Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

[thegeniussquare]

A little context. I am a single, full-time working mother of 3 girls. My daughters stay with their dad every other weekend. He was a cheat and our marriage ended over a decade ago. He has always been snippy in his communications with me. I endeavour to ignore, as engaging with him isn't worth it. He'll never change and it is no good for my mental well-being.
He is an extremely high earner and I'm not. He makes it clear to me that I am a millstone around his neck, even though I'm a good mum to our 3 kids and do pretty much all of the nitty gritty parenting. He is unsupportive of me and an arrogant individual. Believe me, I have tried my best to keep things amicable.
Our youngest (nearly 15) is showing signs of becoming a school refuser. I am worried sick and doing everything I can.
This morning, I got her up as normal and was cajoling her along. I then had to leave for work but had a bad feeling that she may not go in. I emailed my ex husband and asked if he'd please check in with her, by call or text (as would I, as it's not like I have the luxury of simply forgetting!).
This was the reply I received. I actually don't feel like I can ignore it. I need to say something, even if it will fall on deaf ears. This man is ALWAYS right. The basic message is, 'I pay you maintenance so that I can opt out of these things and focus on my big career, so put up and shut up'.
Please don't judge me. I have had enough of dealing with everything on my own.
And if you are kind enough to help with a reply, it needs to be concise and with as little emotion as possible. Emotion annoys him and he doesn't take it seriously.
He's an arsehole, right?
Oh, and the point about blaming the dentist is nonsense. When he asked me if the girls had been to the dentist recently, I replied 'oh yeah, they must be due to go, but I don't remember receiving a reminder, so I'll check it out'.

Thanks for reading

I’m not judging you, I also have kids with a cunt of an ex.

I know you are tired of doing it all alone , but he is never going to do anything that he sees as “ helping” you. You need to stop asking him to do anything.

You need to stop replying to his “ helpful “ reminders. he’s only doing it to point out what a shit parent you are ( in his opinion of course ) and not worth what he pays you .

He doesn’t care about his kids I’m afraid and you can’t make him.

Just stop all communication with him , unless it’s a life and death emergency.

Look for other sources of support for you on your youngest child’s school issues. There are probably threads on here.

Oooh I’d have to say something to round this off so if DC ask you in the future you have a bullet proof message that you can show them so they can understand. And nothing that makes you look bad. Only him.

like:

Thankyou for your message. I note your wishes not to be involved in any issues regarding DC. I had assumed that such matters would have been of concern to you but understand from your message(s) that you would prefer to keep this arrangement purely financial. We will of course all find this very sad but will respect this from now on.

Oh and then ignore him from now on

You cannot argue with stupid. I would ignore he would only love the rise.

How about something like...

Your daughter's aren't a magazine (or whatever) subscription. they're human beings who (hard to think why given this attitude) love their dad and from whom a caring message from this man could make a difference to their emotional well being. But good to know your cash is in lieux of showing any actual love to your daughter's when they might need it.

I've not read all the responses, so may be repeating, but if he has parental responsibility is he not equally liable for fines if she doesn't attend? I'd be pointing that out to him, but also adding I wouldn't bother him with the info in future. He doesn't want to be involved don't involve him, but you don't have to answer his questions either.

How old are your DC? Does he just pay for the 15-year old? Do you have to speak to him about the other 2?

How long do you need to talk to him about the DC?

If possible I’d just cut him off. Do nothing. Only speak to him if you really have to.

Will it get his back up if you just don’t engage with him? I’d be telling him that he’s just an ATM machine to me, and from now on I’ll be finding other, better support for my DC.

Then when I no longer need him to contribute to my bills, I’d be telling him that binning him off was the best day in my life, because he’s a twat.

Do your DD’s like him or have they caught onto him being a lousy dad?

He may be a high earner but he doesn’t seem to understand what maintenance is. It’s money to provide for the material needs of the children. He’s not paying you to do his part of the childcare. You’re doing that for free. I agree it’s not worth engaging but I would be tempted to point that out.

