Happy Birthday or not?

[hopefulwishes]

Need the mumsnet jury on this one as not sure if I am being unreasonable or not.

Today was DH's birthday and we live in a small town so shopping wise not much choice and tbh DH is a pain to buy for.
I never seem to get it right.

So the children get him a card and make a card as well and they got a little pressie to open some nice socks and his favorite chocolates and I put some money in a card so he can buy something for himself as he works in the city.

I bought him an expensive bottle of red wine and we had croissants for breakfast after he had a lie in and a nice relaxing bath.

He says he needs to nip out at 11.45 .
2.00 and still no sigh and he is the puband I had arranged a nice lunch so ask him when he is coming back ,styaing calm as it is his birthday.

He comes back at 2.45 and I put lunch on.

We had

trout fillets with sliced avacado
Mousakka,potato dauphinoise and salad
Tarte au Citron
cheese and biscuits

Had a nice lunch until towards the end the phone is ringing and I just miss answering it and it was his sister ringing from abroad and she leaves a message.

All change ,he gets in a right strop saying I should have been quicker answering the phone and he does'nt bother ringing her back.

He then went upstairs for an after lunch nap,comes down at 7pm in a right mood.

Complaining is that all he is worth a pair of socks and I could have put more effort into it.

I am hurt as made a lovely lunch with a nice bottle of wine and going on past experience whether it be christmas or birthday he always criticizes what I buy him.

He said it was insulting to put money in a card for him.
But I did it with the best intentions.

He spent most of the morning and afternoon in the bath,pub and ate lunch and then went for a sleep until 7 so I thnk he has had a pretty good bitrthday ,he did'nt spend much of it with us.

Sorry I did get back to the thread,yesterday I went on a mad spring clean around the house and put on loud music and tries to stay posiitive.

Sent DH an e mail asking what time he would be home for dinner .

He came in later than he said and we went ahead and had our dinner and when he did come in I styaed calm and said nothing.
Where as before I would have made a big thing about it I stayed calm.

The children were playing up a bit and as usual DH wanted to watch the football so got in a sulk and said he was off to bed .

Not much chance to talk to him.

Today I have been into town for a walk and am trying to keep in control and have just sent an e mail telling DH when we will be eating tonight so will see how it goes and if he replies.

I have phoned Al-Anon in the past and they don't have any meetings in my area and to be honest found it all a bit one sided.

I know having a drink problem is an illness but it is hard to be sympathetic when oyu are living with someone like this.
The talk was all about what I could do to help and I feel I try so hard and as DH has
said before there is nothing i can do its down to him.

Not making excuses here but my DS's problems are such he needs routine and could'nt think of leaving and upseting his routine with school and home.
This house was bought for us by FIL and DH would'nt leave for a hile and he said before in an arguement that he thinks I am after the house which is'nt true.
I think that is his paranoia talking.

I want us to stay together and for him to realise what he is doing and cut down on the drinking and come home straight from work more often.

He is a great dad and does'nt see him coming home late most nights is a problem,he sees it as socialising .

I know he has a lot to ut up with with regards to my anxiety issues which are improving and he takes the children to any parties they get invited to as I don't feel able to at times.
So he is patient with regards to that but he does'nt understand why sometines I don't feel like going out.

I just feel all paniciky (sp) and can't do it sometimes.

Lynette-no need to aplogise ,you were'nt to know.

i havent read all the posts but wanted to say-if someone did that for me on my birthday i would be very very happy and grateful.you put in a lot of effort.
also i grew up with an alcohilic dad-it isnt nice and it isnt easy.we laughed at things he did at times,at times it was embarressing and at times we ignored it.we lived with him as a family(well if you can call it that)till i was about 13.my parents splitting up was best thing that happened for everyone.i stupidly didnt want my dad to be alone so i stayed with him-my 3 sisters went with my mum.the drinking worsened,i wouldnt let him go to the pub alone as i was worried about him.i would go in the car to and from the pub with him drink driving as believed if he was hurt i wanted to be with him(sounds so silly now)i did things id seen my mum do-i put up with it.at 16 i moved out-i was making it my fault and my problem.he gave up drinking just over a year ago(im now 30)and its like i have a new dad,i dont know him but i love him just as much and more than the old drunk one.

dont know why im saying all this,im all emotionally at the moment!just dont let your children grow up like i did if alcohol is a problem.its not fair on you and its not fair on them.

