To be AMAZED at this cms calculation?

[whatnowws]

Recently split from DS’s dad. He won’t communicate or see ds, so after several weeks I contacted cms. They are getting in touch with him but… the claim is for 730 a month?!? He earns almost 80k? How can this be right?

meanwhile, I’m earning 46k and paying 1,700 in nursery costs and all other costs for ds?

how on earth is that supposed to be fair?! This calculation is also assuming he continues not to see ds. If he wants him a night or more then costs reduce further… basically he can do what he wants and I’m expected to pick up the financial pieces no matter what.

Why don’t you start a thread asking if it’s massively unhelpful to judge people who use childcare to keep a roof over their kids head and provide for them. Whilst I lecture people how I managed with at least 3 parental figures all helping out and they are alone?

Clearly you're reading comprehension is a bit off so I'll say it one more time:

• It's not ideal for the child to be in full time wraparound care and most parents find another option.
• If she has not other option then there's no other options, no more to be said on that and no judgement can be made even if I wanted to.
• Regardless of if there are options or not, the biggest judgement is reserved for the parent who is not doing his share.
• Extra money will not solve that problem.
• It's not typical to have a £400 wraparound bill so you cannot really count that as a normal cost of having a child.

@MrsSunshine2b My reading comprehension is just fine thank you. Your posts are judgey as shit citing completely different set of circumstances.

Actually more money would help. It’s the very point of the post. Perhaps you need to brush up on your reading comprehension.

And you seriously need a reality check if you think childcare is cheap. And people don’t use/need childcare 5 days a week.

Absolutely.

@MrsSunshine2b
It's not ideal for the child to be in full time wraparound care and most parents find another option.

Where are you getting this "most parents" from? Most of the (working) families I know use full time wrap around care.

I can say through teaching for many years that the vast majority of children do not attend breakfast and afterschool club 5 nights a week. It's a very, very small minority.

Have you considered that it's due to the demographic of your school/area, and not typical of the majority of the country today?

All those jumping on the op either have a chip on their shoulder or are just nasty people.

The amounts are irrelevant. Op and her ex dh should be paying half each.

Seriously. So many bitter people about

OTOH all the schools here have over subscribed morning and after school clubs. Childminders have waiting lists as long as their arms. Holiday clubs book up pretty much instantly.

What, across 3 different counties and maybe 30 different schools? No, I haven't considered that all of those are atypical.

Same here. And in my hometown (several counties away). One of my friends (different city again) is panicking because of the lack of spaces now her eldest is there, and she physically can't afford to not work or retrain.

Times have changed. And different areas work differently.

Over the course of the child’s 16 years, it is likely that it will average out at half.

Nursery is temporarily expensive, but once she does not have that cost 1500/month is a very generous budget for a child.

of course if you wanted to set it at half you could, when she’d get a huge amount till the child is in school then it would drop massively. So do you choose short term gain for long term pain, or vice versa?

similar to women who give up work because of nursery costs. Yes in the short term, 5 years until the child will go to school they may save. But over 18 years the loss of income will be massively more than the nursery costs, especially if you include pensions, promotions etc.

But the two counties I've lived in and the several my friends do are atypical because they differ to your experience?

@toomanytonotice true. But if men where decent they would give half now. Then work with the mum when finances change to make sure it's always fair....

Can I suggest working out whether you’d be better reducing your hours to 30 and seeing whether you’re entitled to UC on that wage. Then it is one less day to worry about and your take home after childcare may well be more. Play with the entitled to calculator.
Your ex is smelly shit bag btw.

Which is great in theory.

but if you’re used to getting £1300 a month in maintenance, (850 for nursery, £500 in other costs) then child finishes nursery and dad says ok, now you only get £500.

now it’s still unfair because he’s cut her money by 2/3rd…

see it here all the time, nrp loses their job and needs to cut payments temporarily. I saw on on thread someone suggest he sold his house to cover the temporary reduction in payments!

to be honest nothing is ever perceived as fair. Nrp should be seeing their children 50% of the time, but the should also be living in a house share so the can contribute towards little jimmy’s violin lessons.

back to that one household does not split into two financially. Presumably o/p’s ex now has significant housing costs because the house is o/p’s so he will have no equity or deposit…

🤣🤣🤣🤣

@toomanytonotice fair play

Yep. Only the one experience can be right apparently.

It is horribly unfair OP, and I'm sorry that you are in this position.

I think many of us feel battle worn and resigned to the unfairness of it all.

My son is now 17. His dad left due to a gambling addiction15 years ago and has never paid me more than £9 per week.

I struggled desperately financially for years and wasn't able to focus on my career as our particular circumstances meant DS needed me so I had to change jobs.

I got married 10 years ago to what I thought was a decent, kind man. He walked out out of the blue last year and hasn't looked back. He's refused mediation and thrown his considerable wealth at solicitors whilst removing financial support such that I am in an almighty mess. The court and divorce system is vile , no legal aid anymore and no allowance for a huge disparity in means.

I am in my 50s, working hard but unable to secure a job that earns a decent wage because I don't have the skills or experience because I've had to take unskilled jobs in order to support DS. I'm stuck.

It's brutal, and feels very unfair.

I have learned that much as I'd like to initiate change to the system, I just can't. So I have to accept the awful system for what it is. So I change me, and I try to feel glad that I'm no longer with a man who was not who he pretended to be, glad that I have a wonderful son who drives me up the wall and who I couldn't be prouder of, glad that I can be content with very little and can appreciate the small simple things, glad for my friends who have stuck around through thick and thin . Don't get me wrong I rant and rage sometimes too- but I've accepted the unfairness of it all and I refuse to let it ruin me. Hug your DC tight and be glad that that man who does not deserve you is out of your life.

@Onedaystronger thank you for your lovely post. You sound amazing. I will take inspiration from what you have said. It is hard not to focus on how unfair it is but I know that I need to try and continue to build a good life for my boy. I’m sorry for what you have been through and I hope better times are ahead x

Actually @whatnowws the costs relative to each of our DC are about £300 (max) per month… wrap around for 2 hours each day is £240….

Based on your figure of £400 a month, you can expect total costs to be circa £700, once the 30 hrs kicks in right into school. And your ex is paying £730. So it’s looking like he is covering everything - activities/childcare/clothing/school costs/extracurricular/birthday/Christmas/ etc etc and you will cover food/utilities… you couldn’t say you have to buy a bigger house to accommodate DC because most places have at least 2bed anyway.

The issue right now is you have a very young child you wish to put into full time child care before the free 30hrs allocation. And you are completely unwilling to make any compromise relative to your working arrangements, despite now being in the position of having full custody.

I’m not saying it’s fair. It isn’t. But you are in the position a lot of mothers (in or out of relationships) are when they have children. They have to make compromises.

Some go to 4 days a week, some 2 1/2 days a week, or they move closer to family.

In your situation, hopefully the 30hrs is not too far away and this will help. If you are still struggling you do need to do something about your savings to allow you to claim to the UC that you are entitled to.

Thank you @whatnowws that's really kind of you. I hope things improve for you and that you and your son thrive together.

He has already indicated he is worried his employer could even find out that there is a cms claim against him. wow I bet you brought out a whole string quartet of tiny violins for this one. ‘The only reason there is a cms claim is because you aren’t paying for your child. If you still aren’t paying anything for your child why should I give a shiny shit if you lose your promotion prospects or your job? Please go cry at someone who gives a shit and transfer the money while you’re at it.’