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Original poster

Happy Birthday or not?

149 replies

hopefulwishes · 06/04/2008 21:19

Need the mumsnet jury on this one as not sure if I am being unreasonable or not.

Today was DH's birthday and we live in a small town so shopping wise not much choice and tbh DH is a pain to buy for.
I never seem to get it right.

So the children get him a card and make a card as well and they got a little pressie to open some nice socks and his favorite chocolates and I put some money in a card so he can buy something for himself as he works in the city.

I bought him an expensive bottle of red wine and we had croissants for breakfast after he had a lie in and a nice relaxing bath.

He says he needs to nip out at 11.45 .
2.00 and still no sigh and he is the puband I had arranged a nice lunch so ask him when he is coming back ,styaing calm as it is his birthday.

He comes back at 2.45 and I put lunch on.

We had

trout fillets with sliced avacado
Mousakka,potato dauphinoise and salad
Tarte au Citron
cheese and biscuits

Had a nice lunch until towards the end the phone is ringing and I just miss answering it and it was his sister ringing from abroad and she leaves a message.

All change ,he gets in a right strop saying I should have been quicker answering the phone and he does'nt bother ringing her back.

He then went upstairs for an after lunch nap,comes down at 7pm in a right mood.

Complaining is that all he is worth a pair of socks and I could have put more effort into it.

I am hurt as made a lovely lunch with a nice bottle of wine and going on past experience whether it be christmas or birthday he always criticizes what I buy him.

He said it was insulting to put money in a card for him.
But I did it with the best intentions.

He spent most of the morning and afternoon in the bath,pub and ate lunch and then went for a sleep until 7 so I thnk he has had a pretty good bitrthday ,he did'nt spend much of it with us.

OP posts:
Elephantsbreath · 07/04/2008 22:54

"in an arguemnet he said he would slit my throat and my children would be better off with me."

You love him and want to stay with him?

What can you do? This isn't right, Hopeful.

Elephantsbreath · 07/04/2008 22:58

Somethings gone wrong.

He needs help.

Are you worried at what he might do? Sorry but that is some threat.

Original poster
hopefulwishes · 07/04/2008 23:02

I know it is not right and thought the shock of him saying that to me when I told him as he obvoiusly had forgotten he had said it the next morning would make him see things needed to change.

But that does'nt seem to be the case.
Before he would be so sorry but it's just a word now and he does'nt seem to care.

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefulwishes · 07/04/2008 23:05

crossed posts.

I am not worried in that he would actualy go through with it,it was just drunken talk but all the same shocked me as he has said some things in hs time but that was unforgivable.

The part about my children being etter off without me hurt the most that he things i am such a crap mother.
No one likes to be told that.

OP posts:
Elephantsbreath · 07/04/2008 23:05

Just checking now. Should his drunkeness or threats worsen do you have a contingency? A place you can go, for you and your dc's?

Elephantsbreath · 07/04/2008 23:09

You don't think then that in his drunk state he could carry out any violence towards you. He sounds very angry. And belligerent. Oh and indifferent.

Elephantsbreath · 07/04/2008 23:10

He sounds f**cking ghastly. Why are you staying.

Original poster
hopefulwishes · 07/04/2008 23:16

We have nowhere to go close by but as I say he would never hurt the children and am sure he would'nt hurt me.

He just gets out of control verbally which i know is damaging in it's self but i make sure my children don't witness this .

as on friDay I made DH go up to bed as soon as I opened the door to him and saw what a state he was in so the children did'nt see him like that.

The awful thing is that when he is like this and staggers around I worry he will fall down the stairs and he crashed into the shower scren on friday night luckly it did.nt break.

On prevoius occasions he has fell over outside on our drive and cut his head and can think of numerous occasions ovr the years where he has hurt himself.

this is going to sound really awful but sometimes I think if he did hurt himself and had to got o hospital it might wake him up to realise what he is doing and maybe his parents would help me.

i have tried once to talk them one night a couple of years ago when DH was being really abusive and I was worried about what he was saying that he would get me sectioned and take the children from me but when i rang them up all upset and explained FIL put the phone down on me and it has'nt been mentioned since.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 07/04/2008 23:19

This just gets worse and worse.

Erm how could he get you sectioned? I rather thought it would involve some medical professionals.

