Unaware of privilege - end friendship?

[Selman]

I have one friend who is ridiculously well off, at least to me!
His parents owned a company they sold in the mid 2000s, no idea how much for but a good amount!
He has a house worth I'd say around 5 mil in London, 3 other properties he rents out, 2 holiday homes which sit effectively empty all year (all purchased with his parents money) and must take home around 200k a year. He has one child who he sends to a very expensive prep school, has a nanny for and spends thousands on her hobbies.
Tonight we were talking about politics etc. when a friend mentioned that he is extremely privileged. He became very defensive and disagreed as he works like everyone else and his daughter will have to as well (she will be gifted a 3 bedroom flat worth over 1mil and a trust fund).
He made a big deal about his parents not being very smart with the proceeds of the sale of their company in his opinion as "other than rental income" they don't have any real investments. He kept going on about how he HAS to work. When it was pointed out if he sold his house and moved into a perfectly lovely 1mil house he wouldn't have to work he got more defensive.
Now generally I don't care how well off or not someone is, I have friends from every background and as long as they are a decent person I couldn't care less about income.
Now I'm thinking - he is a twat! I don't care about how much he has as long as he knows he's privileged and I genuinely think he views him self as an average joe putting in the graft to get by when the reality is he's ridiculously well off and must own nearly 10mil in property!!
AIBU to end a friendship over this and tell him exactly why?!

Well given it doesn't sound like she's happy with what's happening to her considerable salary, maybe she needs a chat about financial abuse instead of just "yeah, it's hard being skint" platitudes.

Absolutely. He's earning 200k. Even if you think he only got the job through nepotism, presumably he's still working hard to keep it. He COULD sell his houses and live off the money but id respect him more for his work ethic, not living off his parents and his expectation that his child will do the same

You don't sound like a friend, tbh, just jealous and judgmental. He is fortunate, perhaps he doesn't fully appreciate how much, but to end a friendship over it is ridiculous. Why does he have to pass some sort of test with you that involves him proving to you that he understands his privilege? Seriously?

I wanted to say almost exactly this.

You also have no idea of what may be going on his life/relationship/family/health.

Wealthy people are vital to the economy OP. They employ people and give us mere mortals something to aim for.

One day you might need his support so I wouldn't consider ending a friendship for this reason.

Elizabeth Bennet was right to adjust her mind set.

Exactly.

The two of you attacking him sounds desperately unpleasant. I wouldn't think you'll need to break off the friendship, because he will.

You should also remember that you may not prooerly understand all financial circumstances of friends. There may be mortgages on all the properties and his salary plus nanny might be essential, you simply don't know because it is not your business to know.

Fascinating thread, and I see the votes are currently quite close. I'd be in OP court on this one. I get very frustrated by people who constantly complain how hard up they are but I often see them defended on MN. It's funny people are saying the OP should check her privilege but apparently this guy is shoring up society employing people with his wealth etc!

The only thing I would point out is that he didn't seem to be complaining - so maybe he did get defensive and then his opinion because clear. Maybe if that conversation hadn't happened, OP wouldn't have realised that he didn't acknowledge his own privilege?

No-one likes to be "othered", especially by their friends. No wonder he got defensive.

It sounds like you're envious - I would be too! - but you're letting it make you forget your manners (don't publicly count other people's money, ESPECIALLY not to their face!) and why you're friends in the first place.

If it's too difficult to remain friends given the financial disparity, of course you're allowed to end the friendship, but he's done nothing wrong in not wanting to separate himself from your friendship group by performing a smug "Yes, we're TERRIBLY lucky compared to you" routine.

For his wage, I expect he does work hard and have at least a somewhat stressful job, regardless of his assets, and it probably speaks quite well of him that he feels obliged to do that rather than sit on his behind and enjoy the fruits of his parents' labour.

If ‘recognising your privilege’ is a key attribute you look for in a friend then best to go ahead and end it.

If that's the case, I have to wonder if op is quick to recognise their own privilege.

Wealthy people always compare themselves to Bezos and feel hard done by, instead of comparing themselves to someone earning 2 minimum wage jobs to make ends meet. People like him are the reason this country has fallen into the mess its in. They vote to keep more and more of the pie for themselves, because they're not rich, they're really not. FFS.

