Would you sack nanny over this?

[YourMerryBrickRobin]

AHave name changed as potentially outing.

Nanny has been with us for 6 years, since our joint biological eldest turned 1 (DH has two kids aged 18 and 14, eldest lives with us full time youngest visits in school holidays)

We have never really had any problems although we will admit a boundary has been slightly pushed lately but we let it go- her long term boyfriend was left homeless, so we agree he could TEMPORARILY move on but would be in the caravan outdoors as he wasn’t DBS checked and didn’t want him staying in the house. He seems a nice enough guy and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t harm my children and appreciate a DBS doesn’t stop that, but it was a boundary we put in place.

He started coming into the house around the DC while we weren’t there. Got a bit more annoyed, but chose not to rock the boat as Nanny is a diamond

Anyway today- she left our youngest (9 months) in the care of her boyfriend while she went and collected DS from nursery, which is literally a 5 minute walk away. Reason being- we had DDs car seat in our car. She didn’t attempt to contact either me or DH (we are both self employed and always within 10-15 miles of home) despite noticing this morning when she was going to take her to the park (DH dropped DS off, we have 2 same stage car seats hence why it wasn’t an issue with DS this morning)

Im pissed off if I’m honest. Like I said, nice enough guy but don’t know him well enough to look after my child even if it was for under 10 minutes

AIBU?

Read through lots of the replies. I have several nanny friends of decades experience and childminder friends (am an ex childminder but also found the nannies more fun to chat to/go out with than the competitive yummy mummies!). I KNOW none of them would behave like this - even when I’ve met up with them in parks with their charges and I’ve had my kids, they do not leave me (a qualified, DBS’d professional) with the kids they are paid to look after. And I never did with my charges, either.

I think she is getting off lightly with a warning letter, tbh. She may have been exemplary for the last 6 years, but do you really know there haven’t been other lapses of judgment - has she left the kids under the watch of someone else at playgroups while she’s nipped to the loo or taken only one child to the bathroom/changing room because it was ‘easier’, for example? As other posters say, this is a huge safeguarding fail and a major breech of her professional duties and contract. Lots of dangerous men target single mothers, so why not also nannies?

I’m afraid I’d have to let her go.

Before anyway says I’m not being cautious enough, my DC are in their 30s and made it through childhood unscathed! I’m not saying there shouldn’t be consequences but I don’t see that whipping OP up into a frenzy is the way to go

When seatbelts weren’t mandatory nearly all children were driven about without incident. But still there were some who died or who had life altering injuries as a result of a crash without a seatbelt. That’s how safeguarding works. It keeps you safe in the event of things that are out of the norm.

Failing to implement that safeguarding all the time means you end up like a single mum I know who found out her lovely boyfriend who helped her out by changing her baby’s nappy was a convicted paedophile.

If you don’t follow safeguarding principles and your child makes it through unscathed, then that’s due to luck, and not your design.

Basically she left your baby with someone who is pretty much a stranger to you, in your home, because she couldn't be bothered to put them in a pushchair for a few minute walk. This after you'd said that you were unhappy that he's been spending time in the house (when she was supposed to be working)

However good she was in the past she isn't now and sounds like her standards and judgement have slid badly. My feeling is that she's opting out and has other priorities that aren't focused on your children and their safety and I don't think it will be possible to regain trust.

Play it by the book employment law wise (although there is surely an argument for gross misconduct) but I'd be looking for a replacement and boyfriend would be gone.

She will probably leaving soon anyway to move in with her boyfriend. She sounds like a really good Nanny who has just got a bit too familiar with your family and forgetting her professional role.

I meant prior to the whole bf situation.

Who knows what she’s been up to previous to this.

She may have been exemplary for the last 6 years, but do you really know there haven’t been other lapses of judgment - has she left the kids under the watch of someone else at playgroups while she’s nipped to the loo or taken only one child to the bathroom/changing room because it was ‘easier’, for example?

Exactly. She probably has tbh.

Couple of things…

Firstly- there is a disciplinary process that has to be followed- you can’t just sack someone- you have to issue a VERBAL warning, a WRITTEN warning, a FINAL warning then DISMISSAL

Secondly- you better hope that the contract was written by a lawyer because that text you have sent is WAFFLE… it would be classed as gross misconduct what she has done but let’s hope that the contract of employment isn’t as Flaky as that text… otherwise a good employment lawyer would do you for £30k compensation for wrongful dismissal

Oh yeah and you need to give her a verbal warning- if you have already done that about this then you can’t give her a written warning as well as you can’t discipline twice for the same thing

Yes but regardless of the outcome I would be getting a nanny cam. It sounds unprofessional from both sides. The nanny doing the wrong thing and OP & DH allowing the nanny’s BF to move into the backyard.

