Do you regret putting your career first?

[Mangopineappleapple]

Posting for traffic as unsure if I should apply for promotion or not. Kids are teens now. I am 50 and in a large company with opportunity for progression, demanding, client facing role. I joined less than 5 years ago and previously worked part time in smaller companies. I am si glad I was able to share so much time with the kids when they were little and feel they are closer to me because of that, also good and sensible kids. Husband is the high earner and in a busy job.

But I always think of these high achieving women, who work so hard, always climbing up the ladder; not much free time. What motivates you? Is it money? Sense of achievement?

Family, health, travelling are my priorities so I am not sure I should push myself a bit more career wise. Kids will be off to university in a few years and I want to spend as much time as possible with them.

My company is full of young and ambitious people without family commitments

Am I being lazy? Should I try harder? I don’t want to end all stress out. Maybe wait a few more years? Would be nice to get pay more.

Definitely increasing pension contributions now; but only started contributing the minimum when it became compulsory so lots to catch up with

Can I just add I think there's a false dichotomy in your post title. Mothers who have a career or need to work - however you term it - aren't putting their children second. They still put their kids first but link their work with the financial security and wellbeing of their family and children. Of course it can be a massive juggle having two jobs and it's much more so for women than men generally. Fathers tend (I know not all) to rely on the fact that the Mum is always there as the safety net and director of care - whether or not she works.

And an additional benefit is as a single working mother I can deliver to my children is the capability to support myself well with good pensions and paying for care should I need it in retirement - lessening the worries and burdens for my children,

I think that it depends on your personality. I know that I would be stressed out in a higher role to the extent that my family life would suffer, so I have never gone for promotion. I have enough money in my current role to have an ok life and greatly value my work/life balance.

This is simply untrue. If you work 60h a week then thats 12h per workday so you will barely see your kids that week. Meaning they definitely didnt come first 🤷🏻‍♀️

People who say you can have it all are delusional. You can have a great career and still be a great parent or no career and not present with your kids. But you cant put your career first and still be there for your kids 100% of the time.

@SweetLittlePixie I have a great career and am still there for my kids, I WFH, I do school run, I am here when they get back. People make "having it all" sound like trying to be there every waking moment of their child's life and be prime minister, children don't need you that much! Most people are seeking something in the middle and I can hand on heart say I have it all in my own terms; a well paying, progressive career, and healthy, happy children I see the majority of the time, it's school that has the most impact on how often I see them, and I don't see anyone claiming they're not raising their kids if they're sent to school!

I'm 54 in a senior role, I would say go for it.

At a time when my youngest is 17 I am pleased I have my sense of self, work with a great bunch of people and get opportunities of travel and social activities through work should I chose.

So many threads on here of women who are middle aged, unhealthy, anxious, losing confidence and stepping back from life. I am relieved I have the opportunities I have and looking forward to more freedoms as my DCs pursue their own lives.

My youngest got asked in an interview who her role model was and she said her mum.

I have prioritised my career in that I've aways wanted to earn more money. But I've found this had made my life easier , not harder. I might spend fewer hours with my children, but few of them are spent on housework.

And I have a lot of flexibility- I pick them up from school normal time 3 days a week and have 8 weeks a year off with them. I'm not yet 40 and my pension is retireable now, and will be very decent in 20 years even if I never contribute another penny.

Actually you can do both, be a high achiever and a good mum! I don't understand why you have to give up one of them when you can do both.

It isn't fair to say that by climbing the career ladder, you're necessarily putting your career first. I have a colleague who found herself pregnant as a teenager. She grabbed every opportunity available to work her way up so she could give her child a much better life than she had. She was absolutely putting her child first and I have a lot of admiration for her.

Those of us lucky enough to have a supportive partner, high earning partner and/or family money have more choices.

Also, with the rise in house prices it is a lot harder for younger people to get on the housing ladder. I bought 10 years ago but I wouldn't be able to get a mortgage now on my current salary.

OP, it's great that you've had the opportunity to focus on your family. I'd go for the job. If it's not for you, you don't have to carry on with it.

“Having it all” only seems to apply to mothers too.

People who say you can have it all are delusional. You can have a great career and still be a great parent or no career and not present with your kids. But you cant put your career first and still be there for your kids 100% of the time.

I think it depends how you define “all”. I have a great career- interesting and important work, good colleagues, six figure package. I’ve also been present for my kids by working PT or from home when they were younger while keeping my career going so I can step forward now they are older. But it’s not the career I would have had if I hadn’t had children or hadn’t prioritised time with them earlier on- I could have achieved much more by this age.

Is that having it all? It seems somewhat harsh to suggest you’ve only managed it if you’ve made no compromises whatsoever. I think it’s more a question of choosing which compromises you want to make.

"Having it all” only seems to apply to mothers too.

Indeed, I think what annoys me about the use of "can't have it all" is it a means to make being a mother and having a career sound unobtainable, and frankly it is used mostly by those choosing not to go down the career route, as if trying to defend their own choice to not pursue a career by denying the parental experience of career driven women. I completely disagree with the sentiment because I see plenty of brilliant women working in careers and being excellent present mothers; friends, myself, and I was raised by one.

