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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I know I am, please tell me to get a grip

141 replies

Starfondue · 04/06/2024 20:22

So this is a total non-issue, so why am I upset?

My husband and I try to eat super healthy most of the time, but do enjoy the odd treat together course. If I see something I think he'll like, or if someone has baked cakes at work and there's a lot, I always bring him one. Nothing is off limits! I wouldn't buy myself a treat and not get him something too.

A few months ago I logged onto Tesco and there were some really random junk food items on the favourites. I could see that everything else was stuff we normally buy so I mentioned it to my husband, expecting him to say oh yeah, I bought it when doing xyz' (it was a meal deal type thing) but he denied knowledge. I couldn't care less about the food or money, but the fact he obviously had bought it and was lying really upset me. In the end he said he had bought it on x date. It was pretty recent so I remembered the day, he'd been out but made sure he was home by lunch and I'd spent a while making a nice one as he'd been out all morning. We got into a bit of an argument but he couldn't see that my issue was why was he lying/hiding something so non-important. He didn't see the big deal, but to me it hurt a bit as I always make an effort to bring him a treat if I've had one at work or something, but he hadn't thought to phone and ask if I'd like anything.

I logged onto Tesco tonight and there are all sorts of random items now in favourites - big bags of sweets, sausage rolls and pastries etc. He must have been buying it and eating it in the car, why! Why is he lying to me about something like this!?

He's out and I messaged him when I saw it but I have deleted them all. Maybe I shouldn't even bring it up. Why am I upset. Ffs.

OP posts:
BrendaSmall · 04/06/2024 20:25

So items you buy from Tesco goes into your favourites list??

How is it managing to show what your husband is buying??

SapphireEyes88 · 04/06/2024 20:27

You're upset because it isn't about the food, it's about the lie. It's about thinking you're on the same page and you're not. If he'd lie about something so small,would be lie about something big?
My concern is his mental health. Is he down about something and comfort eating? Could he be binging, possibly purging? He might feel really ashamed about it but you need to communicate. I hope you can figure it out 💐

Youdontevengohere · 04/06/2024 20:27

BrendaSmall · 04/06/2024 20:25

So items you buy from Tesco goes into your favourites list??

How is it managing to show what your husband is buying??

Yes, if you use your clubcard this happens.
Hmm I don’t know OP. I wouldn’t be bothered if DH bough himself something and not me, but equally I wouldn’t always bring him something back if I was getting myself something. I wouldn’t really want him being home loads of junk for me anyway TBH. I would be a bit worried about why he was binging in secret though.

Bunnyhair · 04/06/2024 20:28

Uh, is this definitely how the website works?

I really don’t get why you’re so worked up about what your adult partner eats. This seems batshit levels of controlling.

Anxiousheartbeat · 04/06/2024 20:29

Bunnyhair · 04/06/2024 20:28

Uh, is this definitely how the website works?

I really don’t get why you’re so worked up about what your adult partner eats. This seems batshit levels of controlling.

It’s just very weird for someone to be secret eating

ExtraOnions · 04/06/2024 20:30

Secret eating … it’s filled with shame, that’s why he doesn’t tell you.

I’ve had group counselling about my (terrible) eating habits, and we were all secret eaters.

JamesPringle · 04/06/2024 20:32

Bunnyhair · 04/06/2024 20:28

Uh, is this definitely how the website works?

I really don’t get why you’re so worked up about what your adult partner eats. This seems batshit levels of controlling.

This. And I'd be concerned that he felt like he had to hide his eating habits from you.

FriedGold · 04/06/2024 20:32

Do you push him into eating really healthily when he’d rather be more relaxed about food choices! Maybe he thinks he’ll disappoint you by snacking so he hides it to avoid confrontation.

PurpleFlower1983 · 04/06/2024 20:33

Poor bloke!

KarmenPQZ · 04/06/2024 20:35

I’m a secret eater. Whenever my partner does the school run and passes the nice bakery he always asks if I want something. I never ask him if he wants anything tho just secretly buy for myself and hide the wrappers. I know my partner wouldn’t really care. And I know it’s the behaviour of an addict. But I still do it 😳

Nopetynoppy · 04/06/2024 20:35

Crikey I had a sneaky double cheeseburger yesterday from MacDonalds . Have i announced it to the family…No . Would they care that I had a sneaky MacDonalds and not told them? …absolutely not.

