Do you regret putting your career first?

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Posting for traffic as unsure if I should apply for promotion or not. Kids are teens now. I am 50 and in a large company with opportunity for progression, demanding, client facing role. I joined less than 5 years ago and previously worked part time in smaller companies. I am si glad I was able to share so much time with the kids when they were little and feel they are closer to me because of that, also good and sensible kids. Husband is the high earner and in a busy job.

But I always think of these high achieving women, who work so hard, always climbing up the ladder; not much free time. What motivates you? Is it money? Sense of achievement?

Family, health, travelling are my priorities so I am not sure I should push myself a bit more career wise. Kids will be off to university in a few years and I want to spend as much time as possible with them.

My company is full of young and ambitious people without family commitments

Am I being lazy? Should I try harder? I don’t want to end all stress out. Maybe wait a few more years? Would be nice to get pay more.

I haven’t put career or DC or DH first. I have always juggled the three. Some years my DC needed me more, so DH and career took a joint second place. They rotate in and out based on need. With a career, it is acceptable to switch jobs every 2-3yrs so you don’t have to have the long hours and lots of travel all your career. I switched to jobs with no travel when I was pregnant/nursing my DC. I did this by being in upper management, at the corporate HQs of the companies I worked for. When DH was very poorly, I took a job that was part remote homeworking for a few years. When my DC’s state school went to shit, DH and I both took new jobs and moved to another county where the state schools were better.

There isn’t a choice between kids or career or partner, you have to rotate around your priorities based on what is needed at the time. If you have an equal partner, it does make it easier to juggle because if there is a need it isn’t all on you to rearrange things.

You are a priority too, and it is fair to not seek a job that would adversely affect your health and mental well-being.

Yes, pension is an issue as I don’t have a lot. Perhaps I should apply myself and go for it. Not overthink it. I have always prioritised time and lifestyle over money

Yes and no.

My husband took on the role of main carer for our children. My job took me away lots and when I was not away it was long days with commuting. OH wasn't interested in promotion he was senior and a promotion would move him into managerial roles away from the work he enjoyed.

I was busy building my career having changed streams when we married. I regret not having all the time I should have had with the children (and him), you can't watch them grow up again if you missed it first time. On the other hand my career went well (retired), I enjoyed most of it and we have a good lifestyle with our pensions.

Does your husband regret it?

Both my husband and I have continued high stress demanding careers. No, we don't regret being there to keep your kid alive when they're helicoptered into hospital. Lucky, I suppose.

In all fairness you’ve done very well with how you’ve currently done things. My mum focused on her career very much when I was a teenager; working all the hours and my dad picked up on what she was no longer available for so it worked. Not sure if it would have done if he carried on working as much as she did.

It is great for people that have lots of energy and feel they can juggle everything equally.

I think it depends - your age, type of children, partner’s commitments etc.

Looking back I wish I had taken a career break of say five years so I could have been at home when the children were young. I found it hard to hold down a responsible job as my dc had special needs and then I divorced and became a single parent so everything work wise fell apart anyway. If family life had been stable I would have loved to concentrate on my career.

I rarely see men being asked. There's an insinuation that women who choose high flying careers are not putting family first, but no one says it about men.

Both me and DH have pretty full on careers but family is always a priority.
I get asked regularly about my childcare arrangements and how i manage a career and family. Nobody has ever asked my DH

Honestly, if you don't need to for financial reasons I wouldn't. Especially if you enjoy the role you're in.

I really treasured the time I spent with the kids when they were young; my husband is very supportive and one of those people who think they can do everything. I don’t have the same level of energy and have my limits.

I am not sure how people say they can juggle everything when they are working 60 hours per week and frequently travelling; although not all jobs are the same

I’ve prioritised my career, and it’s just as well I did because DH has been unemployed for the past 9 months. I earn enough to cover the mortgage and bills by myself.

What that looks like in practice is me doing a weekly long day to catch up on my admin (getting home around 10pm), and occasionally working weekends. I can do about half of school drop offs and pick ups, because I live five minutes walk from work (again, a conscious decision not to live in a bigger house in a cheaper area)

In my career, progression gives you more flexibility; the hours are still long but you have more leeway to do them at odd times of day rather than 9-5.

I don't regret it, maintaining financial independence, no matter how tempting it got sometimes to give it all in and just keep house, meant that when I came to my senses I had the freedom to leave my ex and not worry about what he did - I knew I could support me and the kids no matter what. I traded the stress and burnout of keeping a job and doing everything else whilst feeling awful because of the state of my relationship (yes, ex was largely absent and very lazy) for the freedom to choose, and it was worth every work call on the school run.

My sister, who didn't do that, is in a terrible position going through her divorce, as she has no money to buffer her, and no prospect of earning well in the forseeable future, having given up looking for any kind of career in favour of staying home with the kids.

