Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

[thegeniussquare]

A little context. I am a single, full-time working mother of 3 girls. My daughters stay with their dad every other weekend. He was a cheat and our marriage ended over a decade ago. He has always been snippy in his communications with me. I endeavour to ignore, as engaging with him isn't worth it. He'll never change and it is no good for my mental well-being.
He is an extremely high earner and I'm not. He makes it clear to me that I am a millstone around his neck, even though I'm a good mum to our 3 kids and do pretty much all of the nitty gritty parenting. He is unsupportive of me and an arrogant individual. Believe me, I have tried my best to keep things amicable.
Our youngest (nearly 15) is showing signs of becoming a school refuser. I am worried sick and doing everything I can.
This morning, I got her up as normal and was cajoling her along. I then had to leave for work but had a bad feeling that she may not go in. I emailed my ex husband and asked if he'd please check in with her, by call or text (as would I, as it's not like I have the luxury of simply forgetting!).
This was the reply I received. I actually don't feel like I can ignore it. I need to say something, even if it will fall on deaf ears. This man is ALWAYS right. The basic message is, 'I pay you maintenance so that I can opt out of these things and focus on my big career, so put up and shut up'.
Please don't judge me. I have had enough of dealing with everything on my own.
And if you are kind enough to help with a reply, it needs to be concise and with as little emotion as possible. Emotion annoys him and he doesn't take it seriously.
He's an arsehole, right?
Oh, and the point about blaming the dentist is nonsense. When he asked me if the girls had been to the dentist recently, I replied 'oh yeah, they must be due to go, but I don't remember receiving a reminder, so I'll check it out'.

Thanks for reading

I would just ignore. He's looking for a fight - you don't have to give it to him.

This

Sorry, silly me thinking you were a parent. As a nanny you should be paying me £30 000 and providing free board and lodging. On top of what you pay for the girls.

Actually don't send it, but keep a record of the things you could have said.

Can't believe he has the audacity to talk about you taking responsibility, when he only has them for 14% of the time. What a brass neck on him. Please don't take this lying down. He needs his arse handed to him.

Yes, it's always as well to think 'would I like this read out in court'. I know it won't come to that, but unemotional and brief is the way if you really have to communicate with him.

I'm 10 years into this, I've got better at it!

Do not engage.
He feeds of anytime you contact him, as he then gets to put you down and it feeds his ego.
Ok.
Fine.
Noted.
Use these answers as replies.
Talk to your daughter, explain to her if she needs help you can sort it. That she has almost finished school and once it is done and she has her results, life changes and she gets to decide what happens.

@thegeniussquare i wanted to reply as I have a similar deadbeat in my life who thinks throwing money over is parenting. I completely understand how you feel. I am in no position to advise you as I am still struggling myself with not causing arguments on the back of messages like the one you have received. These men are scum of the earth and misogynistic. You could just reply and say sorry, you assumed he’d be interested in your child’s well-being 100% of the time, as you are. You’re sorry you are mistaken.

but nothing will make someone like that change. I am angry on your behalf.

well the good news is your youngest is 15 so you only really need to style this out until she turns 18- get a countdown on your phone! Then you can block him on everything and never need to speak to the fucker again.

I wouldn’t respond at all to his message.

In future I wouldn’t contact him for anything unless you have to. Any communication should be you stating a fact only.

For instance. Rather than saying « It would be great if you could come to parents evening with me on x date »

You would say « The details of parents evening are attached »

In the first sentence you’re expressing an emotion « it would be great » and you’re making a request as if he is doing you a favour.

In the second sentence you’re neither expressing an emotion nor making a request. You’re simply stating a fact. The details are attached. He can do whatever he wants with the info.

Don’t give him ANYTHING more than necessary.

My SiL has one of these. She asked me to help her write a considered response to something he was questioning re the divorce settlement. She sent it, he came back with several reasons why it wouldn't work, even though she had suggested 3 different options they were all dismissed out of hand, even though it was all time sensitive.
After a bit of toing and froing, she just stopped responding. Eventually, because of the time constraints, his solicitor ended up sorting it, which he was pissed off about because it cost him money. But he was so frustrated as she wasn't responding, so he could give her a hard time.

