I don’t want my DD to be an Au Pair for a single dad

[Cyanbadmintonplayer]

Hi,
My DD is 19, we live in Germany but we are a British family. DD really wants to give a go at being an Au Pair for a couple of years while doing open uni.
Shes using an agency and has been matched with a single dad and his 7 year old daughter, from what I can gather no mother on the scene.

He wants DD to take his child to and from school everyday, and then to and from
clubs every evening bar 1 and Saturday.
No cleaning expectations, no need to drive (tube or taxi depending). She would need to make dinner for the child 4 days a week and a packed lunch for between activities on the Saturday. Occasional babysitting but this could come with an extra payment.
DD would get some time off over school holidays but would occasionally be asked to travel with them.
The pay would be £150 p/w, food and accommodation provided (large room with en-suite), travel card provided, phone bill paid for. DD would like to see if a gym membership would be possible on top of this but doesn’t want to be greedy.

It all sounds good I know but I hate the thought of her working for a single dad!
It seems a lot less safe and significantly riskier. I’m also worried that it might not be the safest area she’d be living in (London S/W).

AIBU thinking DD should wait it out for a different family and working for a single man is just too risky?

I au paired for a bit and wouldn't have considered a single dad for obvious reasons.

It's obviously more dangerous than staying with a family.

@Cyanbadmintonplayer Has the mum died recently?

Has he had au pairs before?

The one caution I would agree with is that it sounds like a lot of hours/days and will inevitably end up being more.

It also doesn't give her much of her own time to study etc as it is always chopped up and so really not much actual free time because she always needs to be available to pick up little girl.

I also didn't think au pairs could work 6 days?

I do think though that all you can do is support and she is old enough to make choices.

It sounds like she is going to do it-just some reinforcing about clear boundaries etc so she can advocate for herself if it is too much!

I'd be concerned in your shoes, too, OP. I was an au pair for a couple in France many years ago. I think it's better to work for a couple because of the power dynamic. In the family I worked for, she was very difficult, always chopping and changing plans which made it impossible for me to arrange things for myself and wanting me to help out on my time off. Her husband would intervene (he could see she didn't much like me) and point out that I wasn't employed as 24/7 cover. If it had been just her I would have had a really horrible time.

I think the level of care and responsibility you describe merits more than £150pw. I would expect more like £1000pm. So this is already sounding an alarm bell. He's a man looking for childcare on the cheap.

I think you've been unfairly dealt with early in the thread. Daddy having an affair with the au pair has been such a common situation, and your daughter will be away from home and on her own in strange circumstances. I can remember how confident I was that I knew everything and could deal with anything when I was 19, and then the awful shock that I was out of my depth when reality hit. I too would not want to put my daughter in what could end up being a difficult situation for her. To the posters saying she's a responsible adult at 19 — legally, yes. But in neurological and life experience terms, no. Her brain is still forming. How good was their decision-making when they were 19?

If she's going to do it anyway, teach her basic assertiveness training techniques — how to say no clearly and firmly to an unreasonable request, for example. At least she'll be able to call you day or night and ask for help. When I was au pairing it was a case of making a very expensive international call and I went weeks without phoning home. Good luck to you both.

I think your DD sounds very sensible op. At the end of the day, he’s just a male. Many 18 year olds go to uni and share accommodation with men they have never met.

It’s a great idea to live in a great city, get a qualification, get work experience but also without having to struggle with paying for accommodation, which is what so many students and parents are dealing with atm.

Of course there's a risk and of course her Mum is going to have concerns. My DD spent a year abroad at a similar age, not as an au pair but you do worry about all the scenarios that could happen. She ended up having a fantastic time and it gave her great experience and opportunities but nothing is without risk.

If this man has references from previous au pairs/agencies then he's probably not an out and out creep. However being very recently widowed is a big change in circumstances. He certainly could be emotionally vulnerable to developing an attachment to the lovely young woman who becomes the new wife/mother/carer figure in the house. Your DD should be aware this could be a possibility. Conversely she could develop an attachment to this man and his child.

She doesn't have to write the job off but forewarned is forearmed and it would be prudent to build in a bit of a safety net in advance. If she has a good relationship with your family in Kent ask them beforehand to be part of her safety net.

Have everyone's numbers pre stored in her phone. Agree a code word she can text quickly if in an unsafe situation. Have an uber account set up/local taxi on speed dial. A bag with essentials and some cash that she could grab and go if needed. These sort of things can be useful for a young woman alone in a foreign city anyway so it won't hurt to have a plan.

