Would you sack nanny over this?

[YourMerryBrickRobin]

AHave name changed as potentially outing.

Nanny has been with us for 6 years, since our joint biological eldest turned 1 (DH has two kids aged 18 and 14, eldest lives with us full time youngest visits in school holidays)

We have never really had any problems although we will admit a boundary has been slightly pushed lately but we let it go- her long term boyfriend was left homeless, so we agree he could TEMPORARILY move on but would be in the caravan outdoors as he wasn’t DBS checked and didn’t want him staying in the house. He seems a nice enough guy and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t harm my children and appreciate a DBS doesn’t stop that, but it was a boundary we put in place.

He started coming into the house around the DC while we weren’t there. Got a bit more annoyed, but chose not to rock the boat as Nanny is a diamond

Anyway today- she left our youngest (9 months) in the care of her boyfriend while she went and collected DS from nursery, which is literally a 5 minute walk away. Reason being- we had DDs car seat in our car. She didn’t attempt to contact either me or DH (we are both self employed and always within 10-15 miles of home) despite noticing this morning when she was going to take her to the park (DH dropped DS off, we have 2 same stage car seats hence why it wasn’t an issue with DS this morning)

Im pissed off if I’m honest. Like I said, nice enough guy but don’t know him well enough to look after my child even if it was for under 10 minutes

AIBU?

The trust would be gone for me.

Years ago I was a part time childminder for neighbours and friends for about 6 months (live out) and though I was a bit naive I’d never have let anything like this happen. T For a nanny who’s qualified to do this isn’t right. You really think you wouldn’t mention this to new employers?

I'm someone who sacked a nanny who was leaving my child, unbeknown to me, with her mother whilst I was at work. There was also an incident with an open flame (gas stove) and nanny being on her phone whilst ds, who was about 2 at the time, played sitting on the worktop directly next to the gas flame. So I may be biased (still traumatised 20 years later!!) but I'd definitely be on alert that you may soon have to sack her and don't let a single thing go by. Honesty I think it's the beginning of the end and I feel for you because finding a nanny is such an upheaval. Mine came through a top nanny agency too, paid £1,600 for the finders fee/references. They count for nothing.

That’s easy to say but good Nannie’s are very hard to come by and expensive fees are charged on top. As the op said, she is a diamond, it would be the adult thing to do, to sit down and have a chat about boundaries and what is and isn’t acceptable. If things are still not right, then yes, she’d have to go. But clearly at the moment nanny doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong as she clearly told op what she’d done. Also, like any other job, you can’t just sack someone with no warnings etc. OP needs to get her act together and make very clear what is acceptable.

Yes I would sack her.
she is not respecting the rules you have set, so its going to go downhill from here.
and its a pretty serious rule to break

No I wouldn’t sack her. You said she was an excellent nanny, you have built up a relationship with her, your kids have known her all their lives. She’s reliable and you like her.
Goodness knows what kind of nanny you could end up with.

But it would be non negotiable that the boyfriend moves out and boundaries are put back in place. I would sit down with her and explain this. See if she wants to stay. It is also possible that her own life path is changing and she’s getting bored with nanny life now she has a boyfriend? Have a discussion. There isn’t much point giving a second chance if she’s ready to move on?

ETA We had a nanny when the kids were younger so talking from experience here.

good Nannie’s are very hard to come by and expensive fees are charged on top

Firstly, you can hire direct and not pay any additional fees. Agencies are very far from guaranteeing quality. Secondly, this nanny has had gross lapses in both judgement and duty. That is not a good nanny.

I need to leave this thread as I am actually finding it so bloody shocking that posters are so naive and still encouraging the OP to keep this nanny on.

Wake up people! 🙄

I honestly am the most easy going person on the planet but I would be furious about this.
I maybe wouldn't sack her but I would tell her you gave it serious consideration and shes on a last warning. I'd be very worried about the fact that she knows she shouldn't have done this but did it anyway?

She's not an excellent nanny though is she?

She’s causing you too much head space! You are in a position that you have to give her boyfriend a place to stay, then you have the mither of sorting a dbs, then this! It would be definite no from me and I would let her go!

I am really shocked she normally drives somewhere that is 5 mins walk, do people really do that?

