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AIBU?

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Original poster

Knickers and child maintenance

102 replies

Icantremembermyusername · 09/06/2024 22:34

My daughter’s father and I split up 10 years ago. I send him a reminder at Christmas, Easter and at the start of the Summer holidays to check her underwear drawer ( I used to do it more often when she was smaller) so that she has the same size in both houses. She came home tonight in too small knickers and told me daddy won’t buy her knickers, that’s why he pays mummy money. She asked him to buy her knickers from Tesco and he refused. Am I unreasonable to think he should buy her knickers? I realise people might have big feelings but I’ve used knickers all through because they are the least offensive term for me.

Reasonable - he shouldn’t have to buy knickers
Unreadonable - he pays you maintenance

OP posts:
Whatatodo79 · 09/06/2024 22:36

Perhaps it's difficult for a man on his own to buy children's knickers in terms of what people my think

Nottherealslimshady · 09/06/2024 22:38

He should be supplying clothes at his house for her to wear during his contact time.

strawberryegg · 09/06/2024 22:38

His own daughter asks for some knickers and he refuses to buy them for her? Fucking hell.

What are they, £10 for 5 or so and she'd have enough for a week. Why on earth did he refuse such a ridiculous thing?

MamaGarl85 · 09/06/2024 22:38

Whatatodo79 · 09/06/2024 22:36

Perhaps it's difficult for a man on his own to buy children's knickers in terms of what people my think

Jeez are you for real?!

Penguinmouse · 09/06/2024 22:38

You’re not being unreasonable, sorry your daughter has such a crap dad.

kanet · 09/06/2024 22:39

What the fuck

I guess she can take them from your house and bring back the dirty ones for you to wash. Then they never live at his house.

Videopainic · 09/06/2024 22:39

@Whatatodo79

Sorry I accidentally @ one of you and it won't delete.

My dh buys dd pants and underwear as and when necessary. I do usually get them but you can also buy on line.
They are very cheap and he's using a cheap shot against you op with your dd suffering on the middle. Dreadful childish behaviour

@Icantremembermyusername

TeaKitten · 09/06/2024 22:40

YANBU but I’d buy them anyway now that he’s made an issue of it to make sure she feels comfortable.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowItHaveAGin · 09/06/2024 22:40

My ex is like this.

I send my dds in clean, appropriate, well fitting clothes, and he sends them back in too small, holy, inappropriate clothes (and keeps the stuff I send them in)

It pisses me off no end. In reality there's not a lot you can do though, either buy them or your dd will have to wear too small stuff.

Him saying that he pays you is such a manipulative thing to say as well. However he should realise that kids grow up, and his mind games may work while she is young, but she will look back as a grown up one day and realise who he really is.

No advice for you unfortunatly, just solidarity.

splatmouse · 09/06/2024 22:41

Whatatodo79 · 09/06/2024 22:36

Perhaps it's difficult for a man on his own to buy children's knickers in terms of what people my think

What they might think? That he has a young daughter?

LadyGAgain · 09/06/2024 22:42

Whatatodo79 · 09/06/2024 22:36

Perhaps it's difficult for a man on his own to buy children's knickers in terms of what people my think

Are you a man? On your own with a young daughter?

What a load of nonsense!!!

Rosesanddaffs · 09/06/2024 22:42

He sounds like a useless waste of space, your poor daughter, how mean of him and humiliating for your daughter

IgnoranceNotOk · 09/06/2024 22:45

‘ I realise people might have big feelings but I’ve used knickers all through because they are the least offensive term for me.’

what’s the problem with the term knickers?

rainbowsparkle28 · 09/06/2024 22:45

Whatatodo79 · 09/06/2024 22:36

Perhaps it's difficult for a man on his own to buy children's knickers in terms of what people my think

Maybe - radical idea here - they might get the wrong idea that it is just a parent making sure their child has the correct size underwear 🤨🙄 Jeez how does every other parent out there that might be single, simply the only one popping into the shop that day, has unfortunately experienced the bereavement of their partner, same sex families, other carers of children that aren't their parent etc manage...

Noseybookworm · 10/06/2024 01:02

What a dickhead 🙄 I'd just buy a couple of packs of knickers and send them with her next time. He's not worth getting worked up about and you don't want your daughter to be put in the middle of it. Just keep thinking in 8 years you'll never have to have any contact with the tosser again!

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 10/06/2024 01:17

while your daughter is at his all the items she needs should be provided by him and that might even be a second bike, second swim set, and second set of shoes!
should he be too embarrassed (highly unlikely in this day and age) online links can be helpful.
btw you may wish to prepare his household for the eventuality of her starting menses and the absolute requirement for him to provide sanitary wear!!

adviceneeded1990 · 10/06/2024 01:26

Nottherealslimshady · 09/06/2024 22:38

He should be supplying clothes at his house for her to wear during his contact time.

This. That’s it.

urbanbuddha · 10/06/2024 01:36

Yes, he absolutely should be supplying clothes at his house. Does he want his daughter to feel like a visitor?

Ginkypig · 10/06/2024 01:43

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 10/06/2024 01:17

while your daughter is at his all the items she needs should be provided by him and that might even be a second bike, second swim set, and second set of shoes!
should he be too embarrassed (highly unlikely in this day and age) online links can be helpful.
btw you may wish to prepare his household for the eventuality of her starting menses and the absolute requirement for him to provide sanitary wear!!

I was just going to say similar

i started very young at 9 and had my first period while at my dads.

luckily for me I could call mum who had a quick word and I had a father who immediately drove me to the nearest shop (although he didn’t come in with me so a nice lady helped) then made sure without embarrassing me that I was ok checking I knew what I needed to, until I went home on the Sunday night.

yes I used to take clothes with me but I also always had clean well fitting clothing at his house which I didn’t take and my mother didn’t send so I can only assume he would have bought and put in the drawers.

your ex is an arsehole! A real dad parents as if he was the only parent, he doesn’t rely on someone else to provide he just gets on and does his bit in his time. He definitely doesn’t weaponise monetary provisions that should be just a natural part of raising children

Marrta · 10/06/2024 02:11

If he is embarrassed to buy his daughter knickers and "that's what the money for mummy's for" he is a silly little t*t what would he do if you weren't here just not give her any knickers

Goldbar · 10/06/2024 04:19

I would send a couple of packs with a note taped to them in an envelope - "Dear X, since it is apparently beyond your parenting ability to put our child first to the extent of buying her an item now similar in price to a takeaway coffee, I have provided some knickers in the correct size. I hope you enjoy your little "win", no doubt DD will remember how much your cared about her in the years to come".

Goldbar · 10/06/2024 04:20

In fact, you know what, rather than 2 packs, I'd be tempted to send 10 packs just to make a point. I probably wouldn't though, because it would be wasteful. But very tempting 😂.

lunar1 · 10/06/2024 04:32

Yes he should, but don't make this issue the hill you die on for your daughter’s sake.

Heirian · 10/06/2024 04:47

Whatatodo79 · 09/06/2024 22:36

Perhaps it's difficult for a man on his own to buy children's knickers in terms of what people my think

......

Codlingmoths · 10/06/2024 04:54

Honestly I’d just say maintenance is not intenddd to cover for you providing your child with clean underpants that fit. That’s basic hygiene, and I won’t be sending her until you have agreed to it. It’s just like feeding her when she’s at yours- I don’t neglect my child and i and the law expect you not to either. Feel free to go to a lawyer and say I refuse to buy my child £5 of underpants and you need to order my ex to supply everything she needs so I can pretend I’m a parent too.