Teach me the art of getting a guy interested?

[Lordsoftheboards]

A man from work in his late 30s. I've kinda seen him around a few times but didn't really know him.. anyway we went on a work event together on the weekend and seemed to get on really well, I heard him saying to someone he was single.

We were both on the WhatsApp group and I thought I'd go for it and send him a casual private msg. He seemed happy I'd text him and then started texting me more, asking questions, joking etc.

He took a while to reply to the last one saying shit sorry I meant to reply earlier. I was breezy and then sent a jokey reply to a joke he'd made.

That was two days ago and he hasn't replied (there was stuff to reply to) but has been online a lot. Ahh well.

I didn't send essays, I didn't just talk about myself of come across as desperate in any way.

I don't think there's anything I could've done differently but this has happened a couple of times, well twice, this year. I just don't know how to get men interested. I'm attractive etc, I just don't know. I'm being myself, it's just tough.

I have asked out a few men, but again relatively low stakes eg: " fancy a drink ?" or " are you going to X tonight/ on saturday ?". Not dinner, not cinema, definately not "netflix and chill".

I don’t really subscribe to the “rules” or any of that crap. I would literally just ask a guy out and be 100% honest. Just say, hey I’m interested in you, are you interested in going on a date? Are you looking for a relationship? Then you’ll get a straight answer without all of this faffing about.

I wouldn't ask him out.

I'd let him do the asking.

If he doesn't, he's not all that interested. Most men have zero trouble going after what they want, in that way.

I don't think a situation has ever really gone my way when I asked a man out.

There are various reasons behind that phenomenon.

The thing is, if you got along as well as you think you did over that weekend I think he would have contacted you first. He said he was single, so if you did make an impression he would have texted you.

What kind of relationship do you want? Do you want to play games, ignore his messages, make yourself a prize to be won? Then wonder why he gets bored later on when there is nothing to chase?

Or do you want someone who treats you with respect, has an equal emotional intelligence to you, and wants to be with you because you’re a great person, not because you play games and ignore messages?

Personally I prefer the latter, so I’d just be upfront about what you are looking for.

Honestly, I think you’re getting way too attached to, or invested in, these men that you barely know and - frankly - don’t seem to show any genuine interest. I think only you know why that might be. Low self-esteem? Dysfunctional attachment style?

You seem to want to desperately come across as being super chill and as though these fleeting exchanges with men aren’t major, but then in your opening gambit you make it clear you’ve been regularly checking to see whether he’s online on WhatsApp or not. I’m not trying to dig you out, more highlight that your actions and words are at odds with one another.

My advice would be to work on your self-worth before you even start thinking about a relationship. Or, on the other end of the spectrum, date way more men. Hopefully
then you’ll not develop these peculiar one-sided attachments and thus reduce the risk of disappointment/catastrophising when they aren’t as keen as you. And also, hopefully you will meet someone who likes you for you, irrespective of how long you take to reply because, trust me, when they actually like you they don’t go running for the hills because you message them straight back.

I appreciate your response, thank you. It's just that nobody has ever loved me enough. I've had relationships but for instance with my last ex, he didn't want any commitment with me even after 4 years of living together.

I'm always the one they find attractive but just don't have feelings for. I do think I've got a lot to offer and they could do so much worse, but clearly they don't.

I think it’s great that you know what you bring to the table. Hold on to that, it’s so important to value yourself.

I don’t know, maybe you’re just not picking the good ones; the ones who are emotionally available to you and not just physically attracted? I’m not sure how you remedy that though. It’s tough going trying to find a single man in his 30s that isn’t either a bit of an oddball, endlessly self-absorbed, or in some way broken by past relationships. It’s an unenviable task and I admire you for persevering.

Nice ones do exist though, you’ve just got to hang in there if a relationship is what you really want. Maybe just try and figure out a way to protect yourself emotionally until you know they’re as into you as you are them - there must be a Instagrammer or TikTokker out there with some tips on it!

Whatever you do, look after yourself. All the best.

