To be AMAZED at this cms calculation?

[whatnowws]

Recently split from DS’s dad. He won’t communicate or see ds, so after several weeks I contacted cms. They are getting in touch with him but… the claim is for 730 a month?!? He earns almost 80k? How can this be right?

meanwhile, I’m earning 46k and paying 1,700 in nursery costs and all other costs for ds?

how on earth is that supposed to be fair?! This calculation is also assuming he continues not to see ds. If he wants him a night or more then costs reduce further… basically he can do what he wants and I’m expected to pick up the financial pieces no matter what.

Surely you're not suggesting that a PWC who has their own means shouldn't expect their child's other parent to make a financial contribution towards bringing up their own children?

OP, are you willing to have him have an equal say in the financial decisions if he contributes to half? So he gets to veto the current nursery for example and choose a cheaper one, he decides his child should have cheaper costs at home, live in a cheaper house or area, fewer clubs in the future, change schools, stop doing hobbies he enjoys because he can't afford them?
I appreciate it feels unfair. In my relationship, DH and I both contribute equally (as in we both pay in all of our salaries to one account and everything comes out of it, the actual amounts are not equal) and we also make every decision together. He can say if he doesn't think we can afford to do something for DD as can I.

What you're petitioning for sounds right, but in reality it would be impossible because you two have clearly split up for a reason (as have most couples) and it doesn't sound like you'd be able to make decisions together in a measured and collaborative way. You wouldn't get to decide what the costs were for your child and make him pay half, he could decide that he didn't agree with those costs and argue for cheaper options and you wouldn't be able to overrule him.

Oh here we go taxpayers v people with children now (people with children do not pay tax in Mumsnet land) this is def a MN bingo thread.

Even having 46k called a massive salary, everyone is on form tonight!

People on about nursery costs being high, I just think WTAF! 9 years since my youngest left nursery to start pre school. I'm in the North, was what I'd say a mid range daycare and it cost just over £900 pcm then! 9 years later, with rising costs and if OP is based in the South, it's not unreasonable to think the nursery costs seem expected!

then the system needs altering to achieve your goals

Are you for real? Work less and earn less because her supposed partner has walked away and taken his salary with him? But left his child, who has not only lost a parent but also now having to have a massive drop in his standard of living?

And because he decided to leave, she has to now sacrifice her career? Sorry, more of her career, as there's a good chance her earnings are less because she's taken the hit to raise their son, while he didn't lose out on any opportunities.

Or, how about Dad covers half the childcare costs, so Mum can work and provide for him?

What a thick response. You do know that different areas vary in cost don’t you? Please tell me you know that. Housing, nurseries etc.

Why is your maintenance relevant to the issue of OP’s situation and unfair patriarchal systems?

You wouldn't get to decide what the costs were for your child and make him pay half, he could decide that he didn't agree with those costs and argue for cheaper options and you wouldn't be able to overrule him.

Where separated parents can't agree on schools/nurseries and other important decisions concerning children, they can ask a court to make the decision for them. So yes he could be overruled.

As others have said you do not have to pay childcare for that many years

So why shouldn't the father on almost double the salary contribute?

It's a joke and it's unfair. Yes. My self employed ex got away with less than a hundred a month for years. I'm greedy apparently. I get £340 now. That's it. That's his contribution. He also doesn't see our son. The whole system punishes single parents.

The bitterness and hate spewed at someone who dare complain when they aren’t on the bones of their arse is sickening on Mumsnet

Rules of single parenting: you're always in the wrong.

And if the OP were struggling, she'd be told it's her own fault because (delete as appropriate)

• she should have found a better partner
• she should work harder
• she should get a better job
• she should have worked harder at her marriage
• she shouldn't ever have worked part time
• she shouldn't work part time

etc etc etc

To answer a few questions, no I don’t expect half my mortgage to be paid or even half my bills (even though they are higher due to ds).

I simply expect him to pay half nursery, half clothes, half nappies and half food. The essentials.

I really genuinely cannot see how there can be any argument as to why that shouldn’t be the case.

Even if he paid half properly, it’s still me taking the hit in other ways - no down time, cutting corners with work hours to rush to collect at nursery, not being able to progress as quickly etc.

