Do you regret putting your career first?

[Mangopineappleapple]

Posting for traffic as unsure if I should apply for promotion or not. Kids are teens now. I am 50 and in a large company with opportunity for progression, demanding, client facing role. I joined less than 5 years ago and previously worked part time in smaller companies. I am si glad I was able to share so much time with the kids when they were little and feel they are closer to me because of that, also good and sensible kids. Husband is the high earner and in a busy job.

But I always think of these high achieving women, who work so hard, always climbing up the ladder; not much free time. What motivates you? Is it money? Sense of achievement?

Family, health, travelling are my priorities so I am not sure I should push myself a bit more career wise. Kids will be off to university in a few years and I want to spend as much time as possible with them.

My company is full of young and ambitious people without family commitments

Am I being lazy? Should I try harder? I don’t want to end all stress out. Maybe wait a few more years? Would be nice to get pay more.

When my eldest two were younger I was absolutely more career driven than I am now. I told myself all the luxuries and the quality of life I provided made up for my absence but the reality is that I'm filled with regret. Essentially was securing my own future financial stability over meeting my children's needs. With the younger two (age 6 and 9) I'm much more present and treat work as "just work". I do t prioritise my career over being around for them more and I'm happier, as are they, for it.

Haven’t read the full thread but so many of the responses are “well men don’t have to worry about whether to prioritise their career or their family so why should women?” True, but when you have children someone has to make that decision surely, of course it shouldn’t default to the woman but if you both have the attitude that you both want to focus on your careers, work long hours and outsource all family responsibilities, I’d be wondering whether there was any point in starting a family.

Oh gosh, as the child of two career professionals, I am very glad my parents didn't think like this! Fwiw, I think I had a great childhood and am still close to my parents, despite their (I mean Mum's) apparent callous selfishness

It is OK to prioritise family over career. It's OK to want both.

It is, but, you really mustn't underestimate the risks of not prioritising being financially independent as well as having the family. If I had not, I would be in real trouble now, and totally impoverished come retirement (if that ever arrived - I would be working into my 70s) as in my case, we moved country frequently, so I wouldn't have had enough contributions in any one country for a pension, and we split just as ex was getting to the pay-off we'd both been working towards and was to be our pensions, but I would have had no claim on as it wasn't guaranteed, and will arrive after we split, and spousal maintenance is a temporary thing despite his now astronomical salary.

I left the relationship with no pension because our combined plans didn't call for one, but thankfully with my own company which has left me able to build one up very quickly.

No one outsources ‘all’ family responsibilities, but it’s perfectly possible to have two career-focused people who are also perfectly adequate parents.

Fair enough, in my opinion these parents who can both have it all must be very energetic, need very little sleep, have very resilient and easy going children or have a lot of very flexible outside support.

Not in our case, I can assure you. DS was a high-needs baby and that shows no sign of changing, and we had him in London (both families in our home country — have paid for every minute of childcare since birth). I don’t think I’m spectacularly energetic, though I don’t drive so walk and cycle everywhere which builds in a certain amount of exercise, and I sleep average amounts. Liking your job makes a big diffetence, I imagine, and having a child when you’re senior enough to be flexible, as well as having a child with someone who recognises he is every bit as much that child’s parent. DH wanted a child more than I did, and I was very clear that if someone was going to take a step back work wise, it wouldn’t be me. If he wanted a baby, he had to be prepared to make sacrifices, otherwise I was happy not to have one. Oh, and have one child.

This is spot on - very similar to my experience and the exact advice I would give too - just articulated better than I could !

Me and my husband both work full time because we have to. We don't have an extravagant lifestyle but cost of living etc means we need two salaries. We don't prioritise our careers over family, the two just co-exist as. We both work 35 hours a week and have flexible jobs where we can work from home etc. I certainly don't find it exhausting, in fact I found it a 100 times more exhausting on maternity leave with the daily relentless grind. Work I feel energises me and makes me a much better parent. I certainly don't feel I've missed out on anything.

My mum was very career focused when I was a teenager yet I never felt I missed out on anything. In fact quite the opposite, I felt immensely proud having a mum who could earn her own money, had her own life outwith the family home, volunteered teaching swimming in an evening and still was very active in family life. I do and think she was the best mum ever and fantastic role model. My husband mum never worked and he has always said she wished she had of done as the extra money would have made a difference to their childhood as they were always struggling for money and it would have given her so much confidence and something for herself.

I prioritise my family. We both work full time and have fairly flexible jobs. I got a promotion when back from maternity leave to a higher paid, less stressful job, with a lot more flexibility. I could have only got this role by motivating myself in terms of knowledge and experience and working my way up.

Having job motivation doesn’t always mean you work longer hours and don’t see your children.

