Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

[thegeniussquare]

A little context. I am a single, full-time working mother of 3 girls. My daughters stay with their dad every other weekend. He was a cheat and our marriage ended over a decade ago. He has always been snippy in his communications with me. I endeavour to ignore, as engaging with him isn't worth it. He'll never change and it is no good for my mental well-being.
He is an extremely high earner and I'm not. He makes it clear to me that I am a millstone around his neck, even though I'm a good mum to our 3 kids and do pretty much all of the nitty gritty parenting. He is unsupportive of me and an arrogant individual. Believe me, I have tried my best to keep things amicable.
Our youngest (nearly 15) is showing signs of becoming a school refuser. I am worried sick and doing everything I can.
This morning, I got her up as normal and was cajoling her along. I then had to leave for work but had a bad feeling that she may not go in. I emailed my ex husband and asked if he'd please check in with her, by call or text (as would I, as it's not like I have the luxury of simply forgetting!).
This was the reply I received. I actually don't feel like I can ignore it. I need to say something, even if it will fall on deaf ears. This man is ALWAYS right. The basic message is, 'I pay you maintenance so that I can opt out of these things and focus on my big career, so put up and shut up'.
Please don't judge me. I have had enough of dealing with everything on my own.
And if you are kind enough to help with a reply, it needs to be concise and with as little emotion as possible. Emotion annoys him and he doesn't take it seriously.
He's an arsehole, right?
Oh, and the point about blaming the dentist is nonsense. When he asked me if the girls had been to the dentist recently, I replied 'oh yeah, they must be due to go, but I don't remember receiving a reminder, so I'll check it out'.

Thanks for reading

Send him one of these per day.

Why was the seagull said in Valentine's Day?
He didn't have a gull friend

What do seagulls drink out of?
A beaker

Which side of a seagull has the most feathers?
The outside

Then you could start on the car jokes

I endured years of behaviour just like this from my exH. My solicitor (partner in the firm at the time) said he had never encountered anyone so difficult in the whole of his career. I ALWAYS tried to reason with him, (ExH). He actually enjoyed the 'fight'. Another high earner and extremely intelligent academically, but not emotionally.
Everything was a fight, a barrage of emails, threats, him trying to control all and sundry. He even tried contacting my solicitor and accused him of not understanding and following the relevant Children's Acts. My solicitor had to request he didn't contact either me or him again.
'Co parenting' with this level of abuse is utterly soul destroying.

What I wished I'd done, was completely stonewall him from the word go. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. Good luck. I completely empathise.

In addition to my PP, I had to endure exH trying to act like 'superdad'-this stretched to doubling up on arranging things like dentist appointments and optician appointments. Then he'd try and organise birthday party #2 (inviting all the same kids🤣), if I got a kitten, he'd get 2, and when I got a dog, he also got one, then I got another pup, then so did he. It went on, and on and on. I had to endure graduation days with him. I was just happy and pleasant. This threw him. He wanted us to celebrate as a family afterwards. At this point I finally explained to the kids why I couldn't. And they understood by then. Apparently he's now concerned about their (non forthcoming) weddings, as he knows then he'll be alone, as everyone who used to be his friends, peeled away at his behaviour and his immediate family are now dead, so no support. Loads of family and friends on my side. Karma 🙏

He thinks he is superior to you in every way. That is a defence mechanism for him actually he is likely underneath that bravado very insecure.

Do you think so? I genuinely have no idea why someone would behave like this. I can't imagine you can go through life with this attitude and be a happy person.

God he really is an ocean going, gold plated, copper bottomed, steel reinforced bellend, isn't he?

Seagulls forever.

Take the emotion out of everything you wrote to him.

You would take a dim view of being kept in the loop about your daughter's wellbeing and mental health? And being told what would be helpful to her?
So you'd rather not be told?

Yes I genuinely believe that people who falsely class themselves as superior to others do so because of deep insecurities they feel themselves. I grew up in a household that created very superior grandiose men. It came from the fact that they could not remotely connect with their father and to deal with that they bullied women. I watched the development of the behaviour and the ongoing attitude as adults. If you can deal with yourself with gentleness and kindness when they behave as they do it is honestly the easiest way forward.

What's his fixation with the bloody dentist

Mine also emailed my solicitor. To tell her she was a useless solicitor. Wanker.

This

Mine also emailed my solicitor. To tell her she was a useless solicitor. Wanker
That'll make him look good in court wont it😂

I wondered what ChatGPT might say so put the original text of your question in the query box to see... Here is what it came up with. Brief, to the point and non emotional (AI Style)

Subject: Re: Checking in on [Youngest Daughter's Name]
[Ex-Husband's Name],
I understand your perspective on the financial contributions you make. However, our daughter's current situation is about her well-being and education, which is a shared responsibility. Your support in this matter is necessary and expected.
As you know, our youngest is showing signs of becoming a school refuser. I’m asking for your assistance in checking in with her today, as she needs to hear from both parents during this challenging time. This is not about maintenance or financial support; it is about being present for our daughter.
I will be calling her as well, but your involvement is equally important. Thank you for understanding the gravity of the situation and for taking the time to support her.
Best regards,
[Your Name]
This reply addresses his response, reinforces the shared responsibility, and remains focused on the child's well-being.

