Brother and I can’t eat in public

[Voi]

Slightly exaggerated title but not a million miles off.

So brother and I have similar issues. We both cannot eat in the work canteen or partake in colleagues’ bakes. We have the same rationale. Why would I eat a big lunch (Shepherds pie) or sweet treat if I am not in a relaxed environment? Ie the food is not as yummy as it could be if it were eaten at home. As a result neither of us tend to eat lunch or breakfast during the work week. We do not work or live together but realised we have the same issue.

We both could never eat a McDonalds for example in the restaurant, would have to bring home to enjoy. But we can go out to a ‘proper’ sit down restaurant and enjoy a meal. So not that bad.

Just curious if you have come across this issue before?

I'm well aware of all of the above, I come from a family of chefs, my daughter is an aspiring chef, I'm a fucking great cook, I have six siblings, my mam has seven siblings, my dad has five - I'm used to huge family meals and "breaking bread" with my loved ones. I've helped cook for 100+ people from six different countries and cultures at our last whole family Christmas gathering. I get it.

I'm also a recovering binge eater, and learning to recognise that at it's core food is fuel first and foremost is the thing that helped me break the cycle. Someone with disordered eating is far better off learning to see it as fuel than as everything you described - because none of that is relevant to secretive eating.

Think this is deipnophobia - a form of social anxiety surrounding eating in the presence of others (OP says she cannot enjoy food because cannot relax when others are present), possibly combined with ARFIDS due to denying herself breakfast and lunch. That two siblings eat this way suggests it has familial roots. If its not an issue for you, OP, in terms of limiting socialising with friends/work functions/dating, then that’s fine - but if you have relationships, or eventually go to have children, I think it would become a bone of contention and need addressing.

in summary, it’s not really normal. Most of us enjoy food more in conducive environments (no kids, cooked for us in a restaurant etc), but if you deny yourself food unless the environment is ideal then this is dysfunctional.

if i was that bothered about getting the maximum enjoyment from food, I wouldn't be eating MacDonald's.

I'm not that bothered about it & I don't eat MacDonald's.

I understand this. It’s like wasted calories?!’ If you’re out or with others and talking you’re not concentrating on the food so just eating! Much better to enjoy it at home when you can relax and think about what you’re eating.

If I didn't eat breakfast or lunch I'd be starving and wouldn't be able to concentrate on work! When you say you wouldn't enjoy a packed lunch eaten at your desk, do you mean the thought of it makes you actually anxious or uncomfortable?

It seems to me that you have an anxiety problem. You use the word "relaxed" in connection to the home environment - is work not a place where you can feel relaxed, or be yourself?

I have really struggled with eating in public but mine is a result of a combination of being shamed, shouted at at the dinner table, dinner times being just awful, force-feeding me things that made me sick etc etc AND of being a fat child who didn't want to be seen eating (that came later on).

In my forties now, I can usually do it but I don't like it and am still self-conscious at least some of the time. If me and DP go for dinner for example, she sits next to me not opposite me wherever possible. Buffets are my last hurdle, last one I went to a couple of years ago I just got a glass of wine and pretended I wasn't hungry. But overall I have 99% cured myself of it. I am a teacher in a college and I eat in my car at lunchtimes, did the same in other jobs-although this has the added bonus of giving me a bit of peace and quiet too.

@BusyMummy001 thank you so much for that. I am a mental health professional (counsellor who also teaches counselling), I am well-versed in conditions etc so I thought, yet after 31 years of suffering from this only now do I know it has a name! I've looked for one before and never did find one!

I had what I can now see as an eating disorder in my early 20's - I won't go into detail but my partner had been buying videos of women eating something nasty and I stupidly watched them because I couldn't believe he would be addicted to it.

It really restricted what I could eat and where I could eat as I didn't want anyone to watch me chew. I could almost feel that again reading your post and know what you mean about it spoiling the food. Now and then I still get pangs of it when we eat out but you really can train yourself out of it if you want to.

I'm with you OP. I get anxiety thinking about eating in front of people though. It's been this way since I can remember. My Grandmother used to say, "only sl**s eat in public", I think she meant walking down the street or sat at a bus stop, but it really stuck with me...

YABU for using the word “yummy” 🤔

Yes, this is weird. Not every meal has to be the epitome of enjoyment. Just take some fruit or something, you don’t have to have shepherds pie and dessert in the canteen?!

Also, maccies is much worse by the time you get it home. Best chance of actually enjoying it is when it’s fresh, not cold and soggy.

I get you op. I prefer eating my food at home, I love eating on my own whilst watching Tv I feel so unbelievably relaxed, I will eat at work though although I dont enjoy it the same. I don't really like eating outside and
I've never really understood the whole socialising whilst eating either, I like peace and to savour my food.

I haven't worked where's there has been a canteen but I would rather take a packed lunch, than go without. I dont enjoy sitting in fast food restaurants because it's busy and often not very clean, I'd rather do a drive through.

