I don’t want my DD to be an Au Pair for a single dad

[Cyanbadmintonplayer]

Hi,
My DD is 19, we live in Germany but we are a British family. DD really wants to give a go at being an Au Pair for a couple of years while doing open uni.
Shes using an agency and has been matched with a single dad and his 7 year old daughter, from what I can gather no mother on the scene.

He wants DD to take his child to and from school everyday, and then to and from
clubs every evening bar 1 and Saturday.
No cleaning expectations, no need to drive (tube or taxi depending). She would need to make dinner for the child 4 days a week and a packed lunch for between activities on the Saturday. Occasional babysitting but this could come with an extra payment.
DD would get some time off over school holidays but would occasionally be asked to travel with them.
The pay would be £150 p/w, food and accommodation provided (large room with en-suite), travel card provided, phone bill paid for. DD would like to see if a gym membership would be possible on top of this but doesn’t want to be greedy.

It all sounds good I know but I hate the thought of her working for a single dad!
It seems a lot less safe and significantly riskier. I’m also worried that it might not be the safest area she’d be living in (London S/W).

AIBU thinking DD should wait it out for a different family and working for a single man is just too risky?

I worked as a Nanny for 10 years and of course socialised and befriended many other Nannies during that time. Let me tell you - married men can be absolute creeps! You just have to have very clear boundaries and shut down any flirting the second it happens the first time. I think there is a risk of this happening whether they are married or single Dads. Several (not all) of the Dads tried to be a bit flirty, suggestive……….. but I immediately shut it down and they never tried again after I gave a clear no. Your daughter just needs to be very professional and take no nonsense.

The only person I know who had an affair with their boss was a male Nanny I met who was shagging the Mum!!

OP I’ve just read your other posts, SW4/Clapham Common is a fab area, it sounds like he has at least a 4 storey house so must be well-off. Plus grandparents are around 👍

I’d be happier with a widower than someone who was a single dad for other reasons but do think she should speak to the previous aupairs just in case.

I think she should do it, she’ll have a great time 🙃

I totally agree!

Poor bloke.

I personally wouldn’t want to be cooking dinner 4 x a week, maybe Cook or similar meals 2 days. It is quite a lot for her on top of school and after school club pick ups.

I slightly despair of the low expectations on young adults.

At 19, like most of my peers, I was cooking dinner for myself 7 days a week at university while also working part time.

Several questions that I think would be important to ask, I think:

• Does the door to her room have a lock on it?
• Will she have a key to the front door?
• Will the phone bill be reimbursed or will the phone plan be in his name (if the latter, he will be able to see every number she has called/messaged)
• Why did previous au-pairs quit? Or were they fired?
• Will she be allowed use of the washing machine?

Not related to the job, but when I was a student I once viewed a room in a potential lodging situation. The room had two doors and no locks (I already knew my insurance would not accept this) and the man insisted on washing my clothes.

Needless to say, I did not take the room. I also heard that another female student stayed there only night. He came into her room with some lame excuse and she never stayed there again. Which is why the room was available in the first place.

As a (young) woman, you simply can't afford to lack a sense of self-preservation. Most men are not predators, but you only need to encouter one that is and you'll end up another statistic. This is not about man-bashing, this is about not taking needless risks in a world where women disappear at the hands of predatory men every damn day.

It’s an au pair @Mercurysinretrograde not a nanny!!!

Poor bloke what is he supposed to do for childcare then? And chances are he has a partner.

I think actually an au pair would be more “at risk” from a husband in a couple relationship. This guy if he’s single is able to go out and date.

Sounds like the plot of a RomCom... potentially staring Huge Grant.

Have a look at some photos and do some research on him, see how you feel then. This might have already been said but didn't read the other comments yet

She is an adult

you have no control over her anymore, which by the sounds of it is good for her x

Same issues I think whether he is married or not. I can understand your concern though generally.

I think it sounds like a fantastic opportunity!

She could run into difficulty no matter the household set up. Just make sure she has the mechanisms to withdraw from the situation if she needs to.

Even if they are not dangerous predators, a lot are fucking pain in the arse predators when you are that age.

When I was 21 and studying in France I could barely go to the shop without being catcalled in the street or having some bloke randomly ask me out. It wasn't flattering it was just annoying. I just wanted to go about my day without being sexually propositioned.

Sounds like a very well paid au-pair job. Guess thats because of the post Brexit lack of au-pairs. Wanting a gym membership on top of this does sound greedy.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain cooking dinner for yourself and the children is totally normal in an au pair role - it's hardly forced labour!

I agree, op. If it was my daughter I would prefer a woman to be present in the household too. Age 19 can still be quite young and naive. My 19 year old is fairly sensible overall but still makes some silly decisions.

I lived in France, too, in my 20s and I had multiple men stop me on the street and ask me if I'd like to get into their car and go home with them, as if they had mistaken me for a prostitute. That never happened in the UK.

Look, she might take the young daughter (and six others?) out onto the mountains to sing, make clothes out of curtains and fall in love with a handsome but sad, strict authoritarian single dad...

Sounds pretty good to me...

Except she's very young, unqualified and inexperienced. Sounds like she's landed on her feet with this position

This, I agree. Of course you are NOT being unreasonable, OP.
But I would agree that the concern is independent of the civil status of the man in question. I don't care if I seem sexist: more "sex realist" in my view.

Edited to add: these polls are absurd. If you have an intuition, you shouldn't expose it to the public opinion, you should deal with it because it's important. I agree that you have limited say in your (very young) adult daughter, but if something feels off, it is your duty as a mother to share it with her. Don't ask a bunch of randos on the internet (myself included) about something so crucial. Most of them have said you are being unreasonable: what are you going to do, stop listening to your gut feelings because some people on the internet clicked a button?
Intuitions are important. Mother's intuitions specially.

I understand your concerns. I'm a single mum and back in the days when I had au pairs I lost count of the ones who said that they/their parents were really happy about that.

Have a Zoom call with him (you should do that anyway). If he looks fine and your DD is happy with this go for it. Do you still have friends in London/the UK? If so make sure your DD knows she can contact you/them/someone if she has problems.

He's probably fine and problems are likely to be down to not getting on rather than creepiness but it's always good to have a plan.

Good luck and I hope she has a great time

Quite.

Also astounded that women on this thread are 100percent confident that they can discern a good un from a bad un via a nice chat.

I do think it is riskier.

I also thin an au pair job is quite a hard job, I did it once. Other options would be better.

No, I dont think she should. The pay is very generous for the hours and the job. I assume the payscale has shifted since Brexit as there are not many au-pairs around.
Your DD should reach out to previous au-pairs and ask them about their experiences.
Also, I think the hours are a good match for someone wanting to study in the free time.

The main thing for any aupair is to always have means to get out and go home or stay with someone if things go wrong. Unless you are stuck for lack of finances its not such a big deal. Less so in todays world with internet, social media etc. Was much harder 20 or 30 years ago, especially if you were a real foreign au-pair with little English and no money to go back home. London is also easy in that respect.

[speaking as a former au-pair and nanny]