Going partying with a group of strangers then back to hotel room?

[Princessfinella]

Would you care about this?

Been with my boyfriend for about six months.

Earlier in the year, he mentioned he hadn't been on holiday for a couple of years and has had a stressful time over the last year, so I suggested he took a holiday.
I think he mentioned going with a friend but that sort of fell through (the friend had already booked a holiday this year with other people) so I encouraged him to book a week away on his own.

He left last weekend and has gone to Tenerife.

The first night, he landed at around 9pm and messaged me a bit while he was going through security and waiting for the transfer bus, then it got late so I went to bed.
The next day, I found a message from 11.30 that night with photos of his room and saying he'd only just found that he's got a balcony, then when I replied he told me that he'd been downstairs to the bar, "made some friends" and they invited him to the disco, so he went with them and didn't get to sleep until 5am.

A bit later when I jokingly asked if he'd sat on his balcony yet, he said "not mine but I sat on my friends' balcony when I went back to their room".

I questioned him a bit and he said the group that invited him to the disco, were a Spanish group who saw him sitting alone and I introduced themselves and invited him to the disco. Then he went back to their room for more drinks.

I (half jokingly) asked if girls had been involved and he said that the one guy was on a stag do, his mate was there and they "had two girls with them...not sure if they were 'with' them or they just picked them up".

This immediately made me feel really weird. He says he told them he had a girlfriend but why on earth would a grown man in his 40s - who has a girlfriend - agree to go partying with a guy on a stag do, his drunk mate and two girls and then go back to their room afterwards?!

He can't see the issue and is saying he was anxious being on his own, so wondered whether I'm wrong to be a bit put out by his behaviour? And honestly, concerned. Just seems a bit risky going to someone's hotel room with a group of people you don't know, although it is a large chain hotel (Hard Rock).

He also keeps referring to the random people he meets as "friends" and has added one guy to his FB already...

In answer to those asking, he used to be a bit of a party guy in his early 20s but settled down in his late 20s, got married and they turned into a bit of a 'twee' kind of couple - always at the zoo wearing pack a macs so I thought he'd changed (I knew him when he was a party guy).

He didn't want to go on his own but he asked a friend who was busy the week he wanted to go, I didn't have the money and had work commitments so encouraged him to take the holiday on his own.

I encouraged him to let his hair down a bit and enjoy himself, he booked a medieval castle as one of the excursions so I thought he was still in twee mode I guess!
I didn't expect him to go back to this groups hotel room and start drinking whisky and coke that they bought 'for the room' until 5am, that's all. I'm pleased he's having fun, it just shocked me he'd done that particular thing given his past as mentioned in my other reply.

Sounds like he’s dodged a bullet with you breaking up. Jesus Christ.

You sound like the controlling one in this relationship, OP.

Seems like you’ve realised you’re not a good mix and plan to finish things. Perhaps it’s all for the best anyway, you clearly don’t trust him.

I'd have joined them, if they'd included me in their evening and I was travelling alone and I'm a 54yo woman.

That's the great thing about going on holiday (or anywhere really) by yourself, you get to know peole you just wouldn't otherwise meet.

I had a lovely time with a group of young(ish) men on a stag do in Newcastle last weekend.

Tenerife is not a 'resort', It is an island with a wide range of landscapes and culture. Only one small area, Las Americas, is a tacky, Brits abroad, stag and hen type place.

You sound like an absolute nightmare. How was what he said a lie!? He absolutely hit the nail on the head when he said you were waiting to flick a switch on him. Throw this one back OP so he can find someone else.

Oh god. Grow up. If he goes on holiday on his own he's going to talk to people. What did you expect? You sound very immature.

Well, firstly he has form for withholding information but secondly, I specifically asked whether he was going to keep in touch with those people he keeps calling friends after the holiday and he said he wouldn't be seeing them again - so he chose his wording carefully which to me, feels dodgy.
How do I know he hasn't given the girls his number or added women to his Facebook when he wouldn't even offer up the fact that he was indeed going to keep in touch with at least one of the group as he'd added them to Facebook? He says when I asked, he didn't feel it was relevant

Just let him enjoy his holiday and have a proper chat with him when he gets home. If you want to break up with him it would be really harsh to do this on the trip, that you'd encouraged him to go on, just because you are feeling cross.

It sounds like he's trying to have a nice time and fit in and you've set out out to ruin it. It's very sad.

