Happy Birthday or not?

[hopefulwishes]

Need the mumsnet jury on this one as not sure if I am being unreasonable or not.

Today was DH's birthday and we live in a small town so shopping wise not much choice and tbh DH is a pain to buy for.
I never seem to get it right.

So the children get him a card and make a card as well and they got a little pressie to open some nice socks and his favorite chocolates and I put some money in a card so he can buy something for himself as he works in the city.

I bought him an expensive bottle of red wine and we had croissants for breakfast after he had a lie in and a nice relaxing bath.

He says he needs to nip out at 11.45 .
2.00 and still no sigh and he is the puband I had arranged a nice lunch so ask him when he is coming back ,styaing calm as it is his birthday.

He comes back at 2.45 and I put lunch on.

We had

trout fillets with sliced avacado
Mousakka,potato dauphinoise and salad
Tarte au Citron
cheese and biscuits

Had a nice lunch until towards the end the phone is ringing and I just miss answering it and it was his sister ringing from abroad and she leaves a message.

All change ,he gets in a right strop saying I should have been quicker answering the phone and he does'nt bother ringing her back.

He then went upstairs for an after lunch nap,comes down at 7pm in a right mood.

Complaining is that all he is worth a pair of socks and I could have put more effort into it.

I am hurt as made a lovely lunch with a nice bottle of wine and going on past experience whether it be christmas or birthday he always criticizes what I buy him.

He said it was insulting to put money in a card for him.
But I did it with the best intentions.

He spent most of the morning and afternoon in the bath,pub and ate lunch and then went for a sleep until 7 so I thnk he has had a pretty good bitrthday ,he did'nt spend much of it with us.

His family ahve always been a sore oint for him and have learnt I wil never win that paticular discussion,even now with his own family they always come out on top.

If I try to broach the subject of his drinking he always points out my faults in return and turns the discussion about him to me and then he will say "you think your so bloody perfect"

I know I am not perfect,I hate myself most days ,but try to live in hope that the next day will see a turn around and he will see what is happening.

I am so sad that I look out of my window at night and see the familys around us and the husbands who come straight home from work every night,you could set your clock to some of them and think how nice that must be to have that peace of mind and assurance.
Just to be normal.

DH just things that that is weird and who wants to be normal.

Night Elephantsbreath,thanks.

Really should get to bed myself.

xx

ouch don't hate yourself

Hopfulwishes, I really hope you weren't upset by my posts on this thread. I do not come on MN to be argumentative, or bullying, but I do aim to offer and recieve support and advice.

I didn't reasise there were other issues with your DH's behaviour. Calling you a f**ng bitch is beyond unacceptable, and so was the comment about the sandwhiches. If my DH made theat comment, he wouldn't ever get any sanwhiches again. Not that I bother to make them anyway, but that's beside the point.

My DH is usually quite charming, so I would have allowed for a day of "skiving" and grumpyness on his birthday. As my DH hardly ever socialises, I would have been thrilled to discover he was playing pool in the pub.

There are obviously a huge amount of other issues going on in this relationship that I'm not aware of, and yesterday was only the tip of the iceberg.

This thread had left me very

Hopeful, your husband really doesn't sound very nice. I am sorry, but I am really sad to read yuor posts. You are far to nice for him.

Lynette, i don't think you were being argumentative actually - still don't get the meal comment, my DP would have LOVED that meal - perhaps he is a big girly wuss . I do think you make a good point, that it is very easy to jump on the "chuck him to the kirb" bandwagon, and i don't think it is constructive either. The thing is, which you are aware of now that this wasnt hopefuls first post where she has posted about her DHs behaviour. Little digs about housework etc would end up with my DP in hospital i can promise you!

