Knickers and child maintenance

[Icantremembermyusername]

My daughter’s father and I split up 10 years ago. I send him a reminder at Christmas, Easter and at the start of the Summer holidays to check her underwear drawer ( I used to do it more often when she was smaller) so that she has the same size in both houses. She came home tonight in too small knickers and told me daddy won’t buy her knickers, that’s why he pays mummy money. She asked him to buy her knickers from Tesco and he refused. Am I unreasonable to think he should buy her knickers? I realise people might have big feelings but I’ve used knickers all through because they are the least offensive term for me.

Reasonable - he shouldn’t have to buy knickers
Unreadonable - he pays you maintenance

You both sound more interested in using your child in petty quarrels with each other, than her wellbeing

Yeah. No it’s not, my Dh buys them underpants as they are his children too.

He refused to buy her knickers? Wtf. For the sake of less than a tenner that’s ridiculous. Knickers that are tight are so uncomfortable, he shouldn’t be punishing your daughter because he pays child support. How stingy and cruel.

Yeah he’s being an absolute twat but please just buy her some pants. I was that child in the middle of 2 parents who hated eachother and it was hell.

How is the op doing this?

He's unreasonable my ex is like this - he's ruined his relationship with our daughters by putting money and his resentment at having to pay maintenance right in the centre of their relationship with him.

So sad that so many parents do this.

What a strange thing to say.

Heis being ridiculous. We do 50/50 so no maintenance. Oddly we manage to have clean, fitting pants in both houses.

Your ex is an arsehole.

I'd buy a 5 or 7 pack and give it to her to take next time so shes comfortable because that would be my priority.

I'd also send him a note saying
-Your child is not a messenger
-He needs to ask himself why he'd begrudge paying less than the price of a coffee and sandwich for his childs basic comfort and dignity
-the only thing he is hurting with his pettiness and using his child as a voice note is his relationship with his child.

Misses the point completely but do people normally buy new pants for their kids 3-4 times a year. How quick are peoples kids growing?

I don’t think Iv bought any for over a year for my daughter and they fit her fine still.

Wtf. They'll think oh he has a child?

Obv he should be buying her pants if she needs it!

Don’t be ridiculous. If this really was an issue he could use the self service anyway.

Seriously don't send a note like that it's awful. Just give the girl some pants!

Does seem a bit obsessive doesn't it

As a young child, I was put in the middle of a situation like this. Dad refused to buy anything for us and Mum stood strong with not supplying extras for our visits. I remember feeling quite upset with Mum, even though retrospectively I’m aware Dad was an absolute dick! I think one of the parents just have to be the bigger person for the sake of the childs needs, although you’re NBU at all to be pissed by his behaviour, it’s shocking!

He is probably trying to bother you, I’d just buy a couple packets of knickers and not entertain his BS. He really shouldn’t be passing ‘messages’ through DD either, she should not have to deal with any of that.

Are you and Dad on talking terms?

Thanks for the supportive messages.
To clarify, I have always needed to remind her Dad about underwear and to a certain extent clothes as she would and still does come back in too small clothes because that was all that is available to her. I would do the laundry and throw out and replace the too small pants etc and then 6 weeks later we would have no underwear because she went to his in fitting underwear and wore the too small stuff from his back.

@Icantremembermyusername If this is an issue, then I think you need to be planning what's going to happen when she starts her periods-which may well be soon. PLEASE make sure she and her father are ready.

Incidentally, I can't remember restocking pants every 4 months- is that a thing people do?

He's a twat but don't involve your DD in that. She's old enough to take a bag with clothes from your house and put her used clothes and underwear in it and bring it back home. You shouldn't have to but DD needs come first. Pack sanitary towels too so she's never without.

Poor kid

I'm sorry

It realky isn’t! DH was going to pick some up day for our youngest. If the ex is that bothered he can buy them online or order them from Asda or Sainabury and then no one knows what he is buying. But that is totally unecessary as a single man.

How old is this child? 10? 11? Dont theyknow when their own pants are too small?

Old enough i'd have thought to keep track of a couple of pairs of pants, take a couple with her, wear & bring home again if her 'dadpants' have suddenly all become too small

Tbf i think it ridiculous and sad if he is feeling he can't buy her pants, but if he sorts the other clothes mainly perhaps it's not unreasonable to ask why underwear is an issue specifically isn't it.

If they are too tight and too small she needs new ones clearly