Going partying with a group of strangers then back to hotel room?

[Princessfinella]

Would you care about this?

Been with my boyfriend for about six months.

Earlier in the year, he mentioned he hadn't been on holiday for a couple of years and has had a stressful time over the last year, so I suggested he took a holiday.
I think he mentioned going with a friend but that sort of fell through (the friend had already booked a holiday this year with other people) so I encouraged him to book a week away on his own.

He left last weekend and has gone to Tenerife.

The first night, he landed at around 9pm and messaged me a bit while he was going through security and waiting for the transfer bus, then it got late so I went to bed.
The next day, I found a message from 11.30 that night with photos of his room and saying he'd only just found that he's got a balcony, then when I replied he told me that he'd been downstairs to the bar, "made some friends" and they invited him to the disco, so he went with them and didn't get to sleep until 5am.

A bit later when I jokingly asked if he'd sat on his balcony yet, he said "not mine but I sat on my friends' balcony when I went back to their room".

I questioned him a bit and he said the group that invited him to the disco, were a Spanish group who saw him sitting alone and I introduced themselves and invited him to the disco. Then he went back to their room for more drinks.

I (half jokingly) asked if girls had been involved and he said that the one guy was on a stag do, his mate was there and they "had two girls with them...not sure if they were 'with' them or they just picked them up".

This immediately made me feel really weird. He says he told them he had a girlfriend but why on earth would a grown man in his 40s - who has a girlfriend - agree to go partying with a guy on a stag do, his drunk mate and two girls and then go back to their room afterwards?!

He can't see the issue and is saying he was anxious being on his own, so wondered whether I'm wrong to be a bit put out by his behaviour? And honestly, concerned. Just seems a bit risky going to someone's hotel room with a group of people you don't know, although it is a large chain hotel (Hard Rock).

He also keeps referring to the random people he meets as "friends" and has added one guy to his FB already...

You either trust him or you don't and it's quite condescending to say that what he's doing is "childish' when it's actually fairly normal behaviour.

And this.

It's completely normal.for people - NT or ND - to meet people on holiday.

I think you're massively overthinking this OP. What did you expect to happen when he went on holiday alone? I've had masses of Facebook 'friends' over the years that I've met on holiday and then usually never seen or spoken to again.

As for him being controlling, he's not the one who suggests he go on a lone holiday and then tries to dictate what he does and who he speaks to while he's on it...

I think splitting might be for the best as you don't sound at all compatible.

It's normal to make holiday friends when you holiday alone.

Years ago I was backpacking alone in South America. I made some "friends" and went to their place. We ended up travelling around together for a bit and are all still friends today. I didn't sleep with any of them!

You sound intense and as though you’re deliberately looking for fault to cause a fight and end things. Just end it and move it.

FWiW I have people on my Facebook I met randomly on holidays and ended up partying with. It’s a normal thing to do. Granted I was always with at least one other friend but meeting people abroad is very normal!

Thanks all.

Maybe those that said I'm looking for excuses to finish with him are right.

I'll do it now.

Thanks again

At least wait until he’s back from his holiday!

Ok but he'll be wanting to chat to me for the next few days while he's away....

Gosh you sound like hard work. He went out with some people, got chatting, had a nice time and added them on Facebook. Thats really not that weird - I've done that on occasion after a night out etc... especially if you've had a drink you'll feel like you're best friends forever (even though you know you'll probably never see them again). This is very much a you problem and you're the one who sounds quite controlling here.

Oh, and if you care even at all about him, don't ruin his holiday by breaking up with him there

Mr Monkey is a bit like this. He is an extrovert and will happily make friends wherever he is. I left him for a few hours in old school locals bar in France watching the football, three hours later he was firm friends will all the customers and arranging to meet up to watch the next game.

His social media friends lists are also full of randoms he has met. It took me a while to understand it but it is just who he is and there is no threat to us our our relationship. In facr I like it as I need a fair amount of alone time on holiday so I know I can go off to a museum or whatever and leave him happily doing stuff.

You encouraged him to go on holiday alone so, bar cheating, you don't really get to say how he spends his time.

I think it's a little odd to tell him to go on holiday, then get annoyed at what he does once there. How would you feel if he told you to go on a trip then questioned your behaviour when you did? What did you expect or want him to do? I suggest when he comes home you split up as you don't seem to like him much (you describe his making new friends on holiday as 'childish'), or trust him. In the meantime, let the man enjoy himself.

