Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

[thegeniussquare]

A little context. I am a single, full-time working mother of 3 girls. My daughters stay with their dad every other weekend. He was a cheat and our marriage ended over a decade ago. He has always been snippy in his communications with me. I endeavour to ignore, as engaging with him isn't worth it. He'll never change and it is no good for my mental well-being.
He is an extremely high earner and I'm not. He makes it clear to me that I am a millstone around his neck, even though I'm a good mum to our 3 kids and do pretty much all of the nitty gritty parenting. He is unsupportive of me and an arrogant individual. Believe me, I have tried my best to keep things amicable.
Our youngest (nearly 15) is showing signs of becoming a school refuser. I am worried sick and doing everything I can.
This morning, I got her up as normal and was cajoling her along. I then had to leave for work but had a bad feeling that she may not go in. I emailed my ex husband and asked if he'd please check in with her, by call or text (as would I, as it's not like I have the luxury of simply forgetting!).
This was the reply I received. I actually don't feel like I can ignore it. I need to say something, even if it will fall on deaf ears. This man is ALWAYS right. The basic message is, 'I pay you maintenance so that I can opt out of these things and focus on my big career, so put up and shut up'.
Please don't judge me. I have had enough of dealing with everything on my own.
And if you are kind enough to help with a reply, it needs to be concise and with as little emotion as possible. Emotion annoys him and he doesn't take it seriously.
He's an arsehole, right?
Oh, and the point about blaming the dentist is nonsense. When he asked me if the girls had been to the dentist recently, I replied 'oh yeah, they must be due to go, but I don't remember receiving a reminder, so I'll check it out'.

Thanks for reading

Actually @Littlemissnikib might have a point. Sending a laughing emoji would be a definite option.

Reply ‘wow that would make one hell of a father if the bride speech when she’s older’

Well, it's interesting you should mention karma. This is not something I believe in and I'd never normally revel in someone's misfortune.
However he did have two minor unfortunate occurrences yesterday (same day as the email). His car was locked overnight in an out-of-town car park which closed much earlier than he thought. This will entail a trip to get his car early this morning, which will inconvenience him big time.
And while he was trying to get through to the car park security firm over the phone, a massive seagull kept divebombing him!
My girls said he was screaming and swearing in the street

Even though I think replying to this thundercunt is pointless, I really like @Dayfurrrrit’s response above. I genuinely do believe that your daughter’s mental health would improve if you show her this as it will show him for who he is and that his disinterest is not her fault.

“It’s nice to know you care so much about us daddy”

This is true the kids will eventually see it. I was very protective of my kids growing up and never slagged their dad off in front of them. Now they’re adult they can see for themselves exactly what he is like (they’re not sure but it’s probably between sociopath and narcissist or both). They retain a relationship with him but now it’s on their terms. This means they use him for money (the only currency this man has) and professional networking and I don’t mind one bit. They play him, they use him, they secretly don’t respect him and he deserves it.

Love it. But knowing him as well as I do, the likely reply would be 'yes, at the wedding I'll be paying for.'

I’m enraged for you. He’s an almighty cunt. Arrogant entitled piece of shit. I’d raise holy hell with him he can’t opt out if parenting just because he pays maintenance. Tell him
he doesn’t deserve the title father.

Honestly I could swear this man is my ex! This is exactly what he would have said as well. The one thing I did learn to do was never respond straight away as it would be too emotive on my part and would give him a lot of ammunition to attack me verbally. Often I would draft a reply and edit it many times to make sure there was nothing he could come back at me with, but he often still did! I’ve spent over twenty years wondering what kind of personality or character disorder someone has to be like this. Whatever your ex has, mine does too.

@thegeniussquare yes, I totally agree it wouldn’t be worth it. He is a horrible piece of work, your children will see through him one day if they don’t already.

For a start she’s ‘their’ DD, she has two parents. Your attitude reinforces the narrative so often seen on here that DC are mainly the responsibility of mothers.

@willWillSmithsmith

Yes! It has taken me years to learn not to bash out an immediate, emotive reply.

He'd be furious if, further down the line, he discovered that that I kept the school avoidance from him.

Keep his text message. He just said he’s paying you to do the jobs of not bothering him with these things, that they are your responsibility. Therefore, he has no right to be furious if you don’t tell him.

Ignoring him, not corresponding with him will not only wind him up, but will also free up your headspace too.