I think the reality is most families need both parents to work simply to get by and the majority are not senior executive's with flexible diaries and six figure salaries.

I wonder how many of those who are senior and flexible allow the same flexibility to their staff. Not all jobs are flexible, 'sorry your flights delayed, the pilots just dropping of the kids, he'll get here soon as he can'.

I think the fact you had the discussion about who would take a step back career wise before having a child is very important here and kind of links back to what I said in my original post. It’s best to make that decision before having children instead of both parents thinking they can carry on working as if they have no children, because the truth is someone’s career is going to take a hit when you have children, unless you have massively supportive family or can spend £££ on hiring someone to basically be that supportive “family”. If you don’t have this conversation up front before having children then sadly it usually defaults that the woman has to try and work like she doesn’t have children and run the family and home like she doesn’t have a job. Which is impossible and I have no idea how people do it without running themselves into the ground.

because the truth is someone’s career is going to take a hit when you have children, unless you have massively supportive family or can spend £££ on hiring someone to basically be that supportive “family”.

You're generalising. This has not been my experience nor that of a fair few I know due to working in similar sectors to DH and I.

Agreed. With seniority comes flexibility.

I became a hospital consultant at 31 and then had kids in quick succession. I have a great husband and we share everything equally. I never missed a sports day or concert and saw the kids after school.

They are at uni now and we are incredibly close and I feel proud of them.

Two Sahm friends who are new empty-nesters are now regretting prioritising their husbands’ Important Jobs and one of them is heading for divorce.

I am proud of what my husband and I have achieved as a team, with our careers and kids. No regrets at all.

@Mangopineappleapple I think you may have already made your mind up but throwing this out there. Have you asked your kids what they think?

I have a great career. But it is long hours, frequent travel and I never feel totally on top of things at home or at work. My DH also works at the top of his field.

Do I genuinely think I can do it all? No. And not to the standard I want to. So I looking at options to take a step back. Not in terms of seniority but in the sorts and types of work I do. I want to be more intentional.

What is driving this decision? I had career driven parents. There were issues alongside this. But it was a miserable childhood. When one gave up work when I was 14 it made a huge difference to the quality of our life at home. Now that is the extreme end of it. But I also found it easier to be career focused when DC were little. Their needs were simpler. So my advice is check out the rest of the family's thoughts. While they shouldn't make the decision for you, it is worth thinking about the implications up front.

I also provide exec coaching for women at points of transition in their careers. My take home from this is that everyone makes their own career decisions based on their own set of circumstances and careers don't have to follow a set of linear steps to be fulfilling or financially rewarding.

Good luck whatever you decide.

Agree with all of this. The cliches hide the fact that seniority brings flexibility.

The OP says: am si glad I was able to share so much time with the kids when they were little and feel they are closer to me because of that, also good and sensible kids.

I think it’s hard for people to realise you can be close to your children and raise them as decent adults whilst working full time. I think some Sahms think their kids are great because they stayed home. I expect their kids would still be great if they had worked!

I look round all our friends’kids as we become empty-nesters and you genuinely cannot tell whose mum worked and whose didn’t. They are all pretty awesome young adults.

Not my experience either.

the truth is someone’s career is going to take a hit when you have children, unless you have massively supportive family or can spend £££ on hiring someone to basically be that supportive “family”

That might be your experience but it's certainly not mine. Nor my DH. Nor that of my friends and colleagues.

We worked together to make sure we could both pursue our careers and not be good parents.

We had a couple of years of childcare to pay for. But it was childcare not a replacement family.

because the truth is someone’s career is going to take a hit when you have children, unless you have massively supportive family or can spend £££ on hiring someone to basically be that supportive “family”.

That's not true in all cases.
It's certainly not true for us.

I wonder how many of those who are senior and flexible allow the same flexibility to their staff.

I'm the boss and every job in my organisation is eligible for flexible working and we've won awards for being family and carer friendly.

As long as people are being reasonable, the work is done, and no-one is taking the mick, my staff have the same flexibility as me. Now we sometimes have to keep things a bit quiet from HR who don't necessarily feel the same way, but I see that as a team-building exercise! (And I'd go to bat with the CEO to defend my team if there was ever a problem - and I'd win)

Having the kids has affected my career more than my ex's - he carried on as he was, I turned down some big-name jobs because he wouldn't flex his time (he could have, just wouldn't part of why he's ex). It turned out OK though as I found jobs that have paid off well freelance/remote instead (and looking back I'm grateful he showed me who he was before I did consider giving up work entirely)

Yes me too. It really improves the productivity of the team and the morale. I’d encourage anyone with a team who can be flexible to offer flexibility. There have been no draw backs for me.