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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I’ve bumped my husbands new car 🚗

605 replies

StaceyAl · 09/06/2024 20:39

I’m in a panic. My husband bought an expensive new car last week. He was having an afternoon nap so I just borrowed it to collect my son from sports training. I’ve reversed into a low wall in a car park (couldn’t see it in my rear view mirror) and have dented the rear bumper.
He’s working from home tomorrow- is there any chance I can get up early and take it to a garage to get fixed and return it without him knowing?
what should I do, I can’t tell him he’ll be furious and I took it without asking

OP posts:
ntmdino · 10/06/2024 13:48

Iloveshihtzus · 10/06/2024 11:57

I’m shocked at the amount of women (I assume they are women?) posting here that the husband’s anger was justified.

The OP has just said she will never be allowed to use his car again - they are married, legally it is their property - that’s what marriage means, like it or not, and she is now not allowed to use it, as if she were a child.

What kind of weird dynamic do you all live in that this is normal????

Seriously?

Imagine you've saved up and spent thousands on a brand new laptop (say) and - within a few days - your husband took it while you were out because it's better than his less-expensive laptop and just wanted to play around with the shiny, then dropped it through his own carelessness while carrying it on a stack of other things and smashed the screen.

You don't think you'd be justified in being pretty angry about it?

I mean, it's by no means a relationship-ender, but it's definitely something to justifiably be pissed off about. Your point about it being legally "their" property is somewhat moot, because that means that - regardless of how it gets paid for - the damage is going to cost "them" nearly a grand to put right, for no good reason.

So now consider that, in the above example, your husband has cost your family nearly a grand through causing damage to something of yours through stupidity for no better reason than he wanted to play with it.

It's still very much something to be pissed off about, also something to make efforts to prevent in future. Something like, "You've got your own laptop and you have no reason to use mine, so please do that in future", perhaps?

For what it's worth, I can't fault the way the OP has handled it - she 'fessed up, admitted that it was her fault, is paying for the damage and won't do it in future. That's pretty much exactly how to deal with it.

Magnastorm · 10/06/2024 13:50

Iaskedyouthrice · 10/06/2024 13:16

I would be furious if my OH took my new fancy car and did this. No way would I just shrug it off and say 'oh well, accidents happen'. It wasn't an accident for a start. The more OP drips information the more sympathetic I am to her DH! You are all busy accusing him of being an abuser but why aren't any of you assuming the OP does stuff like this all of the time and he's fed up?
I can only go on how I would react and yeah, if I had a longed for new car I would be extremely upset. He's only had it for 2 bloody minutes.

Of course you get to be upset and annoyed, but if one partner in a marriage is literally afraid of their partners reaction to what was, ultimately, an accident, that is not a good state of affairs.

It's just stuff. It can be repaired or replaced. A relationship in which one partner is frightened to make mistakes is not a healthy one.

Waspie · 10/06/2024 13:51

I'd be very upset and probably angry, if my husband took my brand new car out without bothering to ask me first and then crashed it. He'd be upset in reverse. I don't think that's unreasonable.

What is unreasonable is being scared to tell him and the worry about "consequences". That is disturbing.

In our household I have a car. He has a car. We chose these for ourselves, to our own requirements. If DP wants to take my car out he asks me first. I do the same with his. That is basic courtesy.

Orangello · 10/06/2024 13:53

through his own carelessness while carrying it on a stack of other things and smashed the screen.

Not comparable, she dented the bumper, car is perfectly usable. It would be like scratching the corner of the new laptop. Of course I would not be happy about it, but DH certainly wouldn't be physically shaking because he fears the severe consequences.

ThreeAmingos · 10/06/2024 13:55

Dayfurrrrit · 10/06/2024 13:44

I think it’s odd that it’s ‘his’ car and not just a car that you have as a family that he tends to drive. We have 2 cars in our family, one is my husbands work car that I mostly drive because it’s better suited for the kids and I mostly drive them places. He drives the older smaller car unless he’s driving the kids.

You do it one way, but it is not odd to have your own possessions in a marriage. Especially if it's something you really want.

