Do you regret putting your career first?

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Posting for traffic as unsure if I should apply for promotion or not. Kids are teens now. I am 50 and in a large company with opportunity for progression, demanding, client facing role. I joined less than 5 years ago and previously worked part time in smaller companies. I am si glad I was able to share so much time with the kids when they were little and feel they are closer to me because of that, also good and sensible kids. Husband is the high earner and in a busy job.

But I always think of these high achieving women, who work so hard, always climbing up the ladder; not much free time. What motivates you? Is it money? Sense of achievement?

Family, health, travelling are my priorities so I am not sure I should push myself a bit more career wise. Kids will be off to university in a few years and I want to spend as much time as possible with them.

My company is full of young and ambitious people without family commitments

Am I being lazy? Should I try harder? I don’t want to end all stress out. Maybe wait a few more years? Would be nice to get pay more.

I think you should apply for promotion- give it your best and see how you get on. You might not get it, but it's good not to stagnate.

To be honest it is a place of privilege if you get to decide how much to put into your career.

For me and a lot of others I've had to work, and I would have loved to have been a stay at home mum, or done a little part time job.

However when I was last job hunting in my 40s I was shocked how hard it is as an older woman, so it's good to keep yourself current if you can.

Oh - I have more responsibility, I'm on call 24 hours (although rarely needed, because I have a good team, and a good setup) - the buck literally stops with me. BUT along with that responsibility goes the flexibility that as long as the job is done, when I do it, and how long it takes is up to me.

I really agree with this:

There isn’t a choice between kids or career or partner, you have to rotate around your priorities based on what is needed at the time. If you have an equal partner, it does make it easier to juggle because if there is a need it isn’t all on you to rearrange things.

My career it's important to ME, but I'm always aware that my presence (physical and mentally) is important to my DC.

So it's all a give and take. Some weeks works takes priority and others it's my family or me as an individual.

I think I was motivated by a sense of achievement and financial independence. I wasn't in a high earning sector so progressing to a high level helped with my earnings. I ended up divorced so it definitely helped me support the family, keep our house and have fantastic experiences and holidays. I did manage to have good work life balance despite working full time.

It now means as I approach retirement still single that I have good pensions and security, can help my kids with money when needed and they are both proud of my achievements. My DD regards me as a role model. When she was around 9 or 10 she told her Dad 'when I grow up I want to be like mummy - be lots of fun, have lots of friends and be a boss at work.'

In my company the senior you are the more responsibility you have. I am not saying those people don’t have a life but definitely free time gets more limited the senior you are.

I didn't say you have less responsibility, of course you get more the more senior you get, but you usually have more autonomy. Even if you are busy, I find the more senior I am the more trusted I am to own my diary as I see fit. I don't dance to anyone else's fiddle, I'm set high level objectives and I get them delivered through a team, how I do that is up to me. How my specific day is spent, is up to me, when you own your diary like that you can make room for the commitments you need. When I was entry level I had to account for every minute, ask if I had a dr's apt etc. That just doesn't happen for me now.

I have more responsibility, but my diary is far more flexible.

Agree with @pietut here - the more senior you are, the more flexibility you get. Yes lots to do, but no one micromanages you and a lot of earned autonomy.

I’m only 30, so in fairly early stages of my career but I have a 2 year old and when I went back to work after having her I dropped my hours, and somehow I still felt like I was failing at both being a mum and in my job which I loved.

I’ve finally found a balance - I work a compressed week, fully remotely. I get a day with my DD, excellent money and can still climb the career ladder. I really feel like I’ve hit the jackpot with best of both worlds.

I think there is no reason to not go for it, at this stage. This time next year, you will have one 14 year old at home.

I don't know that this is a real reason to not go for it, it feels more of an excuse, tbf.

You do you, but your pension pot will thank you for it

Opportunities like these are rare over 50 and you have done well to get it. Don't give it up.

It is possible to advance at work while keeping family health and travel as your priorities - I have! Now I am fairly senior I have complete control over my own hours, diary, commitments etc so I give myself total flexibility. I can put those things first and fit work around them. Work are happy for me to do this because I do a really good job for them when I am free to make it work how I want to.

But I always think of these high achieving women, who work so hard, always climbing up the ladder; not much free time. What motivates you? Is it money? Sense of achievement?

Family, health, travelling are my priorities

IMHO, "husband with a big job" and "wife focuses on family, health and travel" is quite an outdated model. I hope that younger generations will aim for greater equality. So, you could be a good role model for your DC and younger colleagues if you and DH both worked at similar levels

what does putting your career above your son look like in practise for you and your son?

