Happy Birthday or not?

[hopefulwishes]

Need the mumsnet jury on this one as not sure if I am being unreasonable or not.

Today was DH's birthday and we live in a small town so shopping wise not much choice and tbh DH is a pain to buy for.
I never seem to get it right.

So the children get him a card and make a card as well and they got a little pressie to open some nice socks and his favorite chocolates and I put some money in a card so he can buy something for himself as he works in the city.

I bought him an expensive bottle of red wine and we had croissants for breakfast after he had a lie in and a nice relaxing bath.

He says he needs to nip out at 11.45 .
2.00 and still no sigh and he is the puband I had arranged a nice lunch so ask him when he is coming back ,styaing calm as it is his birthday.

He comes back at 2.45 and I put lunch on.

We had

trout fillets with sliced avacado
Mousakka,potato dauphinoise and salad
Tarte au Citron
cheese and biscuits

Had a nice lunch until towards the end the phone is ringing and I just miss answering it and it was his sister ringing from abroad and she leaves a message.

All change ,he gets in a right strop saying I should have been quicker answering the phone and he does'nt bother ringing her back.

He then went upstairs for an after lunch nap,comes down at 7pm in a right mood.

Complaining is that all he is worth a pair of socks and I could have put more effort into it.

I am hurt as made a lovely lunch with a nice bottle of wine and going on past experience whether it be christmas or birthday he always criticizes what I buy him.

He said it was insulting to put money in a card for him.
But I did it with the best intentions.

He spent most of the morning and afternoon in the bath,pub and ate lunch and then went for a sleep until 7 so I thnk he has had a pretty good bitrthday ,he did'nt spend much of it with us.

I don't think it's even about an era. I think Lynette is just being argumentative for the sake of it.

I really, really don't mean to pick on hopfulwishes, but I am genuinely bemused.

The day didn't go well for her, and I think I can see why.

If I had done the same for DH's birthday, he would have been none too pleased, but he probably wouldn't have gone into a mood. (My DH was in a massive grump all afternoon, but such is life.)

I could have said what a git, divorce him. Presumbably that would have been supportive to the op, and she could have gone to bed feeling like she was reasonable and her DH wasn't. There is a way to handle husbands, (and not not by being submisive--I certainly am not!),but then I learned from THE best, my mother, as my father was an absoulte git.

Yes, he has his own arms, so why do anything for him?

I don't mean to be argumentative....really I don't.

I'm just soooo bemused. He is a stroppy bastard, obviouly. The end.

You think you can see why??

Oh, please enlighten us.

She spent all fucking morning cooking his tea, for his birthday whilst looking after their children... whilst he skived in the pub!!!

So, pray tell, where she went wrong?

Lynettescavo-Yes I did say we would eat at 3 but on many occassions I have made meals only for me and the children to be waiting for him and the food getting ruined as we waited.
Also entertaining 2 children whilst orgainising all the food setting the table for a nice relaxed lunch I was hoping DH would be using that time to.spend with his children so I could get lunch in a non stressful way .Rather than him coming in 15 mins before expecting it all to be ready for him,this is not a restaurant he has booked into but a family home.
When I rang him at 2 o clock he said"I am just in the middle of a game of pool with Jim"
OK .it's his bithday,I let it go and waited.
Beraing in mind he got rat arsed on Friday and was verbally abusive to me,I let it go.

As for the phone he got up to answer it but then askedme to get it an di just missed it.
So he goes into ne and strops around.
His sister was from the meassage on her mobile and no number was left and Idon't have her number.
DH has it on his phone but does'nt bother to ring her back.
He is probaby sulking she did'nt call back so I bore the brunt of it.

I guess in answr to everyones question why did'nt he ring her back he was probably playing the martyr ane shuld ring him back ,who knows?

For my birthday I usually get chocolates and flowers and books which I may have hinted I would like.

Truly think your DH is being awful. I am sorry about this. You sound very submissive and subdued, is this the norm? You okay?

You went to a lot of effort to make a beautiful family birthday for him and a delicious lunch. I think he should be grateful for his added gift of money. What a spoilt child.

yanbu

"there is a way to handle husbands" I'm sorry but my mum is not submissive, but my dad has been enabled by such 'handling' all my life and it is quite frankly disgusting.
I would NEVER cook a meal for a man who waited in the pub til it was ready on principle. Birthday or not. I have seen too many meals wasted on a late arriving grumpy man who would just upset everyone then fall asleep. DH knows it would be more than his life is worth.

YANBU. It sounds like he has a real drink problem or other issues in his life to act like such a knob when you had made such an effort to give him a nice day. Such a shame he chooses to take it out on you, and the children (your son's reaction shows they are aware of his behaviour being out of line too). I would sit him down in a few days and explain things from your POV and see what he says. If he insists on still being an arse and takes no responsibility for his behaviour, then divorce him . Seriously he needs to grow up and count his blessings. If he's stressed he needs to learn to talk about it and not hide in drink/grumpiness/perfectionism demanding selfish twunty childish behaviour.

I guess I am sunbmissive and subdued.

Today has been proof of that yet again.

I was just thinking reading everyones replies about my birthday last year when we were staying at MIL's.

We went for a week for DHs sister's wedding which was held at his parents house.
A grand affair and obviuousy lots going on.

