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Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

338 replies

thegeniussquare · 11/06/2024 13:36

A little context. I am a single, full-time working mother of 3 girls. My daughters stay with their dad every other weekend. He was a cheat and our marriage ended over a decade ago. He has always been snippy in his communications with me. I endeavour to ignore, as engaging with him isn't worth it. He'll never change and it is no good for my mental well-being.
He is an extremely high earner and I'm not. He makes it clear to me that I am a millstone around his neck, even though I'm a good mum to our 3 kids and do pretty much all of the nitty gritty parenting. He is unsupportive of me and an arrogant individual. Believe me, I have tried my best to keep things amicable.
Our youngest (nearly 15) is showing signs of becoming a school refuser. I am worried sick and doing everything I can.
This morning, I got her up as normal and was cajoling her along. I then had to leave for work but had a bad feeling that she may not go in. I emailed my ex husband and asked if he'd please check in with her, by call or text (as would I, as it's not like I have the luxury of simply forgetting!).
This was the reply I received. I actually don't feel like I can ignore it. I need to say something, even if it will fall on deaf ears. This man is ALWAYS right. The basic message is, 'I pay you maintenance so that I can opt out of these things and focus on my big career, so put up and shut up'.
Please don't judge me. I have had enough of dealing with everything on my own.
And if you are kind enough to help with a reply, it needs to be concise and with as little emotion as possible. Emotion annoys him and he doesn't take it seriously.
He's an arsehole, right? Confused
Oh, and the point about blaming the dentist is nonsense. When he asked me if the girls had been to the dentist recently, I replied 'oh yeah, they must be due to go, but I don't remember receiving a reminder, so I'll check it out'.

Thanks for reading Smile

Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband
OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 11/06/2024 14:49

Arrrrggghhhh I'm so angry on your behalf OP @thegeniussquare !

But yep, agree with everyone who has said ignore him. And don't involve him in anything at all ever again (unless life threatening). You will never get the reaction you want and it will just wind you up more and more.

You can't make someone care about something if they don't.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/06/2024 14:53

TomeTome · 11/06/2024 13:55

Send a thumbs up and don’t interact with him again. You are free.

This. This is what 👍 was invented for.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 11/06/2024 14:54

OMGsamesame · 11/06/2024 14:30

"I see. Noted, thanks".

I also like this response

amylou8 · 11/06/2024 14:56

Wow what a prick. How do your girls get on with him? I'm betting he's a Disney dad for his 2 days a fortnight and chucks all sorts of expensive stuff in their direction.
At 15 my kids were making their own arrangements for contact. I'd completely withdraw from communicating with him now. Presumably they have phones so he can call them, and you never need to read his knobish messages again.

beergiggles · 11/06/2024 15:02

What I most wanted to do to my ex was shoot him in the face at point blank range, but of course that would have been hugely counterproductive.

Maddy70 · 11/06/2024 15:02

"If you feel paying maintenance abstains you from parenting then ok.

I have always encouraged you to have an active role in your daughter's life. If you prefer to make it a monetary-only relationship then that's something she and I will have to accept "

And then do not inform him of anything ......

rockingbird · 11/06/2024 15:08

I get similar messages, ignore even though it boils your piss (as it does mine). Radio silence is the only way! Oh and he's an absolute cunt.. he can take that to the grave!

IncompleteSenten · 11/06/2024 15:10

"Noted"

That's all I'd reply.

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 11/06/2024 15:16

He will be spitting feathers if school refusal and any potential fines land on his doormat…… what a plant pot!!

My ex thought his crappy 500 a month bought his way out of parenting as well. Now has two children (adults) who don’t bother with him!

fridaynight1 · 11/06/2024 15:16

Don't reply and stop engaging with him. He is a nasty little man who gets his kicks by making cheap shots at you.

Stop giving him the ammunition.

Please ignore - it will wind him up much more.

