To be AMAZED at this cms calculation?

[whatnowws]

Recently split from DS’s dad. He won’t communicate or see ds, so after several weeks I contacted cms. They are getting in touch with him but… the claim is for 730 a month?!? He earns almost 80k? How can this be right?

meanwhile, I’m earning 46k and paying 1,700 in nursery costs and all other costs for ds?

how on earth is that supposed to be fair?! This calculation is also assuming he continues not to see ds. If he wants him a night or more then costs reduce further… basically he can do what he wants and I’m expected to pick up the financial pieces no matter what.

Sorry, unless you're still living in the 1990s, £46k is not alot when you have children. I believe you're the one showing how out of touch you are. Everything is more expensive nowadays.

That being said, while it's shit that OPs amount currently doesn't cover half the cost of childcare, in about 5 years it will more than cover half the cost of raising one child on a monthly basis. Who is it then unfair on? Or is that okay?

I get £7 a week for 2 children. Men just don’t have to worry like mothers do and it sucks.
I would prefer to not have the money and him be required to have them 50/50 but alas that is not going to happen.

I see why you are shocked. He earns well, isn’t taking much responsibility for his own child and isn’t being expected to contribute much as a percent of his salary. Children are expensive
So you earn a reasonable wage and have obviously been building a good career and then people are criticising you for ‘having enough’, which seems mad. Why is it a race to the bottom?!
I find the mindset mind boggling, and hope you work out a solution.

It is so wrong op.

but as others have said, the nursery years don’t last long, and then you will be better off - by quite a bit.

just hope against hope that your ex remains employed. If he goes self employed, sorry to say but you’ll be stuffed. there the system is even more of a failure.

( ex with an income of over £150k went self employed (limited company) the month after I applied through CMS - and now I get £100/month for two teens).

It’s completely unfair - my nursery fees are £1500 a month some months, my take home pay is £1900 a month and I get £158 off my daughters father and no help for nursery from him. Completely get your frustrations, but no court or CSA will have anything to say about you. The system needs an overhaul!

While it would no doubt be very satisfying for the OP to drop her DS off with his father and say "working is apparently optional, you fucker, so don't come bothering me for nursery costs", the reality of course is that you can't force someone to be a parent and the OP isn't going to let her son end up in foster care to prove a point. Social services would just bring him straight back to her.

It’s mad, can you ask him to pay half of nursery too? CM is a minimum, he should deffo pay more at the moment since expenses are so high.

if he won’t, could you speak to his family? Explain he’s left you high and dry and see if they can make him see it’s not fair on your son.

I remember looking what id get ( when my friend was having an awful divorce and a big money battle!) and although id get the maximum it’s not even close to what he spends on our child now, its about 15% of his income before any bonuses which seems ludicrous, I really don’t understand the system.

How do you suggests she swaps custody with someone who has walked away and not even been in touch to ask after his child exactly?

Its hardly like she’s ran away with the kid and then demanded all his money 🙄

He doesn't even see the child.

Maybe if we explained in small words that the tax collected from your salaries, pensions & savings will be spent on contributing to nursery fees, so men like the OP's ex don't have to pay those fees, people will understand why he should pay it.

I certainly would prefer my taxes to go into schools and the NHS, and men pay for their own childcare, and assume that others would too.

Yes, the OP may be able to claim UC or some other benefits, but surely, point 1 should be that the father (who earns £80k a year, £6,666 per month before tax) contributes towards nursery fees FOR HIS CHILD and not the rest of us tax payers because he doesn't want to?

Besides which, children aren't hot potatoes to be dropped as quickly as possible on someone else.

Decent parents cherish them, and that means standing up for them when their absent parent is screwing them over.

Because this is what this man is doing - he's not screwing over the OP, he's screwing over their kid.

Scumbag. Who stands on their legal rights when it's their child who will suffer?

You are absolutely right in what you say. Other women on here are so used to seeing the men in their lives not even meeting the bare minimum that your ex is glorified for paying less than his equal share.