Dennerfold · 04/06/2024 20:36

I think the “super healthy most of the time” is the issue. If you limit or outright ban certain foods they become more appealing because they’re “forbidden fruits”

Tbskejue · 04/06/2024 20:36

To be honest if my DH passed comment on what I buy and eat from any shop I’d tell him to mind his own business. It’s nice that you buy him treats but he doesn’t need to get one for you every time he does.

SpringerFall · 04/06/2024 20:36

I wonder if they are doing it because are sick of you going on about health eating but regardless this is an adult we are talking about with their own ideas, yes this is dramatic

junebirthdaygirl · 04/06/2024 20:36

I have a friend who likes to eat very healthy. She keeps her dh on very strict, healthy food..to an extreme l think as he is a very tall man who needs more food. I wouldn't be surprised to see him sneak stuff out of Tesco as the poor man must be starving at times. Is your regime too strict as men usually eat more. I couldn't care less what snacks my dh buys as long as he doesn't raid mine. Leave him be and stop making an issue about food. If he was really trying to hide it he wouldn't use the Clubcard. I would be mortified if my dh asked me why l bought a meal deal/ fancy biscuits in my shopping.
My business!!

Hotgirlwinter · 04/06/2024 20:38

oh wow that’s next level monitoring!

On one hand seems a bit tight for him to be buying himself treats and not bringing anything home for you but on the other hand, perhaps the guy just wants to enjoy a bit of autonomy in his life and eat a sausage roll on his own time.

If he’s binge eating in secret then that’s a whole other conversation and that would be about him, not about you.

Overall imo YABU

WindowViper · 04/06/2024 20:38

Is it secret eating, or is it that he doesn’t like being monitored?

I’d feel a bit like I had my mum nagging me about healthy eating if my OH was checking up on what I ate.

MrsJackThornton · 04/06/2024 20:39

He's lying because you made such a fuss about him buying a meal deal once without phoning you to see if you wanted one

Ellie525 · 04/06/2024 20:39

YABU let the man enjoy a peaceful donut in his car

RedHelenB · 04/06/2024 20:40

Anxiousheartbeat · 04/06/2024 20:29

It’s just very weird for someone to be secret eating

Not if they gave a controlling partner can't see the issue myself, I'm an adult amd dint have to say what I've eaten to anyone.

Starfondue · 04/06/2024 20:40

I hadn't even considered there was more to it, I feel terrible now.

No I don't force him! He's much fitter than I am and I'm the one who is more likely to suggest grabbing a bar of chocolate on the way home. The stuff he's been buying isn't stuff I've ever even seen him eat. If he wanted it, it would be no issue at all, I can see a reason why he'd feel like he needed to hide it, I wouldn't be jealous as it's not my kind of treat anyway. I'd be jealous if he'd been buying chocolate!!

We do eat healthily most of the time but he eats much more than me (as he should, he's much bigger than me!) And nothing is off limits.

OP posts:
Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 04/06/2024 20:41

Is he a people pleaser op? Telling you he likes super healthy because that's what you want to hear?

Can understand you feeling betrayed but there must be a reason for it. I sometimes eat innsecret cos my dh is so preachy when he is on a health kick, it's not worth the grief!

Wewereonnabreak · 04/06/2024 20:42

Is he overweight? It sounds like he’s a bit embarrassed about his eating, scoffing food he’s craving.
He's probably ‘ashamed’ because he is over eating and just didn’t want you to know.

coxesorangepippin · 04/06/2024 20:42

Does anyone else have access to the account i.e. kids??

FOJN · 04/06/2024 20:42

Perhaps he finds the 'super healthy most of the time' diet quite restrictive but goes along with it to please you and when he has the opportunity to decide for himself he's more relaxed. If that's the case he's compromising without making a fuss.

I think you should stop trying to police what he eats.

Your reaction to his choices probably explains why he's so secretive but I can understand why the lie is upsetting.

How much say does he get in menu planning? Do you ever veto his suggestions because they're not healthy enough?

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