I wouldn't want a nanny who did that generally - hardly suggests someone capable of getting the kids lots of fresh air and exercise

What is your fail proof method of telling the decent men from the other men?

Because you should market it. It would save an awful lot of time and expense and hassle for child care workers and those working with vulnerable people, all over the world if they didn’t need to bother with all those tiresome safeguarding procedures and policies and checks, but instead had your formula for discerning the decent men from the other men.

You must be a genius to have worked out something no other professional, anywhere in the world, working in safeguarding has. Hell, I know two child protection social workers who each found out a male colleague ( two different men) were convicted paedophiles. Worked with them for years. With children. Had no idea. None of their colleagues did. And these were professionals specializing in child protection.

So you really should share your formula. You could save an awful lot of kids.

I think you blurred the boundaries agreeing for this stranger to live on your property unfortunately. Whatever you choose your nanny will be looking for another job anyway I think.

I wouldn't be able to trust her again tbh. I was a nanny pre-kids. A few of my families invited my then boyfriend (now husband) round whilst I was babysitting and one was more than happy for him to pop in whilst I was working after they got to know him too. Would I have left the kids in his care? No. Absolutely not. He wasn't there to be their caregiver, that was my job. This is a huge lapse of judgement on her part and I would fire with immediate effect and take emergency leave whilst sorting a new nanny.

I wouldn't sack her for that after 6 good years.

But if I were her and got that text I'd resign anyway so it might not matter anyway.

Several red flags in your post OP, which show escalating behaviours and crossing your boundaries. All she had to do was pay for his DBS and respect your house rules, which are just basic safeguarding.

Well, this.

The mistake was letting him move in in the first place, if you didn’t feel you could trust him around the children.

How does anyone using child care know that this kind of stuff doesn’t happen all the time? Maybe the child carer needs to nip to the shop or whatever and leaves the kids with someone they know for 5 minutes. Me and my friends were babysitting from 14 and most used it as an excuse to have their boyfriend round.

This thread seems a bit of a frenzy! I mean ok yes she shouldn’t have done it but it was 5 minutes with a man who has been living there, yeah in a caravan but he’s probably spent time in the house numerous times.

Before anyway says I’m not being cautious enough, my DC are in their 30s and made it through childhood unscathed! I’m not saying there shouldn’t be consequences but I don’t see that whipping OP up into a frenzy is the way to go.

OP is referring to SD who is 18.

Same. I wouldn’t have let him move in. This woman has allowed an unemployed homeless man she’s sleeping with into your home to care for your baby.

This is how babies and toddlers are killed.

Get rid of the nanny and find someone who doesn’t go behind your back and put your children at risk.

I wouldn’t have let him move in personally. And if it were me I would sack her as it’s unlikely to be the only lapse in judgement.

OK, I shouldn't have called him a decent man, although OP thinks he is she can't be 100% sure, of course. I fully accept that you can never know. I mean it's possible that your own DH could be a pedophile, your own father, your brother! The vast majority of children are abused by someone in their family. So should we not leave children with their grandparents or aunts and uncles? Where do we draw the line? E. G. we've known uncle Andy for 30 years. We know he's a lovely bloke. So many accounts I read of child abuse are by a much loved uncle or grandad who everyone knew well and adored.
And it's not just men, look at the children who've been abused in nursery settings by women. Explicit photos of children shared by female nursery workers. The recent case of a baby who was pinned down and died. These are women who've had the full DBS checks.
So you can never be sure. Whenever you leave your child with someone else it's a risk. There's a chance the nanny's boyfriend could have abused the child in those few minutes. There's a chance the nanny could abuse the children (despite having DBS checks).
In this situation I'm more concerned that they have the man living with them. They're already blurring lines by inviting him in to the family home.

it’s unlikely to be the only lapse in judgement.

Well it isn't is it as her boyfriend had previously been in the house with the kids despite being asked not to do this.

I would be deeply unhappy.
However, I feel by allowing him to stay with you, this was always going to be a possibility.
You have given tacit approval by allowing this man to stay.

It's a good message, but faced with a written warning she'll probably just leave - which may be no bad thing because for me at least the trust would be gone

And in future I'd be more wary about taking in boyfriends, no matter how "temporary" the basis it's supposed to be. Had you done nothing the next expectation would probably have been that he move into the house because of some imagined issue with the caravan, though that too would have been claimed as "temporary"