Have you got a history of depression? Is this being used against you?

"He knows I have nowhere to go and no money to go with ,so an ultimatium would do no good."

He would be legally obliged to provide some support. Why not take a step for yourself and find out what you would be entitled to in the event of a break up?

UniversallyChallenged · 07/04/2008 23:22

Hopeful wishes - i cant add anything to help but am very worried for you and your dcs. The atmosphere must be awful for you.
He seems determind to carry on his father's appalling behaviour and ostracize those he should be caring for.
Is there anyone at your school or a good friend you can talk to in private about this? Maybe get a number ready if things get any worse and you have to get out quickly?xx

Original poster
hopefulwishes · 07/04/2008 23:22

God,just read that last post and am depressing myself never mind anyone who reads it.

All this from a thread about DH's birthday.

Thank you so much elephantsbreath for your replies.

I really should get to bed as back to school tomorrow and I really need to be on top of things.

Will post again tomorrow.

OP posts:
Flynnie · 07/04/2008 23:22

very for you.
It sounds like he has some issues that go beyond you and your relationship.
It was obvious in the earlier posts that he has NO respect for you but the bit about him saying he could slit your throat is a different matter. He sounds abusive and at risk of becoming physically(sp?)so.
Someone who loves you doesnt treat you that way.
you need to really ask yourself if this is a healthy enviroment for you or your lo.

Elephantsbreath · 07/04/2008 23:29

Have you thought about splitting up with him?

Bullying men do have a habit of telling their spouses they are mad and need locking up. Is this the case?

It sounds like his horrendous behaviour has gone on a while unstopped. What do you want to happen now?

Original poster
hopefulwishes · 07/04/2008 23:29

crossed posts

I really don't think he would hurt me physically but mentally am at rock bottom.

I did have PND when my son was born and had some CBT for anxiety and agraophobia issues which helped a bit but still suffer from on occassions .

I dont have a close friend to confide in.
My sister knows some of whats gone on in the past but not all the gory details,I could'nt worry her .

OP posts:
madamez · 07/04/2008 23:30

There's something very badly wrong with this man, Hopeful. It's quite likely he is an alcoholic and dislikes himself for his behaviour, but he's not doing much to stop it. What he definitely is, is a misogynist. He doesn't think you're a person, you're just a woman, who exists only for his benefit and who can be bullied and abused. I think you ought to get in touch with WOmen's Aid who can advise you of your options: information is power and when you know what you are entitled to, it stops him being able to frighten you with bullshit about how he can have you sectioned and take the children.

Elephantsbreath · 07/04/2008 23:32

I'll look out for your posts tomorrow. You need a good rest, hun x

Original poster
hopefulwishes · 07/04/2008 23:36

I know it's not a healthy enviroment for my children especailly as they are getting older and don't miss a thing.

i have just got used to it,but don't want that for my children.

Have never really thought about leaving him as always see the best in people and thought he would change,famous last words.

i don't know what to do really.

Try and get him to sit down and talk to me if at all possible.
Have a heart to heart for the childrens sake.
Maybe ask him to see a doctor.

OP posts:
Original poster
hopefulwishes · 07/04/2008 23:37

Night everyone am feeling exhausted.

Thanks for the support.

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 08/04/2008 10:21

Hopefull, having just read all of your recent posts i have changed my mind about this man. He is simply a bullying alcoholic and unless he admits to his problem and gets help you must leave - yes it will be hard, but how hard would it be for your children if he really does hurt you. Please think twice before you say he would never hurt you and the children. Firstly, he IS hurting all of you, not pysically at the moment. Secondly, it is escalating - if it gets much worse, he will carry out his threats, he doesnt remember making, FFS, that is dangerous, if he doesnt remember making the threats then he isnt in control enough not to carry them out.

There are organisations to help, you need to start gathering information, there are people on here who will know what to do because they have been through similar. Do NOT stay with this man because you think it will be better for your children - its NOT.

I know this is a complete turnaround but his behaviour is frightening, he clearly has a problem and in a way im sorry for him, but this is putting your children at risk of emotional abuse. Get out is the only advise i can offer

pinkyminky · 08/04/2008 21:34

Hopeful - how are you today?
Having read your last posts, I have to agree that he has a major drink problem. Either he or you and children need to leave until he gets help and sorts himself out.