This is very bad on the nanny's part OP. You asked her not to do something and not only did she disregard that she left your baby ALONE with him. What if something happened? I'm a nanny and this is totally out of order. First off, I'd never dream of asking what's been asked of you. If there was a clear rule about who was allowed in my place of work it would never even cross my mind to break it. Then we move on to the baby being left with someone who isn't the nanny. Nope.

If your nanny has become so comfortable that she disregards your rules around your children and then openly tells you about it like nothing was wrong then I have to ask...what else has she become comfortable doing at the expense of you and your family?

Do not text her. Sit down with her when she is back and give her a verbal warning.

Without incident? In 1982, 2,443 people died in car accidents; that figure today is approx 600 (although 200 or 30% were without seatbelts). In 2021, 4 young people a WEEK were killed or injured due to not wearing a seat belt.

This historical revisioning is why some many people are blasé about safeguarding laws. They say things like, ‘only 1% of men are predators/paedophiles’ so there is negligible risk blah blah - but that means in the UK adult male population there are 3.3m potentially dangerous men. Safeguarding is about accepting that accidents DO happen, than some men ARE dangerous, that ALL children are vulnerable… therefore reducing the ‘luck’ element… by design!

Men commit 97% of sexual crimes. Men as a population are far more of a risk to children than women. And the fact that some women abuse is clearly not a reason to be ok with letting nanny’s boyfriend look after your baby alone. So I cannot see the logic in you raising this.

The fact that children are abused by family members is clearly not an argument to leave babies alone with your nanny’s current boyfriend. Again, I cannot see the logic in you raising this. It in no way supports your argument that OP does not need to get worked up about the boyfriend being alone with the baby. In fact, if anything, it’s an argument to be MORE firmly against nanny’s boyfriend watching the kids alone, as it shows men using their relationships to access children to abuse them is more common than we like to admit.

As for your question of where do you draw the line, you draw it any nanny’s who leave their charges alone with their boyfriends. She needs to be let go, the agency informed and any future references need to state why she was dismissed.

She's already had verbal warnings and carried on just the same - in fact worse, because as far as OP knows the DCs weren't left along with the boyfriend before

And if the nanny's only 18 how come he's supposed to be a "long term boyfriend"? To me that suggests years, and while I guess she may have met him at 16 it's just as likely the term's been used to persuade OP to let him live on the property

Actually you can for gross misconduct subject to following procedure: ie investigation - which is unnecessary here as the nanny told her she had done it- and providing nanny with opportunity to explain herself. Leaving a baby alone with an unvetted, un-DBS’d stranger without permission would satisfy the criteria for gross negligence.

I’m confused, you appear to be arguing against me whilst making exactly the same point I make in my post.

A majority drive without incident, but a minority do not so you make laws/ procedures/ policies based on the minority. Like with child protection safeguarding. We are saying the same thing. If you read my post again, and indeed my other posts on this thread, you will see I am absolutely uncompromising on the risk this baby has been exposed to.

And the minimising award goes to ...

If you read the OP properly, it wasn't 5 minutes.

The nanny had to pick up another child a 5 minute walk away.

5 mins there, waiting, 5 mins back (longer usually with a child I expect)
so easily 20 mins the guy was alone with the baby.

But anyway - 5 mins is 5 mins too long.

PS the nanny is NOT 18!!!

There is an older DSC living with OP who is 18. The nanny is likely to be mid to late 20’s.

The nanny isn't 18. She's been working for the family for 6 years. She hardly started when she was 12!

Sorry if I misread your post - I wasn’t sure I understood if you were arguing for/against. My fault. Morning brain fog - need more coffee obviously!

Ah, apologies - I obviously misread that, but my point about possibly describing him as a long term boyfriend to make it "sound better" stands

Edited to add apologies to you too, @TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre; I posted before seeing your own reply

You can’t just issue a written warning. You are compelled as her employer to go through a formal disciplinary process. Review Acas and speak with your nanny payroll line if they offer employment advice.

No worries - several posters have referenced the nanny being 18 and so it was aimed at clearing this point up as it was taking hold as fact (not targeted at you 😃)

You must be desperate to have let her boyfriend move in and shack up in a caravan in your garden

what about nurse op? Childcare shouldn’t come with a load of personal cost and hassle like this

This and get him DBS, cheap enough.

If she is a great nanny, and the kid loves her and you trust her- another will be hard to find, and kid will probably be very upset. But you have to set the boundaries, and make it plain this is NOT negotiable. And that ny transgression from now on will mean he will have to leave.

How has she been your nanny for 6 years if she is only 18 now ?

oh just spotted she’s not 18 :-(

boyfriend needs to move out by a certain date - give him notice. Hopefully when’s he’s living else where he won’t be round visiting - although certain boundaries have been crossed so might be easily crossed again