Navigating a world of mean school mums?

[OctanuTs]

Okay I know that sounds dramatic but my youngest child has started reception in September so nearly a year there. I never made any effort with school mums for my eldest as I worked long hours and hardly ever did drop offs or pick ups. I really regret this as I saw the impact it had on my daughter with me not being friendly with the mums. I didn’t want to repeat the same mistake for my youngest but I’m finding it tough!

I find a couple of the mums really rude such as don’t say hi unless I say it first. Will zoom past me looking busy but then stop to chat with another mum even if it’s pouring with rain. I’ll stop the same one for a chat too but will be met with I have to run I’ll chat another time. Do t want to have play dates but when we’ve brought the class pet home (a teddy with a photo book!) I’ll see there’s been numerous play dates my child hasn’t been invited to, I’ll try to arrange he a playdate and be met with comments like “maybe next month”. It’s nearly the end of school year now and we haven’t even met up with the kids my child actually plays with. We have had some play dates but not with the kids he actually plays with.

just for context I saw the effect it had on my eldest that I’ve reduced my hours just for the purpose of getting friendly with my sons classmates mums. My daughter is in year 5 now and it breaks my heart to see her excluded just because I’m not best mates with the mums in her class.

The thing is if you WERE trying to run for PTA chair, that would be a positive step in the right direction towards meeting new mums and opening up conversations, not something to be sneered at.

Some people will just not do play dates, or not do play dates with people they aren’t familiar with. Be proactive and organise a night out, or a pizza party round your for mums AND kids. If they don’t come they don’t come, at least you tried but you can’t force anyone to spend time with other people.

A weird assumption about assuming people are older - playdates aren’t some new dangled thing.

With respect you have been given some good advice.

On the note of you being a family of colour - this may be a possibility (sorry). And will be a childhood-long issue for your kids you may want to think now about how to handle this - there’s a black mumsnetters group that is very supportive and understanding

People are trying to explain that they aren't necessarily being left out. Other relationships can develop for all kinds of reasons. I spent most of the reception worrying like you, taking the developing relationships as a personal slight. In reality this wasn't the case. Sometimes it really is just timing. Yes, lots of parents CAN be aloof and disinterested. Again, that isn't always personal. But the more you think it is, the worse this will feel.

I stopped caring, just kept saying hi. Took my child to places where other children were and now, I guess you could say we might appear to be one of those "not inclusive" types. We do turn down a few requests, for no other reason than we are frantically busy a lot of the time as a result of me taking my child to lots of things and then gaining new friends, interests and hobbies. Does that make me mean that I cannot accommodate everyone?

I don't think you're pathetic. But I can see why some posts have said it's quite a reach to call people you don't know mean, just because you FEEL excluded and they've developed a relationship.

You might find a lot of playdates are free childcare, there are freeloaders in every class who will find someone to latch on to to have their child all the time. Might look friendly from the outside but not always! Boy mums are a good bet, I think it's more straightforward. I've only made good friends with some girl mums in recent years and it's really eye opening. Some mums are just rude, some are just really messed up. I'd organise some drinks and see who turns up and make friends with them

I'm really sorry to hear you're having a tough time OP, and I understand how you may feel that race is coming into this, I didn't mean to diminish your feelings on the matter now having the wider context. I really do recommend trying to make connections on a one to one level, especially with any parent of a child that your child has especially connected with, please don't give up

Neither myself nor DP are part of DS's class WhatsApp. Never have been. I don't know why we were never invited. Maybe because DP was never at the school. With DP being a primary teacher she said we were better off out of it anyway.

He's a quiet kid but has a handful of friends. Also year 5 so they're at an age where they're starting to do their own WhatsApp groups and arrange meeting up outside of school without us parents needing to talk to each other.

The one time we felt a bit put out not being in the group was when they organised a gift for the teacher and only put the names of the kids from the parents in the group on it. I thought it was poor form to leave the other kids out when we hadn't been given the option to contribute.

I'm sorry op because I think race is very likely a factor, just like it is in all aspects of every day life. It's easy to think a new generation and we're all post racism but in the playground I'm not sure it's that much better than it ever was. There will be families out there who you and your kids will click with, just keep trying to put yourself out there. Things can change too, I didn't have any friends with my youngests class but not he's in KS2 am meeting new people. If some mums don't reply or are unreliable with playdates I mostly move on.

Op I feel for you. I’ve been trying in various ways for years to help dd with friendships and she’s now in y5. It can be really hard work and feel like you’re hitting your head against a brick wall if there’s a clique or whatever. You can get unlucky with a set of mums. My youngest is due to start school and I wonder what I can do differently

Doesn’t make any sense at all

I was never good friends with any school mums. My DS had play dates because they aren't connected to how friendly you are with the mums.

ETA I've just noticed you're a minority ethnicity family. I'm sorry to say that may be playing a part in why some people aren't responsive which is totally shit if that's the case.

Are you really going to ask 5 boys round for a playdate? Gasps of admiration /fear! Youre a braver woman than I!

I hear what you’re saying here OP - don’t worry about the pile on, some may not quite understand how it can feel to be rejected while others visibly ease in to school playground life with little effort. I felt the same two years ago, worried a lot that we hadn’t tried hard enough to get to know people or arrange play dates (we only have the one DD so conscious of trying to see her friends a little at weekends), did a lot of the things that you’ve been advised on here including throwing a little movie teatime thing with six kids and helping the PTA out whenever I could. I do think worth trying so you can feel you’ve done the extra mile.

