drop off etc you don’t need to get her number straight away and organise a play date if just wait for one of the kids to say can they come to ours for dinner or something or to play have a birthday etc then you can swap then and then it’s more naturally formed than a forced friendship that doesn’t go anywhere.

I do find it funny you didn’t have time with your first, now are complaining about others treating you how you treated them ( or others) with the first.

people are busy, and you aren’t friends. It’s hard to make friends as an adult.

kiddo has to do the work. Make a friend, get their number, invite them over. You just facilitate.

but people are busy, have circles, it’s hard! Breaking in is slow.

You're suggesting there is no such thing as racism? Really?

OP, I suspect you're long gone. On the off-chance you are still reading, I'm so sorry you have to contend with attitudes like this.

No need to be rude. I have not said that racism doesn't exist but the more ethnically diverse place the less racism because people are used to different ethnicities and nationalities.

I see a lot of posts like this. It’s a shame that you’re trying so hard to make friends for your children but not getting anywhere. Did you know any of the parents before your children started school? I think this is how most people make friends, they either know each other before school or they have mutual friends. I say hello to everyone on the school run but I only really stop and talk to the ones I actually know well like an old neighbour or an old school friend. I’m also dashing off for work somedays so I’ll have a quick chat with people I already know but I’m definitely not making time for strangers. I’m never ever rude and always smile and say hello.
there is one school mum who regularly asks for play dates but I just don’t have the time. With work and 3 kids and their hobbies evenings and weekends are full and if I do get some free time I want to spend it with friends not trying to build a new friendship with someone who my child might not be friends with next week. I do try and do play dates for my kids benefit maybe every few months but definitely not regularly.
do your children play out after school with any children in the street? Our neighbours are also school friends so I don’t really have to organise play dates.

Hey OP. I know it’s been a couple of days, and you’ve probably muted the thread. People are unnecessarily mean on here.

It’s really tough when you don’t feel included in your child’s class, I’ve been there with my son’s class in preschool (he was in with Reception) I was also the only visibly non-white parent and it definitely played a huge part in his experience- he didn’t have a single party invite in the 2 years he was there, and we were actively ignored on the playground by most parents.

He moved to a different school for reception, and although it’s still majority white- there’s one other non-white child in the class, who’s family are 1st generation immigrants, and busy with work so not available for play dates/parties, or present for pick up/drop off.

I am really socially anxious, and find it really difficult to put myself out there, but made a conscious decision that I wanted my son to have strong friendships, I’ve been lucky that the class on the whole are lovely, and don’t feel particularly clique-y. But I’ve made a real effort to sit with everyone at parties, and be overly helpful on the class WhatsApp, I’ve organised meet ups and play dates myself which have been well attended- I’ve found feeding people well really helps, the result is I’ve made some really lovely friends over the last 6 ish months, and my son, despite being on the ASD pathway, and struggling with his social awareness is really popular, and kids are begging for an invite to come play.

I was brought up in a culture that put a lot of significance on community, and I will pass those principles onto my children, there’s always room for a few more at our table.

People like to feel special so emphasising how much your child wants to see their’s always wins you favour. Find out if any classmates live in your general direction and walk home together while the weather is nice, pop up a paddling pool and put on a pool party.

Hopefully you’re feeling more included by the class soon, it’s upsetting for both you and your child when you’re being obviously excluded.

Let me guess - you're white?

Anyway London is very mixed. Most of the rest of the UK outside big cities is 98% white and can be very suspicious of anyone seen as different

True but not relevant as the OP said she doesn't live in a diverse area.

It's hardly comparable. The OP doesn't want to date them all!

God another one of these self pitying “bitchy school mums” posts. There’s another one in parallel.

What is it about school that brings out the entitlement and paranoia in women.

Find a network outside school and stop expecting your social life to be provided for you. No one is obliged to be your friend because your kids are at school together. It’s not about you.