Moving forward I would stop messaging him full stop. You sound like a good mum. You don't need his passive aggressive advice/help with parenting - so don't ask for it.

TheodoreMortlock · 11/06/2024 15:17

"Here is your gold medal 🏅for taking first prize in the 2024 Cuntathlon. Shame you didn't even make the qualifiers for fatherhood. Now fuck off."

Sadly that's probably not a message that is going to help....

PollyPut · 11/06/2024 15:18

AreYouBrandNew · 11/06/2024 14:01

Ooh I don’t agree with above. I would reply.
Something like..

STXH, I (and the UK legal system) consider education as critical for DC’s future. I will continue to hightlight any risk of school refusal so you can support her access to the education she needs and deserves.

rather agree with this

Trickabrick · 11/06/2024 15:23

It’d be a 👍 from me to that peach of a message

BruFord · 11/06/2024 15:25

Dear X,

Finances aside, we both have parental responsibility for our girls 100% of the time. DD is currently struggling with school so we both need to support to continue her education, don’t we?

Thanks.

Maray1967 · 11/06/2024 15:34

brightpompoms · 11/06/2024 13:53

I'd ignore all messages in future.

Yes, so would I. Ignore this one, and any others. Save every single unpleasant one.

Namenamchange · 11/06/2024 15:38

He doesn’t care, and noting you will send back to him will make him care. He doesn’t want to be a parent and you can’t make him.

you now know what he is like, treat him accordingly.

id have little to no contact with him again.

BobbyBiscuits · 11/06/2024 15:40

No point sinking to his level. He's clearly just an arsehole.
I'd now never speak to him at all and keep any rude messages just in case things get legal.
Just ignore it and don't reply. I'd block his number tbh.

JaggySplinter · 11/06/2024 16:20

My ex is also like this... I pay maintenance and therefore I have absolved myself of responsibility for everything.

I have stopped contacting him about all but the most essential aspects of the DC's lives. It's so much easier to just acknowledge that he doesn't care, and crack on with parenting alone.

Mostlycarbon · 11/06/2024 16:46

The impact of having emotionally engaged parents can't be measured monetarily. Our daughter is struggling and heading towards school refusal. I am bemused by your refusal/inability to send her a text message as a way of showing concern and engagement at some point during your working day.
^^
It goes without saying that I will obviously be checking in with her regularly throughout mine. As you were.

ByUmberCrow · 11/06/2024 16:55

I’m in a very similar situation with my ex, OP - and you have my utmost sympathy.

The hands-off yet terminally judgemental tone of communications like this is blood boiling!!

But. I agree with previous posters. Replying won’t help. If you try and justify anything, he will bite back with disdain and criticism.

I know it’s hard doing everything on your own, and I 100% recognise the feeling of tiredness at having no support, however, I would still rather that than having to try and deal with the shit show that would inevitably come from my ex being involved - and the fallout afterwards.

💐

HandsDown84 · 11/06/2024 16:58

I would also reply "Noted". Don't put thanks!

RedHelenB · 11/06/2024 16:59

I wouldn't have went the text in the first place. Given your dd's age there's no real need to communicate at all with him, you did open yourself up a bit to a snipy reply.

KitKatChunki · 11/06/2024 17:00

I'd hold it but remember the line "Please take responsibility ". I feel you might use that one in the future for him. That's the line that irks me out of it all, as if he has any idea what you do for the three of them...

Newestname002 · 11/06/2024 17:02

HarpieDuJour · 11/06/2024 13:43

Nothing you can say will make the slightest difference to him. Just repeat to yourself "Don't engage, save" as you archive the messages.

If these are WhatsApp messages do a screen save/grab and save before he thinks (if he cares) to delete his response(s) for when he tries to gaslight you. 🌹

finalboss · 11/06/2024 17:14

'You seem not to have understood that I have contacted you about our daughters education rather than about child maintenance which is completely irrelevant to the discussion. I will note that you do not wish to be inconvenienced by supporting your children's education or health'.