He may be a high earner but he doesn’t seem to understand what maintenance is. It’s money to provide for the material needs of the children. He’s not paying you to do his part of the childcare. You’re doing that for free. I agree it’s not worth engaging but I would be tempted to point that out.

You should probably ignore, but I’d be sorely tempted to send something like:

To be clear, child maintenance is in place to provide financial support for your children (food, heating, clothing etc) in line with your legal obligations as a parent. Info here: https://www.nidirect.gov.uk/articles/child-maintenance-introduction#:~:text=Child%20maintenance%20is%20regular%20financial,child%20when%20parents%20are%20separated.)

You are not buying my time to parent your children on your behalf.

Your reply, however, is noted.

100% ignore it. He's a dick - don't give him the satisfaction. If I get stuff like this, I compose a smoking cathartic response, but never send it.

You can only ask him to do stuff and he will do it or not.

"Your shared responsibility for the welfare of our daughters does not start and end with your limited contact time. DD requires a check in from you as well as I on occasion, and I will continue to inform you when this is necessary."

OP we were possibly married to the same person..?! 🤪 Exact same tone. What a knob.

I have two friends I text when I get this sort of shit, and one always replies
'Fuck off you absolute fucking cunt' and the like and the other responds with a sensible low level 'noted, now fuck off' type message. It feels good to imagine the first one!

I would reply in his detached and legalese nonsense form- I generally try to mirror my ExH style and it helps me...!

'Noted. Going forward, I will refrain from sharing when our daughter requires support. I mistakenly believed you may wish to know her needs, even outside of your allocated contact time.
Kind regards,
@thegeniussquare '

This is what I usually send tbh because the extra bit never lands where I want it to and he either thinks he's 'won' and is smug in reply or gets annoyed and unleashes the psycho... so yeah, it's usually 'noted' and that's about it!

He doesn’t see the world as you do and you won’t be able to reason with him. If he wanted to be reasonable, you’d be discussing supporting your kids together. He’d show concern, he wouldn’t need asking. Sorry it’s shit. My ex was not reasonable in other ways. Finally when there was no financial tie left and 2 were over 18. I blocked him after another one of his rants at me. I started to type replies and defend myself.

I would just reply. 'I'll take that as a no then.' @thegeniussquare

My ex husband is the same. Ignore him. Never ask him to be involved with the children. It’s called parallel parenting.

What you might want to do is get therapy for your daughter and have him pay 100% of it. Also if he is a millionaire can’t he afford school fees? Boarding school solves the school refusal very fast. Shouldn’t be a problem with his wealth eh?

Watch him clam up tighter than a clams arse.

"Thank you for that written confirmation"

The word "written" might make him think something is up, of course it isn't but he doesn't know that.

And if he messages you asking what on earth do you mean by that, THEN you ignore him!

I’d also start sending him bills for child related expenses. Maintenance is your wage right? So asshole, here are the other expenses. Thank you tinkly laugh.

Nothing to add but sounds similar to my POS ex. Any excuse to remind me of maintenance he pays (which is often late/ inconsistent/ refuses to pay) Disgusting behaviour

I am being a right daftie, and bawling my eyes out at the unwavering support on this thread. It feels so good to be heard. Thank you all.

I wouldn't contact him again, ever.

I'd have to ask him if he knows that he comes over as a pompous prick.

Why are you sending him emails asking him to check in with your daughter? If I was him, I’d be taking a pretty dim view of that. It’s not up to you to manage how he engages with his children.

I appreciate your daughter is suffering, but fake concern from her dad is not going to help.

All of the responses that people have given you will just look like sanctimonious whingeing in his eyes and further reinforce his idea of you as a hopeless case.

DO NOT respond. The best way to deal with Narcissists is to not engage. They thrive off conflict, so don't give it to them.

And frankly, I wouldn't bother trying to involve him in parenting either....if he's anything like my ex, I actually spent more time trying to engage him than just doing it myself and he was getting pleasure out of not doing things or doing them poorly just to irritate me. Now that all his kids (mine plus 3 others) are adults, none of them have talked to him for years.