Teach me the art of getting a guy interested?

[Lordsoftheboards]

A man from work in his late 30s. I've kinda seen him around a few times but didn't really know him.. anyway we went on a work event together on the weekend and seemed to get on really well, I heard him saying to someone he was single.

We were both on the WhatsApp group and I thought I'd go for it and send him a casual private msg. He seemed happy I'd text him and then started texting me more, asking questions, joking etc.

He took a while to reply to the last one saying shit sorry I meant to reply earlier. I was breezy and then sent a jokey reply to a joke he'd made.

That was two days ago and he hasn't replied (there was stuff to reply to) but has been online a lot. Ahh well.

I didn't send essays, I didn't just talk about myself of come across as desperate in any way.

I don't think there's anything I could've done differently but this has happened a couple of times, well twice, this year. I just don't know how to get men interested. I'm attractive etc, I just don't know. I'm being myself, it's just tough.

Unfortunately, yeah.

The trick is to show slight interest, then withdraw. My old (bastard) flatmate once said 'we pursue what retreats'.

It is a delicate dance. You need to show enough interest that makes him think 'ok, maybe there's a decent chance she won't knock me back' but be elusive enough to create uncertainty. And it's subtle. As a PP said, even eye contact is enough.

So much of today's dating discourse tells women they can be proactive, chase the man, be the one to suggest the date etc. And yes, that works sometimes. But it doesn't work a lot of the time. It's not fair. But it's how things are.

It's shit, I've been there and I hated it.

If that's honestly true then I'd just rather stay single. I'd like to think that right man won't stop liking me because I dared to ask him out, especially one in their 30s, not a bloody teenager.

Also I'm not some sort of bloody praying mantis who needs to do some sort of mating call with my prey.

And me asking someone out doesn't mean that I wouldn't lose interest either, not sure why he thinks, right she'd like to go on a date, that's it she's mad about me. It's all ridiculous.

Because they think they might get a quick shag.

I’ve seen girls messages on dating apps and they are forward. 🙈

So us normal women are trying to build normal relationships by just being ‘normal’ and other women are saying things like ‘can I fuck you with your captain America helmet on’ ( yep I’ve actually seen this)

Ive decided to come of all and not date. Spend the rest of the year really working on myself - and I’ve had 2 men message me. I think it’s because I’m giving off ‘can’t be arsed vibes’

Men are weird

From my perspective and that of all of my friends, that’s totally wrong.

if we’re interested we won’t be put off by a woman asking. You doing the asking is good, it’s proactive, it’s nice to be asked, it’s nice you’re keen.

don’t play stupid games. Ask someone out if you want, don’t if you don’t.

from what you’ve said you messaged this bloke, great, then didn’t ask questions, sent short closed answers then when he tailed off, decided to leave it. I bet he’s wondering why you don’t seem to like him.

I really think you’re giving all of this far too much headspace. The men you’re referring to more recently aren’t even men you were dating, and yet you’re allowing these interactions define how you view yourself as a prospective partner. Why? If you were being completely honest, how much time do you spend pondering men and/or why you’re single? Because it really shouldn’t be so prominent an issue.

I realise it’s very easy to say just stop obsessing about something, but I do think you just need to find something else to channel your energies into. And perhaps that something else needs to be therapy and establishing a great relationship with yourself.

If you have no positive romantic exchanges to reflect upon then there’s clearly something in you that needs fixing; you’re the common denominator. And your almost infantile reactions to someone not reciprocating your interest in them - as is evident in you having repeatedly said that you’re done with men forever - need to be addressed and worked through.

You can only allow others to disrespect you if you don’t respect yourself.

You ve done nothing wrong op.
It's just one of those things.

Well no, if this is the case he wasn't put off by you asking him out. He didn't fancy you so turned down the date and withdrew from the chat so as not to lead you on/ cause problems at work.

If there had been interest there, he would have been happy to be asked. Especially as discussed, because it's more delicate at work.

If there was a dim passing intrigue that was extinguished by being asked on a date then it would never have become something worthwhile.

If it's the guy who says he doesn't date at work then that may be entirely true and he may have withdrawn knowing you were interested because that's his policy.

Just be straightforward, yourself. Respect people's boundaries but keep putting yourself out there. Asking someone out on a date is not chasing them. Continuing to do so without reciprocated enthusiasm is. Don't mistake being a complete passenger with showing a bit of restraint. You can both ask a man out and hold back a bit to see if he asks you next time. With the right man you won't have to wait long at all

OP, I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong with this guy yet. But, when I was dating 10+ years ago my rule was that you get one chance per workplace, because you absolutely don’t want to get a reputation for pimping yourself around the whole place looking for anyone who will bite. I don’t mean that in an old-fashioned misogynistic way, it’s an equally unprofessional look for men. And I actually think if anything you need to be more careful now than ten years ago, because there is so much more awareness about unwanted contact, harassment etc. if he hasn’t made it crystal clear that he’s interested and welcomes your interest, leave it. It’s too professionally risky.

He did reply though! Just a couple of days later. He didn't ignore you. Perhaps he wasn't sure where it was all leading.

I think you should leave it now, because the whole flow of the thing isn't quite happening but nothing terrible happened here, you got on well in person, you messaged him, he went a bit quiet for two days and then sent you a message, whereupon you got in a sulk and replied with no question/interest and it all faded away.

I say this as I'm the kind of person who goes in a sulk and says things like 'I'll never bother with men again', but it is quite a childish reaction, I do that as well when I feel vulnerable. I think having a counsellor to chat through some of your feelings about yourself and how vulnerable dating makes you might help, I have to fight the urge not to behave in a very over-reactive manner myself, so I do understand.

Sorry OP but this isn't what's coming across.

You've overreacted to what is a fairly inconsequential occurrence. You've talked repeatedly about how much you're "done" and said you may as well "top yourself". You seem to be swinging between anger at a perceived slight, and complete despair.

I would really really recommend some therapy to address these feelings of low self esteem and hopeless, because what you're saying at the moment is not healthy in any way.

This. Read Robert Green. People don’t like him but in my experience he has a great grasp on human nature especially the stuff we try to rationalise and pretend doesn’t happen these days because we are way to civilised for it.

Op, I've read your previous threads on this.

I think you should class work as off limits, dating wise.

Don't.Be.Desperate.

But this man hasn’t even rejected you? You’ve just exchanged a few general messages? And because he’s not messaging you quick enough your upset?

@qotsa your advice should just be
GO WITH THE FLOW
:D

I was always slightly put off eager texters as you don’t want to upset them by committing too early and then deciding against it. Especially as it is really awkward if they are at work! If you text someone and they respond, reply with an emoji or a very brief answer that requires no response. Then wait for them to initiate the next time. A bit like if you chatted to a female colleague, you might send a quick follow up joke but it would be a bit suffocating to send more than a couple of messages.

Yeah that'd fair, I mean that's what I did really, I didn't send tons of stuff or reply immediately etc. I literally just matched their energy.

I have a friend at work who sent me 29 texts in a row once!

Place marking!

I think this is a good point. By all means ask this one out as you've made contact now but after that as I say, focus elsewhere.