I’ve bumped my husbands new car 🚗

[StaceyAl]

I’m in a panic. My husband bought an expensive new car last week. He was having an afternoon nap so I just borrowed it to collect my son from sports training. I’ve reversed into a low wall in a car park (couldn’t see it in my rear view mirror) and have dented the rear bumper.
He’s working from home tomorrow- is there any chance I can get up early and take it to a garage to get fixed and return it without him knowing?
what should I do, I can’t tell him he’ll be furious and I took it without asking

It is reasonable for him to be annoyed, or even angry about this, but it is certainly not reasonable to ban you from driving it or making you pay, money should be joint, surely.
This was a very simple accident- you would apologise profusely and he would be temporarily annoyed and then let it go. That's the normal response. I think you are in an abusive relationship, you shouldn't have been frightened of his reaction to an innocent mistake.
It's just a bloody car.

Because she acted like a child? She took it without mentioning it and said she was blasting music whilst reversing, so loud she couldn’t hear the sensors. She also considered lying about it and hiding it.

Just because it’s a joint possession due to marriage doesn’t mean she has every right to damage something someone takes pride in. I’d be peeved if my husband took my car without saying so and then damaged it because he was being irresponsible in it. Accidents happen yeah but the marriage dynamic seems really odd. She shouldn’t be physically shaking and scared to tell him, she also shouldn’t have done it. Both can be true at the same time.

I’m not allowed to drive it again which is I think a fair decision.

I do too.

Plenty of married people have separate finances.

And OP has not explained how he reacted or what he said. She took his brand new possession, without permission, knowing that he would not want her to, damaged it and is now crying to mumsnet that he's a big ole baddy without giving any actual information about him.

She can't be trusted with it so so she can't drive it again. And it's his car, it's in his name.

She can tell him not to drive her car.

Yes, this. Husband got a brand new car 2 years ago. The first time either of us had ever bought a new car. The first week, each time husband got home from work he went to look at the car to check on it. It was just an automatic thing, checking on his new prized toy. He’d have absolutely noticed any damage, and been absolutely furious with me!

Also it’s a super irresponsible thing to say you don’t want to claim on your insurance because your premiums will go up. This whole situation reeks of “I did something stupid but now I want to avoid any confrontation about it and I certainly don’t want to pay for it”. So you’d rather your husband/joint finances be £800 out of pocket because you don’t want to lose your NCD?

Hmmm. Lots of you agreeing with the husbands reaction must be married to complete pigs if you think that's the norm.
In an equal relationship, where an accident has happened and the op is remorseful ( as she is) there should not be 'consequences'. She is his partner, not a child to be disciplined.

My dh was motor trade, if I’d taken his new staff car without permission and pranged it would have been a problem.

As it was I never drove any of them unless he was there until the newness had worn off then it didn’t matter so much.

Relative whose dh has sports cars refuses flat out to drive them.

I was physically shaking from fear and the reality of what I’d done.

If your husband makes you physically shake from fear then you've got much bigger problems.

My DH scraped my car in a carpark. Obviously I was annoyed because I like my car and it's expensive. We quickly moved on though.

I don't think I'd of been so forgiving if he'd taken it without me knowing and then had the music so loud it affected his driving.

My husband does have a sports car and encourages me to drive it. When I accidentally curbed an alloy he was annoyed about the damage but not annoyed at me. It was an accident. He then curbed it himself much worse the following week. These things happen. Life's too short to be in fear of your partner .

Agreed.
We got our first ever new car about 15 months ago. It's a little run about.
I still admire it at least a couple of times a week and would notice a bump immediately.

If it was me the issue I'd have would be dh taking it without asking first. I mean if me/dh is going out to something unexpected we'd say"taking the big car, do you need it?"

The OP has just said she will never be allowed to use his car again - they are married, legally it is their property - that’s what marriage means, like it or not, and she is now not allowed to use it, as if she were a child.

So you think marriage means you can have literally nothing of your own? Phones, computers, clothes? You'd be happy for your husband to help himself to anything of yours without even a word, and not care if it got damaged because 'legally' what's yours is his?

If you were that scared to tell him OP, this is not a healthy relationship.

However you do need to take some responsibility, why are you listening to loud music while parking.

Yes he has the right to be angry. He does not have the right to punish you, scare you or ban you from driving the car if you need to.

I suspect he never would have let you take the car which is why you didn’t ask, that’s not right either.

I think both parties sound a bit odd.

First off, if DH splashed out on a new flashy car, I would 100% ask before taking it out. If he was busy I'd use my car and try it out another time. That is a bit of a dick-ish thing to do.

Secondly, what on earth is your reaction? Physically shaking? Trying to cover it up?

It reminds me of mum after our family car was dinged in the supermarket. She was terrified to tell my dad. I remember her frantically trying to buy T-cut and get the scratch out. She then went back and tried to cover it with paint and then lied about it as she couldn't face telling the truth.

Looking back he was emotionally abusive. If you have kids, they definitely are picking up on this dynamic, and if they're like me they will hate it. Since having my own, healthy, relationships I cannot imagine having such a reaction if I'd messed up. Yes DH maybe annoyed, but he wouldn't "tell me off". I'd apologise and agree how I could resolve it - all's good. We'd laugh about it before long.

I think it speaks volumes about what is going on in your relationship if you have such a reaction. Please look into this going forward? My mum would never say that my dad is abusive and she works in safeguarding (worrying, I know). She would be able to identify another person going through the same thing as a victim of abuse, but we can't always view our own situations as clearly.

This! My husband borrow my car all the time - no big deal - he doesn't "ask"!
Concerned about you OP and any others who think this is normal.
Have been a bit hacked off with my husband recently but having read some of these comments I think I'll wind my neck in as he seems pretty reasonable!

It’s not okay to borrow and damage something without asking, especially if carelessness was involved, but it’s also not okay to be frightened of the consequences. Yes, DH or I would be angry for a while if the other did that, but neither of us would be frightened of the other’s reaction. Some of the PPs on here seem to be overlooking that.

Being "cheesed off" about a mistake doesn't result in people shaking with fear and being terrified to own up.

This. I could say the same about my mother, who had no hesitation in telling me I was in an abusive marriage but would never believe she had helped to train me for it.

I get what you mean but in divorce, a car will usually be considered to be a joint asset if purchased during the marriage. It sounds like she has her own car so maybe didn’t need to take it this time, but I can see the lines being more blurred with a car - especially having kids that need to be ferried about.

DH and I share everything. It would be no biggie if one of us pranged the car. But in OPs relationship she knew before she took it that he wouldn't want her to. And you can see why. He doesn't trust her with his things. OP did a stupid thing and just needs to own it without all the drama.

Um, paying for damage you caused (after taking something without permission and when you didn’t even need to use it) is a perfectly acceptable consequence. She absolutely should pay for it herself, not from
joint money. And she shouldn’t drive it again, because she doesn’t need to. She has a car of her own.

Which consequence do you think is unfair?

Wow. I would be fuming if I was husband. To be reversing without even paying attention to the sensors is pretty lax. I wouldn’t want you driving my car. I’m always so conscious and careful when driving someone else’s car, and my own tbf. Our vehicles aren’t new or expensive either!

Do people still have separate pots for personal and joint spending? I thought that was old school? Maybe I'm old school, we share everything.