If you moved house frequently as a child

[Nosleepforthismum]

How do you feel about it now and what’s your relationship like with your parents?

My DH and I are nearing the end of a big renovation with lots of upheaval and two temporary sets of accommodation in the last 5 months before moving back home. We have two kids (2 & 1). It’s been stressful but also weirdly enjoyable and we’ll have made some decent money on the house when we come to sell.

I can’t help but feel like I want to keep going and sell up in a years time and do it all again (and maybe again after that). We’d be able to be mortgage free and financially we’d be able to set our kids up for life if we keep going while they are little. My DH is a builder and would work in between jobs to reduce the impact on family life but the kids would move house fairly frequently (every 2-3 years) and would spend some of that time living on a part building site.

A family member has expressed her horror we were considering this and thinks the children will be negatively impacted if we go down this route. Lots of “money doesn’t buy you happiness” chat but my overriding feeling that getting financial security is will be far more beneficial in the long run. The only thing I do agree on is not moving schools. Once they are at school they will not be moved.

Just wondered if anyone had experienced this with their parents and how it’s impacted on your life? Good and bad.

DH grew up moving from house to house but still in the same city and the same two schools. On the whole, it was positive for him and certainly made it a lot easier when his parents died as he wasn't attached to either of their properties.

My parents, on the other hand, still live in the same house where I grew up which is packed full of memories (and stuff) and I'm absolutely dreading having to go through it all and sell it when the time comes.

I'm sorry you find it extreme, but that was the reality.

Constantly moving your children around from one house to another is extreme.

You think kids in school won't notice and won't tease them, or ask why they're moving yet again?

You think other parents and teachers won't judge you for putting your kids through it repeatedly?

There are other ways to earn money without uprooting your children every five minutes. Most parents manage it.

I think of it as saplings, if you move a sapling too often it doesn’t develop roots or flourish into a full blown tree connected to other trees. It remains undeveloped and overshadowed at best, with no firm foundations.

I moved quite a lot. I went to 5 schools altogether. My kids will have gone to 3, across 3 countries. It’s been a benefit as far as I’m concerned. I’m not sure what my kids would say about it. I’ve never asked them!

Why on earth have you never asked them? Such a fundamental question.

My children are 12&15. We've moved house seven times. It hasn't remotely bothered them.

There not adults yet how would you know what the long term fall out is likely to be?

Moved a huge amount as a child. Lied to my parents that it was ok when they needed reassurance but honestly, it deeply affected and still does to this day. Feel very unsettled and anxious. Same for my siblings

@Meetingofminds It’s just not occurred to me to ask them <now> if they see their life, having been so mobile/diverse/whatever as a benefit. They seem happy enough. They’re doing well at school. They have friends. They are late teens, and my oldest has elected to move to a 4th country to study.

Did we get their blessing before each move? No. But there was plenty of notice, and visits etc. It was what it was. It’s the reality for some families.

We moved lots of times when I was a child. Often to different parts of the country. I'd say it depends on why you're moving. If you're moving because you a chaotic family life, are homeless etc then this does have a negative impact on children. But that's not the reason you're moving so I'd say your children will be fine, especially if they won't be moving schools. I didn't live in houses that were being renovated though so no idea how I'd have felt about that. Moving so often had no effect on my relationship with my parents and I always liked having a new house and new bedroom etc.

But you won’t know how it has affected them unless you ask them honestly. I guarantee you it has really impacted them, only you have chosen to protect and distant yourself from their reality.

No child is moved repeatedly, without impact. Your child is continuing the pattern of rootlessness because it’s all he has known. It would be good for your children to consider how they feel, properly and acknowledged by you so they can make conscious decisions for the future, and they might well crave a stable home.

Before we "settled down" when DDs were 8&9, they had lived in 6 homes in 3 countries (one less for DD2) and attended 5/3 schools. So this final move was House 6, Primary School 5 for DD1. (Now at Secondary)

The house move bit never seemed to bother them. They were used to that... they knew their toys will be there, they chose new decor, (just wall stickers, cushion cover etc). They didn't mind being the New Girl.... it was usually quite fun as they were seen as interesting.
It was the things like not getting a school place for 6 weeks. Then the absolute kicker... the school closures during Covid, and the In/Out lack of consistency.

So now we live in one place, and DH weekly commutes. DD1 is thriving on that consistency. But DD2 hates having her dad so far away.... so can't win there!

If you are living in the same area, and everything is consistent except the address... that is completely different to completely uprooting them.

Schools get extra funding for Military children as it is a problem. (And why the boarding school allowance exists!)

Umm. Righto then.