My birthday was 3 days after the wedding and the day before MIL had a dinner party for about 20 guests.

Anyway the next morning on my birthday DH rushedto the local village withhe children to get a card and some flowers for me.

MIL came into the kitchen with 2 large greasy roasting pans that had been left soaking in her other kitchen from the extension upstairs that had ben forgotton aboutthe night before and asked me to clean them.
No problem ,I did it,so it was my birthday,no worries.
That evening she said at dinner she did'nt have a chance to bake a cake,no problemI'm not a child she went to the village and bought an apple pie from the bakery.

She did'nt give me a card or a present,notthat I expectedanything as she normally does'nt send one anyway.

Did I sulk,NO.

Did I moan thatDH had'nt orgainised anything for me,no.

Sorry am going off on a tangent here,just made me think that DH's birthday was 'nt that bad after all.

pinkyminky-talking of wasted meals DH 's dinner ws in the bin 3 times last week alone as he did'nt come for it.

hochocscot-your right ,my DS is starting to notice jis behaviour.
Only last week he said to me "why is daddy always late home?"

I have said to DH before the day the childen start to notice an dit affects them is the day he needs to sort him self out.

It sounds like a downward sliding situation. Whats he up to? Do you think he knows how utterly shite his behaviour is?

It sounds like he is bullying you.

well i think that day has come hasn't it? and i think you know it too. so its time to let him know things need to change, yes? If you don't want your ds to grow up and think that is the way men behave and its ok, then time for a serious chat.

Good luck, i really hope you find the strength to get this sorted. You sound lovely, caring, selfless, and he knows this and instead of being eternally grateful that you married him and being devoted in turn, he is taking full advantage of it to behave badly. Time for a reality slap check!

agree with hotchoc xx

He definitely needs a wake up call. Your MIL's behaviour speaks volumes, and he certainly isn't setting a good example to his son. My dad did big damage to my self esteem and it took me a long time to get over it.
You need to sit him down and have a long conversation about this, and don't let him turn the topic around so you start apologising for things or talking about something else.Choose your moment carefully.
Good luck you and don't be sad,you and your children sound lovely. x

Elephantsbreath-I honestly don't know.

Maybe a feeling of getting old.

He has a strained relatinship with his father ,his mother rang this morning to wish him happy birthday but he did'nt speak to his dad so maybe that's why he went for a drink.

THen when he missed his sisters call it sent him over the edge the whole family thing.

But we are his family and I guess I ws the only one availabe as usual to take his hurt out on as he won't confront his father.

Am just guessing here.

x posts - hotchoc

I try to talk to him about his family but he just says it's his family amd nothing to do with me and then turns it around saying i am slagging off his family and I have never liked them.

I tryed last night after fridays incident but he says there is nothing i can do it is up to him and he did'nt want an arguement and so that was that,his answer is always the same.

But his tone of voice tells me he does'nt sound committed to do anything about it.

After what happened on Friday he went to the pub again today only 2 days later.

You need to talk to him about all this.

Ok he has lots of hurt and you're nearest (and dearest) so you cop the lot perhaps. I feel for you. I think we can all behave shoddily to our partners sometimes but....

I didn't like it that you didn't make him come back from the pub because last time he was abusive. That's bullying behaviour in my book.

I bet you're tired after today. Poor you.

I try but it never seems the right time.

When I try when he has'nt had a drink I just think things are ok now so I say nothing so as not to rock the boat again.

It's hard trying or stay upbeat for the children as they sense it.

We were all walking on eggshells tonight and was a relief when he went up to bed early to be honeset.

DD was talking whispers and DH told her off for whispering saying it was rude,but she was only doing that as she could see he wasin a grumpy mood.

but if you are married, then his concerns and issues with "his" family are yours too, i would say, as naturally you want to help him but also because of the effect they have on you and your children, his "new" family as it were! so you have a right to be involved and discuss this.

Maybe if you find yourself subdued take a bit of time to write down the points you want to get across before you sit him down, so that you have something to guide you. I agree totally with pinkyminky, don't let him turn it back round on you. He sounds adept at emotional manipulation (someone said bullying and i don't think they're far off the mark) so you need to be strong and on track.

I am feeling tired but know I will go up to bed and lie there mulling everything over in my head so I stya up as long asI can until i am really tired.

Friday night when he came in and called me a fu*king bitch I just kept asking myself what have I done wrong I had'nt spoken to him all day so I couldnt have done anything to upset him.

Going back to my original post about him being hard to please with things ,this will sound silly ,but bought some smoked salmon as a treat and made him some sandwiches for work on friday and left him a romantic note nd told him theywere in the fridge.

ASked him today,as he had'nt mentioned it did he enjoy his sandwiches and he just said "smoked salmon is rather rich,you made me too many"

SAys it all really.

Given that he is unlikely to bounce out of bed tomorrow shouting Ffs I am an arse! Why didn't somebody tell me?
perhaps you need to consider what you would like his behaviour to be and begin to quietly introduce these changes to him over the next week or two.

Be firm but fair. He really does have a problem with gratitude! It's a reality check he needs, and I think you are best placed to offer it to him. Since he will be certainly in denial projecting his dissatisfaction in his life onto you, I think you should be smart in how you do so. Not emotional or subdued or anything.

need to snooze myself. hope you sleep well. xxx