Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

[thegeniussquare]

A little context. I am a single, full-time working mother of 3 girls. My daughters stay with their dad every other weekend. He was a cheat and our marriage ended over a decade ago. He has always been snippy in his communications with me. I endeavour to ignore, as engaging with him isn't worth it. He'll never change and it is no good for my mental well-being.
He is an extremely high earner and I'm not. He makes it clear to me that I am a millstone around his neck, even though I'm a good mum to our 3 kids and do pretty much all of the nitty gritty parenting. He is unsupportive of me and an arrogant individual. Believe me, I have tried my best to keep things amicable.
Our youngest (nearly 15) is showing signs of becoming a school refuser. I am worried sick and doing everything I can.
This morning, I got her up as normal and was cajoling her along. I then had to leave for work but had a bad feeling that she may not go in. I emailed my ex husband and asked if he'd please check in with her, by call or text (as would I, as it's not like I have the luxury of simply forgetting!).
This was the reply I received. I actually don't feel like I can ignore it. I need to say something, even if it will fall on deaf ears. This man is ALWAYS right. The basic message is, 'I pay you maintenance so that I can opt out of these things and focus on my big career, so put up and shut up'.
Please don't judge me. I have had enough of dealing with everything on my own.
And if you are kind enough to help with a reply, it needs to be concise and with as little emotion as possible. Emotion annoys him and he doesn't take it seriously.
He's an arsehole, right?
Oh, and the point about blaming the dentist is nonsense. When he asked me if the girls had been to the dentist recently, I replied 'oh yeah, they must be due to go, but I don't remember receiving a reminder, so I'll check it out'.

Thanks for reading

I'd be a sarcastic sweaty word and reply something along the lines of "oh silly me, here's me thinking you are their parent but if parenting your child is too much effort then you really are just a sperm donor"

This has made me cackle very loudly in public and I'm not sorry 😂

OP. My suggestion:

Thank you for your response. I understand your perspective regarding your career and financial contributions. However, our daughter's well-being is a shared responsibility. I would appreciate your assistance in checking in with her, as it is critical for her to feel supported by both parents during this challenging time.

Chatgpt4o:

---

Dear [Ex-Husband's Name],

Thank you for your message.

I understand that you are frustrated with being drawn into arrangements and prefer not to be involved beyond the maintenance payments. However, our daughter [daughter's name] is currently experiencing significant challenges with school attendance, and it is important for both of us to provide the necessary support.

I want to clarify a few points from your message:

• The phone calls about a money situation during your weekend were due to the immediate need to address the issue for [daughter's name] and not an attempt to disrupt your time.
• Regarding the maintenance payments, I appreciate the financial support you provide. However, our children's needs extend beyond financial aspects, and active parental involvement is crucial for their well-being.
• The reference to the dentist was not about shifting blame. I merely pointed out that I had not received a reminder and would follow up to ensure the girls' appointments were scheduled.

As [daughter's name] is going through a difficult time, it is essential for her to feel supported by both parents. Your involvement, even if it is just a call or a text, can make a significant difference in her feeling secure and valued.

I understand that you have work commitments, as do I. Balancing these responsibilities while addressing our children's needs is challenging, and your cooperation in supporting [daughter's name] will be greatly appreciated.

Please consider taking an active role in communicating with [daughter's name], especially during this critical period. It is not about shifting responsibilities but about ensuring her well-being and future success.

Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

Best regards,
[Your Name]

Not sure why you would ever involve an arrogant, non-engaging ex-partner in a sensitive immediate-attention required domestic issue, when there's a lot of conflict?

How does it help your child?

It's not like he's going to turn up and build on your parenting, or support mum, or likewise cajole your daughter in a manner you'd approve of?

If you thought your daughter was not going to go to school why didn't you go in late and drop her off?

Why on that day did you think your ex-partner for over a decade, could suddenly drop everything and parachute in to save the day?

Is it that the maintenance payments are shortly to end if your youngest is 15??

There is something fundamentally wrong, in a hostile ex-partner situation, if one parent who hates the other, is calling up and saying can you call round in the next 30min to persuade a child to go to school.

