Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

[thegeniussquare]

A little context. I am a single, full-time working mother of 3 girls. My daughters stay with their dad every other weekend. He was a cheat and our marriage ended over a decade ago. He has always been snippy in his communications with me. I endeavour to ignore, as engaging with him isn't worth it. He'll never change and it is no good for my mental well-being.
He is an extremely high earner and I'm not. He makes it clear to me that I am a millstone around his neck, even though I'm a good mum to our 3 kids and do pretty much all of the nitty gritty parenting. He is unsupportive of me and an arrogant individual. Believe me, I have tried my best to keep things amicable.
Our youngest (nearly 15) is showing signs of becoming a school refuser. I am worried sick and doing everything I can.
This morning, I got her up as normal and was cajoling her along. I then had to leave for work but had a bad feeling that she may not go in. I emailed my ex husband and asked if he'd please check in with her, by call or text (as would I, as it's not like I have the luxury of simply forgetting!).
This was the reply I received. I actually don't feel like I can ignore it. I need to say something, even if it will fall on deaf ears. This man is ALWAYS right. The basic message is, 'I pay you maintenance so that I can opt out of these things and focus on my big career, so put up and shut up'.
Please don't judge me. I have had enough of dealing with everything on my own.
And if you are kind enough to help with a reply, it needs to be concise and with as little emotion as possible. Emotion annoys him and he doesn't take it seriously.
He's an arsehole, right?
Oh, and the point about blaming the dentist is nonsense. When he asked me if the girls had been to the dentist recently, I replied 'oh yeah, they must be due to go, but I don't remember receiving a reminder, so I'll check it out'.

Thanks for reading

Hello, this would be my reply, I admit it’s definately passive aggressive, I wasn’t trying be but I guess I am.
reply:
ex husbands name,
thank you for your response.
I will speak with the children about the money situation, I apologise for missing your calls. I will ask them not to discuss issues like this with you if you feel unable to deal with it.
How I feel about the maintenance payments is irrelevant, it is used for the care and support of our children, so that I as their primary caregiver can maintain a decent quality of life for them.
I share information (“issues”)with you because we are coparenting.
I apologise that you misunderstood my answer to your question about the dentist appointment, they usually have a reminder system that very helpful, I was merely trying to answer your question.
With regards to DD15 school attendance I will talk with her, I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out and provide any support needed, she knows she can talk to me about anything.
Please let me know if you require any updates.
I’ll let you get back to work.

Yours sincerely,

thegeniussquare

side note I saw a really helpful article about how get your kids to open up to you, it said go for a walk with them, side by side and just talk about random stuff and hopefully that will lead to them feeling comfortable enough to share bigger stuff.
and I try to remember to tell my daughter that I love her no matter what, she can tell me anything, she won’t get in trouble, I just want to listen, maybe I can help or I’ll just listen if you want to vent.
if it’s possible (and won’t get anyone in too much trouble) have a sick day and just hang out doing stuff you both enjoy x
whatever happens I think you’re doing brilliantly, and you are there for her every day x so please feel proud of yourself xxx

I have an ex who behaves in exactly the same way. When my youngest was 13 he said the kids were now adults and there was no need for me to communicate with him about them… in lockdown he sent them out for takeaway without me knowing, rather than have them come into his house. When I had to go to the CMS to secure maintenance (he is a relatively high earner), he sent me an email calling me greedy and selfish then blocked me on all lines of communication. In truth, he was always manipulative and when his power of manipulation was removed by the CMS (I tried to do things on friendly terms, but he used money as a threat) he lost it completely.
I’m telling you all this because what I learned is there is no use trying to extract reasonable behaviour from someone who has no reason. As my councillor told me, you can only control how you behave.
I’ve dealt with a whole barrel of emotional and well being issues with my daughter, including school refusal. In our case, the root cause turned out to be anxiety caused by undiagnosed autism. What you can do is try and accept you will have to deal with it alone, get on with supporting her and getting to the bottom of her anxiety around school and I promise, one day you’ll look back with pride at how you have dealt with everything. The ex makes it more complicated, you can do this without him.

💐 ❤

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but on the school refusal side, there's only a year left before GCSE's, can you get her to go in for Science and English (assuming it's AQA) only? Everything else she could study at home, or using apps, you might be able to get funding towards them from the LA, especially if you can get and EOTAS (Education Other Than At School) arrangement put in place, please feel free to PM me if you want any specific advice on courses etc. Hopefully whatever is making her feel like she's not okay in school will be easier in a year when she's off to college. There is a facebook group called 'Not fine in School' or something very similar where you would be able to get some good support.

OMG OP big hugs!! the only thing that dick did was give you your 3 beautiful children. Your children will realise what a tosser their dad is in time. You've got this you are a strong independent woman.

Me too! Were we all married to the same man??

I’m team no-reply but I actually love your response.

Father's day gift? It could come very handy in combating his seagull problem.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/HAWKS-WORK-Control-Airplane-Beginners/dp/B0C2J5936N/ref=asc_df_B0C2J5936N/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=658875331196&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2158924646289236810&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9180614&hvtargid=pla-2194991968931&psc=1&mcid=461376b168de3d52973a0b65eecd1626

Gawd, you must be so tempted to splatter him with honey and tip a bag of bird seed on his head.

Fathers' day present?
Seagulls round here love chips :)

The chippees hat is fabulous, but I wouldn’t stoop to spend a cent on him. (Tbf, if I was carrying a glass of water and his hair was on fire, I’d drink it.) If you organise birthday/christmas/Father’s Day presents and cards from the kids, I would pull the plug on that and simply stop communicating unless he speaks to you first respectfully and nicely. Maybe via an app or email.

I thought I would share this as well… This is a customer service context but she has a magical way of communicating to aggressive idiots on the phone.

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSYDbxst7/

I think this is a very mature response. You look like the grown up who is attempting to keep things civil.
Ongoing I think you should continue to make your ex aware, in a very factually based way, of all issues he should be aware of as a parent, but otherwise not engage at all.
Re the non school attendance this is more important than he ever will be to you. Can you try things like in the evening when there’s time where do you want to be in 5 years time? University students who study (her interests) have opportunities in so many fields including xxx Or give her in fantasy what she wants. Yes wouldn’t it be lovely for us to both not go in. If I could I would take you on an outing to (somewhere fab). Shall we have a lie in on x day because we do need to go in today. Not sure on your child but the How to Speak So Teens will Listen is a really useful book. Good luck OP

Totally agree with this. There is no point in a reply. It may only aggreavate further nasty correspondance. You are the real parent here, he is an A hole.
On a side note i know how difficult it is to get a teen up and the worry you have about schooling, try to keep positive communication with your daughter and let it be her decision. If she doesnt make it its on her not you. Communicate your issues with school. I have been through it.

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this utter bullshit. I am angry on your behalf.

The thing is, he knows his reply is inflammatory and outrageous and that’s exactly what he intended it to be. He knows this will cause a huge emotional response within you, but please do not rise to the bait.

The power is with you now because you get to decide how to respond from here. The moment you reply, you bat that power back to him.

I hope you can get some support with this, like counselling perhaps. I feel it’s so important to have an outlet when you are dealing with someone so difficult. You sound like a wonderful strong mum. Please do not let this pathetic weasel have the last laugh.