Ah…so because everyone has said you are being massively unreasonable, you’ve started to focus on the girls because one poster pointed out it’s the girls that make you uncomfortable. Smart move OP.

Doesn’t change a thing - you’re still being controlling.

Sounds like he's having fun! He's in his forties he was open and honest with you. He's on holiday, why shouldn't he have a good time? Think you need to work on your anxious attachment style.

Why is this childlike? He had fun. Does that have to stop when you're 40? Me and a friend went on a city break and we rarely let our hair down! But we danced and partied and made new friends until 5am! Poor guy, sounds scared of you! I am so used to reading posts on here where men are unreasonable but you sound controlling and a fun sponge. It would be nice to call him today and say 'I'm sorry I over reacted go and have a good time.' Instead you've made him feel shit about himself!

God OP - you sound incredibly mean, he has dodged a bullet with you! You asked him to go on holiday, then he makes friends, and suddenly he's a liability, childish and you need to dump him. What kind of person does this!?

Tenerife is hardly the place you go to by yourself. What did you think he was going to do there
Dont be daft, I've been going to Tenerife by myself for 20 odd years, so does my best friend. We are both female and like our own company.

you sound crazy

hes better off without you

The whole thing is weird; why didn’t you go on holiday together?

Whether or not the meeting people and partying with them is dodgy or not will depend on his personality and how trustworthy he is. You shouldn’t overreact though; maybe he’s just lonely and enjoying himself.

Up to you whether or not you think he wouldn’t do anything silly.

What are you on about? Completely fine to act that way in your 40s too. Being sociable doesn’t stop once you’re no longer in your 20s…

OP you aren't a good match, you are very critical of him early on. There's nothing wrong with someone making friends while they're on holiday alone. Just end it when he gets back

"Withholding information"

He doesn't have to tell you everything he does or says. He's his own person, you're in a relationship with him, not sharing a single brain.

And why does it matter if he adds some people to facebook, or decides to keep in touch with people he met on holiday?

You sound deeply controlling, and honestly I think he'd be better off without you.

Gonna be honest OP you sound like an absolute controlling superior hard work nightmare.

The poor sod having a bit of fun on a solo holiday and you’re finding every excuse under the sun to slag him off. So what if he calls randoms his friends? What skin is that off your nose?

Many of us done things on holiday we probably wouldn’t do at home but what? He’s having fun stop dragging him down

Do the guy a favour. End the relationship and you can both find people who suit you better.

You would've HATED us when I was a holiday rep in the Canaries. Whenever we found someone holidaying alone, they were invited out with us reps to bars and for dinner and it continued that way for their holiday (regardless of age) I still keep in touch with a couple of them now.

Do you realise what it's like for people in a place like Tenerife alone? They see families, couples and friends groups and it can be terribly lonely and isolating. I still remember how gutted I was for one woman in Gran Canaria, who was sobbing to me one afternoon as she didn't expect to feel so lonely.

YABVU

I thought I was avoidant actually, he identifies as anxious. Maybe I'm a bit of both because I've been telling him for a long time I'm not a relationship person.

Yes but he's said he's socially awkward and hates being in groups - he is always saying he prefers 1-1 so this was completely out of character. That's why it took me by surprise.

To be honest, I've been having doubts all along about a) whether I'm interested enough in him and b) whether he's who he says he is, or whether he's abusive, as his ex accused him of being.

It's really not as it seems, I didn't have a go at him at all and everything he said about being different with me there, he says daily anyway. He keeps saying he needs me in order to feel sane and trust me, I'm not encouraging that at all, which was part of the reason for telling him he should try going away on his own...to foster his independence a bit more as he's coming on very strong at the moment.

Anyway I see now I was unreasonable. Thanks all

Part of the problem I suppose is I don't get that.

I love being on my own, genuinely - to the point I find a normal relationship stifling...just having to see someone more than once a week has been tough and I've happily been away alone, for meals on my own and all of that.

If you're happy with own company and secure in yourself, how on earth can you feel lonely? Friends should be a bonus, not a must have.

I don't think thats a position many people will identify with OP, I think you're fairly unique there.

I love my own company, will happily take myself off on a trip by myself, sit in the pub with a good book. I'm not great in big social situations, much prefer 1 to 1 with someone etc.

But that doesn't mean I never want to spend time with others, or have a night out with a group, or meet new people. Yes, its out of my comfort zone but I'd get proper FOMO if I was on holiday and everyone else is having fun in the bar and I'm all on my own.