Teach me the art of getting a guy interested?

[Lordsoftheboards]

A man from work in his late 30s. I've kinda seen him around a few times but didn't really know him.. anyway we went on a work event together on the weekend and seemed to get on really well, I heard him saying to someone he was single.

We were both on the WhatsApp group and I thought I'd go for it and send him a casual private msg. He seemed happy I'd text him and then started texting me more, asking questions, joking etc.

He took a while to reply to the last one saying shit sorry I meant to reply earlier. I was breezy and then sent a jokey reply to a joke he'd made.

That was two days ago and he hasn't replied (there was stuff to reply to) but has been online a lot. Ahh well.

I didn't send essays, I didn't just talk about myself of come across as desperate in any way.

I don't think there's anything I could've done differently but this has happened a couple of times, well twice, this year. I just don't know how to get men interested. I'm attractive etc, I just don't know. I'm being myself, it's just tough.

You’re right there is a lot of conflicting advice and none of it is scientific and a lot of it is rubbish.

You feel what you feel and you can’t control that.

But you seem to be veering between being very gung ho and then a bit seemingly despondent and catastrophising about this fairly insignificant interaction when it doesn’t go right the way you want it to. All this stuff about giving up on men altogether is a classic example: it’s a sure sign that your confidence is brittle and not real.

I personally think you can’t ever project real confidence unless you genuinely couldn’t give a toss what happens. Which is why I think CBT counselling would be useful; you need to essentially train yourself to give less of a shit, enjoy it more and do it for fun.

The “Rules” type approaches may work for short periods of time but there’s no substitute for that deep inner confidence you get from not really caring.

I would take a step back from dating altogether for a bit and really try to work on yourself.

It's human nature to care a little bit I think, else we wouldn't have feelings in the first place. Let's say we've been speaking to a guy for a while and then they suddenly go cold. Whilst it's not the end of the world for sure, it's human nature to be a little upset/disappointed if you were interested in this person at all.

Sure, but in the case you’re talking about, you’ve interacted with the guy once at a work event, and exchanged a few messages — you haven’t even gone on a date. You can’t allow yourself to get this downcast and worried about having possibly ‘done something wrong’ on this slight an acquaintance, when there’s no indication he ever thought of you as anything other than a colleague he got on well with at a work thing. You’ll drive yourself mad.

@Lordsoftheboards Advice is always conflicted. I've been told to some to treat dating like a full-time job.
A lot of people seem to advocate not giving a toss

I don't think this is necessarily conflicting. If you date a lot you'll get less attached to guys in the early days. This is a good thing. It stops you romanticising things and reading into things that aren't there. If you get ghosted by one, well you have someone else as an option. I think there's a thread on here where they refer to having a lot of irons in the fire to prevent getting too attached to one man too soon.

@Thepeopleversuswork speaks a lot of sense. You'd do well to take her advice on board.

You're absolutely right. It's not necessarily him as an individual it's a build up of him, the one in January, my ex and the men prior to my last relationship I think. It's just gotten a little disappointing, I feel like these men are nothing special by any means yet have incredibly high standards, also it just feels like game playing even though people say be yourself. I honestly feel like just trying to be very aloof and ignoring them.

Honestly let them do the chasing,

i fancied the arse of my late dh but apart from a shared hobby and the fact we worked together he showed no interest in me at all, I mean we did talk a lot at work and at the hobby and the odd message but that’s it, he liked other people anyway, he was very much single.

indont know what changed but all of a sudden he seemed to want me and it just very naturally went on from there. I’d previously made the decision to move on and was acting quite distant with him.

im late 40s now and on my own again, there’s men I fancy but as I’m not at my best there’s no chance, I don’t care really, if someone wants me they’ll make it known.

I don’t know any men who like texting. Far better to go for a drink/coffee.

So he started acting interested once you became distant? See I don't want it to have to be like that. I want somebody to be interested in me just for me, not because I'd gone a bit distant.
But I just CBA with any of them tbh anymore.

You need to find out who you are first. What do you like?

Knew myself, the good and the bad and was never going to change for anyone.

I am not sure about game playing but I have always been hard to please that is the natural me. What is the natural you? Women seem to value kindness and being nice a lot as top traits. I don’t want people to be unkind but it’s a bit wishy washy. I impressed DH by being very good at climbing trees and beating him on Tekken 2.

I have never worried about what any man has thought of me, it’s a waste of headspace. When I was young I remember my friends fretting about partnering up whereas I was thinking it’s going to stop me doing stuff I want to because I will have to bloody consider someone else. It’s a miracle I ended up with someone if I’m honest.

I disagree with most of the above!