"Last I checked, paying maintenance is to put a roof over the children's heads and food in their bellies which you are legally obligated to do, it's not to absolve you of actually parenting your kids. You're a dad so act like one"

Wow just wow. Please just ignore him and never message him again for support or help. He sounds like an absolute k*^b. I literally feel annoyed for you.

It sounds like your ex is my ex! I wish they’d break that mould to save future generations. From experience replying is wasted energy. He will use anything you say against you down the line. Hopefully your children are growing up realising this isn’t an emotionally healthy type of person to get involved with. Fill their lives with as many positive role models as possible. Now I find it very satisfying to ignore him. He does things to provoke me like failing to send our child a card for their 18th birthday. He sent a picture of it written out and called it an e-card. How a successful business man can justify failing to get a card posted is something I’ll never know.

Maintenance is him paying for the kids. Not the time and effort u have to put into them. He’s not paying you for your services. He’s paying for his share of the money it takes to raise them. He’s an asshole and I would text ‘ thank you for the gracious input that didn’t help the situation at all. You do not pay for my services to parent from you, you pay for the upkeep of your kids, your own share. So if there is something going on with the kids I expect you to put your big boy pants on and get ready to parent the children we BOTH decided to have. Okay thank you.’

Sorry, I've got no unemotional reply for you either!
I have an ex like yours, I ignored and replied on very short unemotional responses until one day I snapped and let rip at him. And my God it felt soooo good!
No help, but lots of solidarity 💐

He only has them every other weekend then moans when you're doing all the rest and working and inform him of his children's issues?! What a selfish arse and sounds like he's so far up it to appreciate what you do. Xx

A difficult situation to be in OP but you are in control of it. Why are you using texting as a form of communication with your ex? I understand it is easier but that’s part of the problem. Keep communication with this person to an absolute minimum. Ask nothing from him and do not bite when he throws any abuse at you. He is trying to get a rise out of you. My best advice… use e-Mail to communicate (and only when you really have to). It puts more power into your hands and shows that he is not deserving of a space on your notifications as he is quite frankly unimportant and a money source only (from his statements). You don’t deserve to be treated like that. I hope you take my advice as I believe it will truly transform things for your situation and at the very least bring about some peace. You will soon be wiping your hands of him altogether when youngest is a little bit older and you can crack open a bottle of champers to celebrate that day 🥳

He truly is a weapons-grade asshole.

I would waste not a second more on trying to get him involved as a parent. It's clear he has no interest and an extremely limited understanding of how to parent at best, so even if he could be pressured into contributing, I don't think he would add value to the situation in any way and would quite possibly make it worse.

The sum total you can expect from him is that he pays maintenance and shared costs on time and provides a roof, food and power during the times he has the girls in his "care" (aka bare minimum). That seems realistic.

Expecting/asking for anything more will almost certainly only give him an opportunity to speak to you contemptuously and frustrate your hopes because he can (emotional abuse).

From personal experience, I suspect the reason you keep trying to engage him is that on very rare occasions when it is no inconvenience to him/makes him look extremely good in front of someone he wants to impress, or he wants something in exchange, he actually does engage, giving you false hope that he might be 'seeing the light'. If this is the case, I've found it's much less stressful overall to just assume he will not engage/will let you down and therefore not bother asking in the first place.

In a funny way, I think my ex being an utter asshole has helped me become a better parent and to get better at my own self-care. I have fully absorbed the idea that my kids only have one parent who they can genuinely count on to be there for them, so I have to look after myself really well so that I can be that person, instead of someone who is struggling because I am stressed and feeling snappy.

if he’s someone who’s allways right ( prick) it makes sense that he’s acting this way because you were the one who caught him doing WRONG! He’ll allways scorn you for that. Take the money and let the situation pan out. Good luck 💯❤️🙌

This 👆As a PP said, just ignore it and rise above it. He’s a twat!

I hope he realises that if it were to ever get to the stages of parent being fined for non attendance he would be fined too. Your text message would be proof that he was aware and you tried to get him to support his daughter.

Absolutely this!
He doesn't want to parent in any way, thinks maintenance absolves him of it so give him exactly what he wants.
If he messages you during his weekend with the kids I'd completely ignore it unless an emergency. If he kicks up a fuss I'd calmly tell him he gets to parent 2 days out of 14. They're his days to crack on. He's a knob! X