In my case (and I wouldn't say 'above' my sons, but certainly very important) it looks like being able to leave a terrible relationship, not worry about being able to survive, and having a decent pension saved for my old age.

It does also look like occasionally working while on holiday, working early in the morning or late at night as required, and using spare moments in the car waiting for kids to do the shopping/emailing/whatever else needs to be done. It's a full life, no doubt, but vs. being trapped in an unfulfilling relationship, doing all the drudge and having no independence, I'll take my path every time.

Those of you with decent partners might have a different read, but the risk is so high, that I think all women should remain financially independent.

You are right

I can't really understand why this is about children. Surely having a 14 and a 17 year old (without special needs I am assuming) doesn't prevent you from working a demanding job? How much time do they need? Yes you need to check in with them daily, be there to have heart to hearts when needed, drive them home at 3am if they get into a scrape and call you in a panic, make time to discuss their education and future etc ... but does this actually preclude you working a full schedule? Ok if it is the kind of job where you might have to stay in the office until midnight for weeks at a time to get a deal over the line (eg city law or banking) this is an issue. But there are lots of jobs where you can be a 'high achiever' and still see your family in the evening?

Fine not to want the stress of moving up the ladder, if you are happy with relying on your husband's wealth into old age (since you say you don't have much of a pension). But I can't see why teenage kids come into it.

Very true. It will give me a great sense of achievement and I definitely need to build up my pension in the next 10 years

Go for it! You can always step back, not so many chances to step forward.

I find posts on Mumsnet like this really frustrating because they feel like hidden boasts about not having to work.

As a single parent for the last 13 years I work because I have to. I have always worked full time and find a way to make it work with my children and my career. I don't have the luxury of reflection and wondering if I should spend or have spent more time with my children. It is what it is and I have to do my best to make it work.

I am getting tired of hearing the grinding and simpering of middle class women my age and younger who bang on about their work life balance and wonder whether they should work longer hours or spend more quality time with their children. It's such a tedious luxury problem. And what it's really saying is 'my DH makes enough that I can coast'. Well done! It's also so insulting to the millions of women who work and just get on with it.

Do I regret putting my career first? There is nothing 'first' about my career, it just is. Do I regret making enough money to look after my children and not relying on someone else for my livelihood and those of my children? Never.

Absolutely. Top up your pension. That extra money will be handy when you age. I put career first. Zero regrets. Also zero regrets about taking early retirement. I did my bit, I did it well, now time to relax with a decent pension. That said, I have no kids (don’t regret that either!)

Up to you what you do, but if you put off promotion for a few years it’s difficult to get the momentum back.

I work FT in a demanding role and am the higher earner by quite a distance in our house. I studied hard to get into this job and I enjoy the work and my job. I work in a hybrid role, and go into the office 1-2x a week and WFH the rest. I can flex my time and work evenings if I want to pop along to sports day/school play etc.

But, I still prioritise my family every time. I'm here for 4/5 morning school runs, I spend time with the kids in the evenings, do homework, reading, spellings, take them to clubs at weekends. Yes, they go to nursery/afterschool club a few days per week (grandparents help a day or so a week too) but they're still my priority. I don't think suggesting that FT workers/women in demanding jobs have opted to prioritise work is very helpful to be honest, and agree as above PP that this wouldn't typically be a question that a man would be asked.

DH recently dropped to 4days (teacher), and helps with nursery runs etc. We split house tasks 50:50 generally, and if one of us is up against it at work then the other naturally takes on more household burden that week. It's organic... we don't divvy the jobs out, we just both naturally pick up what needs doing.

I'm proud of myself for what I've managed to achieve. I'm happy we are comfortable financially and don't have those stresses. I'll likely have a decent pension pot to retire on and have a chunk of savings for the kids if they want to go to university, buy a car etc.

No. Putting my career first has enabled me to me as a lone parent to afford a nice home an private education for my DD15 who has SEN.

At 51 I switched companies, pushed myself even harder and got promoted to an even higher salary. I can pay my mortgage off in 3 years now if a chose.

Financial independence is a huge thing to me.

And I still have weekends it's not like I am pulling 100 hour weeks

Some of us don't have a high earning DH.

I find earning more money means I can pay for better food, personal trainer, nice relaxing holidays etc.

And it's not all or nothing. It's not working 100 hrs a week vs part time.

I'm the higher earner and don't regret not stepping back but I don't agree that means I'm putting my career ahead of my children. Women don't have to make a choice between career vs children.

I also agree with pp's in that yes, more senior = more responsibility and it obviously depends on the job too but it does mean more flexibility too which is incredibly beneficial to DC's. I'm able to mostly control my own diary which is something I wouldn't be able to do if I had stepped back for several years and/or reduced to part time hours.