It sounds to me lynette that you are lucky to have a lovely husband and a good relationship. I have a lovely DP and a recovering relationship (debt and PND take their toll) but its funny, when i spoil DP the results are really good. And i do that because i want to (not very often ) but what is wrong with trying to be a good "wife" ? Of course that has to be reciprocated by the man being a good "husband" and that means, being grateful, not pissing off down the pub with his mates at the weekend (that is one thing i will NEVER understand and i just couldnt accept either), taking a genuine interest in his children and well, basically treating his wife like a princess. Thats the only way that sort of relationship could ever work in my eyes. So really just trying to say, i agree with you to a degree, just not appropriate for this thread (but you dindt know that so your comments were fair), im sorry if my post upset you, because as you say, you do usually post really helpful supportive posts. Right, im off to pollish my tiara

Hopeful, you sound to me like you have problems with self esteem, and you almost expect to be treated this way and accept it because you feel that you deserve it. It becomes a pattern. Your DH is a bully and you are making it easy for him. Its NOT your fault though. I suffer from self esteem issues and i have a constant feeling of not being good enough. Thankfully my DP doesnt feed off of that, even though he gets accused of it sometimes (especially if i have PMT god help him). Maybe you could get some counselling to help you see through this. You sound like such a wonderful careing mum and wife YOU DESERVE BETTER. On the face of what you are telling us, your DP sounds like a PIG of the first order, but you clearly love him (so does his have some good points maybe?)- is this something you can work on together, has he become so critical out of habit, or is he just an ignorant shit in general? I hope you manage to work things out, but it is clear that things cannot go on the way they are, for your sake and your childrens.

"I know I am not perfect,I hate myself most days"

Hey Hopeful - that's no way to carry on. The problem is that many people, even the best and nicest, take others at their OWN valuation.

So I think that part of the solution to getting your DH behaving like a human being is for you to realise that you're made of pretty good stuff.

I don't know the magic formula for that - there are all sorts of embedded issues. Loud and joyous music always works for me, doing something well and being recognised for it (can you get recognition/validation outside the home, perhaps from work or a hobby?).

Agree with everything others have said about helping your DH to manage his drinking. Have you thought of Relate? The family dynamic is really affecting your self-esteem. We've been to Relate and it helped us so much.

Thanks for all your replies this morning.

DH left early this morning before we got up but did leave a note which is somethig he has'nt done in awhile after such behaviour.

The note just said
"thank you for my birthday treats and sorry for spoiling the day ,love you all"

Is a start I suspose.

I try to keep upbeat for my childrens sake and like last night when I felt I wanted to cry I stop myself and say I am not going to let this get to me.

Lynette-no problem,I can understand how my situation could be misconstude,it confuses the hell out of me.

lucyellensmum-I do have low self esteem not helped by the fact that have never felt good enough for DH in his parents eyes.
Girl from a council estate ,works in retail marrying a guy who has travelled thew world been to uni and whose parents in annoucing our engagement said it would never work as we are from totally different backgrounds.

Well 16 years later am still here,just.

He can be a great DH when things are goung well and helps out a lot in the house and is great with the children,they adore him.
I fact some time he has more patience with the children than me.

We have always had a strong bond together since we first met and that is still there somewhere.
I can't imagine us being apart ,him neither.
On e thing we have alwaays been togetherr on is infidelity and neither of us has strayed and that would be the end if that was to happen.
But the trust on that respect is there.

Also our sex life has always been good be it few and far between since the children arrived but he has always been supportive on that front and not pressured me even when I had PND after my DS was born ,he waited a whole year

I usually have loud music on when the children are at school and am doing the housework to perk myself up.

I must just say that my DH has in the past praised me for getting my DS's statement with the school.
It was a 2 year battle and DH always says to people that DS would not be getting the help he gets now if I had'nt persisted and got things moving.
So he recognises that in me and I wondered if he feels a bit miffed that I did this and he feels as DS's father he should have helped in some way.
But work commitments could'nt allow time of for the meetings and endless phone calls .
He came to some meetings and was supportive and have told him he did what he could and continues to do so taking time off whenhe can for DS's varoius apppointments.

Strangey enough had a phone call from a parent advisor at DS's schol who is setting up a parent support group for children with SN.
She has asked me if I would like to help get it up and running as she thinks my experiences with working through the system in getting my DS's statement and supporting other mothes/fathers would be a great help.

I was really surprised.
I have been wanting to set somethig up like this myself as it can be a minsefield for parents.
This has come at the right time and will give me something to focus on.