Elasticwoman · 08/04/2008 21:41

Isn't there an organisation for the families of alcoholics - AlAnon, is it?

It might be an idea for you to consider your options, Hopeful, and talk to others who have been in your position.

hotchocscot · 08/04/2008 23:55

bump for hopefulwishes, i agree with the other posters after reading the extra info you have provided, he has problems that he isn't facing up to and that are affecting you and your children. He may be depressed, is probably alcoholic, both of which can be treated but only if he is willing to admit and seek the help. You definitely should, in my opinion, look into your options - citizens advice, womens aid/refuge, etc will be able to help. As another poster said, he cannot have you sectioned on a whim and he would be legally obliged to provide financial support for his children. He may change back for the better, but can you afford to wait and take the chance on him getting worse? I feel so much for you, as you are being bullied and mistreated by the man who should be supporting and loving you as you raise the kids. Know there are friends here you can confide in. Hugs.

Elephantsbreath · 09/04/2008 11:35

Good morning Hopeful.

Think Elasticwoman's suggestion of contacting AlAnon is a good one. I have no experience of it. However, it might help clarify in your mind what you're up against with your dh. I don't feel convinced that a heart to heart with him, with a suggestion he visits the doctor regarding his behaviour around alcohol, will have much sway since he is a bully in the grips of a drink problem.

His behaviour is utterly appalling and he doesn't deserve your tolerance. The rubbish about having you sectioned is to try and frighten you to stay with him. The bully.

I hope you are contacting Womens' Aid for information and support. I would second the idea of clearing out with your children at least while he sorts himself out. I think leaving until he can treat you and your lo's properly will provide him with the motivation he will need to tackle his problems.

I'm thinking of you and your Lo's, hope you are all ok.

LynetteScavo · 09/04/2008 11:45

Hopefulwishes, I really didn't realise there was a lot af background to your first post, so I really want to apologise for being so flippant.

I have no personal experience of being in a situation like this, so I hope people will correct me if I'm talking rubbish.

Would making him leave the house, at least untill he has found help for his drinking be atall possible. It would certainly be a wake up call for him. Like I say, I may just be talking rubbish, but I think that is what I would do.

Tippychick · 09/04/2008 12:09

Lo hopeful

Sometimes when I read these threads I realise that my ExP wasn't such a w%nker after all in comparison! Your DP sounds like he is controlling, aggressive, thoughtless and selfish, and that's the polite description.

For all you saying that you're the girl from the council estate and implying that he's somehow superior to you, you're the one taking the grief without snapping and he's the one with the problems I reckon. Does he have issues with his own self-worth that he has to criticise you constantly, put you down and measure your love for him by the presents he is given? And the way he speaks to you in general, let alone in front of the children - THAT'S NOT RIGHT! I honestly think that he's the one with the problems and you're getting the brunt of it. On some level he must know this too, that's why he leaves the notes. Much easier to apologise in a note anyway, saving face all round for him.

I'm no relationship guru, God knows, but with the crystal-clear vision of looking at other people's problems (!) then this is what I think - just my opinion. I think there are two big problems - your self-esteem and his self-esteem. His problems cause him to act like a twat and your cause you to take it. Not easy things to fix I guess so I would suggest couple counselling/Relate so that you at least have an independent person reassuring you that this behaviour isn't acceptable. Make him agree to go, I know ultimatums won't work but maybe bite your tongue and imply that you're the one with the problem or it's to help with the issues of having a SN child and let him think he's not the one with the problem ( he is though, don't forget that!). But let him believe otherwise to get him there initially if it works, what harm?
Secondly, I think helping out on the Special Needs committee thing at school would really help you feel like someone again. You say you used to manage 30 people and work in retail (not an easy job), you're obviously more than capable. Doing something like this might just help you feel that you're worth more and might raise your worth in his eyes too. Though what a gobshite, as if being a SAHM, especially to a SN child (and a very childish partner by the sounds of it)isn't enough?

Sorry if it all sounds a bit Ricki (hate the word selvesteeeeem but can't think of another!). Hope I don't come across as preachy - like I said I am deffo no expert but other people's problems always seem easier don't they!? Good luck anyway and please start to value yourself and what you do.