Mostly the play dates were not returned and I gave up, organised lots of weekend activities or classes where other kids would be and felt just spending time with any kids her age was better than nothing or feeling rejected (which I know wasn’t personal, it was just we didn’t live on the same road as others so were not in their non school whats app groups, nor just happened to be walking on the same school run route).

I actually think the school culture really matters - she later switched schools for a different reason and having decided to not worry about being extra friendly with other parents actually found the ‘new playground’ incredibly inclusive by comparison. Everyone (including me) still having to rush off to work relatively quickly after drop off but still taking the time to say hello, so and so said they really enjoyed playing with DD yesterday do you want to swap numbers. Any coffee or other invite I just said yes to and made it work around work commitments. Totally worth it to recognise people in the park or join in the same weekend activities. Honestly I was so surprised at the difference so perhaps others who haven’t experienced it are lucky to be part of a more inclusive school culture.

Hope you take the positive comments from here and make a bit of a plan, wishing you luck!

Well... you are completely uninterested in meeting any of the parents and write them all off as "mean", but really you don't't want to be friends with them you just want to "use" them so your kid can have play dates

Fair enough to try but no wonder you get mostly ignored

You are not remotely interested in these people so it will be hard

Can you not socialise more with your own friends? Or do none of your friends have kids? Or can your kids hang out with cousins? Or are you friends with people in the street? My kids made quite a few friends locally just from playing in the park or through sports

Actually, rather than dismissing joining the PTA (or similar) I think it’s a great way to get chatting to people and to do something positive for your child’s school community rather than just assuming everyone is mean.

I think you've had some very harsh and unpleasant replies on here OP.

I get what you mean. It's tough when you start off all positive about hoping a build a friendly network to help support your kids to socialise, you do all the "right" things - smile, say hello, be up for a chat but don't get right in people's faces and ... nothing!

I think it's partly luck of the draw. When my first started school I was anxious to make a good impression and seem friendly. I made an effort to greet people, hosted all class parties etc but to no avail. When my youngest started at the same school (big age gap so no one I knew from before) I knew not to bother but to my astonishment the parents of that year were a really friendly bunch, came up and spoke, welcomed me into groups. I've actually made a really good friend as well as some lovely acquaintances. It made me think maybe it wasn't just me, it's just a different dynamic. Though perhaps me being not anxious and "trying" played a part. Easier said than done though!

I note your comments about being a different race. I really hope that isn't playing a part but it might be, sadly, particularly if it isn't a multicultural area.

The thing I would focus on is that you know your son does have kids to play with so he's obviously a nice friendly lad who socialises at school. Play dates are not the be all and end all and personally i have always found them a royal pain in the arse! Then once your kid gets to year 6 and certainly secondary school they are pretty much in charge of their own social life and not engineered by parents!

I

but we are of colour. Predominantly white school. I know that’s not the only reason

And where do you live where any skin colour still is something that people care about? I live in London and here nobody is concerned with the pigment saturation in the skin.

This is interesting.

You opened the topic by calling women who weren't being mean, mean. So you insulted them. This apparently is fine.

Then when posters called this out, explained they are not being mean at all, and yes, insulted you, you get really upset by it.

Why is it ok for you to behave in a certain way, but not others to direct it at you?

If we stop and think, just how much of an issue should this be? You are dropping your child at school,and collecting after school,if other Mums can't be bothered to pass the time of day,etc, do you really need to bother about it? Youv enough on your plate with being a busy Mum,you don't need drawn into the complexities of others mind games,who needs it?

Have you tried hosting a whole class birthday party? My child is now in Year 1, and after hosting and attending birthday parties, we've got to know the other parents and children pretty well.

Other places we see each other is at the local park after school, and also at after school clubs and helping out at PTA fundraisers. We don't have much time or energy for play dates, and didn't do any when my child was in Reception, so I'm not sure that they are that widespread.

I really wouldn't worry too much about this. My daughter didn't have many playmates in primary but she had lots of friends in school. I'm a bit socially awkward, plus their primary has a daft rule where you have to queue up to go in on the pavement so you can't mill and talk to anyone.

She has a big social circle in secondary and they sort out meeting up themselves.

I would ask your child who they like to play with at school and invite that child over for tea/play in the holidays, you could take them to the park or to soft play etc. are there hobbies that you could do with other children in the class, that will help too. Good luck xx

They are maybe picking up your trying too hard vibe. I think your idealising a scenario in your head where you have a nice group of mum friends and go on play dates etc but this does not always happen! My children are 17, 12 & 2 and I’ve never had a group of school mum friends. I was only 19 when I had my 1at daughter and the mums were down right rude to me in the playground so I just didn’t bother speaking to them either but my daughter still had friends and went to parties etc. with my son I was at uni then work so I didn’t do school runs we had a childminder. I have a few friends who have a close group of school mum friends and I have been jealous of this before. They all do things like nights out without the kids too which is lovely but then one of these mums ran off with my friends husband so not that lovely lol! O don’t be too upset if your dream of having this group of mum friends doesn’t happen. Don’t try and force it, look elsewhere! Maybe get your little one into a club or something, the parents there might be more friendly/ open to play dates. I certainly wouldn’t be arranging my work hours just for this purpose either. That definitely reeks of desperation IMO sorry!

I did the opposite! First child tried hard to make friends , fit in with school mums and arrange play dates . Working full time always in a rush but made the effort. Some friends have stuck , others not. Had some stress from all of this with friends I decided to toss to the side. Second time around I'm staying out of it! Not affected my child at all, he has made close friends and I have arranged play dates after getting contact details of the parents , no need to have more parent friends. Trust me the child will make true friends without you having to force it through your actions making false friends.

Vagina owner 😂