If you’re making the first move with these men then it’s because they are not really that interested. It sounds harsh but true - you will 100 % know when they are really attracted to you as they will want to see more of you and pursue you - you wouldn't be doing the work. Men have egos and they will be flattered you are texting them hence the initial responses but the reason it never goes further is just that- they have interests elsewhere. Just remember if it’s on offer they don’t tend to say no either , even if they have no real interest beyond that.
Next time you get chemistry with a guy ditch the coffee & film stuff - just go for a drink together in a pub. It if feels good one drink will turn into another and it will just be natural fun.
I think you’re not noticing the men that ARE finding you attractive when you are out or at work, maybe not being open with them back or picking up on the signals - I think you might give the impression of being unavailable so they don’t bother. Reflect on that and good luck! It will happen OP xx

You have my sympathies and I really hope you meet the right man who values and cherishes you.
Personally I would forget phone messaging and just chat normally with him when you see him, take your time and really try to find our if he's worth your affections.

For what it's worth I never made the first move or ever asked a man out but always let things evolve naturally.

Thank you. Letting things evolve naturally, does that mean they asked you out? As I guess at some point, someone asks someone out right?

He's replied to you. Give a polite reply back, then let him suggest something to do. Play a bit disinterested. Pull back a bit and if he's interested, he'll make the next move.

I replied back with just a short sentence, no questions or anything.
He put a laughing emoji, that's it, end of convo. Ahh well.

OP I mean this kindly but you come across as quite invested in this and a bit intense and people can sort of “smell” it. It affects your demeanour and how you act with people.

As a PP said the key to this is being comfortable with yourself and relaxed about what happens with everyone you meet and then you come across as being in control. It doesn’t mean being a bitch or playing games but just willing yourself with all your fibre to not give a shit about how you are seen.

Basically the more you appear to care and invest in the opinions of others, the less interested they will be. This isn’t something you can fake, it has to come from within and from learning to put yourself first and not to give one single second of attention to how you come across to others.

I think some counselling might be a good idea: you need to learn to centre yourself and your needs and stop worrying about how others see you.

I understand why you say that, but I don't see how I have with him. I literally sent him a short message and didn't ask any questions, now the chat has ended and I've no interest in continuing it.

I'm not even particularly bothered about him per se, I just don't seem to have men interested.

It doesn't mean I care desperately what they think, it is just a little disheartening when you feel like it's happened so much.

What I mean is that it's not the end of the world if this one individual or the other doesn't like me, it's when none of them seem to.

With my DH we had an approx 2 min walk to the train station twice a week, we just chatted.
Then one day he said he was having friends round for dinner would I like to join them. I said yes, still no commitment on either side.

Then I let him find pretexts to spend time with me. He offered dinner a few times, I didn't always accept. He invited me to his place to watch a program we were both watching, I watched then left without anything happening.

I didn't play hard to get on purpose but I genuinely wanted to get to know him properly. It is much easier in your twenties though.

Why is it so much easier in your 20s?

Honestly I am giving up in any case. I'm no longer caring if anyone's interested, because i won't be interested in them either.
Just focusing on my friends and family.

Advice is always conflicted. I've been told to some to treat dating like a full-time job.
A lot of people seem to advocate not giving a toss. Sadly if I'm interested in someone I am. It doesn't mean I'm desperate, creepy and OTT, it just means it's not necessarily that easy to act like you couldn't care less about them.
I'm told to get out there and talk to men, then I'm told to let them come and talk to me by other people.

Because in my case with my DH we both had separate social lives that made it easier to ask the the other to join eg. My DH having friends round for dinner. I went as I was interested in him but also knew I'd meet other people if it didn't work out with him with no awkwardness.

One time he asked what I was doing that weekend and I was going to a party and I said he could come if he wanted. So it wasn't a date in the strictest of senses but we were out together.
Parties are now once in a blue moon.

Don't give up. Personally I found the whole thing fun.

He's texting someone else. You will hear from him again in a few weeks probably something related to work as a way to strike up conversation.

Why not ask him for a coffee? If the worse comes to the worse its only an hour after work on a Friday that you will never get back

I suspect that its easier for a woman to ask especially if its a workmate

Be yourself and ignore the childish game playing suggestions

I don't think you've done anything wrong, OP, but when you put yourself out there, you have no idea if the other person has a girlfriend, just started up with someone else, isn't sure what they want, is super-busy, planning to move to Australia next year, you just don't know. You threw out a line to see if he was interested, he chatted a bit and it hasn't gone anywhere- yet. There's nothing wrong with what you did, it's just not happening this time around. Be friendly at work, don't cut off your nose to spite your face (I would do this).