Do you regret putting your career first?

[Mangopineappleapple]

Posting for traffic as unsure if I should apply for promotion or not. Kids are teens now. I am 50 and in a large company with opportunity for progression, demanding, client facing role. I joined less than 5 years ago and previously worked part time in smaller companies. I am si glad I was able to share so much time with the kids when they were little and feel they are closer to me because of that, also good and sensible kids. Husband is the high earner and in a busy job.

But I always think of these high achieving women, who work so hard, always climbing up the ladder; not much free time. What motivates you? Is it money? Sense of achievement?

Family, health, travelling are my priorities so I am not sure I should push myself a bit more career wise. Kids will be off to university in a few years and I want to spend as much time as possible with them.

My company is full of young and ambitious people without family commitments

Am I being lazy? Should I try harder? I don’t want to end all stress out. Maybe wait a few more years? Would be nice to get pay more.

And it's not all or nothing.

Indeed, I see myself as very career focussed but when I look at it, actually I have found a way of balancing a career with my family, from both points of necessity and desire. I do choose to work full time because it's easier to progress and I want the salary, but I do only go for jobs that have a minimum threshold of flexibility; Flex Time, hybrid working etc. I have naturally found ways to compromise, I don't go for jobs that are too far away, so far have remained in the public sector for the safety net and transparency of flexibility.

I think most people find a balancing act, even my military husband has found ways to compromise to ensure he is around for us. It really doesn't haven't to be all or nothing and the whole wording of this thread is very odd and accusatory in itself, nobody puts one thing first all the time, life just doesn't work like that.

Actually yes, men are criticised for this. Workaholic dads who never see their kids, missing out on their kids lives so their kids grow up only seeing them as a credit card, working long hours so they "get out of" family duties etc. It's often less harshly critical of men, but society does indeed judge men who put their careers ahead of their families.

Yes this is my experience, more autonomy the more senior you get - it’s a mindset thing almost as yes there is more responsibility but that doesn’t have to translate into a stressy approach to things

It doesn’t impact the DC that I have calls after they have gone to bed or check emails when they are at their clubs. I personally don’t find checking emails and reviewing a few things each morning before the kids wake up on vacation an intrusion if it keeps things moving along. I suppose if you don’t want that kind of stuff in your life then don’t sign up for a role that is like that

I can flex my calendar to make school events most of the time (if they give enough warning..)

I personally don’t find checking emails and reviewing a few things each morning before the kids wake up on vacation an intrusion if it keeps things moving along. I suppose if you don’t want that kind of stuff in your life then don’t sign up for a role that is like that

Yes, my mum used to worry about me being overworked if I popped to get my work phone when she was around and quickly check my emails or whatever, but when you enjoy your job and if you're not hugely stressed by it, it really isn't a big deal. If I'm getting stressed at work I do the opposite and I make a real point to switch off in the evening, but when things are going smoothly just answering some simple emails is no more arduous or unenjoyable than me writing this post.

I don’t find being more senior much more stressful tbh, as I have so much more control over what I am doing.

I’m not really answerable to anyone on a day-to-day basis, and no one is monitoring where I am, what I am doing etc.

The extra £ also funds things like proper support at home which makes life a lot easier.

Yes I look at my emails at the weekend, might take calls on holiday, have to travel… but I don’t think it partially impacts mine or my families lives.

I suspect if I had a lesser paid job I’d still be as stressed / busy etc, just for different reasons.

I think on mumsnet the perspective of what a ‘high-powered’ job is involves being very absent from home, which isn’t really true in 2024.

My career is important in that I am a single mum, and it feeds us, houses us and pays ds' school fees.

I pace myself. I have a good job but I don't work 15 hour days. I work 9 and that's enough. I try to achieve a balance so I am here when ds needs me but I also have the funds to give him a good childhood.

I don't regret it, no.

With respect you don’t sound very ambitious or career oriented anyway regardless of kids. That’s fine, but it’s not like you have made the choice of kids over career.

