I don’t want my DD to be an Au Pair for a single dad

[Cyanbadmintonplayer]

Hi,
My DD is 19, we live in Germany but we are a British family. DD really wants to give a go at being an Au Pair for a couple of years while doing open uni.
Shes using an agency and has been matched with a single dad and his 7 year old daughter, from what I can gather no mother on the scene.

He wants DD to take his child to and from school everyday, and then to and from
clubs every evening bar 1 and Saturday.
No cleaning expectations, no need to drive (tube or taxi depending). She would need to make dinner for the child 4 days a week and a packed lunch for between activities on the Saturday. Occasional babysitting but this could come with an extra payment.
DD would get some time off over school holidays but would occasionally be asked to travel with them.
The pay would be £150 p/w, food and accommodation provided (large room with en-suite), travel card provided, phone bill paid for. DD would like to see if a gym membership would be possible on top of this but doesn’t want to be greedy.

It all sounds good I know but I hate the thought of her working for a single dad!
It seems a lot less safe and significantly riskier. I’m also worried that it might not be the safest area she’d be living in (London S/W).

AIBU thinking DD should wait it out for a different family and working for a single man is just too risky?

This 'stop assuming every man is dangerous' nonsense has to stop.

I just saw this in the Guardian. The chief of the Met police is warning about it. It is absolutely sane, rational and reasonable for women to be concerned about their own, their childrens' and other women's safety.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/article/2024/jun/04/met-chief-says-millions-of-men-are-danger-to-women-and-girls-in-england-and-wales

Nothing is 100% safe, but this sounds quite fine - going through agency, ensuite bathroom, she knows the language, everything is above the board.

The shaming and mocking coming from other women for having perfectly rational concerns or reservations is particularly sinister

Yes, there are risks with everything we do.

But some risks have more consequences than others. Weighing it up, is a 19 year old, who is barely an adult, moving to a different country to live in a house with a single man she has never met a sensible risk?

Best case scenario there's no problems. Worst case, he rapes her and the rest of her life is significantly impacted by the ordeal. There are of course many scenarios in between, but would you be happy for your daughter to take that risk?

Agency takes a cut though.

My DD was an au pair in Italy, the family asked to meet her and her entire family over zoom before accepting her and gave us all a grilling. Can you not arrange something similar?

Your title needs to be changed to a widowed dad.

YABU

Blarneytalk · Today 10:05
Your title needs to be changed to a widowed dad.

I’d somehow missed that detail. So a presumably fairly young father is coming to terms with losing his partner and trying to provide a stable upbringing for his little girl and the first thing some people on here think about him is that he’s obviously going to try it on with the au pair, or worse.

Good god.

.

We had Au Pairs for years and were always happy to do several video calls with them and their parents beforehand, as it’s pretty common for the parents of young women to be concerned about where their daughter would be going.

Also we had visits/holidays from parents, friends, boyfriends etc over the years and they were welcomed to stay for a few days.

I don’t think it’s odd to have a bit of an extended connection with family if it helps everyone feel safe.

Ours were always through an agency.

🤣🤣🤣

Can your daughter ever have a guest to stay?
She can always quit if the employer is a creep.
The employment agency would have some safety checks and emergency numbers surely.
I think she will enjoy it for a time.

Au pairing needn't be boring either. The good agencies have what's app groups and encourage au pairs to meet up and socialise.
DD walked into a ready made social scene.

Definitely!
The Au Pairs we had were all (except one who was very, very shy) keen on joining in with social events. They also made local friends

Many people have no clue about au pairs and the going rate. Your dd has a good deal. The pay for au pairs is supposed to be pocket money and they do not pay rent, which is why the pay is less. If they had to pay rent for a room in London that would be several hundred pounds, plus food costs add up. So in the end it is a good deal. We have had au pairs the last few years and the rate you mention is a good one.

This indeed.

Some posters are extremely naive.

and even worse, posters who are blinded by the posh postcode/big house! Predators come from all socio economic backgrounds.

It doesn’t seem like the child’s mother is involved. Unless she’s dead, this is a red flag.

Do you have much experience with men?

Being a single father who was widowed has got absolutely nothing to do with whether a man is going to fancy his young, attractive au pair.

He could be happily married and fancy her (see the stories in this thread) or widowed, or rich & handsome and able to have anyone he wants.

It makes no odds.

😂

Maybe she's read Jane Eyre,

Some hilarious naivety here about the quite specific risks men pose to young women. It's not sexist it's based on very specific risks of male violence that are heavily evidenced.

most men are single because they are narcissists.

Say what?

Yup. One can only conclude that these posters are men, or young women who don't understand how the world works yet.

In which case, check the attic for locked rooms, and keep alert for mysterious laughs and spontaneous fires, and then run away, starve on Hampstead Heath, discover some long-lost cousins and have a goodlooking blond religious maniac propose marriage to you because he thinks you’d be a good missionary?

The man sounds like he is very well organised and is trying to keep his daughter's life as normal as possible. London is a lovely city with plenty to do, much of it free. Sounds like a great set up for her, decent pocket money, in a central location and plenty time for her to study and have her own experiences.

In addition it's a 7 year old girl so that's a really nice easy fit as an au pair. She should look up gym membership (reasonably priced) and ask if he would include that, he may already be a member of a gym, but it shouldn't be a deal breaker for her.

Do you know what an au pair is?

It’s hard being a single parent OP, I wouldn’t knock him yet. I do think you do need to meet him and get to know him first to put your mind at rest.

An ensuite bedroom, travel card and only one child to look after is quite a good deal, plus SW London is generally lovely depending on area. I’ve lived here for over 40 years, if you want to PM me re. the area, please feel free.

I’ve also thought, she’s expected to dinner for both the child and herself, will the dad want a share of that dinner too?

I personally wouldn’t want to be cooking dinner 4 x a week, maybe Cook or similar meals 2 days. It is quite a lot for her on top of school and after school club pick ups.

As @WrinklyScrotum says the area is generally very nice. There are some streets I wouldn’t be 100% happy about going walking in by myself until I knew the area better but I’ve lived there and my DM grew up there and grandad lived there for years before gentrification.