I have my own phone, underwear, toothbrush (and my own very special mug). I wouldn't expect any of these to be used without asking.

Ohnobackagain · 10/06/2024 14:04

@StaceyAl you were right to own up and pay but while I wouldn’t blame him for being annoyed initially, if he really means you can’t drive it ever again then that’s ridiculous (unless you regularly took his car without asking and had accidents often, which you’ve said is not the case). He is being overly mean.

KarmenPQZ · 10/06/2024 14:06

grapesstrawberriesplease · 10/06/2024 11:58

Sorry but you sound really childish. “I borrowed it as it’s a fancy car and I wanted to drive it” “I had music on too loud so I didn’t hear the reversing sensors”. You shouldn’t be physically shaking and scared of telling your husband but he has every right to be annoyed and upset. You took his new car without asking - there will be consequences for that in that he will likely be annoyed at you. But you shouldn’t be scared of him or worried what he will do etc.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all and you sound really immature.

The whole thread sounds like it’s written by AI to me. Dropping triggering phrases in every post. The clue is in OPs username right?

Gruffallowhydidntyouknow · 10/06/2024 14:12

Mellowautumnmists · 09/06/2024 20:58

I think you've got more than a dented bumper to worry about if he'd be "furious". Really?

I'm not an abusive partner but I would be pretty cross if my husband took my car without asking and dented it.

IamnotSethRogan · 10/06/2024 14:12

Not the most honest response but I would maybe ask to borrow the car and say it happened then. At least you remove the taking it without asking bit of him being cross.

ManchesterLu · 10/06/2024 14:14

Mum2jenny · 09/06/2024 20:54

If your Dh choses to kick off, you’d be better without him. Accidents do happen all the time.

Sorry but no. I'd kick off if I'd bought an expensive car, and DH took it WITHOUT ASKING when it wasn't his, and then damaged it and didn't own up. I'd be furious.

She needs to tell the truth, apologise, and not take his car again without asking.

WombatChocolate · 10/06/2024 14:25

Well done OP for telling him and owning it. To be honest, if you lied,nit would probably be discovered and then rightly he would be very cross - at the lying more than anything.

If I’d done this, I wouldn’t be looking forward to the conversation with my husband - but I wouldn’t be in fear. For anyone who decided they really couldn’t confess, I’d be concerned about their relationship and if there was potential abuse going on, if the fear level was such that they would go to extreme lengths to avoid telling their DH.

Of course no-one wants to have the conversation. I can imagine the sinking feeling as it happened - the accident to the new car in itself, but also the fact you’d taken it without asking (assuming you’d need to ask - maybe yes as it’s brand new). But we’ve all had those moments when we’ve done something bad and had to tell our partner or spouse haven’t we. We grit our teeth and do it…and expect they might be cross, but it will be short-lived and everyone will just move on. Being in absolute fear so you can’t own the mistake is worrying. I thought from the start of the thread that’s where OP was, but am so glad she felt able to tell him.

For me, living with a lie woukd eat away at me more than the accident itself.

HeyNowDontDreamItsOver · 10/06/2024 14:26

The first day I got my licence I took our car out by myself and reversed back into a water meter in a car park. It was a very big dent.
I went home and told my husband. Now he was annoyed as it was my first day with my licence but he put hot water over it and popped the big dent back out. No harm done he just wanted to know I was okay!
At the end of the day it's only materials, yes it's annoying but would be be having a go at you if it was someone else's fault?

katerinaSofia · 10/06/2024 14:27

BileBeansSara · 10/06/2024 10:33

This level of fear of your husband is not healthy OP.

This! OP sounds verging on submissive 😕

mrsdineen2 · 10/06/2024 14:28

If my husband treated me the way OP has treated her DH, I have to confess I wouldn't have the same saint like response that many of you are professing here.

I wonder if OP's DH has learned his lesson yet about not being allowed to have nice things.

Using weaponised incompetence to destroy your partner's things is a nasty abusive trait.