Tippychick-thanks for the advice.

I am looking forward to getting invovlved with the school committee it will be a new challange which i need right now.

He has always left notes apoligising right the way through our relationship but had stopped doing that for a while .
He sees it as it is done and dusted then and no need for me to bring it up again but of course the issues are still there.
The trouble is he says things when drunk that he forgets the next day whre as i still remember them.

Maybe he has issues with DS's SN I know his family find it hard to talk about and ignore it for the most part and never take it into consideration.

Well he just replied to my e mail.

I sent an e mail saying how DS seemed more confident yesterday after school and that I was going in this afternoon for our 2 weekly sessions to work with him and his 1:1 .

i asked hm what time he would be home for dinner so I knew when to put it i the oven.

I signed off saying love you

His reply was

6.30 for eating

that was it,short and sweet as usual

Maybe I expect too much .

It just does'nt seem very friendly or personal.

hopeful, you're a saint!! my DH would have had a frying pan round the head by this stage!!!! my DH, much as i love him, can be a moody git/pita but compared to yours he's a sweetie. i know you say that DS needs routine etc, is it possible to move out and still be in the area?? ideally it would be him going but i'd say the house thing would be a problem. is he at all aware of the effect his drinking is having on the DCs or does he think the odd note here and there makes everything ok? i'm and for you. i wish i had something helpful to say....

I am supposed to be working and instead have sat here and read this thread from start to finish. I've gone from really angry, to really sad and am now feel full of despair for you.

Hopeful - you sound like a brilliant mum and wife. My advice may not be right but this is what I think you should do:

I can understand why it's hard to leave or even talk to your husband. But I think the best plan of attack is to start to build your self esteem. Join the SN committee. It will be a good way to meet new people and try to make some new friends too. Tell your DH that you're having a day off - say a Saturday. Go shopping and buy a few new things for you, get a haircut, get your toes done. Whatever. The point is that you're doing something for you. It is allowed!

Be more confident when you talk. Tell him that supper will be served at x time. If he misses it, he misses it. His loss. He can have it cold.

Also arrange for you to have a night out. Tell him he needs to be back by x time as you're going out. If he complains, point out the number of times he's been out and when last you did and remind him that looking after children is a shared role.

Look at possible job opportunities. Don't take them if that's not what you want to do, but look at the market. See what you could do and what you could be paid. Also work out what it would cost for someone to watch the children if you didn't do it, including having someone with SN qualifications.

Then speak to your DH. Hard when he keeps drinking, but speak to him nonetheless (and record it so you can play it back to him if he can't remember what he says). Explain to him what you do everyday. Explain how you feel about his ungratefulness and bullying. Show him what you could be earning and what you could be paying in childcare - but that you're not, you're staying at home for the benefit of your children. Make the point that what you do is a million miles from worthless.

Explain - with a written list if needs be - what you expect from him. Most importantly, explain what the children need from him and tell him how his behaviour is affecting them.

Bullies feed off people they perceive as weaker than themselves, so stand up to him.

But his threats sound awful. They might just be verbal. If it ever gets beyond being verbal, get the hell out of there. It might disrupt your SN child for a while, but it will be less distruptive than a mother who is being abused.

Hang in there.

cheesesarnie-thanks for sharing your experience.

I have always said to DH our children will strat to pick up in the tension and little things make me realise they have already started to.

I have told him I am not having that happen and this weekend i ned to bite the bullet and make him see sense .

We have nowhere to go and could'nt take the children away from there home .

He seems to think the children will eb unaffected and it is me making a bif thing if it all.

The thing is he can be home from work at 5pm but hardly ever comes straight home.
he always stops of for a drink on the way and that time of night is when the children are starting to get tired and playing up and i'm tyring to get dinner.

