Knickers and child maintenance

[Icantremembermyusername]

My daughter’s father and I split up 10 years ago. I send him a reminder at Christmas, Easter and at the start of the Summer holidays to check her underwear drawer ( I used to do it more often when she was smaller) so that she has the same size in both houses. She came home tonight in too small knickers and told me daddy won’t buy her knickers, that’s why he pays mummy money. She asked him to buy her knickers from Tesco and he refused. Am I unreasonable to think he should buy her knickers? I realise people might have big feelings but I’ve used knickers all through because they are the least offensive term for me.

Reasonable - he shouldn’t have to buy knickers
Unreadonable - he pays you maintenance

She needs to pack and return her clothing not leave it she is old enough now and if he kicks off you pay for it so it lives at your house

If only there was a way to buy them and have someone bring them to your home!

But seriously he needs to grow up

It genuinely isn’t that hard, and if it was heaven forbid he does a 2min online shop.

Maintenance is to pay for the costs of the child when she's with you. Does he expect you to send her with packed lunches so he doesn't have to pay for her food? Does he expect you to pay for the electricity she uses ? He's being a twat.

So either he pays for clothes for her to use at his or she packs a bag and he has to return every single item she took with her.

I don’t know why other parents do this. My son always comes home from his dad’s house in clothes sizes far too small. Same with shoes, our child is a size 7 and he keeps coming home complaining because his dad squeezed his feet into a size 5. He pays minimum maintenance (£160 a month) and only sees him every other weekend but apparently cannot afford new clothes and shoes for him.

Mine pack a little suitcase and take everything with them for the weekend. He never washes anything or buys anything, at least I do get the stuff back but still 😔
would be nice if they felt it was another home rather than going to visit somewhere.

Tosh.

I think then That you provide her clothes but she is under strict instructions that she must put them back in her bag to bring back home with her. (I’d provide a bin bag for dirty stuff)
but 100% it’s not for you to provide a double wardrobe because he pays CM-that CM is for her living expenses whilst she is at yours-he still has to cover his own home-and he’s a prick to make his daughter suffer. Bet you’re glad you freed up his future…!

Outrageous. YANBU. What else does he refuse because "that's why he pays mummy money"? If this attitude manifests in other areas it would be borderline neglect. "Sorry darling, you can't have any food because that's why daddy pays mummy money?" - this thinking is so flawed it is embarrassing for him! He should be paying for things for her when it is his contact time. This is wrong on so many levels—sorry OP.

You shouldn’t have to provide knickers for goodness sake. A multipack on kids underwear in Tesco is about £7!

id send a pack with a note saying “I’d been saving up for these, thank goodness your maintenance arrived so that I could finally afford them”. I wouldn’t send that of course but it’s ridiculous.

presumably he’d spend £7 on a toy, or a meal out, or something else non-essential. Something more fun that would put him in fun dad territory.

🙄

Grin and bear it... the more he does this, the more you 'win' your daughter. There will come a time when the daughter decides for you who she actually wants to be with.

Please listen to this poster (and others who have said similar). The rights and wrongs are largely irrelevant .

Your DD is at least 10.
Your ex has a specific issue with underwear. It's odd.
This is not going to get easier as she gets older.
Will he refuse to buy her other personal items - deodorant, sanitary stuff?

Well, that's convenient in terms of getting out of responsibility. Bizarre post.

Oh and don't start sending snarky notes, that achieves nothing.
Rise above it and support your DD.

I do think sending a note every few months specially to check underwear drawer is odd.

Im gping to say yabu for texting him to check her drawer. Heis a full grown adult and a parent. You have made an assumption about his parenting that he is inadequate. Hes no longer your partner. You dont get to "tell" him anything.

Youve goir his back up and hes dug his heels in.

Your daughter should be telling him she needs new clothes as these feel tight not you

Roll your eyes, thank God you're still not with him, buy the knickers and move on. He's a twat!

He is being a prick. Paying maintenance doesn't get him out of paying fir anything else!

How come all these "fathers" who "don't understand what maintenance is for" understand 100% that they have to pay no CMS when they have their child(ren) 50% of the time?

The only possible reason for zero CMS when it's 50/50 is that each parent is providing what's needed when their child is with them, so why don't they understand when they are parenting a fifth of the time (or whatever) they need to provide a fifth of the weekly clothing/food/transport etc.

It can only be because they're thick as pig shit, absolutely crap parents, or both.

I'm so sorry for your DD OP. I think we need fricking billboards up in this country explaining in very simple terms what CMS covers, there are just sooooooo many dads who can hold down a job, but not understand this simple concept 🙄

Stop reminding him, he is never going to do what you want. Just assume he is a twat and act accordingly.

My ex was a bit like this, it's utterly pathetic and penny pinching. A multi pack of knickers can only cost a few quid so there's no reason for him being so petty, plus he shouldn't be discussing maintenance with his daughter. He sounds like a bit of a dick.

It's not really an assumption that he's inadequate, it's an observation OP has made.

Her DD did say they were too small and he refused to buy her any and made her wear small, uncomfortable ones plus told her that's why he pays OP.

He's a massive bellend. Does your daughter actually want to still see him OP?

This might be one of the best things I've ever read on here!!!

A parent buying girls knickers must now be a mother's job because it's difficult for a man?!

If he's too traumatised or concerned about being thought of as a paedophile, he could always buy them online!