Teach me the art of getting a guy interested?

[Lordsoftheboards]

A man from work in his late 30s. I've kinda seen him around a few times but didn't really know him.. anyway we went on a work event together on the weekend and seemed to get on really well, I heard him saying to someone he was single.

We were both on the WhatsApp group and I thought I'd go for it and send him a casual private msg. He seemed happy I'd text him and then started texting me more, asking questions, joking etc.

He took a while to reply to the last one saying shit sorry I meant to reply earlier. I was breezy and then sent a jokey reply to a joke he'd made.

That was two days ago and he hasn't replied (there was stuff to reply to) but has been online a lot. Ahh well.

I didn't send essays, I didn't just talk about myself of come across as desperate in any way.

I don't think there's anything I could've done differently but this has happened a couple of times, well twice, this year. I just don't know how to get men interested. I'm attractive etc, I just don't know. I'm being myself, it's just tough.

You said it's happened to you twice this year? That's rookie numbers.

How many men do you meet that you think "Ooh, I'm really interested in him!" Shall we say 5 percent? Well that's what you're working with too. So in every 100 men, 5 of them are likely to be interested in you.

Unfortunately, a lot of those men who will be interested in you, you won't be interested. So you're actually looking at 5% of 5%. Thats 0.5%. So out of every 400 men you meet, there's probably 1 who will like you as much as you like them.

Finding a partner is a numbers game, the odds are stacked against you. They're stacked against all of us. Luckily theres a lot of potentials out there, you just have to keep getting back on the horse to find the needle in a haystack. (Yay, mixed metaphors!)

This happened to a friend of mine, and it turned out the bloke wasn't actually single. He obviously liked the attention, but guilt or whatever got the better of him!

My best friend has an excellent saying - feelings don’t care about the facts.
If someone is interested in you, it’s because of how they feel; it’s not logical. So trying to understand this is pointless. People’s feelings can change quickly, slowly or not at all. Please don’t waste your time trying to understand him - if you’re going to try and understand anyone, let it be yourself.

Also, I’ve often changed my mind in the course of an hour when it comes to the pizza/curry choice ☺️

I think phones have made all this so much harder. And unsexier! All this messaging - how can you charm someone of the opposite sex on a bit of plastic? Do you get to see him at work or is this whole thing on the end of a phone? If you can, try to flash a bit of charisma (!) in his direction in the flesh, then you can flirt, smile, laugh, walk away. You’re not the problem, modern technology is. (Harumph, feeling old)

This is good advice. Offer distinctly second rate slots initially eg: coffee, before lunch, lunch date before evening, cinema before dinner. Midweek before wekend. Having said all of that sometimes if you really fancy each other you can dispense with all that and just go to bed...

You're doing the right thing by deleting his number. He's got yours and he knows where you are if he wants to pursue you.

But it's just one of those things. Not everyone is going to have the time or inclination to get to know you with a view to getting in a relationship. It's disappointing when you liked someone but you don't really know him. It was all pie in the sky, ultimately. Probably he would have turned out to be a pain in the arse in lots of ways.

@Lordsoftheboards it's not you. Gaurantee he may well be 'single' but he is interested in someone and she is getting priority currently. May seem like I'm generalising but men like to keep their options open and I suspect he does indeed like you, but has another situation ongoing.

Message him to say you enjoyed his company and would he fancy a drink. If he says yes, all good. if he's says no, or stalls, then move on.
I honestly don't think its worth trying to coax and enthuse a man who isn't that bothered. It's hard work and can lead to more trouble than it's worth if they're the type to just go along with it out of boredom, or for want of a better offer. Because they'll drop you like a hot brick when someone they are more interested in comes along.

First two replies have it 100%. It really is as simple as that.

You sent first text- fine.
Then let him take the initiative. Don’t be too keen.

It is a while since I have been single but 22 years ago I "met" several ladies on OLD. I met a few and there was another who kept chatting to me on the site. Very like texts or whatsapp. We chatted for a couple of months, sometimes a few dozen or more messages each day, sometimes a day or two with no messages.
We eventually arranged to meet and go for a meal. We chatted for hours over coffee after the meal. Two years later we got married. We still talk a lot.

I mean I sent the first text and he replied keenly, convo flowed. Texts were just normal, I wasn't too keen in any way. He just randomly stopped.

Follow Michelle Elman on social media. She does dating series and gives advice about this kind of stuff.
I saw her say how when she’s chatting to a guy she’ll arrange a phone call quite early on, rather than just back and forth messaging. I guess in a similar way if you met someone at work I’d focus more on chatting at work before getting into the chats too deeply via WhatsApp etc maybe?
I met my husband at work and we eventually started messaging outside of work after we had spent time chatting at work so knew we’d want to have deeper chats. I didn’t reply to one of his messages (I thought I had, but somehow hadn’t, so he thought I’d ghosted him. But I thought he hadn’t replied to my message and thought he’d ghosted me!). Anyway, we bumped into each other at work and chatted again and then got back to chatting outside of work again.
If you like him them just be casual and friendly at work and if he’s interested he’ll message you.

Go out in real life... face to face chat.

Agree with Neuro's advice and Crucu's recommendation. The Rules are a bit of a cringe read BUT sound principles in my experience.

I honestly just don't understand what I did that didn't follow 'the rules'? I didn't text him repeatedly, after he ignored me I deleted his number.

Sounds fine to me.

You may just be having some bad luck. People imagine that nice looking young women find dating really easy but sometimes it just doesn’t go your way. I am firmly middle aged but remember having a really dry period where everyone I liked either had a girlfriend, wasn’t interested, led me a merry dance or was just a fuckwit.

All the dating apps probably don’t help. They weren’t a thing when I was in my twenties. He may be talking to a few women at the same time.

It's 2024and you work together. He may be worried that
if he expresses an interest and has miss read the signs you will complain about him
He is waiting for clearer signs that you are interested
He is gay
He is not interested in that way
Men feel that they can no longer approach women as they get called creeps

What I am saying is that you might have to bite the bullet and ask him out

But you’ve had precisely one in-person interaction and e changed a couple of WhatsApps. There’s no ongoing relationship or investment. It is pretty much ‘I fancied a pizza earlier but now I’d rather a curry’.

He's just text me back, bit late like.

I’m massively dating myself but at least the men I was interested in dating liked to be the one to chase! If he answers again let it go a while. Don’t be so accommodating.

Funnily he's just answered like 5 mins ago, I deffo won't be rushing to reply!

I dunno, I don’t think a two day delay in replying is all that bad. It’s casual at this stage.

If you choose to reply, leave it a day before doing so. What are you doing tomorrow? Say that you had some stuff on

I’ve never asked a guy out! I’ve always made it quite obvious I like someone through longer than necessary looks, smiles etc. If they were interested they asked me out.

I have a different opinion to others here, I say if you like him just ask if he'd like to go for a coffee or something.

No point beating around the bush playing the "let him chase me" game. He could like you but be wondering the same thing as you and not want to look too keen. Who knows.

Just ask him out. Like ripping off a plaster. He'll either say yes and then you go out, or he'll say no and you'll know where you stand and move on. What's the worst that can happen? :)