I’d say a big ‘so what’ to all of this - he’s allowed to change his mind and fit in with whatever is going on around him.

But it does seem like you’re looking to find fault in everything he does so it really is better Eve things with him soon as he gets home rather than carry on like this

Poor bloke can't win. He's probably coming across intense to reassure you that he cares, becuase you are coming across as jealous and desperately lookng to pick a fight.

As PP say don't break up with him whilst he's on holiday, that would be extremely cruel. If you're hell bent on ending things be kind and allow him to enjoy what remains of his holiday.

Poor bloke - you tell him to go on holiday alone , then cross examine his every move finding much deeper meaning than is there .
Then you want to finish with him and spoil his holiday !
You sound very intense and hard work .

I'm guessing OP wouldn't have an issue if there were no girls there

I didn't know there were until a little later on.

With regards to the childish comment; it's really hard to explain but he seems to keep saying things like he needs me to feel normal.
And so when I'm away from him, he does things he wouldn't usually in order to desperately try and fit in with everyone else.

I'm clearly in the minority here so have worked out it's me, lol, but I don't ever feel the need to fit in - I'd go partying if I want to but equally be happy sitting on my own with a book, whereas he says he puts pressure on himself to enjoy himself and ends up doing things "so he looks like he's enjoyed himself"

Honestly, get a life! He’s not wrong to refer to them as friends when’s he’s got talking to them & hung out with them for the day. Doesn’t mean they have to be life long besties.

I think your main issue is that he is out partying with randoms, but Tenerife is party central & not generally a destination for young solo travellers. It’s actually nice that people are including him. If he was with you / a friend I don’t doubt he’d be having a different sort of holiday.

I made a friend in the same waterpark last week! If you find a single rider as a group with an odd number at Siam Park you hold on to him for life!! Trust me. Worth his weight in gold 🤣

OP you're being very silly and unfair. Stop playing games with him

Why wouldn't you have gone away together? He's on a holiday, by himself, letting the wind take him. I'd do exactly the same thing myself as a woman. If you didn't want him meeting people and having fun you shouldn't have suggested he fly to a foreign country by himself. Who wants to sit in a hotel room alone, he's getting out there and making friends left right center as you say and you're pissed off... I don't think you're quite as easy going and relaxed as you thought you were by pushing him to go away alone because he deserves it.....

Also, you're talking about risks of him going to a strangers hotel room with a group of people partying, as if he is a teenage girl. I think the mid 40s man can handle himself in most situations that pop up in these circumstances.

Consider the fact he might be morphing his responses to you based on your personality and likely replies back, he might say these things to get you to fuck off his back a bit knowing you're a party pooper and will get funny about him doing things you've pretended you were totally okay with. It would be different if you said "book a holiday just yourself, but don't meet anybody, don't add them on Facebook, don't make friends or go back to their rooms, and don't speak to females. Also spend enough time alone that you're similar to me, who is happy reading a book by myself on holiday, even though you are an individual who is different to me. Have fun, but not what I would deem too much" - that would've accurately set the scene so he knew what exactly he was allowed to do without you getting funny.

Sort of thing I'd do and I'm nearly 60 😂

Many people put pressure on themselves to fit in and look like they've had fun. It's perfectly normal so I'm not sure why you've pivoted to criticising that.

It's not always healthy when you do things you don't enjoy to look like you fit in but it can actually be positive. I've travelled solo a lot and had many nights when I just wanted to retire to my hotel room with a book at 6pm but forced myself out of my comfort zone, and had some of the best nights of my life as a result. Which in turn gave me a confidence boost in terms of overcoming shyness.

Many of those nights were exactly as you describe in your thread title and yes, I added them to my social media. This was over a decade ago and some of them have become really great friends.

Yabu.

if DH went away by himself he’d be making friends at every turn as he’s very chatty and sociable. You can’t expect him to be by himself all week surely.

actually now I think about it, I took elderly DF on holiday last year and while I went to bed by 11 every night my DF carried on enjoying the nightlife every single evening! He made friends with various groups and hung out with them. Nothing untoward!

He got on with them and had a fun time with them. He is entitled to refer to them as friends.

Yeah he would, it's a common tactic to avoid suspicion.

I'm not saying it's happening, but the ' hiding in plain sight' think is as old as the hills.