I'm a high achieving woman with children.

I didn't put my career first - I did
It alongside having a family.

I'm motivated by my career, I'm ambitious, I like the money and success.

I have a supportive DH who is an equal partner.

“Having it all” only seems to apply to mothers too.

Agree. No one claimed DH was stupidly trying to 'have it all' when we had either of our kids and he was working FT. No one batted an eyelid or has ever mentioned it.

I don't want to 'have it all' to be honest. That comes with the expectation and connotation that I should work FT and want to do all the traditional 'women' jobs too (childrearing, keeping the house, cooking, caring). I don't need it "all" thanks .... I just need half. As in, I do half and DH does half.

This has basically become a thread about people defending their personal choices. It really doesn't matter what men do or don't do. It's about what works for a mum and what SHE wants for herself snd her family. It is OK to prioritise family over career. It's OK to want both.

It’s so very personal to each and every one of us and there’s no right or wrong answer. For me, I have a pretty good job but there is no doubt I could have done so much better (objectively) but as soon as I became a mum my ambition took a nosedive as for me, it was just a job. The opportunity has come your way to push yourself, earn more, achieve goals but your kids are, arguably, at a key point in their lives so again a tough decision needs to be made. I personally don’t think you can have a demanding role that requires 60 hours plus and be everything that your kids need (at the same time). But that doesn’t mean it can’t work.

Of course it matters because it’s important to point out the sexist double standards that working mothers face.

In the end everyone has a different balance that feels comfortable. For me I’m not massively ambitious. I’ve worked at the same company for over 20 years and while I’ve progressed in that time the level I’m at in my 40s is one that people start at on our fast track program. Still for me that’s allowed me a good work-life balance and I’m happy with what I’ve achieved personally. My work is demanding enough to be very interesting but I’m not the person the buck stops with so it’s rare to have weekends or holidays interrupted with having to think a lot about work/be available on call for issues, which happens to people at higher levels. I fully accept I could have invested more effort in my career (even while being away from kids exactly the same time) but I didn’t want to. Honestly most people who do really well in our office are excellent at using the lunch break/coffee breaks to network, attend/run trainings, volunteer to work on softer skills that get them exposed to a wide range of management. They work smarter and harder than I do in the office. I prefer to use my breaks/lunch to do a bit of socialising or catch up on life admin or play a game on my phone for a few minutes. I don’t regret not doing it but I don’t have any impression they are less devoted to their families because advancement is more important to them than it is to me.
I also know people who work in a similar way or even less smart/hard than I do in office settings and yet seem bitter other people progress faster/earn more. It’s not helpful to you to be dishonest about why you’ve not necessarily progressed to senior level. It’s also not a requirement to want to but think those that have worked on progressing their career just want you to own that you don’t want to vs making out you are sacrificing it for the kids 🤷🏼‍♀️

I have twins, now early twenties, DH was a SAHD for a while when they were young. I have always put my career first and have zero regrets. It's really worked for us. It also means that when they went to Uni and left home I didn't feel bereft or upset as some of my other friends did (not saying that's wrong, just my experience). My 2 DC also seem really proud of what I do as well which is nice. I haven't felt I neglected them, and the extra money is good when they go to Uni to help them. I'd say go for it!

I don’t think there I could have been that present in my children life if I had worked full time when they were little. I was exhausted at times doing part time. I am sure DH would have supported me if I wanted too and tried to make it work but we would had been knackered without any family support.

I prefer time over money he prefers money and security over time. I was happy to slow down my career. It worked for us, for other couples the father takes a step back but I think if both parents have full demanding careers the kids do get sacrifice.

This describes it well. Money snd success is the motivation many people

I am not sure. It depends on the company I guess. I can tell my boss is a risk of born out and I think she has a supportive husband; she is the main breadwinner

@Mangopineappleapple

You skipped the first but where I said

I'm motivated by my career,

With all due respect though, you’ve never done it so have no idea what it’s actually like. People are also different and are able to handle things differently.

Is it knackering at times? Of course but never to the point where I can’t fit in quality time with DC. Especially thanks to staying full time and climbing up to my senior role which means controlling my diary and largely WFH.

You're wrong. And whether this is intentional or not, your posts come across as very judgemental of women who have chosen a career as well as a family.

Being present in a child's like doesn't mean being with them 100% of the time. There are different ways of parenting and families do what works for them.

Both me and DH have continued to develop and progress our careers since having DS and I can confidently say that DS hasn't been 'sacrificed' as a result.

He attended an excellent nursery where he thrived and we're still in touch with staff.
We've attended every assembly, play, music event and sports day. As we're both now very senior we have complete flexibility over diaries and we have very generous annual leave ( I get over 40 days) so there is lots of quality family time.
We both travel internationally and we often make it into a family trip so DS has already travelled the world at age 9. He's living a life I could have only dreamt of when I was growing up in poverty.

Yes it's tiring at times but nothing unmanageable. And my child has not been sacrificed so I can have a career 🙄