I had a friend who, nothing like the scale of wealth you're talking about, continually banged on about being mortgage free in his early 40s because he'd worked hard. In the end I pointed out that he hadn't done anything the rest of us couldn't have done with a £60k leg up from Grandma for a massive deposit, as well as selling a house in a tourist area at the height of silly prices just before the crash and buying a small town house up North. He didn't like it. But it was the truth, and sometimes people need to hear it. He was lucky. None of that involved hard work. A bit of good timing perhaps when he sold the first property, but nothing more.

I ended a friendship for very similar reasons recently. There’s a saying that’s something about friends above your station? I think honestly it’s nicer for me to be around people ‘like me’.

This. Remember when parents used to tell their kids that life isn't fair? Now we're teaching them jealousy and resentment of others is just fine.

I think it's really rude to bring up another person's personal finances and then cast judgement on them. He obviously is privileged but you were in the wrong here.

Besides, 1 in 5 baby boomers are millionaires and many of their offspring will have had help getting on the property ladder. Yes, it's absolutely galling for people not in that position, but he's actually not that unusual to have received money from his parents so there's no point acting like he's unique in this way.

Your life holds no comparison to the OP’s friend though! Why even compare!

No, she is just downplaying it in conversation out of superstition :) doesn't want people to feel jealous,etc.

My parents are boomers have given me absolutely nothing once I graduated. This is not a complaint. They were decent and loving, and paid for my education.

I expect some of my friends have had deposits and at least one lives in a house her parents gave her. I don't bring it up..None of my business.

I don't want to make friends only with people in my income bracket.

Yabu - he was put on the defensive by people having a go at him when it was meant to be a friendly occasion- the people attacking others for what they do or don't have are the ones to watch out for.

My family is pretty privileged in several ways, great supportive mum to offer family support, and financially as the years have gone on we are more wealthy than I thought we would be. I do talk to some friends but only a couple, and I would always acknowledge that luck has played a large part in it, but I might also talk about decisions, difficulties, stress relating to it as well, as it takes quite a lot of my time and energy, plus like a lot of people who own businesses, things go wrong, you have to pay out loads unexpectedly and so on.

It is a delicate issue and not one I'd chat about with most people, only a very few inner circle friends, they also share their money worries, inheritances, fortunate happenings, but it's a very small amount of people I'd have this chat with and I'd caveat it heavily.

I’d not be friends with him because he would bore the hell out of me with his rainbow lenses to life’s great struggle.
send him the link to Gary’s economics and block.

The reason I'd be disinterested in him as a friend is his lack of insight. I have very wealthy friends and hard up friends, most are middle-income, and it's never been an issue, but that's because the one thing most of my friends have is an ability to reflect on life, and their position in it.

Actually… a man who I was in touch with as a friend (and maybe dating) told me about his big house, bought for him by his DPs, he rented out rooms in it but had a couple of other properties bought by his DP’s which were rented out and he didn’t have to work but could go to vigils weekly for a well known public figure.

He sent me a text message from his ex GF and mother of his DD who said basically the same as me “you don’t have to work as you’re gifted property so you can hang out at vigils all day”. Not long after that he stopped talking to me but to be honest I couldn’t be bothered with his bleating. His DP’s also have a seaside flat in south of France where he takes his DD every year too. And his DD only sees him at weekends not living with him part time. Could see why he didn’t marry his ex GF (mother of his DD).

I don't resent people being ridiculously wealthy, but I do find it distasteful when they aren't aware of their privilege.

I don't exclude friends from any part of my life, but I do make a point of not bringing up certain topics in front of certain friends. Property is the big one - some of my friends own their own home and others will never be able to afford to buy. It's about reading the room and not trying to create division.

I think in the OP's case, I would reconsider the friendship. Not through jealousy or resentment, but because someone who bangs on about how difficult life is when they are so very rich, in front of people who are so far away from that income-wise, is someone who probably doesn't have a lot of empathy for others.

If you have a good friendship don't end it.

I can see why it would irritate the hell out of you, because he's not being honest with himself or anyone else.

The icing on the cake for me would be him putting his parents down for not investing wisely!! That's were he sounds like an entitled twat.

You could gently try and educate him about the real world he lives in, but he sounds too far gone in the sense of being deluded.