I find it so fascinating that there is this much internalised misogyny.

I bet you any money if you had started a thread saying you don’t want the dad to have 50/50 custody, you’d get an earful from these same deadbeat sympathisers about how he’s entitled to half the time. But you are of course not entitled to half the childcare and living costs. Because sadly in life men get what they are entitled to, and women should just be grateful for the breadcrumbs they are thrown.

Working is essential. Men don’t pay childcare so women can work, they pay THEIR share so that THEY can work.

It’s pitiful and pathetic. I am so glad I don’t know any women in real life with the same sorry perspective of some of these posters.

I'm shocked by it!

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I hope you can get more through chatting with the dad?!?!

I think your DS is probably better off without him by the sounds of it x

£1,700 for nursery is ridiculous 🤣 That's not necessary. Look for a cheaper nursery. Nurseries round here are about 700 at the moment for 5 full days.

I get zero maintenance! £730 is huge and don't forget, he'll be paying 40% tax on that 80k! Unless 80k is his take home

It's funny how all these men think they're being fleeced, but hardly ANY of them actually want full custody of their children meaning they wouldn't have to pay as much. They know they have the easier deal.

So people think he should keep £4000 a month and only give approx £700 for the upkeep of his child!

£1,700 for nursery is ridiculous 🤣 That's not necessary. Look for a cheaper nursery. Nurseries round here are about 700 at the moment for 5 full days.

Can you link this? I've never seen a nursery that cheap.

Absolutely shocked at the suggestion that you are being unreasonable. The costs should be at least half in this situation. Of course he should pay to allow Op to go to work, he gets the privilege of doing the same. Unbelievable that the bar is set so low for men! Children aren't returnable. Asides from the moral obligation, financially it should be half regardless.

blame te system-its a stupid calulation based on what a nrp earns doesnt take into account anyting you have to fork out for

Where are you?

Its minimum £1200 for FT nursery here and we’re about as north as you can get so no London prices

that you get no maintenance doesn’t mean it should be a race to the bottom

Absolutely shit OP and I’m furious for you.
Ignore the posters grumbling about your salary; your outgoings and lifestyle are likely different to theirs and not everyone’s cloth is the same to cut.

He should be paying minimum 50% of all costs. You are the default parent so all the little extras are already all your responsibility; the ice cream at the park, the new pencil case, the birthday presents for schoolfriends - it all adds up.

The bitterness and hate spewed at someone who dare complain when they aren’t on the bones of their arse is sickening on Mumsnet.

When two people decide to have a child, they would usually expect to bring him or her up together, and if both work full time, then childcare and other costs would be split equally, or at least proportional to earnings. A parent who decides to abdicate their parenting responsibilities should not be put in a better financial situation than if they were looking after their child.

There should be some ruling on behalf of the child that doesn’t leave them financially disadvantaged because one parent doesn’t parent, or feels no moral obligation to their child. I have never been in that situation, but I read about it, usually its mothers who are left with the bulk of responsibility, emotionally and financially, and I think it’s wrong. What a lovely message to give a child!

I wonder what the grandparents feel about their child’s treatment of their DGC. As a grandparent, I’d be really upset if one of my DC behaved like that to any of my DGC.

How do you know if it's necessary or not where OP lives? Why would anyone choose to pay £1700 to nursery if there was a cheaper option?

OP - I assume you are living in the 'marital' home which is quite a help for you.
As others have said you do not have to pay childcare for that many years and the taxpayers are actually helping those with children quite a lot.

Yes god OP is soooo selfish choosing to work full time to support her child, thinking that the child’s father, who is 50% responsible for the creation of said child, should pay a reasonable proportion of his salary towards upkeep and not wanting to just give her child away to someone who doesn’t even want them anyway.

If she did quit her job and live off of benefits I’m sure that would also be a problem for the MN vipers, she literally can’t win and I think it’s obviously because she mentioned the salary amounts and MN hates anyone who isn’t on minimum wage.