Going partying with a group of strangers then back to hotel room?

[Princessfinella]

Would you care about this?

Been with my boyfriend for about six months.

Earlier in the year, he mentioned he hadn't been on holiday for a couple of years and has had a stressful time over the last year, so I suggested he took a holiday.
I think he mentioned going with a friend but that sort of fell through (the friend had already booked a holiday this year with other people) so I encouraged him to book a week away on his own.

He left last weekend and has gone to Tenerife.

The first night, he landed at around 9pm and messaged me a bit while he was going through security and waiting for the transfer bus, then it got late so I went to bed.
The next day, I found a message from 11.30 that night with photos of his room and saying he'd only just found that he's got a balcony, then when I replied he told me that he'd been downstairs to the bar, "made some friends" and they invited him to the disco, so he went with them and didn't get to sleep until 5am.

A bit later when I jokingly asked if he'd sat on his balcony yet, he said "not mine but I sat on my friends' balcony when I went back to their room".

I questioned him a bit and he said the group that invited him to the disco, were a Spanish group who saw him sitting alone and I introduced themselves and invited him to the disco. Then he went back to their room for more drinks.

I (half jokingly) asked if girls had been involved and he said that the one guy was on a stag do, his mate was there and they "had two girls with them...not sure if they were 'with' them or they just picked them up".

This immediately made me feel really weird. He says he told them he had a girlfriend but why on earth would a grown man in his 40s - who has a girlfriend - agree to go partying with a guy on a stag do, his drunk mate and two girls and then go back to their room afterwards?!

He can't see the issue and is saying he was anxious being on his own, so wondered whether I'm wrong to be a bit put out by his behaviour? And honestly, concerned. Just seems a bit risky going to someone's hotel room with a group of people you don't know, although it is a large chain hotel (Hard Rock).

He also keeps referring to the random people he meets as "friends" and has added one guy to his FB already...

I’ve not hear the term disco since secondary School in the 90s! Appreciate I’m missing the point.

I cannot get my head round this. Poor bloke cannot win.

You suggested a solo holiday.
Most people would suggest a couples holiday.

Very few people are willing to go away by themselves and bravo to them

He is doing a brave thing going away by himself and is making friends to do things with. It's not weird or strange.

It sounds fun. Everything has some inherent risk. He sounds sensible and transparent.

Hard Rock Hotel in Tenerife. That was never going to be the place for a week of silence and solitude. Neither of you sound very comfortable with this choice of holiday so I struggle to understand why he booked it or you encouraged it.

So you wanted him to go on holiday and quietly pine for you? He sounds like he had a laugh, you can form fairly intense friendships on holiday, situationships that don’t necessarily have any longevity when back to normality but are fun at the time.

His holiday sounds fab! I’m quite jealous …..

It's because he's on his own. Good on him. Sounds like he's having a great time and you are jealous. Funny thing is, you suggested to go on holiday.

Eh? I've been to Tenerife by myself. What was I supposed to be doing??

How was it risky? Sounds spontaneous and fun?
friends can be made anywhere & everywhere, you sound a bit cynical

What did you think a single man would do in Tenerife every night?

*Appreciate he’s not technically single but you sent him off on holiday on his own. Funny choice to go to Tenerife when it’s quite a lively (some would say tacky) resort bursting at the seams with stag and hen dos at this time of year.

You should have sent him on a yoga retreat in Outer Mongolia if you wanted him to not speak to other holiday makers. He’s in his 40s not 90s.

I don’t see the problem. He’s in Tenerife not backing solo in Outer Mongolia. Its the sort of place where nightlife and socialising is a priority.

Me and a mate when to Lanzarote last November and chatted to loads of people including a lady on her own who joined us most days/nights. One day my mate overdid the AI bar and fell asleep after dinner so I went to the hotel disco bar and joined a family group we’d spoken to round the pool. And the mum added us on FB to tag us in her photos - we’re over 50

The poor sod chat win. You encourage him to take a solo trip then get the hump that he’s mixing with other people rather than pining in the corner

"Go away! Have fun!!"

"I am having fun!"

"But you are not having the sort of fun I approve of...stop having fun"

You're the one who encouraged him to go on holiday by himself. Did you think he'd sit in a hotel room and twiddle his thumbs the whole fucking time?

I'm thinking this kind of falls under the category of "Be careful what you wish for."

It is good he is allowed off the lead sometimes

you either trust him or you dont

dont send him on holiday then question everything he does

next time go with him

You're being ridiculous. People always make holiday friends in these kinds of places. Goof for him.

What on earth did you expect him to do on his own in a lively holiday resort?
Totally normal to meet people at a bar
Totally normal to go back to their room for drinks
Totally normal to think of them as friends
Totally normal to add them to social media

Your reaction- not normal

It feels like you are sending him on holiday (and not going together) but expecting him to have limited interaction with shine he meets, which is a bit odd. To some degree it goes with the territory. It’s all out of control for you but that goes with the territory.