HollyKnight · 10/06/2024 14:29

She can't be that frightened of her husband if she was willing to take his brand new expensive car without asking just because she fancied driving it.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/06/2024 14:33

OP makes a massive deal of 'quaking in fear' of her DH. Yet she felt perfectly at leisure to take his brand new expensive car without asking. Is that the action of a person who fears her husband's wrath? I don't think so.

WallaceinAnderland · 10/06/2024 14:34

Snap @HollyKnight

BlokeHereInPeace · 10/06/2024 14:34

Kind of glad you hit a wall and not something more alive.

Josette77 · 10/06/2024 14:42

Men are always the bad guy on here.

Just because OP was shaking doesn't make it her dhs fault. I'd shake as well because I'd feel horribly guilty if I wrecked someone's belonging I took without permission.

His response of her paying for it, and not driving his car is reasonable.

Do none of you own your own cars, or computers, or even phones? I'd be mad if my partner wrecked any of those.

And considering how often people talk on here about the importance of financial independence I see nothing wrong with separate accounts.

It's his car. Why wouldn't he be mad she took it and got in an accident through her own negligence.

Josette77 · 10/06/2024 14:43

HollyKnight · 10/06/2024 14:29

She can't be that frightened of her husband if she was willing to take his brand new expensive car without asking just because she fancied driving it.

THIS THIS THIS

AND AGAIN THIS

SoupDragon · 10/06/2024 14:43

You shouldn’t have to learn a lesson

I would say that learning to drive more carefully and not having the music up so loud you can't hear the parking sensors are pretty good lessons to learn.

Josette77 · 10/06/2024 14:46

SoupDragon · 10/06/2024 14:43

You shouldn’t have to learn a lesson

I would say that learning to drive more carefully and not having the music up so loud you can't hear the parking sensors are pretty good lessons to learn.

If she'd hit a child it would still probably be his fault.

He stressed her out too much to drive safely or some shit like that...

Allfur · 10/06/2024 14:46

ntmdino · 10/06/2024 13:48

Seriously?

Imagine you've saved up and spent thousands on a brand new laptop (say) and - within a few days - your husband took it while you were out because it's better than his less-expensive laptop and just wanted to play around with the shiny, then dropped it through his own carelessness while carrying it on a stack of other things and smashed the screen.

You don't think you'd be justified in being pretty angry about it?

I mean, it's by no means a relationship-ender, but it's definitely something to justifiably be pissed off about. Your point about it being legally "their" property is somewhat moot, because that means that - regardless of how it gets paid for - the damage is going to cost "them" nearly a grand to put right, for no good reason.

So now consider that, in the above example, your husband has cost your family nearly a grand through causing damage to something of yours through stupidity for no better reason than he wanted to play with it.

It's still very much something to be pissed off about, also something to make efforts to prevent in future. Something like, "You've got your own laptop and you have no reason to use mine, so please do that in future", perhaps?

For what it's worth, I can't fault the way the OP has handled it - she 'fessed up, admitted that it was her fault, is paying for the damage and won't do it in future. That's pretty much exactly how to deal with it.

A smashed computer screen is hardly comparable as it makes it hard to use the thing itself unlike a small scratch on a car, and I would also think it was just an accident lifes too short etc

FuckTheClubUp · 10/06/2024 14:46

SloaneStreetVandal · 10/06/2024 11:25

Yeah, your husband sounds a prick tbf. You should ideally have the stereo low/off for parking, but his reaction is pathetic. Tell him to ram his car up his jacksy, and let him pay for the damage.

He’s the prick for being pissed off that his wife took his new, fancy car without asking and then damaged it on top? I know MN hates men but come ON. How the hell is he the prick in all of this? I can’t believe some of the comments have me defending this guy.

OP, I think it’s only fair that you pay for the damage out of your own money. If it was the other way round, I’d be saying the exact same thing! Enjoy your own car and all the best x

FuckTheClubUp · 10/06/2024 14:46

WallaceinAnderland · 10/06/2024 11:47

I think it's fair that you pay for the damage and also it's fine not to drive his car when you have one of your own. Especially because you took it without asking. Technically that would be TWOC.

Alls well that ends well.

!!