It makes me so mad and resent builds as i am dealing with it all knowing he is relaxing n a pub somewhere.
Then we he does get in after the children are in bed I blow a fuse and he won't listen so it ends up with him sulking off up to bed.

This is why the last couple of days i am trying the staying calm technique and being resonsible.
then if he still acts this way i will know it is not my fault.

although i have tried this before and it does'nt make any difference i can't do right for doing wrong.

yesterday the house was immaculate when he came in he said nothing,2 days ago he was moaning at the mess.

it sounds as though hopeful your trying to live up to his standards, whilst his standards are falling...

can you go and stay with someone?

or ask him to leave?

a drunk and abusive father is no help for anyone... if you can't do it for yourself (you've born it for this long hey?) do it for your children.

: )

very sad for you to be in this situ. find someone you trust and tell all. they can help you (your sis?).

Make dinner when it suits you and your children, say 5 o'clock. Dh can have an omlette or something when he deigns to arrive. Don't make life harder for yourself by waiting until the children are tired before they have their tea.
I think you need to try to regain a bit of financial independence so you have more options.

Hopefull wishes, I always feed my DC's at five, as that's when they need to eat. I just reheat DH's food when he comes home. Would this work for you?

Well the last 2 nights we have been having our dinner and DH has been re heating his when he gets in.

He said on wednesday night he would be home but came in at 8pm and tonight he said to wait for him ,good job we did'nt as he came in at 7.30.
When I asked him where he had been tonight he just said having a drink and a game of pool.
I explained it's 3 nights in a row he has'nt eaten with us and he said things will be different next week.
Not sure if he is avoiding me ,the children's bedtime routine or just staying out for the drink.
Tonight he had'nt had too much to drink though.

I was on the computer about 8.30 and he came in and said he had been listening to a discussion on the radio about computer addiction.
He asked if I had condsidered that I was addicted to the internet and that it ws a major addicton like drinking,drugs etc.

I asked him what he meant and he said I am on the computer quite a lot.

I do come on mumsnet and and a couple of other sites daily but normally during the day inbetween housework and mostly at night when the children are in bed .

I told him I diod'nt see it as a problem as is not as if I sam gambling or anything and that I find mumsnet useful for a variety of reasons.
He said that was classic symptoms acccording to this discussion programme getting defensive about how much time I spend on the net.
When I asked what harm does it do he said it is neglect

"Neglect of what" I asked

"The children and household duties" he said and can be the loss of a husband according to this discusssion programme.
I started to think was he hinting about the loss of husband bit and trying to tell me something,or is that my over active imagination.

I could'nt believe what I was hearing ,it was like I was in a psychiatrist's office being assessed.

I told him it was like his addiction with driking then and he said don't turn it around and change the subject ,that's another classic symptom.

If I was paranoid I would wonder if he is trying to make me feel bad about somethng else to add to my long list of so called faults.
But he just said I was telling you what I had heared and wondered if you had ever considered the possibility.

He then went to bed at 9 as said he had a lot on at work again tommorrow and did'nt want to argue.

Sounds like he's trying to make out it's you with the problem, not him.

Well I am utterly confused by it all.

I have been staying calm not had a go at him and tried to talk to him before he went to bed but he just said I don't want to argue about it I was just pointing it out and it's just like to me to make an arguement out of something.
I just wanted to put my point across but he said I was talking over him and not listening and making excuses for it.

But he brought the subject up and just left me to think about it.

If he is going up to bed at 9 every night and the children are asleep what is the problem ,who am I neglecting?

How are you feeling today, hopeful? Do things still feel really tense? I do wish your DH would agree to some sort of counseling, like Relate or something? If only you could talk about things instead of it always having to be a row.

he really sounds like a twat why should you be on the net you should be at home with his slippers in one hand and hot dinner in the other waiting for him

I don't mean you are causing a row, btw, I'mtalking about his defensive attitude.