I previously worked very long hours in a professional role. But I struggled to keep up when I had young kids. Now I do a more relaxed job which is still reasonably paid but gives me a better work life balance. Partly for my kids and partly that I want a better lifestyle too.

Only you can decide this one. But it sounds like you’re not sure now’s the right time. I personally wouldn’t go for a promotion until I was sure it was right time for me (although certainly a man would ).

You can have to all, just not at the same time. I love this quote and I've found it's true for me. I've prioritised our DCs and haven't regretted it for a moment especially as they now start to leave.

I am the main breadwinner by quite a large margin, and although I've always 'prioritised' my career, I could only do this because of a supportive (unemployed) husband when my oldest was a baby.

I've kept my maternity leaves relatively short and have been ambitious in the types of jobs I pursue, so today I can work from home, have complete flexibility, and pretty much unlimited annual leave (my outputs are more important than how many hours I worked).

My children are still primary school age, but they are used to a mother who does most of the school runs and is there for every sports day, shared learning, forest walk, and whatnot. I take two weeks off over Christmas, a week for Easter, a week for Halloween, and another three weeks over summer.

I feel very lucky to do work I love with the flexibility to spend a lot of time with my children, and I don't regret not being a stay-at-home mum while the kids were younger for one moment.

@Mangopineappleapple

I think it's very telling that you frame it as 'putting career first,' as it suggests you think those of us with senior positions must be prioritising work over family.

My children and family life absolutely come first for me, no question. However I've also gone for promotions, first big promotion was when our kids were in primary school and since then I've been promoted further.

Go for it! It doesn't mean you see family as less important, it means you're developing your own life and reaching your potential

My view is at 50 you have to think of your pension. Work hard now so you can retire sooner and better. Its not the time to lean out just yet!

I often work 60 hour weeks and am the higher earner - I don't feel like my family are missing out though. The more senior I have become, the more flexibility and autonomy I have meaning I can attend school events, work from home, take them to appointments etc. I have never seen it as putting one or the other first - I enjoyed my job and said yes to opportunities that came my way and made it work with my family (working after bedtime, getting up early on weekends). The only issue I have is switching off on holidays - I find it incredibly difficult and am essentially on call always which doesn't help.

You have been completely enabled/facilitated in following your priorities by your husband. Not all women are in that position.

Your post comes across as judgey to me. Why don’t you ask your husband what motivated him? Was it money/sense of achievement or because he needed to provide for his family because you weren’t?

Nor RTFT but here's my thoughts:

You say your priorities aren't work so it sounds like you know what you want. Family, health and travelling is where you want to focus your energies.

If your current role allows that and you have sufficient financial support in case anything happens to DH, then it sounds like that will make you happy.

Having the balance is often easier the more senior you get. As well as flexibility often the hours you need to work drop off. Your experience means you can achieve more in a shorter time and you are paid for your knowledge, experience, contacts etc not how many hours you work

I work full-time in a demanding, professional role. I'm also a lone parent to pre-school twins.
Luckily, since I am senior, I set my own schedule. I work from home full time, so take my kids to pre-school every day, and pick them up 90% of the time. I take my lunchbreak when I pick them up, so spend it with them. I have a nanny for the afternoon. I frequently take a quick break at 6pm and prepare their dinner, and finish work at 7pm to do playtime/stories/ bed-time routine. I'm not missing out on seeing them grow up.

I don't have the luxury of a high-earning partner like PPs, so need to prioritize both career and family. I'm at a busy stage of life, so for now, there is no time for me/self-care, but hopefully I'll get more time in a few years.

I'd say go for it. Push for a few more years and build up your pension, and then take a step back when you're nearer 60 if you want.

Thank you all. I will go for it. I think it just a bit concerned if I will be unable to cope; but the reality is that the more senior you are the more you can delegate. DH had a cardiac arrest many years ago and I didn’t want to put more pressure on ho

I find when you have a promotion or a change in role there is a period of a few months where you think, what have I done? and the workload can feel overwhelming. However this does settle down and certainly a year later you are well-established and absolutely fine. I would go for it if I were you.