Yeah, sorry, it’s a massive impact. I agree with @Meetingofminds kids are like saplings and need roots. It had a knock on effect for the rest of my life that only began to show in my mid twenties. It was also for the “money” a lot of which I’ve spent on therapy. And I’ve come out the less affected than my siblings. We also went from building site to buildings site as my parents renovated. Not fun at all. When other kids are developing in a linear fashion, I believe kids who’ve had a lot of turbulence (like moving) develop in a manner of having to steady the boat and continually start again, rather than spend time developing themselves. Unless you’re an adult in their mid thirties onwards who has this upbringing, you have no idea. Out of three families I know who did this, there’s serious mental health issue - one has committed suicide. Take of that what you will

We moved seven times in as many years, because my father was an idiot whose ambitions about where to live far exceeded his income. This was in my first seven years, and tbh I don't remember how I felt at the time. It may have contributed to my never having important friendships as a child (though I was shy then, so maybe not). It didn't affect my relationship with my mother, and my loser father had waltzed off with his latest light o' love before I was nine, and there was not much relationship there to be affected.

I think staying by their schools would be the biggest consideration for me. I didn't move once during my childhood; we moved a couple of years ago when my kids were tweens so we tend to stay put!

We also found it really really difficult to do works round the children, it was actually harder as they got older - that tricky age, 2-6/7 ish when they're still so dependent and can be clingy with you, and need guidance during activities and suchlike.

But! TBH I admire your get up and go. I've had a kitchen plinth in the hallway for a month because I can't bring myself to cut it down and attach it - it'll take maybe ten minutes!

My parents did this. It was totally fine as they kept us at the same school.

I lived in 7 houses up until 18 across two different countries and have never really thought much about it. I can’t see that it has negatively affected me at all, even when I moved countries mid GCSEs. I made friends fine, was never teased.

My DH has just left the military so my 3 and 1 year old have both lived in three houses across the country. We will do the same as you, developing houses on the side of our jobs, although they’ll stay at the same school. By 18 they’ll both have a mortgage free house with a rental income to provide an income for university. I didn’t have any parental help for university and don’t want them to rack up the same amount of debt!

Thank you. Yes, this would absolutely be the dream. The problem is that we would still have to substantially borrow from different sources if we were to purchase and run two separate properties and pay for renovations on top, not to mention additional stamp duty and capital gains and it would put a lot of financial pressure us.

You are right that this is the best way though. I’m hoping we would only have to do one or two more renovations on our own homes before we would be in a position to do this.

How can anyone seriously believe that moving their children every few years has no impact on them?

They may seem to cope ok with it but you don't know how honest they're being with you, and you don't know how it will affect them into adulthood.

Fully agree with you, it has a massive impact developmentally which often won't be known until adulthood.

We moved 9 times before I left 'home' at 17 - granted the same secondary so some stability there, but primary changed 3 times. Absolutely hated it and it's still with me. Ive only moved twice as an adult and now I have children I want to stay in this house FOREVER. Im envious of friends who still go home to the place they grew up/or at least have memories of as a younger person.

It did have an effect on me - if you had asked my mum at the time she would have said the kids are fine with it. We weren't at. My sister and I still get angry about it!! Oh and there wasnt a reason, mum just wanted a 'change of scene'.

It would, of course, be better if your kids can stay at the same school. But, yeah, the energy I expended on coping with my environment is ridiculous. The sad thing is it’s a privileged trauma. No one is going to like boo hoo, you moved around a lot as a kid and your parents provided for you. But it’s deeply, deeply affected all of us in varying ways

Have you experience of buying/selling houses simultaneously or is this your first home? IME buying your first home is a piece of cake. Coordinating the selling and buying of property with a young family in tow, however, is sheer hell and the most stressful thing I've ever been through. I moved around a lot before kids. Things went wrong a lot, people pulling out the chain, useless lawyers finding planning issues at the last minute etc. etc. On more than one occasion I was left homeless or in a property with no furniture/losing hundreds of pounds in removal costs. It depends where you are of course but generally the market is not an easy one at the moment. Finding suitable housing at exactly the right time, in the right place to keep schooling etc. the same, and then ensuring yours sells and all goes smoothly isn't an easy ask. Sure it happens sometimes but if you're planning on doing this regularly you're opening yourself up to years of stress and uncertainty, which will undoubtedly affect your kids. Will you be able to be a present parent, nice holidays and family times/memories if you're always stressed about legal implications of your next move or current renovations?

A further point around doer upper experience of mine; asbestos, lead paint and various other damaging materials are common in pretty much all properties built up to the 90s. I personally would worry about the dust and implications on their health living in building sites half their childhoods.

It's something I would like to do myself, and I understand the appeal, but I don't think it's fair on the children, personally.