Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

[thegeniussquare]

A little context. I am a single, full-time working mother of 3 girls. My daughters stay with their dad every other weekend. He was a cheat and our marriage ended over a decade ago. He has always been snippy in his communications with me. I endeavour to ignore, as engaging with him isn't worth it. He'll never change and it is no good for my mental well-being.
He is an extremely high earner and I'm not. He makes it clear to me that I am a millstone around his neck, even though I'm a good mum to our 3 kids and do pretty much all of the nitty gritty parenting. He is unsupportive of me and an arrogant individual. Believe me, I have tried my best to keep things amicable.
Our youngest (nearly 15) is showing signs of becoming a school refuser. I am worried sick and doing everything I can.
This morning, I got her up as normal and was cajoling her along. I then had to leave for work but had a bad feeling that she may not go in. I emailed my ex husband and asked if he'd please check in with her, by call or text (as would I, as it's not like I have the luxury of simply forgetting!).
This was the reply I received. I actually don't feel like I can ignore it. I need to say something, even if it will fall on deaf ears. This man is ALWAYS right. The basic message is, 'I pay you maintenance so that I can opt out of these things and focus on my big career, so put up and shut up'.
Please don't judge me. I have had enough of dealing with everything on my own.
And if you are kind enough to help with a reply, it needs to be concise and with as little emotion as possible. Emotion annoys him and he doesn't take it seriously.
He's an arsehole, right?
Oh, and the point about blaming the dentist is nonsense. When he asked me if the girls had been to the dentist recently, I replied 'oh yeah, they must be due to go, but I don't remember receiving a reminder, so I'll check it out'.

Thanks for reading

You need to take back control of the dialogue OP. Because it seems from his message, his percieved status as the important one with the Big Job and general attitude, that he believes he is in charge and sets the agenda and tone. So play him at his own game. Address him as you would a colleague (a slightly junior one at that, which where parenting is concerned, is exactly what he is to you) present the facts and tell him what is required of him. You can't make him do it, but you can establish some equality in communication at least. So rather than 'would you mind checking in with DD?" Go with 'DD needs a check in from you today. Please update me as necessary'. If nothing else you'll have the satisfaction of knowing he'll be furious!

This is good too! Even if you aren’t going to use his messages against him, might make him wonder what you might do with his message.
awful man.

But it IS up to me to open his eyes to the situation.
I don't manage anything. Believe me, I want to be involved with him as little as possible.
He'd be furious if, further down the line, he discovered that that I kept the school avoidance from him.
So I really can't win, can I?

He’s an absolute dickhead, but don’t worry Karma will bite him on the arse soon. I agree, don’t reply and just engage with him in the future unless it is literally life or death- asking him to do stuff which he can then refuse or do badly just gives him power or, as you’ve seen, he will throw it back in your face or use it against you. Make an inner resolution never to ask him for anything ever again. I can’t imagine that anyone like that who clearly has selfish knob imprinted in every cell of his body would have said anything very useful anyway.

Thank Christ he’s an ex. Youngest nearly 15, not long to go, just keep breathing, OP. You’ll soon be free of this haemorrhoid in human form. Better times are ahead xx

Anyway folks, the only thing I've responded with is absolute silence ... as tempting as some of your responses were
I can't force him to be a certain way.

If I were going to respond it would be one sentence, something along the lines of 'parenting doesn't stop at maintenance payments' and leave it at that. You've made your point but given him nothing else to pick apart. He isn't worth the time it would take to type out the reams of abuse he deserves.
He sounds like an incredibly arrogant, pig headed man who will never be in the wrong no matter how eloquently you word it.

This is why it’s good to get in writing that despite you wanting to update him on what you consider to be major issues, he would rather not be involved.
Then he can’t accuse of you of not updating him as you were just abiding by his wishes.

How ridiculous.
It's as much his responsibility as the op if their daughter isnt going to school. Doesn't matter whose 'time' it is. And since he only sees his kids at weekends he's never going to have to actively deal with the stressful school mornings is he?
You don't just throw maintenance at your ex and decide that gives you the right to opt out of parenting.