How do you know those single guys weren't attempting to hit on young women in appropriately? Just saying.... In my experiences as a young woman being hit on where there was a power imbalance, the men seemed decent enough before they did it. They don't all wear a t-shirt saying "I'm a sleaze" on it. And if they do do something inappropriate, they tend not to broadcast it later. So, you're unlikely to hear about it, even if you think you know the man well.

I do believe not all men. But more than people think. I was on the receiving end for 25 years. Married ones, professional/senior ones, nice ones, horrid ones, seemingly vulnerable ones, 80 something ones who you see as a grandad figure...

Only relevant if the dad is as hot as Captain Von Trapp.

I have more experience with married men being creeps and rapists then single dads who have been awarded full custody of their daughters..

MN is a really bad place to come for advice if you have any kind if worry or anxiety about something because your concerns are either roundly dismissed or you're told you should be absolutely terrified - there's pretty much no in between.

Yes I agree. I wouldn't be happy either. My college friend did something similar, the wife worked away for long amounts of time so was rarely around. She ended up having an affair with the dad. She said she had bonded with him, as they spent alot of time together during the holidays. When the wife left her job for a local one a year later, she was at home alot more. The affair ended and my friend felt stupid and used. I do think there's an enhanced risk, when the wife's not around.

We only hear about the partners that are crap/disrespectful.

Yes, exactly.

MN (and other forums) can turn into a bit of an echo chamber when it comes to me because people generally don't post the good stuff.

Nobody in a happy, equal marriage is going to be asking for advice. Someone who had no problems with online dating isn't going to start a thread about it. Anyone who loves being a parent and never really struggles isn't going to post and say how hard it is.

Also, this is the internet - people lie and troll for attention!

Much of the stuff people post about is deeply irrational, though, and at least sometimes it’s probably salutary for posters to be told to cop on, that they’re unlikely to be stabbed, shot or blown up on a weekend in London spent mostly on the hop-on-hop-off bus and Madame Tussaud’s, or that going to the cinema alone isn’t going to involve the rest of the audience craning and staring at you as a weirdo Billy-no-mates.

It’s natural for the OP to be anxious her DD is going to live in another country. It’s irrational for her to think her DD should cancel this au pair setting because she doesn’t like it because it involves a widower. All she can do is have a frank conversation about potential issues and trust her daughter’s judgement.

How many male friends and relatives have you asked to babysit your children compared to female family and friends?

Wow, that's an incisive and insightful contribution to the discussion.

I was an au pair in the south of France aged 18 — two parents, two children. I still ended up falling for the dad. I didn’t do anything about it, but of my friends who also au paired ( some with the same agency, which used to call back the previous years crop to talk to new recruits, others I only met the following year on my languages degree, many of us having taken a year out between school and university), a scattering definitely did shag the dads. One shagged the children’s granddad, I remember, on a rather grand rural estate in Poitou.

I'd feel the same tbh. I think it's obviously riskier to be alone with an adult male and the dc.

Yes, it's a risk. Those saying it isn't are being very naive or obtuse

They really are. The level of naivety on this thread is breathtaking.

@GreekVases I wouldn't say most of it is deeply irrational - it's just that threads where someone is being OTT get the most traffic and attention.

But I'd personally never post on here for any kind of advice about a relationship because 90% of the time you're told one of three things - he's abusive, he's having an affair and LTB.

It's all very black and white and there doesn't seem to be any room for nuance or for anyone to just be a human at the end of their tether - they must be abusive instead.

I’m just here for leafy loaded SW London being described as ‘not the safest area’. A four storey house on Clapham Common?! Do people have no conception of London house prices? has vapours 🤣

There's risks with absolutely everything we do though - you have to weigh it up against the benefits.

Do you know more married men than single dads with full custody though? That would account for knowing more creepy married men, wouldn’t it?

Of course.

There are posters here decrying OP for thinking there’s a risk, though. Making absolutely ludicrous comments about sexism. Denying there is a risk just isn’t based in reality. Denying men are more likely to sexually harass women than other women are, just isn’t based in reality.

What’s caused you to be so fearful of men op? Yes there are bad ones, as there are bad women, but the vast majority are decent people. What happened to you to have you react like this?

Is that it £150 a week...