Would you sack nanny over this?

[YourMerryBrickRobin]

AHave name changed as potentially outing.

Nanny has been with us for 6 years, since our joint biological eldest turned 1 (DH has two kids aged 18 and 14, eldest lives with us full time youngest visits in school holidays)

We have never really had any problems although we will admit a boundary has been slightly pushed lately but we let it go- her long term boyfriend was left homeless, so we agree he could TEMPORARILY move on but would be in the caravan outdoors as he wasn’t DBS checked and didn’t want him staying in the house. He seems a nice enough guy and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t harm my children and appreciate a DBS doesn’t stop that, but it was a boundary we put in place.

He started coming into the house around the DC while we weren’t there. Got a bit more annoyed, but chose not to rock the boat as Nanny is a diamond

Anyway today- she left our youngest (9 months) in the care of her boyfriend while she went and collected DS from nursery, which is literally a 5 minute walk away. Reason being- we had DDs car seat in our car. She didn’t attempt to contact either me or DH (we are both self employed and always within 10-15 miles of home) despite noticing this morning when she was going to take her to the park (DH dropped DS off, we have 2 same stage car seats hence why it wasn’t an issue with DS this morning)

Im pissed off if I’m honest. Like I said, nice enough guy but don’t know him well enough to look after my child even if it was for under 10 minutes

AIBU?

Nanny ought to go. She has no right to bring an adult male into your lives, into your home, into contact with your children - that decision should be yours, she should not usurp your authority.

Recognising the difficulty in finding reliable childcare, I suppose I understand your decision to give her a second chance, but she has demonstrated that she does not care for the safety of your children and that would be a real problem for me.

There are at least 2 issues. The break down of trust is one. Is the man a risk is two.
I don't think all men are a risk and a DBS is utterly worthless.

It has happened and can't un-happen.

What do you want the outcome to be?

Any solution whereby the bf is asked to leave and a formal warning is given is likely to lead to her looking for another job.

She has been your nanny for 6 years. I am assuming you have formed some form of relationship based on trust during that time. Do you usually trust her judgment bearing in mind you are prepared to leave your children in her care? What will you do if SD brings home a boyfriend and while she is alone with the other kids asks bf to keep an eye for a couple of minutes while she pops to the shop. I think allowing nanny's boyfriend to stay has blurred those lines for her in that her length of time with you means she feels she is part of the family. I also think she feels this because she thought nothing of telling you she did it. If it was something she thought you wouldn't be okay with she wouldn't have told you. She may mow be less forthcoming with you in the future about other things that currently she would be.

If you want to keep her as a nanny, can you speak with her on a less formal basis about why it was inappropriate and how it has upset you. She may well be horrified. I do think any form of formal warning will lead to her leaving so I guess deciding what you want the ultimate outcome to be is the first step. If you feel you can't get past this breach of trust then by all means go down a formal route but I would anticipate needing to find a new nanny soon.

I don’t think so - I would hit the roof if my child was left with an unknown man regardless of how lovely childminder thinks him. Trusting someone to mind your child is massive and that was a significant breach of that trust.

It’s so not the point of the thread but I do wonder if she realises that she’s risking her job and accommodation for a boyfriend. I wonder how long they’ve been together?

Am guessing the nanny will be job hunting.
Text message very disrespectful to someone who you have trusted for 6 years

OK she made a poor decision but you have really undermined her .
An adult conversation one to one would have been far more effective .

This in a nutshell.

This⬆️!

She told OP, as she thought the child might mention it

I wouldnt text her, I would speak to her, Remind her you are doing her & her bf a massive, free m(?) favour, & they have both betrayed your trust.
She is the employee, he is not.
What does she want to do now? Asj her how she sees the solution.
(She has probably been meeting up with bf while walking etc anyway,)
He has to go now, & you will have to install camera indoors, this is not how a comfortable, trusting parent/nanny relationship should work.

This is absolutely a sackable offense. No other employed childcare worker would leave a child in the care of their male partner without serious consequences almost certainly leading to dismissal. It’s a massive safeguarding issue.

You do realise there might be a reason this young man chose a nanny for a girlfriend and became ‘homeless’ leading to a request to live at yours? It’s not beyond the realms of possibility he planned this. Paedophiles are extremely manipulative people. He certainly got to a point where he was left alone with a child didn’t he?

You’ve all been very naive.

Me neither and I would absolutely sack her now. Anything could have happened and who even knows if this man is safe to be around children - as the poster above said, paedophiles are vile, manipulative people who target others to get what they want.

I would be fucking FURIOUS. Get rid OP.

NB I work in child safeguarding

You are unreasonable for letting the boundaries get this blurred. It has become unfair to both yourselves and her. All now is damage limitation. Expect that she is going to move on, either voluntarily or through further breaches of trust. Plan accordingly.

She is presumably a qualified Nanny and knew what she was doing was wrong. She probably only told you as she thought a teacher or another parent at your DDs school might mention to you that she was out without your baby.
This is the second time "that you know of" that she she broken boundaries regarding her BF being with your DC.
For me the trust would be gone.
OP, you sound very kind but I think you need to quickly upskill yourself regarding employment law.

the kids like her and she doesn’t go pulling sickies all the time, don’t get rid of her. If you did you never know how long it would be until you find another decent one

ie Shes a workhorse for your convenience,not a human being? 6 years is an awful long time. The bf should not have been in the caravan.

Personally if you trust her as a nanny i think you can trust her judgement that he wouldn't harm them?

This is colossally naive. Why, do Nannie’s have special paedophile spotting powers? Do people really think life is like a movie where bad guys just look sinister in some way? No paedophiles would get anywhere near a child if they could be spotted as paedophiles.

It’s their ability to go undetected that lets them groom parents and partners and children.

She’s worked for you for six years, don’t do this over a text .
Also is there any context we are missing , was it raining heavily , was your LO sleeping , poorly .

Good advice re ring doorbells etc

Yes this. OP needs to safeguard her children pronto. I am amazed at some of the diabolical advice she has received on here too - surely people are not this naive/stupid when it comes to the safety of their children?

You dont text your employee about having a warning. That is copping out in having an actual conversation with her which is what you need to do.

I am speechless at this post. Genuinely.

They do need to follow due procedure, granted. However, the tone of the message and the fact it is being sent by text, still reflect badly on the op imho.

Is she employed by you direct or do you pay her through the agency?

I think someone has broken the law somewhere along the line.

You need to follow employment law procedures before issuing a written warning OP.

It's more than a lapse in judgement.. you've told her he's not to come in the house, and have caught him in the house now on several occasions. And now she has left the child in his care. The way she is acting is untrustworthy.

Had the boyfriend abused or harmed the baby whilst his girlfriend wasn't there, would that be ok because it was just 5 mins?

I absolutely would sack her, her judgement was way off. Your child is a baby, she can’t tell you if she has negative experiences so you need to trust the nanny implicitly. A formal warning if it was an emergency which it wasn’t, so dismissal without hesitation.