Teach me the art of getting a guy interested?

[Lordsoftheboards]

A man from work in his late 30s. I've kinda seen him around a few times but didn't really know him.. anyway we went on a work event together on the weekend and seemed to get on really well, I heard him saying to someone he was single.

We were both on the WhatsApp group and I thought I'd go for it and send him a casual private msg. He seemed happy I'd text him and then started texting me more, asking questions, joking etc.

He took a while to reply to the last one saying shit sorry I meant to reply earlier. I was breezy and then sent a jokey reply to a joke he'd made.

That was two days ago and he hasn't replied (there was stuff to reply to) but has been online a lot. Ahh well.

I didn't send essays, I didn't just talk about myself of come across as desperate in any way.

I don't think there's anything I could've done differently but this has happened a couple of times, well twice, this year. I just don't know how to get men interested. I'm attractive etc, I just don't know. I'm being myself, it's just tough.

I don't even want rich. My expectations are honest, direct, kind, likes to have a laugh, up for doing stuff, not bad tempered. Probably more but that's generally it. Just someone warm who's pleasant to be around, no drugs or excessive drinking.

Don't take it to heart. I'm guessing if he's late 30s he's maybe happy being single and perhaps quite fussy or waiting for someone who is 100% the one.

I think there are 2 types - serial monogomists who will always be looking for someone and those who are happy with their own company.

You didn't do anything wrong

Anything could have happened

Maybe his ex, or someone he was previously keen on resurfaced.

Maybe his cat died

Maybe he's had family stuff going on

Maybe he had a random thought about something and decided not to pursue it, or to not pursue anything this week

Maybe he enjoyed the texting you did but suddenly realised it was getting deeper and that he wasn't really feeling it for anything further than that, so it was time to draw a line under it.

Maybe he suddenly thought 'What if I'm just imagining she's interested and actually it might be inappropriate to hit on a colleague'

It could be literally anything, and the chances are it's nothing to do with you or anything you did.

The vast majority of texting, OLD conversations and flirting dies out for whatever reason. Until one day it doesn't.

Did you actually make it clear with this man (I'm not interested in the last) that this was a romantic or sexual overture, or even an attempt to get to know him personally as opposed to passing the time of day? As @C1N1Cpoints out, he may not be keen to mix work and pleasure proactively but may accept a direct invitation.

You may need to be a bit clearer about what you want here rather than waiting to be chased given that it's work and you've chosen to start this over text.

You're veering between despondency and intensity, checking times online etc, and I'm not certain you've been clear what you want from this man. Yes, men will often take the hint but in the workplace? They might be a bit more circumspect. To be honest, it's not somewhere I've ever looked for partners. Too much potential for awkwardness if it doesn't work out

You're right, it was just mundane chat tbh, it could've just been innocent though I'd have thought me starting the convo would've been a sign ?

See I liked someone from work half a year ago and he rejected me because of the potential awkwardness as he said. Every single person bar a couple rushed to tell me it was just an excuse and he definitely didn't fancy me. The only one who believed him was my Mum lol

Sorry OP but you come across as a bit...desperate. Like every man you meet is a potential date and it's just not the case. I divorced at 30 so I know it's hard dating in your 30s again, the pool is a bit more limited.

You need to work on your self esteem and confidence first. Get on with your life.

There are no "rules". A man either likes you or not and there are 100 reasons why he wouldn't date you and they have nothing to do with you. And you need to like him too, you seem to give too much time to crumbs of attention from a random man.

And absolutely do not look for romance in the office. Most people (men and women) would avoid dating someone they even vaguely work with like the plague.

Nope, definitely not desperate. Plenty I'm not attracted to and I've turned some down too!

I'm always getting on with my life, I have a great life, I'm literally talking about men from age 24- now which is 33.

You’re not bothered about him
but you made a whole thread about every breath on here. Right.

I would take that at face value and not allow it to chip your confidence. I mean, if it had been love at first sight maybe he would have made an exception but it sounds like he had a personal boundary around dating at work. Could have been a polite excuse, sure, but I'm the same and I know plenty that are.

With this bloke, if you like him, invite him for a drink or coffee. Bring it into the real world rather than agonising over texts. If he says no thanks or makes an excuse that's fine. You know what that means. But at the moment he may be wondering why you're in touch, possibly interested but not wanting to overstep the mark at work.

If it's a no I would perhaps expand your horizons outside work though. Are you OLD?

I'll never know the truth tbh, it doesn't matter anymore like but he did seem interested and then went cold overnight like a fish. He claimed it had been very awkward when the last break up at work ended and that he was a bit insecure about still living at home etc.
I'll take it with a pinch of salt anyway.