Ooops,sorry did'nt realise it was such a long post

YANBU. The fact that he spent half the day in the pub WITHOUT you, getting cranky is enough to warrant a kick in the pants from YOU, I think!

Hopeful - you seem to look up to dh because he has travelled the world and been to uni. You might not be in a good position to do the former, but you could think about getting more education through the Open University. It might help your self esteem.

That sounds like a really good idea, Hopeful.I was just going to say that an activity you find rewarding would be great for your self-esteem, and helping others couldn't be better.

It doesn't surprise me that DH turns the discussion onto you. Even the nicest men can do that if they feel cornered. You must persist, even if he gets stroppy. That is his defence. My dad does that. If you disagree with him on anything, he gets aggressive- that has obviously worked for him in the past and he will use it again and again. You will have to steel yourself and keep your cool, but these problems need addressing.
Someone mentioned Relate on here, and that could be a really good way forward.

His note is a start- but don't let it drop there. He needs to know the damage his behaviour is doing.

Are you SURE it was his sister on the phone?

Mumsfruit- She left a message.

Easier to say than to do, but you really need to stand up for yourself.

Keeping quiet about your MIL's treatment of you on your birthday, saying nothing when he makes nasty remarks about your presenst/cooking etc must seem like the eaiest way to keep the peace for you and your children, but every time you do that you are in effect giving him permission to do it again.

It sounds like you have got very little respect for yourself anymore-but it will be hard for your husband to have any for you either.

I'm in no way condoning your husband's behaviour-he sounds like a nasty, bullying mummy's boy- but if you want him to value you as a person instead of using you as a verbal and emotional punch-bag, you need to realise your own worth.

All the things you have done as regards your son are so wonderful- a woman with a degree and a 'good' family behind her might well fall apart at a problem that couldn't be fixed with good connections and a bit of money.

You sound like a fantastic and loving mother and wife, and deserve better than this-from your husband, but also from yourself.

Well it's all gone down hill again this evening.

Am feeling really down and need to pull myself together again ,the children are back to school tomorrow.
I need to stay strong as I go into school and work alongside my DS's 1:1 so can't be seen to not be coping.

DH came home tonight after stopping of at the pub yet again and was in a fowl mood again.

We had used his laptop for something and he reckons we have broken it and started to rant and rave,just think the battery is low. Anyhow it was my fault and I am irsponsible and can'nt look after any fu*king thing according to DH.
He said you can forgey going on the internet I will disconnect it and save £30 a month.

We sat in silence at dinner and DH kept sighing and snapping at the children.

He then said the house was a mess and explained the children werwe back to school tomorow and planned to have a major tidy up then and he said "wat have you 3 been doing all day"

I have had a terrible thumping headache day and of course when i said could he look after the childen for a bit he said oyu deal with it.
i went to lie down but the children kept coming into the bedroom and he said he was busy he had some work e mails to send.
I was in tears by this point and he started to say to the childen you have upset your mum.

I went and had a word woth him adn told him not to blame the children he had upset me.
i explained about yesterday and that i was really hurt by what he said and he said I knew oyu were loking for na arguemrnt tonight why bring it up again.
He said I went to no trouble for his birthday and not to bother next year.
So so much for his note this morning unless re reading it he meant it sarcasticaly.{sp}

His sister rang back and he was as nice as pie obviously and after the call he started up again moaning and criticizing and I said how come your tone automatcally changes when speaking to me ansd he said well my sister has done nothing wrong,which she had;nt but hurt that he could suddenly click and be nasty to me after talking to her so nicely.

i then brought up my birthday at his mothers last year,and as usual he got really angry and said don't bring my mother into this she has done nothing wrong.
i said i was hurt she never even get s me a card and my sister and niece sent him one ,my parents died a few years ago.

he would not listen to anymore annouced he was of to bed before he did something he would regret.

Stating i have to get early for work in the morning,someone has to.

He would never go to relate as feels these type of things are just busy bodies prying into other peoples buisness.