*However he did have two minor unfortunate occurrences yesterday (same day as the email). His car was locked overnight in an out-of-town car park which closed much earlier than he thought. This will entail a trip to get his car early this morning, which will inconvenience him big time.
And while he was trying to get through to the car park security firm over the phone, a massive seagull kept divebombing him!
My girls said he was screaming and swearing in the street *

I don’t mean for this to sound rude, but how do you know this? I actually think you sound like you still have one foot in this camp. You have 2 grown DC (I think, you haven’t mentioned their ages) and one nearly old enough to deal with him on their own (16?)

Why are you still talking to him? Why do you need to hear information about his day? Can you not tell your DD that you don’t really want to know.

It does seem that you are both talking to each other too much, and it is a bit toxic.

It was meant to be a bit light-hearted. I know about it because my daughters told me (they were with him at the time) and felt embarrassed at his behaviour. Sometimes they need to vent too, and I'm not going to tell them not to talk to me
I can assure you that I communicate with him on a need-to-know basis. I felt he needed to know yesterday that his daughter was in danger of not going to school.
I asked for help, didn't get it, and will learn from that. It scares me a bit, to be on my own in the school refusal situation, but I'll just have to deal with it. Yesterday taught me that.

Silence and no response is best here but I have to say I don't like being the bigger person and I'd probably just send a thumbs up emoji because I know that would annoy the hell out of my ex 👍

I'd be so tempted to print that off in BIG FONT and sent multiple copies of it to his BIG IMPORTANT JOB colleagues.

😂 that seagull is hilarious

My kids used to tell me funny things that happened when they were with dad (before he told them they couldn't) it is fine as long as your not grilling your children about what's going on etc

I think I'd go with the thumbs up or the simple 'noted, thanks' reply.

Going forward, I'd keep comms short, factual and business like. e.g. if your school contacts you about no attendance just fwd the comms as is with 'FYI'. You won't get any support or help back so better to never expect it.

(But I would also keep the shitty text he sent - just in case it ever comes in useful!)

All future messages to this dickhead should just say “Noted. Regards, (your name).” Don’t engage. He’s way way more trouble than he’s worth.

Just picking up on the school refusal bit - my daughter at 14 literally stopped going to school - I had calls virtually every day that she had left school, wouldn't go to classes, etc. Get help - speak to the school - her head of year was incredibly helpful in giving her ways to deal with issues and even ways/places to go when she didn't think/feel she was able to deal with school (within school). It was the start of depression and eventually she got help with CAMHS. Please persevere - my daughter still suffers now but she has just finished a Biology degree at Uni and got the most fantastic GCSE and A levels results and hopefully degree - it just took time and patience (a lot of patience and understanding) but please start by speaking to the school as I know mental health services is a nightmare to access - it may not even be this but reach out for help because from my experience you can't solve this by doing nothing and you don't need to do it on your own. Wishing you luck!!!

@thegeniussquare He thinks you are his staff and you are being paid to care for the children as you he wants .

If you reply you have to be willing and able to stick up for yourself and not back down.
Also the way to deal with someone like him
is tell them as little as possible they wont make your life easier knowing anything , only harder .

Id reply telling him what he is and you are no
longer putting up with him . also that he is paying for his children not you and that he pays that money so he can opt out of parenting .

He is horrible . TelL him little . Don’t reply to him unless no other alternative.
He Doesn’t get to rule your life. On the plus side your daughter is 15 only a few more years to go and you don’t have to speak to hiM at all .

Keep up the silence and never waiver. Don't give him any ammunition, don't feed the monster. Don't ask him for anything, don't engage. Continue to be the best parent you can be.

I think you've done the right thing by staying silent but I don't think I would have been able to! Like others have said, soon you'll be free from him. Hold that thought!
Wrt your daughter, is there anything specific going on at school right now?

He pays maintenance so that he pays for half of the things that his children need. You pay the other half.

How does him paying maintenance absolve him from any parenting duties, when you paying half means that you get to do almost ALL of the parenting?

In fact, if you do that maths, he parents them 14% of the time, and you parent them for the other 86%

What an absolute fucktard.

By ignoring this, he will think that he's driven the point home and won. I would send :

" We created 3 children together. You only parent them for 14% of the time, and I do the other 86% of the parenting. Yes, you pay maintenance for YOUR children that YOU created. This is money to pay for things that they need. I also pay for them, because what you send me each month, in no way covers what they actually are costing me to raise. You paying for some of what your children need, doesn't mean that you get to opt out of any parenting when they are with me, if I feel that I need some support. And given the fact that you only have them 14% of the time, you should wind your fucking neck in. And let's not forget, that we are only in this predicament because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants and you broke our marriage vows".

Op, fuck whether he likes emotion. Give it to him with both barrels.