It’s really worrying that some people are so lacking in intelligence that they can’t see that it is fundamentally wrong that women have to pick up the slack. I guess that’s how the patriarchy still has a hold.

I am very sorry that you are going through this andthe fact that your ex partner isn't seeing his son makes it more painful.
I am unsure how calculations are made re cm but most people wil agree that it seems very unfair to the parent{ nearly always the mother) who becomes a 'single parent'. I raised my son as a single parent and received no maintenance at all and I have heard many similar stories. Yes, nursry fees are crippling but I am unsure if the law makes your ex partner liable for contribution towards the cost.
As for help with nursery fees with benefits, the system can seem complicated and a recent family member who was earning less than 40k was told she was ineligible for financial support re nursery fees unless she was working 16hrs pw and on UC ! So, all very complicated.
Please take care of yourself, you could torment yourself with the unfairness of it all

Oh and I would be quite happy for DS’s dad to sort a nursery and deal with the costs etc… I will pay half of where he finds for ds, no problem.

Unfortunately deadbeats just don’t do these things!

My ex rejigged so that all his income went through the business account so he was assessed as having no income and I was awarded £30 a month; £10 per child.

It's over 700 here for part time, and that's one of the more reasonable ones.

Have a quick Google search and look at some of the daily rates of nurseries in other areas. You might be surprised that they don't match what you see.

Try looking outside your own bubble before you call people ridiculous for paying market rate for somewhere other than your town.

I just had a quick look at nurseries here. They were all around the £1700 per month mark for full time.

£1,700 for nursery is ridiculous 🤣 That's not necessary. Look for a cheaper nursery. Nurseries round here are about 700 at the moment for 5 full days.

^

Bravo

Yeah op, just move.

Just what she needs, after all the trouble she's had with the child's dad leaving!

Exactly! Some of the posts on here blow my brains! Currently all of the nursery costs are met by her salary prior to her and the child’s living expenses, and yet her ex who earns double what she does gets to disregard any thought of nursery fees and hand over a paltry £700! Mind blown! It’s fucking unbelievable!

anything the state pays to help with nursery fees should be directly billed to the scum bag dad. Who are the people that come up with such a shit system. He warns £80k ffs he could easily pay for his child’s nursery. Why should the state pick up the bill?

And £1,700 is the going rate for nursery here (not London) as it is in many other non-London places. Why do you think people make such a thing about the cost of childcare? It’s because it’s extortionate!

It's based on what CMS calculates as his disposable income after tax NI, pension etc. It doesn't take into account what other things he, or you, spend your money on. He'll have to adjust his spending to pay it if he doesn't have £730 a month that isn't already accounted for.

Where you are maybe. £1,700 is standard here

This tread has really shocked me too! How many thick women there are out there who think you should just ‘cut your cloth’ when he’s on £80k and pays just £730 (which is fuck all compared with his salary and your nursery costs).

Unless all of the ‘mums’ commenting are actually deadbeat dads themselves.

I've only read half this thread and I'm so sorry for the lack of empathy.

Nursery fees are similar in my area and yes he should pay half costs. Why on earth would they expect you to stop working - nobody ever says that to a dad. Shocking attitude of some of the posters. It's not a race to the bottom to see who can be treated the worst.

Sadly, I think this is the system but you are right to be annoyed at the low expectations.

I think if he’s the sort of man that entirely abandons a small child it would be very off brand to be a paragon of virtue when it comes to meeting his financial obligations. Sadly I bet he’ll have no trouble getting an endless cycle of replacement women to match his taste of the moment with the sort of money he’s on.

I think you stand as a shining example of female independence. Your child won’t suffer thanks to deficiency's of the father. I hope once all the sting of this faded you find some personal happiness again.

Yes but not by OP. She can't overrule him and just tell him what the costs are that he must pay, he'd get to participate and have an equal say in those costs.
She's talking about rewriting the system, it's won't be as easy as saying going forward a figure is decided by one parent on the costs and the other has to pay half.
I mean in an ideal world he wouldn't be a dick who won't see his child, he would have the child half of the time and wouldn't pay his ex anything because he'd be paying for child directly and making those choices himself, but the world is not ideal.