Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

[thegeniussquare]

A little context. I am a single, full-time working mother of 3 girls. My daughters stay with their dad every other weekend. He was a cheat and our marriage ended over a decade ago. He has always been snippy in his communications with me. I endeavour to ignore, as engaging with him isn't worth it. He'll never change and it is no good for my mental well-being.
He is an extremely high earner and I'm not. He makes it clear to me that I am a millstone around his neck, even though I'm a good mum to our 3 kids and do pretty much all of the nitty gritty parenting. He is unsupportive of me and an arrogant individual. Believe me, I have tried my best to keep things amicable.
Our youngest (nearly 15) is showing signs of becoming a school refuser. I am worried sick and doing everything I can.
This morning, I got her up as normal and was cajoling her along. I then had to leave for work but had a bad feeling that she may not go in. I emailed my ex husband and asked if he'd please check in with her, by call or text (as would I, as it's not like I have the luxury of simply forgetting!).
This was the reply I received. I actually don't feel like I can ignore it. I need to say something, even if it will fall on deaf ears. This man is ALWAYS right. The basic message is, 'I pay you maintenance so that I can opt out of these things and focus on my big career, so put up and shut up'.
Please don't judge me. I have had enough of dealing with everything on my own.
And if you are kind enough to help with a reply, it needs to be concise and with as little emotion as possible. Emotion annoys him and he doesn't take it seriously.
He's an arsehole, right?
Oh, and the point about blaming the dentist is nonsense. When he asked me if the girls had been to the dentist recently, I replied 'oh yeah, they must be due to go, but I don't remember receiving a reminder, so I'll check it out'.

Thanks for reading

It's important that you don't come across as asking him to do anything though, as that will give him an opportunity to engage and argue.

If there was something like this again, that you feel is your duty to let him know, maybe a text like 'just letting you know DD has been avoiding school recently. Do with that information as you wish', and that's it, your duty is done, you've told him.

You cannot control how he parents when you're not there. You CAN however record incidents of bad parenting and pass them to those who CAN tell him what to do.

Telling him how he should respond reinforces that it is your responsibility.

I have nothing helpful to add so I'll just send a handhold and say that your exh is a grade a wank stain.
His mother should've swallowed him.

This type of message is what the passive-aggressive thumbs up was invented for. Either that or ‘unsubscribe’.

Hi OP, how you've kept quiet is beyond me. I'd would say parenting doesn't stop at maintainace payments, your not paying me wages, that money is to feed and clothe YOUR children.

I'd also tell him about the school avoidance and say thanks for the total lack of support for your child, when she fails all her GCSEs ill be sure to show her how you supported me to support her....

Your to nice to be honest, much nicer than me. Is he voluntarily paying the child support or is it through paye?

I realise you've decided to keep the stiff upper lip but what he's getting away with here is disgusting. I'd definitely at least keep the messages for when the kids grow up tbh.

Remember @thegeniussquare karma will hopefully be kind. Those beautiful children will one day see all you did and how you raised them.

In the meantime my particular em management of similar situs is to watch a lot of crime drama to help come up with forensically sound disposal methods, joking not joking 😁.

He sounds exactly like my ex (exactly! And also a very high earner), except my ex would refer to the child maintenance as my ‘meal ticket’. I actually don’t have any advice other than not to reply in any emotional way (which I see you’ve already said) as it hits too close to home for me. I actually ended up in therapy and had some form of (mild) ptsd from having to deal with this exact sort of shit. I feel for you 💐

You pay maintenance because children don't live on fresh air and you chose to become a parent to 3 children. So parent.

I don't understand all the posts telling you not to respond. He has told you not to bother him at all during 'your' days - surely by not replying him any more you're doing exactly what he's asking? How is that going to piss him off? He's an arrogant knob but that doesn't mean he's a narcissist. I think he'll just think he's put you in your place and will be pleased you're not bugging him to do his duty.

I've had this too and it is absolutely infuriating. Not so much with the maintenance = "parenting" but the lack of engagement along with backseat judging of what I do or don't do to manage as best I can alone. Apparently I'm good enough that he can leave them in my care 26/30 days and not give them a second thought - no checking in texts or calls, or wishing them luck for matches etc. Its the superior and pedantic tone that always gets me. Deep breaths, minimal responses and know that eventually it will come to bite him - not in a karmic way which is bollocks, but in the way that your kids will eventually see it.

I'd be tempted to respond "Maintenance money helps pay the bills, it doesn't parent the children."

But it's obvious that your ex has zero interest in actual parenting, so like others, I would simply file the message and learn the lesson that asking him to engage is a waste of your time and energy.

If you try to explain to him what parenting actually involves, he will switch off or find some reason to dismiss you. Yes, it's unfair that he's tapped out parenting, yes you're understandably tired of being the person all the responsibility falls on, but that's the reality of your life.