I think you're right to stay silent. Save the email to show your children when the time is right and don't engage with him again. Focus on being the consistent, loving parent that your girls need because nothing you say or do is going to make him take that role. Give him enough rope to hang himself with. Your daughters will eventually work out who the real parent is if they haven't already

Send him a picture of a seagull and nothing else.

I've found the hottest new item for your summer wardrobe, OP. I'd wear it every time I saw him.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Seagulls-Funny-Cartoon-Shirt/dp/B07LBPJ3J5

Like others I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of a reply. He’s obviously expecting an irate response so he can belittle you again. He’s a bully- don’t be a victim. You are better than him and as your girls grow older they will look back and know who was always there for them.

Dear Salty Seagull.
I have noted your above correspondence.
Out of interest, what is the going rate for providing empathy and support to ones child?
Asking for a friend.
Regards,
Leader of Seagulls.

But silence will probably help your mental wellbeing and free your time to best support your DD. 🌻

OP, I'd advise you to do the following:

• Open up a word processor
• Write down everything you want to say to him in the way you want to say it
• Never send it

I also echo what other posters have said. Stop trying to involve him. Keep the the communication to the absolute bare minimum. He is not a being a father. Your children are getting old enough to see his behavior. Don't cover for him anymore and don't give him any importunity to do right by his children. He pays, that's all you can expect from this waste of a man.

In the time it took to type up that shirty response to a perfectly reasonable request, you could have contacted your daughter to see how she's doing.

God, that's true. So depressing.

Loving all the seagull jokes

Hope this thread is cheering you up OP

🕊🦅🐦‍⬛🐦

Or even better, the middle finger emoji, which you edit to change to a thumbs up emoji just after he's read it!

My advice OP is to type the reply that you'd really love to send. Type it here, or type it in a note on your phone, call him all the names you'd really want to say. Then walk away, come back tomorrow and delete it.

It really will make you feel better just having got it down. You don't have to send it to him to make yourself feel better.

What a twat though. It must be so tempting to write a reply including "oh, so sorry, I didn't realise that you paying maintenance meant that you were only considered a parent for 26 days a year - must have missed that in the definitions."

I'd have been tempted to reply
"Okay Knobhead - you do know that you pay maintenance as a contribution to SOME of the costs of raising these children. Not as a wage to ME to raise them.
I thought you wanted to be an active parent in their lives. I will note that you are no longer interested in their welfare the second they leave your company."

But ignoring the seagull-bait-bastard is the best option

Actually, scratch that, don't delete it.

Keep them. Write one every time he pisses you off. Keep them all! Document the date, time, and reason for you writing them.

It will give you something to look back over in years to come so you can truly say "thank fuck I got away from that idiot".

I'm wondering if there's a market for a book of a collection of "all the things I'd say to my ex-husband if I could"??

Thanks a million once again everyone.
Funny, but I was just scrolling on my phone and caught sight of our last WhatsApp before I blocked him.
It concerned the dentist again
He was seeing the girls after their appointment and instead of picking them up from my place, I had advised him to pick up from the dentist instead (it's a couple of minutes from my flat).
Unfortunately I did bite that time! But it was the last WhatsApp communication I'll ever have with him. Email only since then, and essential contact only.

It would actually be no worse if he called me a useless cunt! Emotional abuse is emotional abuse, regardless of someone's status.

There's no need for it really. It's exhausting and completely unnecessary.

Why does he only assume, he should know.

Smacks of everything being below him, doesn’t want to get his fingers dirty with parenting responsibilities. Prioritising his own ego over his responsibility as a father and co-parent.

I’m in a similar situation but living with him.

The pattern of behaviour is:

He feels minor inconvenience or irritation from someone he holds in contempt

His response to those emotions

He lashes out abusively

Historically your involvement in the pattern

You thought he might learn to behave like a normal caring person/father (a reality distortion - he is nothing like that and never will be).

He thinks he is superior to you in every way. That is a defence mechanism for him actually he is likely underneath that bravado very insecure. He behaves with a complete lack of care and concern towards his own children. You need to nothing him in response. He isn’t anything of support for your children from your direct experience. He is a complete bellend.

Your kids are now old enough to do their own communication - leave them to have whatever relationship they can have with him.