The bottom line is uou can't with those hrs she clearly had good childcare but basically someone else was in the mothering role most of the day .folk don't like to admit it but it's true .you can prioritise how they will be looked after .but you yourself won't be doing it .

I kind of regret prioritising career when the kids were younger but on the other hand it enabled us to be financially secure and progression has brought with it flexibility. I'm now in a fairly senior role with teenagers. I definitely prioritise my family though. No work at weekends etc. No checking emails on holiday. And when the kids get home from school and want to chat, I pause work and give them my undivided attention. I have found that my kids actually really do still need me. Less so in a practical sense, but emotionally. Being a teenager is tough. I struggled massively at that age so I definitely prioritise my family over work even if it means declining some opportunities for career growth.

Have you considered what a good role model you could be to your younger colleagues if you got the role. It would show them that you can have a family and still have career progression - you chose to do it differently i.e. focus on the DC when they were younger and then put some of that focus on yourself as they got older - a good message to share. You would also be able to show them that taking an hour out for a family “thing” isn’t the end of the world as some younger colleagues I worked with do !

It is also a good role model for your DC that 50 doesn’t mean you have to write yourself off ! …… And you get the benefit of improving your own personal finances. As some have said a comfortable financial situation at home can easily be quickly turned upside down for a number of reasons - sudden illness, redundancy, separation etc. I say go for it !

good point, thanks

I do fully get the point that this situation and question rarely arises for men. But for me personally, after health struggles and fertility issues, when I eventually had my one and only child work took a backseat. I worked part time for most of their primary school years and whilst I've now been promoted and have a full time role, it's no nowhere near what I could have been earning given my qualifications etc. No regrets. I've never got much satisfaction from work, I'm happiest outside of it spending time with family, volunteering, exercising etc, so wouldn't want to work in a much more pressured role in my organisation. I see the men and women who do - they work very long hours and that's just not for me. I'm lucky that my husband is a fairly high earner but we've also just cut our cloth in many ways - fewer holidays, older cars, buying used clothes where possible etc. it's been worth it for me, but everyone's different.

I see two of my female seniors who have young children; I believe they are the high earners and the husband’s pick up most the of house and children work. One part of me admires them; but other part think they are always trying to multitask, eat in their desk, can’t fully disconnect on holidays. Not sure this is the life I want for me

No regrets. I had my children pretty young by today's standards so it was partly necessity to set us up financially, but I am also career orientated.

I think people often have a misconception as to what it means to have a "big" career, that it has to mean 60+ hour weeks, missed school plays, stressed out rude parents etc. I suppose it particularly fits the narrative for those who hold themselves back, and whilst some career paths will indeed be like that, in 2024 it is possible to find a good balance I think in some sectors. And the irony people often miss is that actually the more senior you get the more flexibility you have, I am much more available and flexible now I own my diary than I was in my entry level roles, even when I was part time. It can become a bit of a trap I think if you don't try to get out of that space, and people assume it only gets worse as you get more senior but in many types of roles it gets much, much better. I was a senior manager by the time mine were in school and I've never missed a school play, a sports day, parents meeting, I WFH most of the time now so am here when my teen gets in from school.

I also haven't felt like I've missed anything. I was never, ever going to be a SAHM with pre school kids, that time was drudgery for me, I was a much better mum with quality of time with the kids when home rather than quantity. My memories of my children at that age are plentiful.

There are many ways to put your family first and for some that can be by earning the money to support them. Children need consistent and loving caregivers who are physically present but that doesn’t need to be their mother- I know lots of families where the mother has the bigger career and the father worked PT while doing more childcare. (I’m not talking about the stories you read on here where the mum is the main earner AND runs the house AND is primary carer for the children, which are shocking.)

How many men get criticised for being ambitious? Not many!

It’s good to make the most of the talents we’ve been given.

In my company the senior you are the more responsibility you have. I am not saying those people don’t have a life but definitely free time gets more limited the senior you are.

I switched my in-office job for freelancing (i had kids quite late, so I already had reputation and contacts) so I was home with the kids, and still am, but worked around them.

I'm there for every sportsday, pickups and drop offs. My kids had to endure the occasional hour in the car while I took a call, or amuse themselves at home, but on the other hand, I've also been able to avoid extended childcare most of the time (I've had child-minders on and off when I needed them, but the kids don't like it)

And the irony people often miss is that actually the more senior you get the more flexibility you have, I am much more available and flexible now I own my diary than I was in my entry level roles, even when I was part time.

This is exactly true - I'm a C-level, remote working, and I make my hours myself - if I need a morning off, I take it. I, too, am not someone who could have happily waved ex off to a job every morning and spent all my time on house and kids - I enjoy what I do far too much.

I do have some travel now they're a bit older, which I'm lucky enough to have family to look after them for. But that is still a sticking point for me, and does hold me back a little bit, which is frustrating, but it is what it is.