You're wasting your own valuable time and emotional energy trying to get him involved, and you need to conserve that energy and time to spend on the additional responsibilities you have ended up with.

The sooner you completely accept the fact that he absolutely doesn't care and will weaponise anything you say to him against you, the better. It actually gives you greater peace of mind as the boundaries of your relationship are clearly and realistically defined and you can stop figuratively banging your head against a brick wall.

My rule with my arrogant ex is that I don't ask him for anything, ever, I don't expect anything more than the bare legal minimum (as that is all he is prepared to supply) and I don't share any information other than the absolute essentials (eg saying the dentist hadn't sent a reminder was too much information - all you need to say is "They're due for a visit.")

This man is not your friend or co-parent. You are parallel parenting with someone who holds you in contempt. Behave with dignity for your own sake, but be absolutely realistic with yourself about the situation you are in.

massive sympathy for you OP, your ex is an utter waste of oxygen. That email is rage inducing frankly.

I agree with others about not replying at all, mainly because no matter what you reply with it will never be enough to convey to him just how fucking awful he is and how little you think of him. How do your girls get on with him generally?

As your youngest is nearly 15 hopefully you can have even less to do with him. Once my eldest was that age she dealt with her father herself. Youngest had enough of his shit a few years ago and refuses to engage at all now. Either way ex is happily not my problem right now and it’s a huge relief.

A vote for 👍 and no further engagement. I am sorry you have to deal with alone. Suggest (if you haven’t already) that you speak with SEN teacher (MH is SEN) and ? ask DH to pay towards counselling for her.

I'd send that a thumbs up emoji!!!!

He has made clear that he has no interest in his children outside of the time they are with him. Therefore if he is 'furious' about you not telling him something that is happening on your time you can direct him back to his message. Every time.

You two divorced, he's still their father and that includes every day scenarios not just what may occur EOW.

Just because he pays a monthly maintenance payment it doesn't mean that he gets to opt out of parenting whether in his time or not, it's also his joint responsibility to make sure that when such times arise, as here with your DD's education you pull together to show your DC that you're both reading from the same book.

Whether you reply or not is your choice but at some point the above needs pointing out to him.

He is 'not the boss of you' and his words are of no weight to you at all.

Carry on sending notes whenever you feel like it - or don't if you don't.

However, anything you say to him in reply to his message will be a gain to him. It will suggest that he does have power over you.

Behave as if that message never arrived. Carry on carrying on!

My exh was this sort of twat, I would be so enraged but I quickly learnt that saying nothing says more than ten thousand words ever could. I said very very little over the years and watched him dig his own grave as now my 19 & 20 have cut him out of their lives for being a prick - he is enraged! It was all done by me saying nothing and I have the best relationship with them. Try and engage as little as possible. Do it alone.

I had one of these. Mid range narcissist according to Dr Ramani.

There is absolutely nothing you can say that he will listen to. He thinks (or deludes himself) that he’s better than you because he has a good job. I’d recommend very minimal contact for the sake of your mental health because you will never get the answer you want/need - he just isn’t capable because part of his brain is faulty.

You are not his PA and it is not your job to provide him with any type of school, activity or other summary.
If he is interested in his daughters he can get that information himself as a father.
I would stop communicating and let 15y old and older to arrange their own time with dad.

If he comes back being pissy about lack of information just writte him: "As a father you can access this information from [name of the person/institution]."
Ignore all other messages from him about that or other issues.
Idiots like that die inside when you ignore them as it makes them feel small.

You are making the very common mistake of thinking that being provided with the right information will make a twat stop being a twat.

Whether narcissistic or not, a man like that is never going to read even a well written reply and then suddenly get an epiphany and reply with “thanks for your further remarks. I never thought of it that way before. Sorry about my dickish behaviour. I am going to pick up our daughter right now and see if I can help with the school refusal.”

He will just reply with more of the same.

I agree with the others. Just ignore him. If your youngest is nearly 15 that means all three girls are old enough to deal with their father directly. Don't waste your time and effort keeping him informed about appointments and school stuff. He doesn't care about them outside of his weekends. You're only driving yourself crazy by hoping he will be any help or support.

Don’t reply

and don’t contact him again

i would ask on here how to help your 15yo yourself - because if you wait for him or even for counselling, you’ll be waiting forever.

God, what an absolute dick!!

This would be my response too. And as a previous poster advised, ‘it’s all in hand’ to any seemingly casual enquiries (e.g. dentist). You’ll never get any help from him so certainly don’t give him any ammunition.

Personally, I couldn’t go for no response because I’d hate for it to be perceived as cowed submission. However, you know better than me what response is best.