I think alot of people are taking this post too seriously, if im understanding OP correctly it's not anxiety about food or eating in front of others, it's more you want to save it to enjoy it to the max. I get it, because I do the same! It's not that I never eat lunch at work (when I go to the office), but if I'm having something particularly nice I want to really savour it, and that involves me relaxed in my own space at home, at the table or lounging on the couch in my pjs. It's the same with eating on the go, i always need to sit down to eat something, I want to be mindful of what I'm having and enjoy it. It might be strange to some, but it doesn't mean I have an eating disorder. Totally with you OP!

I think it could possibly be anxiety based as I’m the same, and possibly linked to your childhood. I have similar problems nowadays, I’m 50, since developing some bad MH illnesses. I get anxious some days even sitting at the table in my own home if I’m not alone so can’t enjoy my food and feel sick and don’t want to eat.

When I had a breakdown and got anxiety initially I did not have this part of it but I’d sit at the table feeling really poorly and started realising this is how things were in my childhood. I’ve had therapy and now realise my rubbish childhood as I used to call it was actually neglect and there were a lot of sad/upsetting/feeling sick/eating quickly to leave table etc sort of things due to my mum. So my mums the one with then hang ups about weight, things not to eat, dieting, etc etc etc and all these years later all those negatives have caught up with me. I still enjoy cooking but currently not enjoying sitting with others to eat it.

The bit that stood out for me from your post was not eating at uni and skipping breakfast. Exactly the same for me, I never had breakfast as a child. I do now make myself eat breakfast, nearly always something healthy so my rule to myself is do not leave the house without eating. I tend to have fruit and yoghurt or a slice of toast or weetabix or porridge (I don’t really like cereal). If I really feel sick or full from night before (from overeating in the evening as I’m more relaxed and can eat then) I’ll just do a slice of bread and butter and make myself eat two mouthfuls. It’s really worth it as it is helping in the long run.

ps if you can’t manage the canteen, me neither any place I ever worked with one, just take a really easy packed lunch with small portions of things so each I’d just a couple of mouthfuls. Then graze on it throughout the day so say half a sandwich in the car or on the bus, a few grapes with a drink at your desk etc. At least then you and your brother will have eaten something during the day.

I’m a bit like this. There are some meals/food that I prefer to eat at home. I like to get comfy, with a book or good movie or tv show and savor my food. For some reason I don’t enjoy it as much when I’m out. My DM was the same.

Do people really eat things like Shepherds Pie at work? Don’t most people just eat a sandwich or bring in their own tub of salad or something. The only times I’ve eaten ‘proper’ meals at work is the Christmas lunch. Admittedly I’ve never really enjoyed it because that is the type of food I’d be wanting to eat at home. I don’t like eating in front of ‘strangers’ but I like food and get too hungry during the day to deprive myself.

As an aside, I realise that often when eating out I will leave half of it and ask for a take out container as I’d prefer to eat it at home.

Many people eat the hot option which is always a fairly filling option.

I’d be asleep if I had a proper hot lunch at work, strictly cold stuff I’ve brought in myself. I would either eat at my desk or hope to find a quiet corner somewhere.

I was going to type that I think it’s odd (but you do you if you’re happy with it) but it’s 6.40pm and I’ve not had anything to eat yet today either 😂. I never have breakfast because I don’t wake up hungry either and work is often too busy to eat either that or lunch. But it’s purely a ‘too focused to think about eating’ thing, so no, not come across it where someone doesn't like eating meals in front of others.

Are you happy with how you eat, OP? (It doesn’t sound like you feel you’re missing out from your posts). If so, then stick with something that works for you - it’s basically OMAD/5:2 which works for a lot of people! If you’re a healthy weight, active and you’re happy with the routine then you’re doing fine. And it’s saving you plenty of cash, so what’s the harm?

But why wouldn't you eat breakfast. Most people eat that at home.

The association here seems to be between the sense of feeling relaxed and the ability to enjoy your food, every meal, to the max, all of the time.

There must be something childhood related that is causing the association.

What is it about eating a simple sandwhich in the office that makes you not want to do it.

And, when did you last try?

I have odd behaviour with food, often just not hungry and eating would be like putting cotton wool in my mouth but am a healthy weight so other than pushing myself to take a multivitamin and eat some greens, and trying to mirror good habits for the kids I just roll with it to be honest. I know a few people who skip breakfast and just don't feel hungry til later in the day (and make up for it then, quite possibly in comfort of their own home). Sounds like a preference not something requiring therapy.

I think this is fairly common and I'm sure there is a name for it. My dad has something similar, he won't eat meals prepared at others houses. But he is however happy to eat at a greasy spoon!

If you're otherwise fit, healthy, normal weight, you're over thinking it. Maybe.

Or maybe you should see a therapist?

Normal weight people tend to eat when actually hungry. Not decide that something would be more "yummy" at home.

You certainly have a problem when it comes to MacDonald's. You've got the high fat/sugar combo with hot food - but have you actually tasted the food 12 hours later. The chips? The milkshake? The burger?

The fact that both your brother and you are different to normal behaviours suggests it's something in your upbringing.

But why is eating in public such an issue? Do you eat with your mouths open? Or just have otherwise really poor table manners?

But is it affecting you or your health?