I did go to college before the children came along and ws doing an A level in English Lit but my mother dies half way through the course and I missed a lot of the work sat the exam and got an E.

Believe it or not I also did a councilling course with the samaritians and passed but this was also just before my mother died and obviously was in no fit state to continue.

I used to manage a team of 30 people ,seems such a long time ago and am now sat here in tears ,I don't knowe why writing this as it does'nt sem like I am writing about me ,I don't recognise myself.

Sorry just read that back,so many spelling mistakes.

No wonder I got an E.

YANBU, but I am a right cow on my birthday every year and end up feeling sorry for myself whatever anyone does for me. I do try to hide it a bit better than this though. Funnily enough, birthdays never seemed to bother me when I was 'young'...

i didn't notice any mistakes. Blimey, what is going on with this man? Something must be really bothering him to behave like this? But taking it out on you is just not on. Is there any way you can have some time alone with him to really talk about things, avoiding the whole "you said this, you did that" scanario? He is behaving terribly, and it sounds like you need some support. Might it be that you need to go back to the doctors? Im not sticking up for him and trying to blame you, far from it, but as lynette said, it is not really constructive to call the guy a cunt and tell you to grow some balls. He has to understand that you are not going to tolerate this, but you are there for him if he needs you. That being the case, he has to TALK to you and let you know whats going on in his head. My DP can be terribly irritable when he is stressed and i almost feel like i mustn't step out of line (which is of course like a red rag to a bull!) but if i take a step back and look at the pressure he is under,it doesnt make the behaviour any more acceptable, just less hurtful - although i do expect an apology at some point.

Oy, Hopeful. This is not a healthy family dynamic. You know it.

"I will disconnect the internet"! What an utterly foul way to behave. How controlling. How unkind.

How are we going to change this?

Could you possibly give your husband an ultimatatum and really mean it and stick to it? Might you possibly insist on some form of relationship counselling?

Alternatively might it be possible to target an area for self-development? Might it be possible to work on assertiveness?

Good grief hopeful, this is the second night in a row your dh has p**d me off now I'm really and on your behalf. count to 10....

How did he get to be so patronizing? And rude, to you and your lo's.

So sorry you lost your parents esp your mum at such critical points. You need to get it all back. I'm sure you do an incredible job as mum. Perhaps you want to think about doing something alongside that. Retrain? Think what you'd like longterm. Perhaps restart your career, something to get your teeth into - just for you, to recapture your sense of who you are. ??

He is so ungrateful to you and the wonderful family you've made I want to scream!

He has been like this for awhile I guess his birthday and the whole getting older thing just made it worse.

The only time we get on our own is when the children are in bed and most of the time he has had a drink or when i want to tlak about things he sees it as me starting an arguemnt and not having a discussion.

He wont open up to me about his family as says it is none of my buisness and we get nowhere .
he justs says I have never liked his parents,which is'nt true but they don't make it easy for me.

My children never got to see my parents adn they see DH'sparents once a year when we visit and his mother comes over for a wekend before christmas.
His father never comes over and has visited them once when they were both born.
they are nearly 5 and 7

this hurts me that they don't want to see their grandchildren more often especially s my DS and DD love seeing them when we visit.

But I can never mention this as DH gets annoyed with me.

As for the internet he has threatned this before and even checks on the history and ses what sites I have been on and how long for and says I spend too much time on here and should be looking after the house better.

He knows I have nowhere to go and no money to go with ,so an ultimatium would do no good.

I try to be assertive and strong but he sees it as me being arguementitive and he is always saying I think I am perfect

It's not just the rudeness it's the awful looks he gives me like he really hates me,he stares right through me.

I thought things were getting better but it's just one thing after another.

I have name changed for this thread as a couple of weeks ago i posted on here about a drunken outburst when in an arguemnet he said he would slit my throat and my children would be better off with me.
I hate to admit this agin to anyone,and have'nt in real life only on here.

But since that night and him knowing how upset I was I thought things would get better but I can't seem to do anything right.

it's like he has a tone of voice for everyone else and an indifferent one for me.
it's hard to explain it but it is just so nasty sounding and i don't know sometimes what I have done.