I'm a guy, and (MN is a great example), we're constantly told not to stare, not to make the first move, not to even give the slightest hint of attraction, especially in safe spaces like the office or gym etc.

If he's a decent guy, he's not going to approach you with a ten foot pole. The last thing we want is to be brought in to HR, or rejected, or have someone come on MN five minutes later and have lines like "ugh, is no place safe, why does every man hit on me at work and make things awkward" etc. Then there's the classic, if an ugly man hits on me he's a creep, but if he's handsome, bring it on!

I might have said to meet after work for a coffee 15 years ago to a colleague, but not now.

Because women in their 20s are more attractive to men than older women.

Because in your 20s your social circle is more likely to be single without baggage.

Because you meet more people (uni, travels, parties) where going on dates is more organic and less forced.

If a work colleague messaged me I wouldn’t automatically think it was because they were romantically interested in me? I chat/message a few people from work and I just assume they are platonic work friendships. We might have a laugh about stuff in private messages but I don’t assume they are interested. It could be that this guy just thinks you’re being friendly? Was it obvious flirting?

Cook for him, cook well and lots.
Old-fashioned? You bet.
But does it work? Fuck yes.

Erm.. no thanks 🤢 he can bloody cook for himself, I'm not a maid.

Also a guy and this has some truth

look. Don’t play games, delay responding, sit passively and expect him to ask. You want to go out, ask him out. You don’t, then don’t.

Because the pool of eligible men is much bigger in your 20s. I’m fishing in the 30something pool and it is, from what I can tell, mostly dog shit.

Ahh great.. I mean what should I do then like top myself.

Orrrrr…. learn to be happy single, and make your life a life you’re in love with. 🤗

If it’s not as easy as falling off a log, bail out. Nothing should be this difficult; if your messaging styles don’t match, why continue? It’s probably a sign you’re not well suited to each other.

When someone that’s right for you comes along, you can just be yourself and they will like you because they like YOU. Why lure someone in with a fake personality? Just find someone who likes the one you already have.

They just don't like me for who I am, either. So I'm done. I don't think I'm unattractive or uninteresting but they just never like what I'm offering.

It's very unfashionable to accept this, but in life generally men like to chase. They like to feel they have won a prize worth having, not something that was available too easily that anyone could attain. And that applies in some way to women.

I never followed horrible advice like The Rules, but I did tend to play it fairly cool with men I liked, so they could feel they'd done the chasing. They like a bit of mystery, a bit of unavailability, so being obviously busy at weekends, and after work at night will intrigue them more than texts begging for a morsel of attention.

Line up some really exciting stuff to do after work and at weekends. Rush off and do it. Win win. You get to do fun stuff and he is more likely to be intrigued if he hears about it, or if he texts you and you take a couple of days to reply because you were busy than if you are sitting around texting, hoping for a spot of interest from him to perk your life up.

Also if you have a couple of colleagues who are very good, trustworthy friends, get them to say good things about you casually when he is 'accidentally' in earshot. It works every time. I love playing that game. Casually chatting about a friend's great legs/hair/skin as if you are a bit jealous, or commenting that she looks like X famous/beautiful person or is such an amazing singer/skater etc. The men always clock it and look at the woman in a new light.

Flirting is a game. It's okay to play it with a few tricks up your sleeve.

Same tbh.

A lot of men these days (or my perception) especially older men seem to only want those who look good on their arms, younger, who can go out drinking with them, witty, chatty, no baggage.

im none of these things although I am caring, will give lots of love and attention, I can cook and I’m independent.

I also think women have expectations of men that are unreasonable too so it works both ways I suppose.

id love it if a man (single) would ask me to go out for a coffee tbh. But im not asking them,

Sadly I've even tried that, I am naturally busy, but it just didn't work! They just didn't care enough.

Without sounding arrogant, I think I'm attractive. And I've got stuff going for me. I'm certainly not going for Brad Pitt millionaire types by any means, if doesn't mean I consider myself as better and I know attraction is subjective.
They do seem to find me attractive but just don't want to date me, so I'm done.

Oh mate, hate to hear someone saying this about themselves. I also hate to use the most tired cliche of cliches but it’s not you, it’s them. Honestly, you sound lovely and you’ve just been unlucky in not meeting the right person.

I personally recommend online communities for like-minded people. I struggled for years, had no boyfriend until well in my twenties despite being attractive, fun, clever, witty, slim. I felt so unlovable and weird as every time I liked a guy he was never interested.

It was only when I joined a discussion forum online about one of my main interests, that I ended up meeting someone who I liked and liked me back (as well as many platonic friends etc). We were in a relationship for three years and I never had to play any games or pretend to be someone I’m not.