Wow! What an utter … I would not reply at all

You made the right call OP .

Next time you think she isn’t going in advise him again but ignore all bitchy replies . Just cover your back . You’ve told him , the lack of interest is on him .

Good luck with DD and school

I would Ignore the text but anonymously send him some kippers in the post. Preferably on a day I knew he was going away for a fortnight.

I feel for you @thegeniussquare because you have tried to be friendly, positive and promote a co-operative, businesslike approach to parenting. His response is to address you as if he is your boss and you are an irritating inept subordinate.

Just remember, he isn't your boss, you don't have to speak to him every day or even every week (the children are old enough to arrange their own contact now) and once you get that into your head, it will be natural to laugh at his pomposity and deluded arrogance.

Ooh I’d be pissed. I’d either say nothing and go through the hardship and when they turn out as well rounded individuals it’s only you to thank.

or

Thank your for your reply. I am concerned about Jess’s reluctance to go into school. I wanted a bit of support with this from you as I know she appreciates when you check in with her. No worries I understand that anything that crops up outside of your contact time is not something you want to be involved in. I will take full responsibility for the girls during my contact time.

Youre digging without digging if that makes sense and your shaming him even if he can’t see it. As another posted suggested when all is said and done and if the girls ever want to know the truth, seeing this will show he doesn’t care, you do and he basically only turns on dad mode when they’re in front of him

There is no winning, he's the father of your children.

Your daughter will be an adult in a few years and your interactions will be minimal. Winning is getting on with the next few years and then disconnecting from each other entirely.

@stuckdownahole

I feel for you @thegeniussquare because you have tried to be friendly, positive and promote a co-operative, businesslike approach to parenting. His response is to address you as if he is your boss and you are an irritating inept subordinate.

Our situation summed up in one paragraph.

Ugh. He’s an absolute cunt. I gave nothing useful to add beyond that.

OMG what a cunt message.

Give yourself a bloody big pat on the back for rising above. Never message him again about anything other than practical essentials.

Fucking men like this make me want to commit murder.

Such a dick, I totally empathise ♥️

I agree, resist any temptation to tell him how to parent, he seems like my exh who will take that tone if I dare to suggest he does any parenting.

Noted is a great expression.

And always leave it a few days before replying.

Show him he is not your priority.

It's infuriating but it will be easier to realise you can't rely on him for anything and just proceed in that way.

Thinking of you, it's rough...

He wont be aware of it, but to say that you need to take responsibility when it is he who has abdicated himself from parenting, is projecting. I would respond clearly, and disagree, and define a boundary with him. But dont engage in arguing.

"Being a parent is not something you pay someone else to do, that is child care. I thought you would be interested in your child's wellbeing, or at the very least want to be informed. Your lack of interest is noted and I will not involve you again."

Because otherwise, it is a no win situation. You dont inform him, your alienating him, you do inform him, you're not taking responsibility. Dont let him weasel out of it, be very clear about what he is saying to you.

I agree with the "I have noted your concerns" response.
Then he can't get shirty if he asks why you didn't tell him about the "serious" stuff.

If your daughter ends up as a school refuser and he gets cross because that's "different" or "clearly more important than the dentist/ girls squabbles " you can point out that he has them every other weekend and it's up to him parent when he does.So he understands the hard split goes both ways.

Sorry about your daughter struggling with school. What’s the issue, do you think?

Ugh what a prick. I’d sleep on it but be SO tempted to reply something like:

”Noted. I didn’t realise paying £xx a month absolved us of any parenting responsibilities for 90% of the month, but thanks for enlightening me. If a school fine lands at your door you were warned, but I’ll refrain from further contact lest I disturb your work. Best.”

And then I would ignore forevermore. Or I would type that out and pretend to send it to make myself feel better!

Who tf kind of parent thinks maintenance means they don’t have to do any parenting?!

I would disabuse him of the idea that maintenance payments mean he is no longer in a parent role, and can stop taking responsibility. He needs to be involved and parent his DD. He sounds typically arrogant and entitled like so many of the men whose DHs get mentioned on MN.

Of course you should tell him about the school avoidance, but you shouldn’t be telling him what his response should be.