There's not really anything helpful I can say to this thread other than it definately is not you with the problem, hopeful, but your spiteful, wicked-tongued dh. Take no notice of what he says, you are doing nothing wrong.
Huge hugs to you, darling
xxx

I am really trying to stay positive and not get upset or angry.
Have stayed up beat the last few days and tried a different approach.
Have been more patient with the children whEn I have beem left yet again to dela with mealtime antics and bedtime where as before would have been getting stressed about where DH was .
Have just got on with things as if I was on my own with them.

It's just tonight paranoia has started to set in and was looking at him thinking ok he has'nt had a lot to drink tonight which is a good thing but then started to think why not?
Is he seeing someone else?

When he comes home after a fw drinks I think ok he has been in the pub just drinking but this has thrown me and wondered if he has been seeing someone else.
I don't think he ever would but then the comments about my addicion to the net and losing a husband has got my mind working overtime.
Although I must say I tend to over think everything and have a great imagination.

I seem to be doing too well and that worries me as if I am heading for a fall.
I sometimes daydream about being in a room away from everything for a while just to think about so may things that are bothering me that I have bottled up over the years.

Problems with DH,my DS's SN,losing my parents and never getting to say goodbye to ethier of them,my brother's death just after my DD was born ,all there somewhre in my head and not being dealt with.

He's so clearly trying to undermine you with the comment about the internet. Who on earth is HE to talk about addictive behaviour!

He is almost definitely an alcoholic, and he IS definitely avoiding coming home each evening to be a parent to his children
Poor little things. At least they have a loving, faithful mum.

I am sorry to say it but he sounds as if he adds NOTHING to your or the kids lives.

i know there are difficulties to just leaving, even IF you felt ready. But what I do think you should do is cut emotional ties with him. Treat him as the lodger! Don't CARE whether he's back or not (after all, it's nicer without him there, isn't it?) and just zone out when he talks

I know this is not classic advice for how to fix a marriage but I really think before things can be better (if they can) you need to feel strong. He's able to bully you at the moment. i think you need to get to the stage where you couldn't care if he is there or not and he KNOWS IT, and then you will have some power in the relationship. He sounds utterly impossible to communicate with and he's actively undermining you; he needs to realise that you really are strong enough without him, then he might be shocked into changing.

Relate is definetly a no go he would'nt entertain it.
He sees me trying to discuss anything as me starting an arguement and ethier ignores it or goes to bed.

I think he finds the parenting hard sometimes as he can nly be in the door sometimes for 20 mins and he is getting stressed when they play up.
Of course when I say well I have had them all day during half term he says well someone has to got to work.

I am trying to stay stong and make him see can cope but this seems somehow to send out the oppisite message that he can stay out when he likes and I am letting him get away with it.
I can't win really.

Somebody has already mentioned it on here, but think you definately need a night out. You say your not realy that close to anyone, but could you not perhaps ask a few of the parents in the playground to go to the local pub. If not what about an hour or so chilled in Starbucks with a magazine. (Just tell him your off out to the pub) Play the twat at his own game!!!

i think you need to perswade (sp) him to take some time off work - maybe it's just the stress of having to be the sole-earner...

it makes men do weird things.

maybe he's suffering from depression.

however, it's not you that's damaging the relationship and you have to realsie that.

hth

I think you both need to learn to communicate with eachother.

when he gets stressy with the kids after 20 minutes, instead of point scoring with "well I've had them all day" you could say "You are brilliant you know, working all day then being a good dad when you come in. I know they're annoying sometimes. But I do appreciate it". And he needs to NOT say "well someone has to work" He could say "I don't know how you have the patience, you're amazing".

You're both trying to score points and forgetting to appreciate the other person

He DOES sound awful and pathetic but there is clearly a communication issue for both of you

Well since this is the DH who got pissed and said he ought to slit your throat I'm not remotely surprised that your communication has got a bit twisted up.

Listen, I never ever suggest people should get counselling - simply because I never have had any myself, though goodness knows, I probably should've over the years - I'm putting it to you because there seems so much for you to go through. And when can you process all that stuff; your parents' deaths, your brother, shitty behaviour from your drunken spouse, when you have lo's to look after?? There is so much going on here and it sounds totally overwhelming.