You're right, maybe I should just be more forward and ask him, as tbh he is the type to have a lot of female friends, he chats to a lot of women at work so it could be innocent.

I've deleted my apps as I just hate OLD sadly. I know it's worked for a lot of people but I just disike it.

So... some men have been interested, but you've turned them down? You said earlier

What I mean is that it's not the end of the world if this one individual or the other doesn't like me, it's when none of them seem to.

which obviously isn't true, as you've had men asking you out. Also, you had the right to turn them down and had your own reasons for that. Does it mean you think badly of them? Probably not, you just weren't into them, or too busy, or not in a dating space, or whatever. Guys that turn you down are just the same. Don't take it as a personal insult.

I’ve done all the red flag messaging that you’ve said here, I’m just unapologetically myself. I’ve never had any issue with attracting and keeping men. It could be lots of things but the way you message won’t put them off if they are interested in you.

Sorry you're having a hard time - dating is hard! Agree with most here, if a guy is interested you will always know it. This guy probably thought you were hot, but wasn't interested enough for a serious relationship and doesn't want to pursue something casual with a colleague due to the trouble it could bring.

I don't think that being attractive is everything either, I think most guys just have a minimum bar for attractiveness and after that it actually is personality. Maybe try picking up some hobbies that are more traditionally male activities. Something that you genuinely like and would be happy to talk for hours about. Finding an eligible male ballerina would be pretty hard ;)

Beyond that my main thoughts are a bit obvious. Avoid bragging and whining at all costs. Be kind to everyone, not just the people you're interested in. Be honest. Listen to people. Enjoy life. That sort of thing.

I do have a lot in common with these men, we always have a lot to talk about and they said they really liked talking to me so I'm just not sure :(

See, I disagree, honestly no disrespect meant at all but don't keep looking. Just try to be happy as you are. Try to enjoy being single and make the most of it. Have fun. Don't give off any vibes that you are looking. Ime that's when I've had the most interest. I really feel like people I speak to who are really looking for someone, give off some sort of vibe - but then obviously IRL it's hard not to when you really want to meet someone - so I'm not helpful at all.

I read this book years ago and thought it was excellent advice of how to get a guy interested:

Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship: Amazon.co.uk: Argov, Sherry: 0045079207561: Books

This, all of this.

See I have no idea how I can show a certain level of interest without giving off the impression I'm looking? Literally how? I don't get it at all.

But he is interested? He's texting you back? I think your expectations are a bit too high tbh.

Stop being a martyr and just carry on the conversation

It might sound stupid but I just do not understand. Like if you go around saying oh I'm desperate for a husband/marriage/children then yeah ok. But most people aren't doing that, I'm literally striking up normal conversation with people.
I talk about hobbies and current affairs, I have a busy life.
I just don't get what people are on about but people seem to be saying you should act a bit more aloof/uninterested.
However wouldn't most guys think you're not interested and move on? I almost find it creepy that a man sees a woman is being aloof and sees it as more of a challenge? That just reminds me of men in their 20s that I dared tbh.

I think a man was put off at the start of the year because I text him suggesting a date.
Apparently I should've said nothing and then he might've thought 'ooh I don't know if she's interested so I am more interested now'. It's depressing and I'm no good at all this stuff so better to just stay single.

And finally, it's not even a case of looking, it's happening to meet people you're attracted to. I wasn't necessarily looking at work when I started fancying these two men.

Well, I can’t claim to have read this quality tome, but the title is deeply silly. The opposite of ‘doormat’ isn’t ‘bitch’.

Though this is a bafflingly widespread myth among Mners, who often struggle with people-pleasing, boundaries and relationships in general.

The way to get some people to like you/be attracted to you (and they will be a minority, obviously, because not everyone likes everyone — the person to get near-universal semi-approval is so bland everyone is just ‘Meh’ about them, the magnolia paint of personalities) is to be strongly grounded and at ease in yourself, and to approach all new/potential friendship and relationships with curiosity and openness, but, crucially, from the point of view of ‘Are you interesting to me?’ rather than ‘Do you like me? Am I impressing you?’

No, because (as some of us have said, multiple times), if he had fancied you he wouldn't have been put off. It's really hard to accept that 'he's just not that into you', but it is often the unfortunate truth. I feel like you're not really listening to advice OP, if you just want to moan and feel sorry for yourself then fine, but if you actually want advice then start taking it on board.

I just don't get what people are on about but people seem to be saying you should act a bit more aloof/uninterested.

Okay so some people are saying this, but some of us are saying don't play games, but actually be less interested and more aloof. This is why I suggest dating more often, not less. The more options you have, the less intense you come across.

I met DH at 27 (now 34) after a string of chasing unsuitable men (who sometimes did like me back, but were never going to work out) and bad Tinder dates, and it was as easy as breathing.