If you moved house frequently as a child

[Nosleepforthismum]

How do you feel about it now and what’s your relationship like with your parents?

My DH and I are nearing the end of a big renovation with lots of upheaval and two temporary sets of accommodation in the last 5 months before moving back home. We have two kids (2 & 1). It’s been stressful but also weirdly enjoyable and we’ll have made some decent money on the house when we come to sell.

I can’t help but feel like I want to keep going and sell up in a years time and do it all again (and maybe again after that). We’d be able to be mortgage free and financially we’d be able to set our kids up for life if we keep going while they are little. My DH is a builder and would work in between jobs to reduce the impact on family life but the kids would move house fairly frequently (every 2-3 years) and would spend some of that time living on a part building site.

A family member has expressed her horror we were considering this and thinks the children will be negatively impacted if we go down this route. Lots of “money doesn’t buy you happiness” chat but my overriding feeling that getting financial security is will be far more beneficial in the long run. The only thing I do agree on is not moving schools. Once they are at school they will not be moved.

Just wondered if anyone had experienced this with their parents and how it’s impacted on your life? Good and bad.

What a tender and touching thread unexpectedly. Some of the reasons for moving were very sad, and being hit for wanting to stay brought tears to my eyes. Moving is clearly such an emotive subject for many.

My mum was a spendaholic/alcoholic who made horrific life choices in terms of men/finances, so we moved FREQUENTLY because she/they often couldn't afford rent/the bailiffs would find us. I had no anchor at all, all my life, and I HATED renting as an adult but now we own our own home ad I love, LOVE, this stability, I am so eternally grateful for it every single day and will never ever forget this feeling of security. I cannot understand, as a mother now myself, my own mother's selfishness and stupidity when it came to my childhood.

Your mother’s coping strategy to deal with her emotional pain was to drink or spend money. She may have loved you deeply but never learnt another way to cope with her life. I would lay money on a back story that was traumatic. It’s very sad she didn’t get the help and support needed, and it’s impacted you so much.

If I was to decide to do this I wouldn't make any long terms plans just take it a house at a time and once close to completion on renovation revalate each time how the kids are and make a decision then maybe if child is going through alot at the time stay for 6 months then move on when child is doing better maybe you will find after one or two more you may have a child that seriously cant cope with living in a house being renovated all the time, we are all different and as they get older they will hate it for so many reasons such as constant upheaval the dust the mess the noise , when they see other children are having friends over to play, for food, sleepovers, others have bedrooms just how they want them leaving friends they have made in the street. Deffo agree with keeping them at the same school will help but as children they will take years before they will fully understand your decision to do this.

My situation was similar, I had a mother with serious (often untreated) mental health issues and she made horrifically bad decisions. My dad was around but he had his own issues and he totally enabled her.

Her parents helped them massively in getting a house (in a time when it wasn't anywhere near as difficult as it is now). She had delusions of grandeur and after two years she decided to sell it and use the money to rent a big house in a posh area, and send my sister to private school.

Before long the money ran out and we lived in a horrible apartment in a much worse area than where we started off. Renting with no security and having to move every few years.

Security became really important to me. It took a while for me to be able to afford a house, but now that DH and I have done that I never want to move again.

Some posters seem to be making assumptions about a person's independence, resilience and interest in travel based on their feelings about being moved a lot as a child. "I saw it as an adventure, and I'm still adventurous now as I like travel."

I'm very independent and enjoy travelling a lot. That doesn't mean I was ok with having no security or stability as a child, and having no place to call home.

@DirectionToPerfection YES!! Me too! I love traveling, I’m incredibly resilient and independent. And yet…

Big hugs to the fellow rootless ones ❤️

Moved 5 times. I have no childhood friends but one and no feeling of home. It had major effect on me. Don't blame my parents...it down to jobs and redundancy

@Daisrose
That is it exactly...a feeling of having no roots and never quite knowing where you belong. It's hard !

9 homes from birth to leaving school due to DFs career.

Good points. Very independent. Adapt easily to new surroundings. Make superficial friendships very easily.

Bad points. Always being the new girl. No longstanding friendships. No shared history. Reluctance to invest in friendships/surroundings as it always felt pointless. Constant changes in school syllabus. Having to change exam subjects part way through courses due to timetabling issues in new schools. Poor relationships with parents who weren't interested in any problems we were having. Knowing that your parents didn't regard you or any aspects of your life sufficiently important to alter their plans for.

Like pp my parents wax lyrical about their own stable upbringing and the friends they've had since primary school. They used to say that all the moves were for our benefit, to improve our lives. OP plans to use the profits for supporting her children with college etc. We didn't get any help as the money went on improving my parent's lifestyle and extensive travel after we left home. It was their money to spend, the issue was the hypocrisy of claiming it was for our benefit.

My siblings and I as adults have all valued stability especially for our dc. Our parents have been upset by the implied criticism of their choices but cannot accept that our childhoods were less than ideal. We are not close.

I did because of my father's work. I had an excellent relationship with my parents.

However, I made very sure that my children stayed in the same place from starting school to leaving home. It was a non negotiable for me.

As long as you do it when they are still little, and keep them in the same school as you say, they'll be fine. I used to move every 3-5 years but to totally new areas so lost friends every time and now I never feel like anywhere is truly home.

I won't say who but someone I know moved regularly as a child. I think they stopped really making friends as they knew they'd have to leave them again. It's affected their ability to bond with people and all their relationships are quite superficial and transactional.

I think it was the opposite for me. Being the new girl in my new schools, I enjoyed the attention and I always made friends very quickly. And I've kept some of those friends for a very long time. But I was an outgoing, confident child. Can imagine it would be difficult for shy children.

@W0tnow even for MN your tone is staggering given how honest I've been about how moving affected me.

But anyway, seeing as you would like to see research but apparently aren't interested in googling yourself:

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27288289

This one has a sample of every person born in Denmark over 20 years. It finds an association between multiple moves and an increased risk of violent offending, psychiatric disorders, substance misuse and attempted suicide.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3490785/

These findings may suggest that there is a sensitive period, in the first few years of life, in which exposure to increased residential mobility has a detrimental effect on mental health in later childhood.

https://warwick.ac.uk/newsandevents/pressreleases/frequent_school_moves/

Children who move schools frequently before 12 are more likely to present with psychotic symptoms in adult life

https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2010/06/moving-well-being

The more times people moved as children, the more likely they were to report lower life satisfaction and psychological well-being at the time they were surveyed, even when controlling for age, gender and education level. The research also showed that those who moved frequently as children had fewer quality social relationships as adults. The study also divides the group into two personality types, one which can do well after several moves and one which does not.

@Groundhoghcg 😯 I’m pretty sure you’re reading my posts in the wrong tone!

You mentioned the studies, I assumed you had them easily to hand. 🤷‍♀️

I have a few friends who moved a lot

They are all rather restless/rootless adults.