They will be 18 soon and you won’t need to speak to him

I wouldn't bother replying. He's made it clear he doesn't want to parent. Your daughters are old enough to understand what a prick he is. He's making his own bed for alienating his girls. Leave him to it, and be the best parent you can be.

I think I would reply and say you were wondering how many hours a day he practiced in order to be a such a successful arsehole.

@thegeniussquare

I agree your ex is an absolute twat and the best response is either no response or a thumbs up.

To go back to your daughter you are concerned about - have you spoken to the school or GP about her?

Some information and advice here:

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/school-anxiety

"Love your girls more than you hate me"

Where did I say I expected him to call round? I asked him to check in by phone, that is all.
Yes, he contempt of me is palpable. But I thought he may be able to rise above that for his child.

I would reply with 'I do apologise, i had incorrectly assumed that, in addition to paying maintenance, you would wish to be more involved in the more pertinent issues surrounding their care, such as showing signs of school refusal, particularly given how career driven you are. In future I will bear your comments in mind and will endeavour not to consult you when the children are in my care.

Then after that do not respond to any other responses so that you have had the final word. He is an absolute narcissist arrogant misogynistic shitty excuse for a father. If he wants a hands off parenting experience, then so be it. He might find it a bit of a surprise when the girls are old enough to make decisions for themselves and would prefer not to visit him. As they grow older they will respect you for being the one to stick around and deal with them. If and when they have their own families, no doubt you will enjoy a close relationship with them and they will appreciate all the more the sacrifices that you made for them and what a cock their father was for leaving them. Think about the long game here.

P.s. keep the message and similar ones as evidence of his lack of interest in parenting, should your girls decide they'd rather not visit as much.

But I do understand your point, in that it was never going to end well so what did I expect?!

I would be showing that text to your dd's teacher and HT. The school need to know that her father is unsupportive. They can probably offer counselling/ support more easily, knowing he is most likely the problem.

I also find it shocking how many men interpret their obligation to provide financial support for their children as giving money to their Ex (which they resent). It's always seen as having to give 'her' money, rather than money for his children.

I’ve changed my mind about ignoring him. I like this response. It’s basically telling him he is being a self important, inadequate prick, but in a particularly intelligent and considered way.

Aside from the part where you appreciate his financial support. He's not providing you with financial support. He has an obligation to provide for his own children anc you should be made to feel appreciative of that as though he is doing you all a favour.

And then also add, that i am sorry to hear about your car being impounded. Perhaps next time take responsibility for checking the car park operating hours. 😉

Honestly, this man is such a bell end. I bet that he's loathed in the workplace. However, tables are often turned on these types of bullies and they get their just desserts in the end.

But I thought he may be able to rise above that for his child.

@thegeniussquare I think you would be doing yourself a huge favour if you take the time to seriously consider whether your thinking isgrounded in experience/reality or hope/belief about how things “should be”.

He’s been your ex for 10 years and from the small sampling you’ve included here it seems like there is abundant evidence that he’s not capable or willing to put anyone above himself.

At some point you have to accept that your frustration with the situation is in part due to your refusal to accept reality and work within its limitations, no matter how unfair that may be.

You have my full sympathy. This man is garbage and you can't make him act like a decent father just as you couldn't make him act like a decent husband.

My advice would be to block him and tell your daughters that any access arrangements need to be made directly between themselves and their dad. If the youngest is 15, they are all old enough to do this. Cut him out of your life for your own peace of mind.

@CheekyHobson

Yeah, I totally take that on board. It's pretty accurate, to be fair.
I need to stop looking at things like I would, if that makes sense, and anticipate how he'd be likely to see it. And never stop remembering the likely outcome!

@BlossomOfOrange

I’m in a similar situation but living with him.

I am sorry to hear this. Is there any chance of escape, now or in the future?

By the way, I am loving the seagull jokes and puns ... as well as all the genius replies of course

🤔

@thegeniussquare some people just don't understand how utterly debilitating it is to have to deal with these narcissistic arseholes.

My friend is going through hell with her father who she unwittingly went into business with, it's bloody horrendous and I really feel for you. Not biting is the best way but totally understand that sometimes it's the last straw when you've taken so much shit from them.

Weaponising maintence payments for his children is the pits. Hopefully once they are independent you'll have even less reason to talk to him. What an absolute shithouse!