What did you expect him to do on his holiday… I’m really serious with this question? This sounds perfectly normal

You’re being weird and unreasonable.

No wonder he needs a holiday.

Thanks all.

He thinks he's autistic and has been described as controlling/abusive by his most recent ex (although she has diagnosed BPD so whether that's true or she was splitting on him when she said those things, I don't know as prior to the "he's controlling" comment she said he was amazing and I'd better not hurt him).

He also said he's very bad in groups, feels anxious and has to develop "coping mechanisms" to deal with it so I found it strange he went immediately to the bar and then met people etc. Before he left, his plans were the pool, beach and "excursions".

The person he added was part of a different group he met at the waterpark, not the original group and it was apparently to be tagged in photos.

His latest message is that "being there alone made me regress to when I was in Germany alone, tagging along with people and seeing what happens" and also said he's been forcing himself to do crazy things to make it look like he's had fun.

The problem is I didn't actually mention how weird I found the disco/hotel room thing that night as I was trying not to bring him down with my insecurities, it's only when he announced yesterday that he'd made a group of friends at the water park and I joked about how funny it was he called them all friends - then said "if you're planning on keeping in touch when you come home, then maybe they could be described as friends" to which he replied that he probably wasn't going to see them again. Then I found out he'd added one to Facebook so what he'd said earlier felt a bit like a lie.

So it's more the half truths and how he's acting not adding up with how he portrayed himself to be.

Plus - as soon as I brought this stuff up he sent me a selfie with a sad face saying he wished he could be watching the sunset with me, was all "I love you so much, I want you so badly" etc which is always a bit of an ick to me as we haven't been together long, then he said (as usual) that he thinks my reaction was just "waiting for me to make the slightest mistake so you can flip a switch and push me away".

I have tried to split with him recently because I just don't think we're compatible, but he gets quite intense and starts begging me to stay, saying stuff like the above.

You do sound incompatible!

More importantly, you do understand that you are allowed to end a relationship at any time? Why are you letting him dictate this as if you're a piece of kit he's bought down at Halfords? What has he threatened to do?

Admittedly, I'm talking about in my 20s here, but I've been on a few holidays on my own, some even when together with my now husband. Making friends at bars or hostels or at the pool is totally normal and I still have some of those people on my Facebook, even though we haven't really spoken since the holiday where I met them 🤷‍♀️ I also didn't cheat on my partner with any of them and nor did my partner with the friends he made when he went on holiday without me.

You either trust him or you don't and it's quite condescending to say that what he's doing is "childish' when it's actually fairly normal behaviour.

You've said he thinks he might be autistic so I'm going to respond from that position. Because I'm autistic and know a lot of autistic people. So I'm going to respond from my experience.

I do think it's strange you encouraged him to go on holiday alone and were then surprised he got talking to people.

Before he left, his plans were the pool, beach and "excursions".

He is allowed to change his mind.

I think you felt reassured by his suspected autism and imagined that he would be slow to socialise, if at all, and the fact he did it quickly and easily has unsettled you.

Many autistic people struggle with social interactions. This can look like avoiding people and not making friends easily and/or attaching to easily and feeling like people are 'friends' before getting to know them properly.

I struggle with proper friendships but have no difficulty making short term, sometimes quite intense connections with people who can feel like friends when they're not.

Some people use the word friends to describe people they have known for a while and get on with well others use it to describe people they know.

I don't know why you think he was at risk unless you consider him to be very vulnerable in some way - eg many people with autism are very trusting - I had one friend who described everyone he ever spoke to and was superficially nice to him as a friend. A lot of the time, these people were just looking for someone they could benefit from financially he ended up losing a lot of money by giving it away to people he barely knew.

He is not at risk interested way a woman would be by going into a strangers room.

He is not more or less likely to cheat because he is autistic. Some autistic people wouldn't ever cheat because its wrong and it wouldn't even occur to them to do so. Others wouldn't realise they were being inappropriately close to someone and that their behaviours might suggest they were interested in someone when they weren't - some of those might find themselves in a position they didn't know how to handle or extricate themselves from when others would or even realise they should. Others might cheat because they have very poor boundaries or a lack of object constancy (out of sight out of mind). Others might seek it out because that's who they are.

He can add someone on fb without thinking he is going to see them again. That isn't a lie or a half truth.

then he said (as usual) that he thinks my reaction was just "waiting for me to make the slightest mistake so you can flip a switch and push me away

A lot of people do that. Do you do that?

I have tried to split with him recently because I just don't think we're compatible, but he gets quite intense and starts begging me to stay, saying stuff like the above.

This is a you problem. If you don't think you are compatible then end it.

I'm planning a solo holiday and hope I find friends like this!