Knickers and child maintenance

[Icantremembermyusername]

My daughter’s father and I split up 10 years ago. I send him a reminder at Christmas, Easter and at the start of the Summer holidays to check her underwear drawer ( I used to do it more often when she was smaller) so that she has the same size in both houses. She came home tonight in too small knickers and told me daddy won’t buy her knickers, that’s why he pays mummy money. She asked him to buy her knickers from Tesco and he refused. Am I unreasonable to think he should buy her knickers? I realise people might have big feelings but I’ve used knickers all through because they are the least offensive term for me.

Reasonable - he shouldn’t have to buy knickers
Unreadonable - he pays you maintenance

Jesus I think our girls have the same deadbeat dad!

Take heart in the fact that as your daughter gets older it will become clear to her what a dick her father was as she will remember stuff like this and how it was as usual you who saved the day and did the right thing. He is unlikely to change.

My ex did this.
Now I wash the outfit they return in and keep it to one side to send them back in the following time.
Now clothes from ex house just go round & round.
I would send undies if too small though ..and I also pack sanitary items so DD does not have to worry about asking ex or him not buying things.
I do this for DD, not for ex!

I'd also give my daughter an emergency £10 note that's always in her bag so she knows she has it if needed as well as period products.

Why didn’t u just send knickers if there was a chance that the ones at his wouldn’t fit, sounds like both of u r in the wrong.

For your daughter's sake, surely it's better to just send her with a couple of packs of cheap knickers from Tesco next time she visits her dad? My husband had his childhood ruined by two parents who hated each other and who prioritised scoring points off each other with petty things like this rather than loving him.

He's a cunt but I wouldn't let my DD suffer.

Good lord 🙄

Lets just say you’re right, it’s difficult for a man because of what people think. Ok, so what matters more as a parent, providing your child with their basic needs, or caring more about what thoughts some randoms strangers you’re never going to see again?

Men so fragile they can’t buy their daughters underwear or sanpro, shouldn’t have had kids.

If you and your ex split 10 years ago, I assume your dd is at least 10. I think at that age, she's old enough to make the decision herself about if she's comfortable being at her dad's if he's not going to be providing for her. I'd have an honest conversation with her about expectations for when she is at his. He should be providing for her (this isn't what maintenance is for) and if he isn't, then she's old enough to make a decision about if that's acceptable to her. If she doesn't have clothes at his, she can choose not to go.

I had a dad like this. My mum was very honest with me (in an age appropriate way) about how shit he was. It was actually really beneficial to know how shit he was and to see other people around me be open about it, not try to cover for him or normalise his behaviour. It meant I grew up with healthy expectations for how decent people behave.

I don't agree and hate this I brought these items so not going to dads etc. they are the child's after all

If they are going every other weekend is it any hardship to provide some knickers etc it is just petty.

Surely maintenance is for clothes etc as well.

It might well be difficult for the poor fella 🙄but does that excuse all fathers from buying underwear for their daughters?

OMG, God help him when she starts her periods

He should be providing everything she needs for when she is at his house overnight, that's why maintenance is reduced for each overnight at the nrp. In some cases it is not sensible to have two therefore separated parents should be able to negotiate who buys what (I'm thinking winter coats, uniforms). It your kids first! As for cheap things like underwear, ridiculous! They are a pound a pair

He sounds really petty and of course he should make sure she has clothes in the correct size at his house, it's bare minimum parenting really. If daughter is 10years or older, I would give her some money to take with her in case he refuses to buy the basics for her again. Explain it's for emergencies and not to advertise the fact she has it to her Dad otherwise he might try to make her buy her own food or something equally stupid.

I assume this is just the most recent in a long line of shitty behaviour from him? Of course he's being ridiculous. You know it, we know it, even your DD knows it. But I am sure he has form for this so you're probalby used to having to just suck it up?

Maybe, just maybe, he could take his own daughter with him so she can choose which ones she would like to wear? He just needs to make sure they are the right size, appropriate style (not thongs etc), and pay 🙄

OP - I think I would just buy her underwear from now on, it won't be long before she will be wanting (pretty) bras too. Hopefully your daughter will remember how her father treated her at this time and use her feet to vote on NC soon enough.

My ex didn't pay maintenance and also didn't buy clothes that fit.
I used to end up sending my child back in the too-small clothes they'd come in, otherwise all of the clothes that I bought that actually fitted ended up at my ex's, despite frequent requests.
I don't know why they're such arses sometimes but they are.
He stopped seeing our child completely a couple of years later, after my child decided they wanted to live with me full time.
A decade on there's been no contact and, even if he crawls out from under a rock sometime, I don't think my (now adult) child will have anything to do with him, as is their right.......

OP it's shit and shameful he treats his DC like this. Just keep calm buy her the extra knickers and think once she's 16 and she gets to choose who she spends Xmas with she'll choose you. That's what my kids did after their mean Dad kept them short of clothes and stuff. He'll lose her and it will be his own fault. She'll remember he didn't think she was worth £7.

My ex does this too unfortunately... He earns £150k a year so assume it's not a financial reason!
I only found it because at first my daughter would come back wearing the same underwear (not washed btw!). So her and I had a hygiene chat and I explained she needed to ask her dad to buy her pants and socks.
I then realised clothes from her were disappearing and it turns out she was taking things from here to his in her school bag as she was scared to say anything.
So, shit as it is because he shouldn't get away with it, whenever I buy her underwear, two sets of each go to his house as it broke my heart to find out what was happening

I highly doubt the checkout staff would even notice

His own child asked him to buy her knickers and he said no! Dear god. This is a basic necessity.

He's mean minded. I'd send her with plenty of new ones and tell her to chuck out the old too small ones. She will remember this.

Admittedly my parents were together and if my DF was popping to the store he always asked if I needed anything including sanitary protection. Because he was a parent and ensured I had everything I needed.

You messaged him to check 3 tokes a year? Pants have a large size range and last years. He doesn't need to stock the exact same size as you, especially as different shops come up differently size wise anyway. He's maybe got tired of your over investment?!

I have an ex who once sent my DD back in her stepsisters knickers, 3 sizes too small, rather than provide for his DC properly. For those saying just buy some, I'm not sure they have been in this position, as now it is just some cheap pants. In a few years it will be school uniform, a full summer or winter wardrobe, etc.

Ultimately he needs to get it that his maintenance is reduced to allow him the funds to provide for his DC. Saying that, I would buy some on this occasion, as it isn't fair on your daughter but meanwhile try and get the message across that it is his responsibility.

A couple of posters have suggested some suitable ways to word it but I would do it face to face. My ex never knew quite what to say when confronted directly with his own inadequacies.

Did you just not bother to read the thread?
His daughter asked him to buy her knickers and he refused.